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Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

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Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 08:26

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@AutumnLeafy I understand she might want the kids together, but why is it your job to change plans? Why can’t her boyfriend change his plans with his child?

Because it doesn’t suit her, that’s why. She’d rather mess about with a long term agreement which works for her children to appease a new man.

How old are your SCs and how old are the boyfriend’s children?[/quote]
Indeed. DH is considering saying no and then suggesting partner changes his plans if his current one's don't work for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 08:29

@Fetarabbit

Also no disrespect to your family I'm sure they're all lovely, but I don't imagine they'd prefer that to seeing their grandparents boxing day. I did at first I'll be honest read it and think perhaps she genuinely does just want them to be together with his children, but on reflection that doesn't matter as she needs to manage that.
Yes exactly!! They'd be better off seeing their own grandparents on boxing day instead of having Xmas 1 with my family then Xmas 2 with new partner.
OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 08:32

I promise the day will just as good if you can get past the calendar dictating your actions and feelings ok sure in that case we'll just have DSC a week later and they can miss all the fun and family gatherings..and when their friends ask what they did for Xmas they can say shit all as mum was waiting for boxing day...

OP posts:
Lulu2021 · 18/10/2021 08:33

Why would ur dh not want his own kids for Xmas?

Or why wouldn't their own mum want them? 🤔

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 08:35

@Lulu2021

Why would ur dh not want his own kids for Xmas?

Or why wouldn't their own mum want them? 🤔

Yes its like saying to the kids, we know we decided when we split up that it was really important for you to alternate christmas but now it doesn't suit new partner screw that.
OP posts:
Lulu2021 · 18/10/2021 08:38

@AutumnLeafy
It's shocking she would have decide she doesn't want her kids at home on Christmas Day because of her new partner's arrangements. I'd want my kids with me no matter what. I'd choose them every time. It makes me so sad.

00100001 · 18/10/2021 08:38

@aSofaNearYou

Why do they not really know your family? He had children when you met him so they should have been included in extended family activities from day 1.

Just ignore all this OP. It's not how all families work and a lot of people just don't realise that.

My DSS barely knows my family.

Yep, absolute nonsense... Why would you take a step kid you only met once to a family wedding, Why would step kid go to step-niece's birthday party having never met them? Etc etc
Lulu2021 · 18/10/2021 08:39

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@AutumnLeafy I understand she might want the kids together, but why is it your job to change plans? Why can’t her boyfriend change his plans with his child?

Because it doesn’t suit her, that’s why. She’d rather mess about with a long term agreement which works for her children to appease a new man.

How old are your SCs and how old are the boyfriend’s children?[/quote]

Exactly!

Lulu2021 · 18/10/2021 08:40

I agree re the nonsense of your extended family knowing SCs. It doesn't necessarily follow at all that this would be the case.

Lulu2021 · 18/10/2021 08:41

Then she's selfish. It's quite clear that she wants to spend Christmas Day alone with her boyfriend.

This.

mommabear2386 · 18/10/2021 08:47

Does your partner see his family on Christmas? Could he go there some Christmas Day so maybe spiky between your family and his with his kids? X

OnceUponAThread · 18/10/2021 08:49

All the people saying:

Why do they not really know your family? He had children when you met him so they should have been included in extended family activities from day 1.

Or things like it.... have clearly missed that the DSC are teens, and therefore may well not have wanted to be involved with ops family.

I love my two SDs a great deal and we have a lovely close relationship. But they haven't met my parents yet.

They see me as dad's wife, and more like an aunty than a mum, because they already have a mum and were 11 when they first met me.

At some point they will meet my parents, and I know my mum is really keen, but it's a bit of a tough sell to the now-teens who have little interest travelling to meet random older people who they aren't technically related to. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yet as I say, the girls and I are very close (and I love them dearly).

WaterBottle123 · 18/10/2021 08:59

@AutumnLeafy

I promise the day will just as good if you can get past the calendar dictating your actions and feelings ok sure in that case we'll just have DSC a week later and they can miss all the fun and family gatherings..and when their friends ask what they did for Xmas they can say shit all as mum was waiting for boxing day...
@AutumnLeafy

No, I was suggesting carving out a day with your DSC and one with your LO and own family but getting over if that's the 25th, 27th or whatever

It really, really, really doesn't matter

WaterBottle123 · 18/10/2021 09:02

It sounds like the most logical solution is to have Christmas at home with your child and DSC and see your family on a different day. Believe me, it will be equally special if you let it.

aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2021 09:09

@WaterBottle123

It sounds like the most logical solution is to have Christmas at home with your child and DSC and see your family on a different day. Believe me, it will be equally special if you let it.
OP has plans with her family, she shouldn't have to cancel them because of other people's whims. She may have elderly relatives with few Christmas' left. She doesn't have to accept all guilt trips to sacrifice that when it is her prearranged time with them. She can just make sure her DSC are having fun.
aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2021 09:13

@Lulu2021

I agree re the nonsense of your extended family knowing SCs. It doesn't necessarily follow at all that this would be the case.
It's a very local centric mindset, as well as anything else. A lot of people on here seem to assume everyone lives within 5 minutes of both sides of their family.

Both DSS and my parents live a distance from us where they would not come over without staying the night, and when they do so, they sleep in the same (only) spare bedroom. So naturally it rarely happens at the same time.

What's more, the idea that my DPs limited time with his son would be spent driving hours to see MY family is just a bit silly, and I highly doubt many on here would actually think it was a good thing if it was happening.

Tal45 · 18/10/2021 09:22

Their mum is obviously a selfish cow. You're worried about the SC getting less fuss BUT they're teenagers (or nearly) so they'd probably prefer it that way! Especially from people they hardly know. I think you go to your mums first with lo and they can have some dad time and then all get together later if that works or you host and the kids will be at home and it will feel more normal for them. I'm sure you and your parents are lovely, it's just not fair when parents decide they're not having their kids when it's their turn and you're left to pick up the pieces.

TwoDots · 18/10/2021 09:25

Has anyone actually asked the DSC what their preferences are?

WaterBottle123 · 18/10/2021 09:27

@aSofaNearYou

But she can see those relatives on days that aren't Xmas day, because the are actual adults who really shouldn't be obsessed by the calendar.

Honestly this obsession from grown adults over the 25th December is insane

aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2021 09:32

[quote WaterBottle123]@aSofaNearYou

But she can see those relatives on days that aren't Xmas day, because the are actual adults who really shouldn't be obsessed by the calendar.

Honestly this obsession from grown adults over the 25th December is insane [/quote]
It's an obsession to you, to others it's an important day. She may want to see them all together and that may be a rare occurrence, there are clearly other relatives who will be meeting up on the day. It's really not up to you to say that Christmas Day doesn't and shouldn't matter to adults.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 09:43

because the are actual adults who really shouldn't be obsessed by the calendar

It’s not a big deal to you obviously, but it is to a lot of people. You’re also forgetting their is another child involved and although this year they may be too young to understand they aren’t spending Christmas with their grandparents etc but it won’t be that way forever.
By your reasoning, if Christmas is only dictated by adults adhering to a calendar, then there’s no issue with expecting mum and her new partner to stick to their actual long-term holiday agreement.

Mum is in the wrong. It is black and white.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 09:45

there is another child*

SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 09:47

But she can see those relatives on days that aren't Xmas day

They can also see the SCs on another day that isn’t Christmas Day, which is when they should be with their mum this year.

nevergoesaway · 18/10/2021 10:06

I can’t believe some of the replies here, OP you sound like the most caring person out of all the adults involved here! Their mum has selfishly gone against the agreement, not for any serious or life altering reason, just because she wants to.

Their dad may be great, but you’re the one actually asking others for advice and trying to please everyone.

The children are innocent in all this. Tbh I think their mum has treated them pretty badly here.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 18/10/2021 10:07

I understand where your coming from even if lots of people who have replied don't.
I have two step children and if they suddenly were with us xmas day when we go to see my family then I would feel the same. It's not that they wouldn't be welcome, but they wouldn't enjoy it. My parents spoil their grandchildren and even though they buy my step children presents, it's not on the same level. The step children have another family; their mums side to spoil them also. Especially if they've not known them since young children and the bond isn't there, it's not the same.
Can you not say they can spend Xmas with you whilst your at home but when you go to your family then they can go to their mums?