Small DC STILL being hurt by older DSC, it's not really normal is it?

[MyDDtheStrawberryThief]

My two little ones age 2 and 3 keep getting hurt when DSC ages 8 and 9 are playing with them. They are too rough and have no concept of responsible play, choosing to play fight with (and around) them as though they were the same age.

This is particularly the case with eldest DSS (9) who picks them up and spins them around, plonking them down onto the sofa or throwing them down onto it.

After a particularly scary incident earlier in the year where DD (then age around 16 months) was dropped onto her head by eldest DSS onto the floor from his standing height as part of a "game" I imposed a blanket rule that they were not to pick them up again. I posted about this on here at the time.

They conveniently forget this despite constant firm reminders from me and I ended up having a row with OH about It after a further two incidents yesterday (and one last week where DD was whipped with a toy stethoscope which left a bruise because DSS was wafting it around near her)

DS was hurt yet again yesterday by eldest DSC body slamming him into the sofa yesterday 'playing' which resulted in him thumping his head into the hard frame on the back of the. DS was just sat on the sofa with his tablet minding his own business. This resulted in a 30 minute long meltdown where he was inconsolable and couldn't compose himself. He was in pain and his way of dealing with that was sadly to bang his own head repeatedly on the floor whilst screaming (he's autistic)

DD also got whacked square in the face by their football when we were at the park because they thought it was a good idea to blast the ball about where small children were playing, in the direction of said children.

My OH meekly addresses such things by asking them to apologise and be more careful because, in his mind, they are accidents and accidents happen.

If there is a particularly bad incident (the stethoscope is a recent example) OH will get 'no nonsense' about safety for all of 5 minutes but no real consequences are imposed, on this occasion youngest DSS just shouted at him then sulked. He came out of his mood after 10 minutes, made up with OH and all was forgotten.

When I was rowing about it with him today he said they don't mean to hurt them and it's just kids being kids for the most part although he can understand why I'm angry and he doesn't like seeing the smaller DC hurt either.

He said he doesn't know what the answer is short of telling them they can't play full stop and have to just remain seated (he was being sarcastic obviously) as he's told them so many times already and if they don't listen or retain what he's saying then he's at a loss because being boisterous and rambunctious is essentially who they are and the only alternative is to have them sat down playing on screens

Im expecting a baby next month and to be honest I'm concerned about baby being hurt aswell. It hasn't always been this way they have gotten much 'worse' with age.

So tell me, is all of this is par for the course? Do you think it's to be expected that younger siblings will end up hurt by older siblings?

I'm at the stage now where I don't feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised and that isn't ideal because like every other parent, I can't keep my eyes on them for every second they're here, much less with a new baby.

I think I'm prepared to end my relationship over this, accidents or not.

AIBU?

Accidents will happen when kids are playing but it's not right the little ones keep being hurt like this and it's right you feel the need to protect them. No parent would let their kid keep being hurt.
What about asking the little ones to play in another room? Or big ones in garden, little ones living room. Or get the little ones doing activity big ones will find boring so they go elsewhere?

I'm sure it's not intentional but if it keeps happening somethings got to change until they are older.
Is there an issue that the step kids are not be respectful/not listening to you? Do you not have the support of husband when you discipline them?

@Peppermint81

Accidents will happen when kids are playing but it's not right the little ones keep being hurt like this and it's right you feel the need to protect them. No parent would let their kid keep being hurt. What about asking the little ones to play in another room? Or big ones in garden, little ones living room. Or get the little ones doing activity big ones will find boring so they go elsewhere?

I'm sure it's not intentional but if it keeps happening somethings got to change until they are older.
Is there an issue that the step kids are not be respectful/not listening to you? Do you not have the support of husband when you discipline them?

Thank you for replying

Keeping both sets of children apart is difficult due to the layout of our home, it's open plan but the older ones tend to gravitate toward the smaller ones regardless of what activity they're doing. Oldest DSS really enjoys interacting with them. He has a toddler sister at his mum's house too.

I don't think it's intentional in general although there have been a few times I've wondered whether something was done deliberately as it just defied logic.

I struggle to effectively discipline them as it has been made clear (by their mother) that it's not my place, so short of verbal telling and redirection I depend on OH to enforce consequences as they're his kids - but he's certainly falling short.

No amount of asking them not to do it makes a difference as they 'forget' by the next time they come.

I used to have such a lovely relationship with them but I feel it's now strained as my foremost priority is my own children's safety and I find it really upsetting when they keep getting hurt

OP I remember that thread and the one after and you have a OH problem. His inability to handle your DSS emotion and the fact he has never taught him to do so is the issue.

You have had a lot of very good advice on those threads have you implemented any of it. Because you seem stuck in the same place but with a baby on the way

Your baby was purposely dropped on her head by another child as part of a game?

I would leave and protect my children from everything you describe. You are neglecting them by allowing this to continue.

This is awful. I would be gone. My 9 and 7 year old were always kind and gentle with their baby sibling. These children are old enough to know better. Are you going to wait until your child is seriously injured?

Why do you keep having dc op when there's already 4 kids in the household it sounds completely chaotic some of it sounds accidential but could they also be jealous they been just the two of them to now three small children soon I a small amount of time.

@Quartz2208

OP I remember that thread and the one after and you have a OH problem. His inability to handle your DSS emotion and the fact he has never taught him to do so is the issue.

You have had a lot of very good advice on those threads have you implemented any of it. Because you seem stuck in the same place but with a baby on the way

Of course I have yes, and because the same thing keeps happening I'm exhausted by it.

There is a rolling pattern.

Something happens, I put my foot down, OH backs me up (atleast to my face he does) and we (predominantly I) put a plan in place so that it doesn't happen again or if it does how to deal with it.

All runs smoothly for a while.

Then something else happens.

Rinse and repeat.

Overall I don't feel I get sufficient back up from OH who wants it all brushed under the carpet and glossed over as "accidents happen"

I'm at the stage now where I'm seriously considering ending things so people needn't suggest it as it's already very likely.

You need to do what is necessary to protect your children from these thugs. If that means leaving then so be it. Before something serious happens.

Does your older dsc have different dms?

@Bananarama21

Why do you keep having dc op when there's already 4 kids in the household it sounds completely chaotic some of it sounds accidential but could they also be jealous they been just the two of them to now three small children soon I a small amount of time.

I found out when I was 16 weeks pregnant despite being on contraception. However that's not what I asked for advice about.

If I had 12 children that wouldn't make any of it ok.

@Bananarama21

Does your older dsc have different dms?

No it's the same DM. I realise that wasn't clear when I read back my post about DSS having a toddler sibling at home.

Please leave. He doesn’t care about the safety of the two younger children he chose to bring into the world. He’s a crap negligent father.

Age gaps can be hard but I know a few families with these sorts of gaps and not a single one of them involves the younger ones being repeatedly harmed by the older ones while the parents stand by pathetically like he’s doing.

Take your innocent vulnerable very young children and keep them safe. And make sure when they see their dad it’s on a different schedule to his older ones. He will not protect them and keep them safe. Because he doesn’t care if they get hurt. This is serious.

@HannaHanna

Your baby was purposely dropped on her head by another child as part of a game?

I would leave and protect my children from everything you describe. You are neglecting them by allowing this to continue.

He was picking her up playing saying "weeeee"

She was laughing along, then he decided to drop her back down onto the floor with another "weeee" as according to him he thought the rug (a thin one over a wooden floor) would provide a soft enough landing.

Thank you for the no nonsense last part. I agree and I need to hear it.

From my own experience with kids roughly 5 years apart in age you really have to teach the older ones to be gentle with the baby/toddler. It doesn't just happen.

So at the start you hover about and if you see a dangerous situation you intervene before something happens. So say with playing football, you tell the bigger ones to kick the ball away from the little ones. And repeat if they go back. You can also talk about the consequences of what could happen. Kids don't really think through what they do.
You could also emphasise how they are big kids and can take care of the little ones. Give them some made up responsibility like help little one open a snack packet or some such. If they gravitate towards the little ones they clearly want to interact, they just seem very clueless with what they are doing.

No it's not par for the course. Some accidents will happen, same as everything. But for the most part my 9 & 11 year old DSC are very gently with their younger sibling and would actually be really upset if they'd hurt him accidentally. They are not daft at that age, they know how rough/not rough you can be with a small child.

This is a hill I would die on.

Gentle*

@endofagain

This is awful. I would be gone. My 9 and 7 year old were always kind and gentle with their baby sibling. These children are old enough to know better. Are you going to wait until your child is seriously injured?

No, I don't plan to.

I've been psyching myself up to having 'the' talk all day. I want to tell him to find somewhere else to live and that he's to have his contact elsewhere in the mean time.

Given the fact my hormones are all over at the moment and I'm very stressed out I came here because I wanted to be told pretty much what I am being told, that it's absolutely not ok, so I don't backtrack and allow it to be minimised by him who is constantly in their defence.

So I'm happy for posters to be as blunt as they feel nessecary. It helps.

Good for you. Please keep posting. We’re behind you.

While obviously the little ones getting hurt is the immediate and most pressing concern, I'd also be worried about the future with someone who is so incapable of dealing at all effectively with his older children. Is he going to be equally indulgent of your children, which is going to make parenting alongside him really hard and frustrating? Or is he not, in which case the obvious inequality in how he treats them will cause other issues?

It might explain some underlying jealously op 3 young dc in a short space of time is alot of change. If they are hurting them on purpose.

I genuinely feel as though I've been gaslighted.

Whenever I bring it up he says he can see why I'm upset and angry but it's bound to happen, kids being kids. They don't mean any harm. Accidents happen. Him and his brothers were the same as children etc.

I've been made to feel like the wicked step mother who has a grudge against the children and don't want them around when that's not true at all.

He was picking her up playing saying "weeeee"

She was laughing along, then he decided to drop her back down onto the floor with another "weeee" as according to him he thought the rug (a thin one over a wooden floor) would provide a soft enough landing.

It doesn't matter if she was laughing. That's a dangerous situation and should have been stopped.

Either you have to constantly watch & intervene, and arrange activities so that no-one gets hurt, or your children shouldn't be in the same place as the older ones at all.

It's up to you if that means leaving the man who doesn't care about his children getting hurt.

Are you married your in a dangerous financial situation if not who's house is it?

@Hardbackwriter

While obviously the little ones getting hurt is the immediate and most pressing concern, I'd also be worried about the future with someone who is so incapable of dealing at all effectively with his older children. Is he going to be equally indulgent of your children, which is going to make parenting alongside him really hard and frustrating? Or is he not, in which case the obvious inequality in how he treats them will cause other issues?

There is a definite disparity in the way he disciplines the two sets of children.

He's firm with ours and extremely lax with his.

Disney dadding is the term used to describe the way he is with his older ones. Non resident parent guilt. He doesn't like to spend what time he has with them telling them off, so that is another big issue I have.

Your DH's children are violent bullies and your DH is doing nothing to protect the toddlers. If this carries on SS will be asking some serious questions.