Christmas (already)

[AutumnLeafy]

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

For all those saying that OP should see her family another day, have you thought that perhaps it's not convenient for everyone in her family to do it another day? She's at least got one sibling who I assume has a partner - perhaps they also need to fit in other family time.

As the kids are teens I think you should ask them what they prefer without changing your plans so not asking if they want to spend Christmas Day with you and go and see DHs family but Christmas Day with you and your family.

Mum is in the wrong. It is black and white.

And yet so many have found a way to overlook that...

I’m so glad I kept reading past all the ridiculous anti SM posts to find the logical ones.

OP ignore all the posts about your family not being close with your DSC, there are so many layers to people’s situations that renders those comments useless.

I would be feeling the same. Your frustration is quite rightly directed at the Mum who is making everyone rearrange plans for IMHO not a very good reason and now you’re concerned that the DSC will not have an enjoyable Christmas and trying to seek ways to do so. Someone earlier up mentioned you and LO going earlier to your parents and them joining you later, I would do that if this plan is set in stone.

Oh this thread is priceless!
So a woman decided to change her Christmas plans and that means that her ex partners new partner's ex partner's wife's family have to change their plans?
Can you imagine being that kid at school?
"What did you do at Christmas?"
"Nothing, because mum's sisters husband's ex wife's boyfriend's ex wife decided to change her plans so we could not have the day together so we have to wait 3 months for another day we can arrange for all of our family to get together like we originally planned"

Can we all please take a moment to appreciate how ridiculous this sounds?
No, everyone else dropping their plans is not the obvious and simple solution to this

@Youseethethingis

Oh this thread is priceless! So a woman decided to change her Christmas plans and that means that her ex partners new partner's ex partner's wife's family have to change their plans? Can you imagine being that kid at school? "What did you do at Christmas?" "Nothing, because mum's sisters husband's ex wife's boyfriend's ex wife decided to change her plans so we could not have the day together so we have to wait 3 months for another day we can arrange for all of our family to get together like we originally planned"

Can we all please take a moment to appreciate how ridiculous this sounds?
No, everyone else dropping their plans is not the obvious and simple solution to this

Exactly! It’s crazy. In some situations of course, it would be absolutely fine to move things around, health emergencies, huge changes and sudden events etc.

However, it’s clear this is the mum just moving her day around because she wants to, and that doesn’t justify everyone else being inconvenienced.

I actually think a lot of people have been really harsh here.

If DSC are older and contact isnt 50/50 then it’s unlikely the partners family will know them that well. My family (bar probably my mum) don’t know DSC very well either, because we don’t see my family outside of occasions much really and DSC aren’t always with us on those days either.

I think that it’s fine to have them and take them with you. But also get why you feel how you do as your plans were sorted to suit your arrangements and now have to change to suit someone else.

I think taking them with you and getting a game is a good idea, also re presents theirs will just be more scattered around so I think if old enough this can be explained easily enough

I think the mum is in the wrong for deciding to put off seeing her children until her stepchildren arrive.
If there was ever a mention on here about a dad doing that he’d be torn to shreds!!

If I was a stepmum and I was her, I’d be jumping at the chance to see my children at Christmas on their own. More fool her.

And because she can only possibly celebrate Christmas with her children when her stepchildren are around, it now impacts on you, who had plans that didn’t originally factor in your stepchildren. Because ya know, you’re allowed and all that. And just because you and your family aren’t super duper excited about your dsc now being there and dsc might not get as much as your LO, people think you’re in the wrong. Bloody hell.

Yanbu OP.

OP sounds like a bloody star to me!

Trying to figure out what will best suit all parties, including her DSC who their actual mother seems happy to mess around to suit her own desires. OP's actively considering what she can do to make DSC feel welcome and to have a good time, while being alive to the realities of the situation (that her parents don't really know DSC very well and have little experience with children of that age).

Not too sure what more anyone could expect of her really.

@funinthesun19

I think the mum is in the wrong for deciding to put off seeing her children until her stepchildren arrive. If there was ever a mention on here about a dad doing that he’d be torn to shreds!!

If I was a stepmum and I was her, I’d be jumping at the chance to see my children at Christmas on their own. More fool her.

And because she can only possibly celebrate Christmas with her children when her stepchildren are around, it now impacts on you, who had plans that didn’t originally factor in your stepchildren. Because ya know, you’re allowed and all that. And just because you and your family aren’t super duper excited about your dsc now being there and dsc might not get as much as your LO, people think you’re in the wrong. Bloody hell.

Yanbu OP.

Completely spot on.

I'm so glad this thread has got better instead of tearing OP to shreds.

I think I would say, we are having the kids on Boxing Day as agreed.
We are more than happy to have them Xmas day as well but we plans on Boxing Day which include them as per our every other year agreement and that is non-negotiable.

[quote WaterBottle123]@aSofaNearYou

But she can see those relatives on days that aren't Xmas day, because the are actual adults who really shouldn't be obsessed by the calendar.

Honestly this obsession from grown adults over the 25th December is insane [/quote]
Maybe OPs family have plans for other days over Christmas. Should literally everyone in OPs family, extended and direct, have to rearrange their Christmas now because her husband's ex has decided she wants to swap the days round for her boyfriend?

I think I would say, we are having the kids on Boxing Day as agreed.
We are more than happy to have them Xmas day as well but we plans on Boxing Day which include them as per our every other year agreement and that is non-negotiable

She’s given a couplet months notice. Either the OP and partner agree to it or they don’t. There’s absolutely no need to be a dick about it. Imagine if mum had said that she wanted Boxing Day as well because it suited her new set up. Now that would have been something to complain about.

She should not be giving notice, she should be asking permission.

She’s given a couplet months notice. Either the OP and partner agree to it or they don’t. There’s absolutely no need to be a dick about it. Imagine if mum had said that she wanted Boxing Day as well because it suited her new set up. Now that would have been something to complain about.

They wouldn't be being a dick about it. By swapping the days around, she is essentially proposing cancelling the children getting to see their paternal grandparents as planned.

What you are calling being a dick is actually just saying "yes we will have them an extra day if you like, but won't cancel Boxing Day as we have plans". Nothing dickish about it. It probably wouldn't be an attractive option to her given she will likely want to see them on at least one of the days, but it is an honest reflection of how this can fit into the other sides pre-made plans.

Totally different to her just demanding both days.

What on earth is going down on this thread.

Seriously. There's so much projection going on from adults.

1. The is being ex is being a a bad mum. It's abundantly clear because she's putting her new partners childcare arrangements ahead of pre agreed rotation re Christmas and prioritising her new partner needs .

2.Actually crackers that people are calling OPs parents names ?! What because they don't have a instant bond with SC really, regardless of actual Face time. How are people jumping to the conclusion that they will put the step child under the stairs and ignore them. OP has done everything she can to try and make sure the kids are comfortable (knowing they will probably not be 100% because teenagers will know what their mums doing). This isn't a failing on OPs part and actually she's not morally or ethically bound to fix, but she's trying anyway

1. When a SM or dad for that matter comes on here it's usually because one or both of the parents are not doing something right and they are trying to fill in the gap. This trying to fill the gap isn't a moral or ethical dilemma SP have to solve but most do because they care about SC. A hell of a lot more than their mum does it would appear, shown case and point with this post.

1. Op go to your parents, bring SC you have done all you can to be inclusive of SC which is more than we can say for mum. They will have their Christmas to feel special and get a bonus Christmas with you and your little one deserves to have theirs with their grandparents from your side.

If DP wants his parents to see SC in festive period he can apply that pressure to the mum to make a arrangement that doesn't mean you guys have to cancel plans if he feels so strongly about it. This was your year to see your side of family and you already alternate every year because of SC which is acceptable and fair. Doing more than this without good reason means your side of family misses out. That's not how a team works.

He's only applying pressure and guilt to you because he thinks he can get you to move and it's less hassle than picking a fight with mum. She's caused this mess, return awkwardness to sender and make sure DH knows this isn't on.You give a inch they take a mile.

OP the step parenting board tends to be trolled by people who aren't step parents but feel the need to take out their own issues on any unsuspecting poster because they have issues with blended families. You have had some decent advice - amongst the rubbish stuff.

Good luck !

The is being ex is being a a bad mum. It's abundantly clear because she's putting her new partners childcare arrangements ahead of pre agreed rotation re Christmas and prioritising her new partner needs

Or she just can’t afford to ‘do Christmas’ twice so they are celebrating as a blended family. Why is that problematic?

@Getawaywithit

The is being ex is being a a bad mum. It's abundantly clear because she's putting her new partners childcare arrangements ahead of pre agreed rotation re Christmas and prioritising her new partner needs

Or she just can’t afford to ‘do Christmas’ twice so they are celebrating as a blended family. Why is that problematic?

It's problematic because she's only thinking of herself.. not of her children who may of been looking forward to spending Xmas with their mum, not of her ex husband who has plans already. Changing plans creates a domino effect of problems on all parties involved. Arrangements should be stuck too and not changed.

@Getawaywithit because people don't operate in a bubble. The mums choice to not want to spend money on two Christmas's - means that her children miss out on time with DH grandparents, the grandparents OPs miss out and it's create a whole mess for a whole load of people.

Imagine if a step mum took that approach on only wanting one Christmas ! She would be fried alive.

Unfortunately people believe it's the case that step children come above everyone else in the family, and extended family. They are not more important than other children or family in the house. The mother of step children can do no wrong, it's always the ex husband and step mother who get crucified at any opportunity!