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Small DC STILL being hurt by older DSC, it's not really normal is it?

162 replies

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 23/09/2021 22:02

My two little ones age 2 and 3 keep getting hurt when DSC ages 8 and 9 are playing with them. They are too rough and have no concept of responsible play, choosing to play fight with (and around) them as though they were the same age.

This is particularly the case with eldest DSS (9) who picks them up and spins them around, plonking them down onto the sofa or throwing them down onto it.

After a particularly scary incident earlier in the year where DD (then age around 16 months) was dropped onto her head by eldest DSS onto the floor from his standing height as part of a "game" I imposed a blanket rule that they were not to pick them up again. I posted about this on here at the time.

They conveniently forget this despite constant firm reminders from me and I ended up having a row with OH about It after a further two incidents yesterday (and one last week where DD was whipped with a toy stethoscope which left a bruise because DSS was wafting it around near her)

DS was hurt yet again yesterday by eldest DSC body slamming him into the sofa yesterday 'playing' which resulted in him thumping his head into the hard frame on the back of the. DS was just sat on the sofa with his tablet minding his own business. This resulted in a 30 minute long meltdown where he was inconsolable and couldn't compose himself. He was in pain and his way of dealing with that was sadly to bang his own head repeatedly on the floor whilst screaming (he's autistic)

DD also got whacked square in the face by their football when we were at the park because they thought it was a good idea to blast the ball about where small children were playing, in the direction of said children.

My OH meekly addresses such things by asking them to apologise and be more careful because, in his mind, they are accidents and accidents happen.

If there is a particularly bad incident (the stethoscope is a recent example) OH will get 'no nonsense' about safety for all of 5 minutes but no real consequences are imposed, on this occasion youngest DSS just shouted at him then sulked. He came out of his mood after 10 minutes, made up with OH and all was forgotten.

When I was rowing about it with him today he said they don't mean to hurt them and it's just kids being kids for the most part although he can understand why I'm angry and he doesn't like seeing the smaller DC hurt either.

He said he doesn't know what the answer is short of telling them they can't play full stop and have to just remain seated (he was being sarcastic obviously) as he's told them so many times already and if they don't listen or retain what he's saying then he's at a loss because being boisterous and rambunctious is essentially who they are and the only alternative is to have them sat down playing on screens Hmm

Im expecting a baby next month and to be honest I'm concerned about baby being hurt aswell. It hasn't always been this way they have gotten much 'worse' with age.

So tell me, is all of this is par for the course? Do you think it's to be expected that younger siblings will end up hurt by older siblings?

I'm at the stage now where I don't feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised and that isn't ideal because like every other parent, I can't keep my eyes on them for every second they're here, much less with a new baby.

I think I'm prepared to end my relationship over this, accidents or not.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Genevie82 · 24/09/2021 20:34

OP, you’ve got my sympathy; you are totally right to be putting your foot down to protect your children and baby when it comes along. I can imagine how stressful it must feel having to constantly watch what your DSC are doing when around little ones, I’d been alway feeling anxious and not able to relax in my own home.
Why don’t you tell your partner that they need to have the time spent at yours significantly reduced?ie only half a day on a sat or something like that. Or that it’s either him taking them out for a treat/ trip at weekends and dropping them back to their mums or abit of combined family time that you feel is safe and manageable for only a few hours. It would mean far less disruption for you and your kids than your DP moving out and you could retain control of the situation better ? It sounds very chaotic having them the whole weekend - it’s time to reduce surely Xxx

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 24/09/2021 20:36

In your position I would have punched the DSS in the face by now so you have been really patient. Honestly, I think leaving him is the best thing you can do. He is not going to change

You know, in the moment I actually hoped DS would wallop him one and I'm not somebody who would usually condone my children hitting.

If DS had done, then DSS would have had the shock of his life. He's a strong little boy and on the 95th centile for his age. He probably wouldn't have done it again.

DS wouldn't do that though because he loves DSS so much, he's the only person he's ever properly cuddled in a wrap-his-arms-around-you way. Even me and OH don't get cuddles like DSS does.

It's sad.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/09/2021 21:00

You’re doing so well. Keep strong, keep talking Flowers

WoozySnoozy · 24/09/2021 21:14

Well done x it must be so hard that your DP doesn't seem to care your children are getting hurt.

WimpoleHat · 24/09/2021 21:35

and not be derailed by his "they would never hurt them on purpose"

This is where @TryingToBeLogical has the killer argument, though. It doesn’t matter whether it was “on purpose” or not. They hurt them. They have repeatedly hurt them, despite repeated exhortations to be careful. It’s the actuality- not the intention - that matters here. At what point is enough enough? Do you wait for a serious injury? How serious?

BreadInCaptivity · 24/09/2021 22:29

basically their default play style

Why is it their default is the question?

Because their father never pulls them up on bad/dangerous behaviour.

He's made it their default as they get away with it by turning on the tears to avoid consequences of poor behaviour.

Their default is not acceptable. A good parent teaches their children appropriate behaviours and boundaries. He's not doing that.

What does he think will happen if one of the younger children get seriously hurt?

The implications are shattering for everyone including the step children.

His being a piss poor father to all his children.

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 24/09/2021 22:41

I think both he and his ex are to blame for allowing them to run wild with the play fighting, neither of them keep it in check as I know they do the same at their mothers.

So they can drag one another around at her place, then they come here and OH let's them do the same and only says something when somebody gets hurt.

Neither parent makes any effort to quash the silly dangerous play, probably because it's keeping them busy and means they don't need to actually do anything with them.

I said to him this morning that there needed to be at least one parent keeping it in check and it needed to be him as I couldn't care less what they do at home, that's her problem.

I would love to be a fly on the wall in her house though because I'm sure she'd go bonkers if it was her 3 year old being hurt.

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 25/09/2021 01:50

OP , at this point having decided that the problem is due to his and the mom's parenting of their children, your thoughts should move now to how are you going to manage 3 children ages 3 and under on your own. You will have 3 babies one of whom is new born and the another who has special needs.

In a short time it won't matter what the older boys' mom permits in her home , and it won't matter what you think of your soon to be ex and his parenting. You won't be there to witness it, and a Court may not be inclined to deny a father access to his young children.

Those are the realities that you are likely to be facing soon. Do you have a plan,resources, and support in p!ace to deal with those issues?

Your thoughts should move away from your partner and his ex and on to restructuring your life in a way that you on your own can handle your 3 very young and totally dependent children.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but at this point you gain little from focusing on your partner. Your focus needs to shift to that which you are about to face. You can't change the past. Ten hundred more people could say that your partner is ineffective at parenting, that is not going to move you one step forward.

The ball is now in your court and you are about to face some trying times. Please begin to make some concrete plans to deal with what lies ahead. You should begin to marshall whatever support system that you have in place.

timeisnotaline · 25/09/2021 05:17

Stay strong op, you are the only person here keeping your small children safe.

MeridianB · 25/09/2021 07:27

Well done, OP. How did your OH respond when you set the boundary about contact needing to happen elsewhere?

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 25/09/2021 07:39

@Tattler2

OP , at this point having decided that the problem is due to his and the mom's parenting of their children, your thoughts should move now to how are you going to manage 3 children ages 3 and under on your own. You will have 3 babies one of whom is new born and the another who has special needs.

In a short time it won't matter what the older boys' mom permits in her home , and it won't matter what you think of your soon to be ex and his parenting. You won't be there to witness it, and a Court may not be inclined to deny a father access to his young children.

Those are the realities that you are likely to be facing soon. Do you have a plan,resources, and support in p!ace to deal with those issues?

Your thoughts should move away from your partner and his ex and on to restructuring your life in a way that you on your own can handle your 3 very young and totally dependent children.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but at this point you gain little from focusing on your partner. Your focus needs to shift to that which you are about to face. You can't change the past. Ten hundred more people could say that your partner is ineffective at parenting, that is not going to move you one step forward.

The ball is now in your court and you are about to face some trying times. Please begin to make some concrete plans to deal with what lies ahead. You should begin to marshall whatever support system that you have in place.

I don't have a support system unfortunately, with OH out of the picture I'm on my own. It's a very daunting prospect but it is what it is isn't it, I won't be the first or last in my position so I'll just have to pull my socks up, get on with it and hope I manage ok Sad

Either way I can't backtrack now I've got to stick to my guns.

How did your OH respond when you set the boundary about contact needing to happen elsewhere?

He hasn't actually delved into it with me, just quietly accepted my decision. I know him though and that's what he does, he will sit on things for a few days to process it, he won't be happy about it and it's going to cause problems with his ex but that's for him to sort. I don't think he even tells her about the "accidents" in the first place so it'll be a bolt from the blue.

OP posts:
orangeblosssom · 25/09/2021 10:41

May be you're not cut out to step-parent.

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 25/09/2021 10:46

@orangeblosssom

May be you're not cut out to step-parent.
Then it's a good job I won't be one for much longer isn't it Hmm

Roll on freedom.

OP posts:
MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 25/09/2021 10:54

My children will be safe in their own home, I won't have to deal with unruly children I'm not allowed to discipline, I'll be able to make plans that suit me and not have to cater to the schedule of three other people, no more needing to buy presents for ungrateful children who don't appreciate anything I get them and I can finally start to consider moving elsewhere which I've wanted to do for years but not been able to because I've had to consider DSC.

Win!

OP posts:
WoozySnoozy · 25/09/2021 10:56

@MyDDtheStrawberryThief horray!

Do you think your current partner will still want to see your kids? Just wondering if there's a safe way of doing that so they don't get beaten up by the others.

bigbeatmanifesto · 25/09/2021 11:04

My 8 & 6 year olds roughhouse with each other every now and again mostly in the garden but never around the youngest they're very gentle & careful around her it's definitely not normal to keep getting worse with age one incident would be considered an accident repetitive incidents would be purposely injuring your dc imo.

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 25/09/2021 11:05

[quote WoozySnoozy]@MyDDtheStrawberryThief horray!

Do you think your current partner will still want to see your kids? Just wondering if there's a safe way of doing that so they don't get beaten up by the others.[/quote]
I'm absolutely sure he will still want to see them, although I'm not sure how the logistics will work yet. I don't want him having them at the same time as DSC I know that much.

Where he sees them will be another matter as if he stays with his DF for a period of time which I think he will initially, he won't be able to have them there (DF's wife won't have it)

I don't have a concrete plan in place yet but I do know it's over. I didn't foresee this happening so quickly especially given the fact I'm about to give birth but I'm just so done with it all.

I'm having a section so I'll need a fair bit of hands on support in the early days which is the least he can do given everything I've put up with.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 25/09/2021 11:05

[quote WoozySnoozy]@MyDDtheStrawberryThief horray!

Do you think your current partner will still want to see your kids? Just wondering if there's a safe way of doing that so they don't get beaten up by the others.[/quote]
I was wondering this too. How will you prevent him having contact with all his DC at the same time?

WoozySnoozy · 25/09/2021 11:09

I know usually it's said you can't control what happens on dad's time but I'm wondering if a court would accept it's a safety thing. Maybe dad will find it too much anyway. Plus the youngest ones won't want to be away from mum for long.

WoozySnoozy · 25/09/2021 11:09

You're so brave OP and I hope all goes will with your baby x

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 25/09/2021 11:15

I honestly have no idea how I'll be able to prevent him having them all together, I need to get some legal advice I think, although to be completely honest I think Woozy you're right he'll likely find it too much to have them all together without me there.

You're so brave OP and I hope all goes will with your baby

Aw thank you that's very kind. I feel it! It's strange because I'm a tread-on-eggshells person usually but I have this fire in my belly now to push forward and make the changes needed.

I really needed the no nonsense, straight talking that comes with MN so thank you ladies.

OP posts:
AnnieSnap · 25/09/2021 17:03

@orangeblosssom

May be you're not cut out to step-parent.
That is harsh and unnecessary 🙄 Maybe the OP is cut out to be a step-parent with a sensible husband and step children who are familiar with sensible boundaries!
HogDogKetchup · 26/09/2021 11:01

Yes. It’s the lack of parenting from the actual parents that’s the issue, not OP.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/09/2021 11:15

I honestly have no idea how I'll be able to prevent him having them all together, I need to get some legal advice I think, although to be completely honest I think Woozy you're right he'll likely find it too much to have them all together without me there.

Don't give him the chance to try that out. Refuse to let him have your kids to stay, or in any situation where the other kids may be there.
He can be the one to take action about it, if he objects.

Well done for saying the stepkids can no longer visit your home.
Has your partner accepted that your relationship is over?

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 26/09/2021 12:12

He's saying he respects my decision and will stay put until after babies born so he can be on hand for practical support. I'm having a section and will need him to have the other 2 and help my recovery so I agree with that much. He'll then look for somewhere to stay once I'm mobile again and ready for him to leave (aka go to dad's)

I have a feeling he thinks it'll all blow over by that time and I'll change my mind as he's strangely calm and composed for somebody who's just been told their relationship is over. It's that or he doesn't particularly care.

OP posts:
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