Christmas (already)

[AutumnLeafy]

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

I don’t normally rush to side with stepmums but here I do.
I can also understand why OPs parents might not love a step-GC as much as their bio GC. Why on earth would they?
It sounds tough on the OP. The DH too. The children’s mother does not sound very nice. I guess OP might have to factor that in, unfortunately.

Your step children are more important than your family surely?

I mean even ignorning the fact that the step children are part of a large wider network of people whose plans all matter, what a woefully naive thing to say.

I think (considering their mum has shuffled them back to dad on Xmas day) you have a perfect chance to give them a bloody good Christmas Day and show them not only are they wanted there, but by people who normally they'd never spend Christmas with.

What kid wouldn't love 2 Christmas days!

I think ultimately what's sad about this post is OP was asking for advice on how to fix a problem that wasn't caused by her and she has little influence to do much about it.

She's done everything she can think of, is rightly worried about SC vs new baby and considerate of how this will effect SC and is trying to minimise that impact and people have been really harsh implying a lot of things that are nothing to do with the situation at hand.

This isn't a case of they are all as bad as each other. It's a case of a SP trying to make up to a, SC a lacking from a parental figure and somehow being called out because she's part of the second family.

At some point you have to stop apologising for existing.

And I'm a step mum, mum and step child. All parts of me are horrified by the comments made others. OP sounds like a fab SM.

Your step children are more important than your family surely?

To who? Me? No they aren't in all honesty.

t's problematic because she's only thinking of herself.. not of her children who may of been looking forward to spending Xmas with their mum, not of her ex husband who has plans already. Changing plans creates a domino effect of problems on all parties involved. Arrangements should be stuck too and not changed

The children will be happy to have Xmas twice because that’s what’s happened on the past. I do understand the domino effect but she’s given two months notice and, presumably,ably, OP and partner have the option to say no? As for arrangements should be stuck to, that only seems to apply when it’s someone else wanting/needing to change them. There are plenty of posts demanding flexibility with arrangements generally.

I've read the whole thread and am completely gobsmacked at how many people are suggesting the OP isn't welcoming, called her family names but yet nothing about a mother cancelling her plans with her children to spend a day alone with her boyfriend and to prioritise his arrangements. Would it really be so bad for the mother to stick to the arrangement and have Xmas day with her own children? Those saying maybe she can't afford two Xmas days well maybe the boyfriend should be financially fronting the second Xmas day to please his kids seeing as it's for his kids.

Why should OP not see her family or not have her DH around with her to spend Xmas with? Yes she knew he had children when they met but I would also assume there was already a contact plan in place and that is why they alternate Xmas plans between both families already. She doesn't have to continually put herself bottom and her child deserves to have his dad present.

OP, your DP should be pushing this back to the ex and sticking to the original plans or as someone else said say you will also be having them boxing day as per the original plan. I'd also have him check out if this is a full time change so you know ahead of next year. If the ex isn't put back on the contact schedule agreement she might continually start to take the piss with it.

I can understand op's frustration with DSC's DM but the main thing is to think about the DC. If this can't be changed what will be the best overall package. If LO is very small ie less than 3 or 4 it doesn't matter too much whether she or he is at home with her DPs and siblings or travelling to wider family.what scenario will be best for the older DC ? I think going to the OP's family could easily work with games organised . Most adults are going to feel for the DSC and include them through politeness if nothing else and my experience of gatherings with lots of DC of different ages is that they all end up running around, dancing or playing games together. As a pp said games like Pictionary ,charades or the one where you sellotape a name onto someone's back or forehead and they have to guess who they are work really well for family gatherings.
If you don't think that that is going to work you can have a lovely day at home with the family and take LO another time. I realise that this is potentially very disappointing for you but there will be many gatherings to come.

Two months notice is nothing when it comes to Christmas. I'd imagine most people are already in the process of making their plans, booked their train tickets, bought their hams, booked their days off etc etc. It's a busy time of year to expect flexibility from potentially dozens of people.

Or she just can’t afford to ‘do Christmas’ twice so they are celebrating as a blended family. Why is that problematic?

She doesn't have to it twice. She has to do it once, as per the contact arrangement. On the day she's supposed too. Which is Christmas Day.

If she wants to dance around her new boyfriend like she's got no other choice, let's not pretend she has to perform two Christmas Days. She's changing it so she can have the day on her own with a new boyfriend then play "blended family" (with a man and a child who weren't even on the scene last Christmas). She's put him before her own children. Beyond obviously. And OP has done enough to mitigate this woman's failings. It's not OPs job to fill in their own mother's lack of wanting them around and do what their mother should be.

OP sounds like a gem, and is trying to work out what best to do with SDC, as their mother has now announced she does not want to have her own children on Christmas Day.

OPs family have planned for, and are expecting OP and DH and DC on Christmas Day. This would not have been the plan if the SDC were coming. DHs family have planned for and are expecting to see SDC on Boxing Day. This won't happen now.

All because their brilliant mummy has found a boyfriend and his schedule is more important to her. If she think two teens won't have picked up on this....

@Vie8126

I've read the whole thread and am completely gobsmacked at how many people are suggesting the OP isn't welcoming, called her family names but yet nothing about a mother cancelling her plans with her children to spend a day alone with her boyfriend and to prioritise his arrangements. Would it really be so bad for the mother to stick to the arrangement and have Xmas day with her own children? Those saying maybe she can't afford two Xmas days well maybe the boyfriend should be financially fronting the second Xmas day to please his kids seeing as it's for his kids.

Why should OP not see her family or not have her DH around with her to spend Xmas with? Yes she knew he had children when they met but I would also assume there was already a contact plan in place and that is why they alternate Xmas plans between both families already. She doesn't have to continually put herself bottom and her child deserves to have his dad present.

OP, your DP should be pushing this back to the ex and sticking to the original plans or as someone else said say you will also be having them boxing day as per the original plan. I'd also have him check out if this is a full time change so you know ahead of next year. If the ex isn't put back on the contact schedule agreement she might continually start to take the piss with it.

This.

As for arrangements should be stuck to, that only seems to apply when it’s someone else wanting/needing to change them. There are plenty of posts demanding flexibility with arrangements generally.

There's flexibility around general dates, and then there are specific events that are set in stone in terms of when they occur.

I would question someone for not being flexible enough to change one random day for another purely on principle, but some big events, such as Christmas, take more planning and have a specific emotive value to most people. When there's two sides of the family people need to respect that, much like how I wouldn't call my DP inflexible for not wanting to go to my family's instead of his two years in a row. It isn't the same as wanting to change non specific dates.

OP you need to get your DP a backbone for Christmas. You and your parents seem to be doing more for the children than their own boilogical parents.

He needs to tell the mother of his children. ''No your change of plans are irrelevant to the fact that we agreed for the childrens sake to alternate Christmas Day hosting. Your children are for Christmas not just for life'

Jesus... these comments 😂 and I bet at least half of them come from people who don't have stepchildren or parents who think it's appropriate to do what your DSS mum has done.

Honestly, completely side with you. Yes spending xmas with my step kids is lovely and I enjoy it so much! But regardless, you had an arrangement in place, you made plans, rightfully so, and now their mum thinks that she has the upper hand to make you cancel/change everything? Not a chance, she needs to suck it up and enjoy Xmas with her children on her year...

Don't feel bad like all of these other posters are telling you to. Those saying 'poor kids' obviously are the type of people who believe your life should revolve around your DH's kids. Nah, you have your feelings to take into consideration too. Whatever happens, I hope you have a lovely xmas! If it was me I'd be telling her no can do to her change of plans, so you're nicer than me 😂 despite that, I do love my step kids, contrary to what other posters might say in response 😂

Their mum had basically picked DP over the kids so they're not going to have a great day anywhere. The least you can do is try and give them a nice day. I'm assuming they're old enough to understand if you explained that while LO may get more presents than them on Christmas Day, that they will get a second lot on Boxing Day that LO won't.

yet nothing about a mother cancelling her plans with her children to spend a day alone with her boyfriend

Has that been said? Or is it a presumption? She could be visiting family like everyone else,

Two months notice is nothing when it comes to Christmas

In your opinion,

It's not my opinion, it's a fact. Lots of people have to put lots of things in place to ensure they are all at the same place at the same time having a nice time. It can't just be flexibly changed to some random Tuesday because some woman said so.

Does it matter how much "notice" has been given? They've made plans, the families involved have made plans. They don't have to amend those now because OPs DHs ex has given them "notice". What makes her plans more important than anyone elses?

My husband and his ex split the school holidays. Can my husband ring his ex and say he is hereby giving her notice that regardless as to whether she has already made plans, they are now swapping the weeks of the next school holiday?

One parent doesn't unilaterally decide that contact is swapping and issue notice.

"sorry ex I don't care if you've booked and paid for a holiday next summer already, I am hereby issuing notice that that is now my week so you'll have to rearrange".

As if.

@TwinsandTrifle

Or she just can’t afford to ‘do Christmas’ twice so they are celebrating as a blended family. Why is that problematic?

She doesn't have to it twice. She has to do it once, as per the contact arrangement. On the day she's supposed too. Which is Christmas Day.

If she wants to dance around her new boyfriend like she's got no other choice, let's not pretend she has to perform two Christmas Days. She's changing it so she can have the day on her own with a new boyfriend then play "blended family" (with a man and a child who weren't even on the scene last Christmas). She's put him before her own children. Beyond obviously. And OP has done enough to mitigate this woman's failings. It's not OPs job to fill in their own mother's lack of wanting them around and do what their mother should be.

OP sounds like a gem, and is trying to work out what best to do with SDC, as their mother has now announced she does not want to have her own children on Christmas Day.

OPs family have planned for, and are expecting OP and DH and DC on Christmas Day. This would not have been the plan if the SDC were coming. DHs family have planned for and are expecting to see SDC on Boxing Day. This won't happen now.

All because their brilliant mummy has found a boyfriend and his schedule is more important to her. If she think two teens won't have picked up on this....

This.

Some of the comments on this thread are batshit.

OP just do the best you can. Your SC aren't stupid. They will know their mother doesn't want to spend time with them.....

Your step children are more important than your family surely?

😵🤦🏼‍♀️

Has that been said? Or is it a presumption? She could be visiting family like everyone else

So let's just break this down...Mother wanting to visit family without her children = fine, SM wanting to visit family without children = not fine...

@trappedsincesundaymorn

Has that been said? Or is it a presumption? She could be visiting family like everyone else

So let's just break this down...Mother wanting to visit family without her children = fine, SM wanting to visit family without children = not fine...

Obviously. What's not to understand?

@Youseethethingis

She should not be giving notice, she should be asking permission.

This !!!

[quote WaterBottle123]@aSofaNearYou

But she can see those relatives on days that aren't Xmas day, because the are actual adults who really shouldn't be obsessed by the calendar.

Honestly this obsession from grown adults over the 25th December is insane [/quote]
My family coordinate around that day. I can't ask them to also do another day a few days later or whenever. It might be silly to you but my family are Christian. Christmas and Easter are their celebrations. I miss every other Christmas with them when we have DSC, that is fair.