Page 7 | Christmas (already)

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TreacleMoon2 · 18/10/2021 00:17

@Hathertonhariden Maybe @AutumnLeafy would like to spend Christmas Day with her DP and DC as originally planned?

She is coming across as really caring and trying to do the best for ALL the children involved.

Why should her Christmas be totally changed because of the whim of the ex DP?

Hathertonhariden · 18/10/2021 00:46

@TreacleMoon2 no doubt she does want her original plan but that's not what she's dealing with. She has made it clear that it will be awkward for her family to have the dsc for Xmas.

She was keen on the idea of her dh + dsc spending time with his family apart from wondering what people might think of her. They could have a breakfast with just her, dh and all the dcs before setting off to do their own thing.

brightorbleakfuture · 18/10/2021 01:11

@NauseousNancy

I’d be doing a happy dance if I got my step daughter an extra Christmas. I would be absolutely delighted, as would my family. She is our family as much as my ‘own’ daughter is and she is and will always be welcomed with open arms to her home.

Why don’t they know anyone in your family? It really sounds like your step daughter isn’t seen as part of her family. Do you not have much time with her?

Ah how lovely. From a mother of a son who was nothing more than an inconvenience to his Father and Stepmother- this is so lovely to hear

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 01:21

Their mother is a disgrace for prioritising her boyfriend over her kids.

Is that what is happening though? It sounds like she wants to include the children in a Christmas day on boxing day with her boyfriends child, it doesn't seem like she is fobbing them off Xmas day to do something else super fun; but as they get one day each would rather do that. Most parents would be delighted to have an extra Christmas day itself with their children. I don't think it's weird to be annoyed about the change of plans, strange to go on about making sure everyone can coo over your little one without feeling guilty, I'm sure a teen and nearly teen won't be arsed that adults they don't know and probably don't want to spend the day with aren't cooing over them

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 01:45

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then

I'll bet my last sprout mum is spendingnthe actual day just her and boyfriend and that's why all the kids get Boxing Day

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 01:47

I just really feel for the kids that don't even know what's happening yet about their own Christmas Day and that they'll wait for their gifts and family time around what their parents and new partners have already sorted.

timeisnotaline · 18/10/2021 01:54

You need to be really clear it’s fine to have the sdc thsi Christmas but it’s not a swap, next christmas you expect them to come as scheduled so you can do a big dh family xmas / big xmas holiday /whatever, this year sdc will be made very welcome at xmas with your family.

It's worrying you saying 'their mum doesn't want them on Christmas Day' . That's not really true is it? It just suits her better to have them boxing day.
She doesn’t want them though!! It’s totally true - If she did she’d do a lovely small xmas just them and watch them open presents etc like normal parents want to, but she is trying to get rid of them to spend time with her partner ! We used to do several Christmases to see everyone so xmas lunch somewhere, host xmas supper, and a Boxing Day repeat of xmas lunch. She clearly doesn’t want her dc there Christmas Day

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 02:05

Yes! Exactly what timeisnotaline says.

Their own mother should be telling her own children:

I know it's my year to spend Christmas Day but I won't be seeing you til Boxing Day

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 02:10

It just suits her better to have them boxing day

....because she'd rather spend 25th just her and boyfriend..

nice

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 06:18

It depends how cynical and bitter you are really, maybe she wants them on boxing day when his child will be there. Either way you'd have thought their father would be happy to have them for Christmas day.

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 06:21

Thanks for all the comments, it's nice to see not everyone thinks my lovely family are evil! It is, as others have said, purely because they are not a priority when it comes to arranging to see the DSC, DH makes sure they see his family on his time. It's not that I think they won't like seeing LO on Christmas day I am just worried they might feel left out. Everyone's family dynamics are different.

I think I am just a bit annoyed that our family life is being dictated by DH's ex's partners ex. It is a difficult enough adjustment to make when your life is affected by the ex without having to consider their new partners ex as well. The agreement was between DH and his ex and I have always respected that this agreement comes first. It was in place before I was on the scene.

I'm really surprised by some of the comments here on the stepparenting board. I deliberately posted here as I thought I would find people in similar positions. I've had lots of useful advice but if I wanted a kicking and insults thrown at my family I would have posted on AIBU!

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Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 06:23

@Fetarabbit

It depends how cynical and bitter you are really, maybe she wants them on boxing day when his child will be there. Either way you'd have thought their father would be happy to have them for Christmas day.

But mum doesn't want them on Christmas day. Boxing day we were meant to see DH's family. Not sure when they will see the DSC now. If its OK for mum to prefer boxing day why isn't it OK for my DH to prefer boxing day?

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Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 06:25

@Springplanting

I just really feel for the kids that don't even know what's happening yet about their own Christmas Day and that they'll wait for their gifts and family time around what their parents and new partners have already sorted.

Yes I feel bad too. And when the agreement was sorted out both parents felt strongly enough that it should alternate. Mum has only changed her mind on this now it doesn't suit her relationship.

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Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 06:29

What did she say when DH said it was her year and you had plans for them to see their family boxing day so that is when you'd be seeing them?

Tashface · 18/10/2021 06:38

Does the DSC's mum have other plans for Christmas Day then? Because I don't understand why she doesn't want her children on that day (unless I've missed it).

She might not be doing the Big Christmas Dinner until Boxing Day, but why does that mean her children cannot stay at home on Christmas Day? All she has to do is give them their presents, feed them and have a lovely day with them. I don't understand.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 06:40

Why doesn’t your DH just say “No, sorry that doesn’t work for us. We’ve already made plans for the kids to see my parents on Boxing Day and I don’t want them missing out on that”,

Surely it’s more important (and probably preferred by the kids?) to see their grandparents rather than their mum’s boyfriend’s child?

The mum is being totally selfish here and it is 100% about her, not any of the children involved.
If it was actually about the kids her and her partner would be relishing the idea of having just her children on Christmas Day and his on Boxing Day and giving them lovely one on one attention… which we’re so frequently reminded on this board is essential.

Instead she now gets a “day off” to be with her partner at the expense of her ex’s new partner’s plans… all to suit herself and her new boyfriend. No doubt to save herself and boyfriend the effort of doing Christmas twice and I bet my life that her partner will be expecting the SCs to entertain his kid on Boxing Day.

I can see why OP is pissed off. Having to make adjustments for SCs and your DH is a reasonable part of stepparenting… having to make adjustments due to their mother’s whims or due to her new partner’s ex partner is not.

Why can’t he swap with his ex then and have his child Christmas Day?

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 07:06

@Tashface

Does the DSC's mum have other plans for Christmas Day then? Because I don't understand why she doesn't want her children on that day (unless I've missed it).

She might not be doing the Big Christmas Dinner until Boxing Day, but why does that mean her children cannot stay at home on Christmas Day? All she has to do is give them their presents, feed them and have a lovely day with them. I don't understand.

This is what DH said to her. They can have a chilled out Xmas day. But she is adamant it's important for boxing day to be their Christmas day with her and partner as they are one family and it's all about the kids having a good time.

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Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 07:08

Why doesn’t your DH just say “No, sorry that doesn’t work for us. We’ve already made plans for the kids to see my parents on Boxing Day and I don’t want them missing out on that”, tried that and it's not fair on the DSC to miss out on seeing their blended family to see grandparents aparantly. DH is torn between insisting the agreement is stuck to and just agreeing to the change so he doesn't across as the one ruining the plans.

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TwoDots · 18/10/2021 07:40

Op your DH should put his foot down. This is really bad form of the ex. The DSC grandparents are surely more important to DSC the new blended family?!

I really feel for you op. You are right, our lives as SM are already dictated to by schedules and agreements and we do our best to work around them. You’re now having the rug pulled from under you when you’ve already made your plans based around a schedule.

The ex’s behaviour is unacceptable and I can’t fathom why people are supporting her on here. We have DSC every other year for Xmas meaning the year we don’t have her we have 2 celebrations (making Boxing Day extra special). It’s really not a big deal to celebrate twice….the DM should be doing the same for HER CHILDREN

Yet this is being put on you, your DH and your parents who I’m sure are lovely btw

It’s funny, the amount of posts I’ve seen on MN over the years about grandparents, usually from the pov of the SM who often can get upset if DHs parents don’t treat her own children the same. The general consensus is that they’re not the grandparents and don’t have to treat the children the same. But for some reason this doesn’t apply to you, your parents should have a better bond with your SC etc etc. biggest double standard I’ve read tbh

Sorry you’re going through this xx

Tashface · 18/10/2021 07:55

This is what DH said to her. They can have a chilled out Xmas day. But she is adamant it's important for boxing day to be their Christmas day with her and partner as they are one family and it's all about the kids having a good time.

Then she's selfish. It's quite clear that she wants to spend Christmas Day alone with her boyfriend.

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 08:14

@AutumnLeafy

Why doesn’t your DH just say “No, sorry that doesn’t work for us. We’ve already made plans for the kids to see my parents on Boxing Day and I don’t want them missing out on that”, tried that and it's not fair on the DSC to miss out on seeing their blended family to see grandparents aparantly. DH is torn between insisting the agreement is stuck to and just agreeing to the change so he doesn't across as the one ruining the plans.

If they alternate Christmas his children will be expecting to come to you Boxing Day. If it's not going to work for you all which on reflection it sounds like it won't, he should stick to his guns otherwise it'll be a similar story every year.

SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 08:16

@AutumnLeafy I understand she might want the kids together, but why is it your job to change plans? Why can’t her boyfriend change his plans with his child?

Because it doesn’t suit her, that’s why. She’d rather mess about with a long term agreement which works for her children to appease a new man.

How old are your SCs and how old are the boyfriend’s children?

Fetarabbit · 18/10/2021 08:18

Also no disrespect to your family I'm sure they're all lovely, but I don't imagine they'd prefer that to seeing their grandparents boxing day. I did at first I'll be honest read it and think perhaps she genuinely does just want them to be together with his children, but on reflection that doesn't matter as she needs to manage that.

WaterBottle123 · 18/10/2021 08:24

Wow. So many grown adults being utterly pathetic about a made up pagan festival designed to keep retailers in business.

None of you is coming across well here. Grow up and just make a drama free plan that doesn't involve complex rules about on which days kids get piles of stuff they don't need handed to them.

And yes DSC mum is shocking. But some common sense from other adults really wouldn't hurt. Take your 'Lo' to see grandparents on Xmas eve, I promise the day will just as good if you can get past the calendar dictating your actions and feelings

Original poster

AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 08:25

Op your DH should put his foot down. This is really bad form of the ex. The DSC grandparents are surely more important to DSC the new blended family?! well that's what I'd have thought. I think she might be trying too hard to blend the families if that makes sense.

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