Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Christmas (already)

400 replies

AutumnLeafy · 17/10/2021 14:36

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 18:46

@TwoDots

Has anyone actually asked the DSC what their preferences are?
DH isn't sure if that's a good idea. The whole idea of the agreement was that the adults sorted it out. But he could do I guess.
OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 18:48

@SnowWhitesSM

I'm so glad this thread has got better instead of tearing OP to shreds.
Me too! I was nervous to check back on it!
OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 18/10/2021 18:50

Your step children are more important than your family surely?

To her dp maybe. But that’s where it may well end. My ex most likely thought his child was more important than my family, and that’s normal. But I sure didn’t, and that’s normal too.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 18:57

Your step children are more important than your family surely in all honesty, no they are not. They are to the family unit but not to me personally. It is the line stepparents have to tread.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:00

I have read every single one of your comments, apart from the deleted ones thankfully.

I just wanted to say thank you so so much to those of you who got it. Those of you who posted handy suggestions. Those of you who could see that I am worried about the DSC's christmas as much as my LO's. Those who understand that when people come from far to get together on one date that is important and it can't just be moved to a random Tuesday in February.

Some of your comments have genuinely bought a tear to my eye. I feel heard, thank you.Flowers

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/10/2021 19:00

Just trying and failing to get my head round the mother choosing a BF over her children on Christmas Day.

You are the bigger person by offering to host them at your parents. I don’t see how you can do any more than that.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:03

Just trying and failing to get my head round the mother choosing a BF over her children on Christmas Day.

I think she is instead trying to swap so she has boxing day so they can have 'xmas' with his kid too. So I think it's more she wants boxing day than she doesn't want Christmas day. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 18/10/2021 19:06

But that still means she’s dumping her children on Christmas Day to accommodate the child of her new boyfriend. Her priorities sound nuts.

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 19:06

Wow. So many grown adults being utterly pathetic about a made up pagan festival designed to keep retailers in business.

None of you is coming across well here. Grow up and just make a drama free plan that doesn't involve complex rules about on which days kids get piles of stuff they don't need handed to them

And yes DSC mum is shocking. But some common sense from other adults really wouldn't hurt. Take your 'Lo' to see grandparents on Xmas eve, I promise the day will just as good if you can get past the calendar dictating your actions and feelings

This is offensive to Christians. It is a Christin festival OPs parents are Christians and has already explained in the thread that Christmas and Easter are very important dates to be celebrated. It may be in your calendar but it is in theirs.

CharlieP1977 · 18/10/2021 19:07

@AutumnLeafy

Just trying and failing to get my head round the mother choosing a BF over her children on Christmas Day.

I think she is instead trying to swap so she has boxing day so they can have 'xmas' with his kid too. So I think it's more she wants boxing day than she doesn't want Christmas day. If that makes sense.

But it isn't just about her and what she wants... (even though by some people's comments on here the world should obviously revolve around the mum and SC Wink)

I think it's so lovely that you are worried about the SC enjoying their day. I would just bring them along with my plans and make the most of the time together! Your family are as important as they are xx

aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2021 19:14

I imagine if the new boyfriend also has his kid every other Christmas, she's trying to bring the kids in synch, so they always have all or none. Unfortunately, she has a prior arrangement with her ex and it doesn't work for you guys to swap. So she'll just have to cope for this year at least, her last minute desires do not take priority.

Or, DH agrees to swap, meaning the kids won't be able to see HIS parents on Christmas for 3 years (at your parents this year, mum's next year, then back round to him). But what shouldn't happen is your DH trying to pressure you into missing out on your year with your family.

Vie8126 · 18/10/2021 19:15

@Getawaywithit if she's visiting family do they not want to see her DC? Should she not want to take them to see family? Even if the boyfriends family surely they are expected to be as welcoming to her DC?

The OP has said she isn't sure about taking her partners children to see her family because she wants them to have a nice Christmas not because she can't be bothered and she's been slated so equally makes no sense if the mother is visiting family.

Tbh it doesn't matter what the mother is doing the simple fact is she should be prioritising her children on Christmas day (seeing as she didn't have them last year as this is every other year arrangement and won't be seeing them next year) and she isn't.

People suggesting the OP celebrates another day.... Why can't the mother do just that with her boyfriends children? Do any of you actually have stepchildren or children that are stepchildren? The knock on effect can be for several families. My DC are always home Xmas day and see their dad boxing day. Their stepmothers children has a different arrangement with her ex husband and his partner has a different arrangement with her ex husband.... my own DP has a different arrangement. Do you see how many families would now be involved if I decided to change long standing plans.

Shock horror we sometimes have to do Xmas day on the 25th and 26th and have the children seperately. We don't have to do the big Christmas meal on boxing day and it's easily explained to children that the other children are seeing their dad for the day. So none of the excuses for the mother are actually worth anything. As I said before if the boyfriend wants a big Xmas day meal on boxing day with his DC he can pay for it if that is the problem for the mother in this situation.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:30

@aSofaNearYou yes I think you might be right, she's trying to get it in sync. That would make sense. But she could just be open about it and say look.. it would be good for DSC if we can get it so her Christmas syncs with Ex's partners. Actually maybe DH could ask that.

OP posts:
Springplanting · 18/10/2021 19:32

Whilst he's at it, could he ask her what exactly she'll be doing herself on Christmas Day? Given that there is clearly no room at the inn for her children.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:35

Do you see how many families would now be involved if I decided to change long standing plans. I do think the reality of a "blended" family and then them also being part of another "blended" family does mean at some point someone in the chain is not going to get to have the plans they want. Unfortunately I do think this means plans can't always centre around the DSC.

OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 19:35

@WaterBottle123

Wow. So many grown adults being utterly pathetic about a made up pagan festival designed to keep retailers in business

You literally couldn’t be anymore offensive if you tried. Could you imagine saying something similar about any other religious event? Eid? Diwali?
No, I doubt it.

Your post is quite sick really.

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:35

@Springplanting

Whilst he's at it, could he ask her what exactly she'll be doing herself on Christmas Day? Given that there is clearly no room at the inn for her children.
I think he'll get told none of his business but he can try!
OP posts:
SpongebobNoPants · 18/10/2021 19:36

@Springplanting
Whilst he's at it, could he ask her what exactly she'll be doing herself on Christmas Day?

Welllll… my guess would be her boyfriend Grin

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 19:37

Ahem it is his business and yours and his kids most importantly if she is reneging on the agreement for the sake of a third party.

nosexdriveanymore · 18/10/2021 19:38

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Springplanting
Whilst he's at it, could he ask her what exactly she'll be doing herself on Christmas Day?

Welllll… my guess would be her boyfriend Grin[/quote]
😂

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:38

That's the other thing.. are DSC going to be happy going to church? Oh it feels like a minefield. Never mind I'll sort it thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:39

@Springplanting

Ahem it is his business and yours and his kids most importantly if she is reneging on the agreement for the sake of a third party.
This is true. He could ask what she's doing so he can explain it to the kids.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 18/10/2021 19:40

[quote AutumnLeafy]@aSofaNearYou yes I think you might be right, she's trying to get it in sync. That would make sense. But she could just be open about it and say look.. it would be good for DSC if we can get it so her Christmas syncs with Ex's partners. Actually maybe DH could ask that.[/quote]
I could be wrong of course but I think it's quite possible that HER partner is putting the pressure on for it to be this way so his children aren't "missing Christmas". This sort of attitude seems quite common with NR dad's, even your DH is making similar noises!

Springplanting · 18/10/2021 19:41

OP you are being very nice to your DSC. But that mother is a CF. Literally. I think she's taking the goodwill to all men a bit tooo far. She is taking the pee. Thin end of the wedge an all...

Original poster
AutumnLeafy · 18/10/2021 19:43

Ah!! Yes maybe!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread