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Small DC STILL being hurt by older DSC, it's not really normal is it?

162 replies

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 23/09/2021 22:02

My two little ones age 2 and 3 keep getting hurt when DSC ages 8 and 9 are playing with them. They are too rough and have no concept of responsible play, choosing to play fight with (and around) them as though they were the same age.

This is particularly the case with eldest DSS (9) who picks them up and spins them around, plonking them down onto the sofa or throwing them down onto it.

After a particularly scary incident earlier in the year where DD (then age around 16 months) was dropped onto her head by eldest DSS onto the floor from his standing height as part of a "game" I imposed a blanket rule that they were not to pick them up again. I posted about this on here at the time.

They conveniently forget this despite constant firm reminders from me and I ended up having a row with OH about It after a further two incidents yesterday (and one last week where DD was whipped with a toy stethoscope which left a bruise because DSS was wafting it around near her)

DS was hurt yet again yesterday by eldest DSC body slamming him into the sofa yesterday 'playing' which resulted in him thumping his head into the hard frame on the back of the. DS was just sat on the sofa with his tablet minding his own business. This resulted in a 30 minute long meltdown where he was inconsolable and couldn't compose himself. He was in pain and his way of dealing with that was sadly to bang his own head repeatedly on the floor whilst screaming (he's autistic)

DD also got whacked square in the face by their football when we were at the park because they thought it was a good idea to blast the ball about where small children were playing, in the direction of said children.

My OH meekly addresses such things by asking them to apologise and be more careful because, in his mind, they are accidents and accidents happen.

If there is a particularly bad incident (the stethoscope is a recent example) OH will get 'no nonsense' about safety for all of 5 minutes but no real consequences are imposed, on this occasion youngest DSS just shouted at him then sulked. He came out of his mood after 10 minutes, made up with OH and all was forgotten.

When I was rowing about it with him today he said they don't mean to hurt them and it's just kids being kids for the most part although he can understand why I'm angry and he doesn't like seeing the smaller DC hurt either.

He said he doesn't know what the answer is short of telling them they can't play full stop and have to just remain seated (he was being sarcastic obviously) as he's told them so many times already and if they don't listen or retain what he's saying then he's at a loss because being boisterous and rambunctious is essentially who they are and the only alternative is to have them sat down playing on screens Hmm

Im expecting a baby next month and to be honest I'm concerned about baby being hurt aswell. It hasn't always been this way they have gotten much 'worse' with age.

So tell me, is all of this is par for the course? Do you think it's to be expected that younger siblings will end up hurt by older siblings?

I'm at the stage now where I don't feel comfortable leaving them unsupervised and that isn't ideal because like every other parent, I can't keep my eyes on them for every second they're here, much less with a new baby.

I think I'm prepared to end my relationship over this, accidents or not.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
aSofaNearYou · 26/09/2021 12:25

I have a feeling he thinks it'll all blow over by that time and I'll change my mind as he's strangely calm and composed for somebody who's just been told their relationship is over. It's that or he doesn't particularly care.

I can't help but notice this too OP. I checked back in on this thread after commenting initially and was struck by how quickly things have escalated. Would he seriously rather end the relationship and not get to live with his baby and two other kids, than simply agree to discipline the older kids when they injure the little ones? The mind boggles.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/09/2021 12:34

Would he seriously rather end the relationship and not get to live with his baby and two other kids, than simply agree to discipline the older kids when they injure the little ones?
He will be thinking that won't happen.
Instead, he'll be supportive with baby, OP will realise what a gem he is, and all will be fine.

OP, has anything changed now - as the relationship has ended?
E.g. he's sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable?

AnnieSnap · 26/09/2021 13:17

OP, do you need to end your marriage if you can successfully prevent your stepsons from visiting the house?

MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 26/09/2021 13:26

We haven't shared a bedroom for the best part of a year anyway (I'm an insomniac and he snores terribly)

Would he seriously rather end the relationship and not get to live with his baby and two other kids, than simply agree to discipline the older kids when they injure the little ones?

He did say he'd continue to try and address the issues with DSC. The problem is I have no faith that it'll make a blind bit of difference because he already has tried a handful of times (not hard enough by most people's standards, granted)

We're stuck in a cycle whereby something will happen, I'll say enough is enough, he'll get on-board and be strict with them about being careful, then within about a month it's all gone out of the window and they're running riot again doing the same things.

I raise it again, he gets exasperated and says he doesn't know what else to do, they won't listen etc.

He's not an effective disciplinarian because he doesn't enforce consequences.

So for something like DD being whipped with a toy by youngest DSS and then shouting back at OH when he's told off for it - I would have liked to see consequences like loss of screen time (as PP suggested)

OH wouldn't enforce something like that because in his mind it would just escalate things and cause youngest DSS to kick off further.

He thinks telling him is enough, it isn't.

With eldest DSS, the one responsible for about 70% of these 'accidents' OH is reluctant to even tell him off, because he gets into a state which pulls on OH's heartstrings (and NRP guilt) so short of asking him to explain what's happened, and telling him to be much more careful, nothing gets done.

Ideally I should be able to enforce consequences myself but I'll be honest I've never felt comfortable enough without the backing of OH and his ex and I'll never get that.

It's also pointless me trying to discipline children single handedly when any progress I might make would be undone and undermined by the next week.

I've just become so ground down by it all I'm honestly beyond wanting to waste any more energy on it/them Sad

OP posts:
MyDDtheStrawberryThief · 26/09/2021 13:28

@AnnieSnap

OP, do you need to end your marriage if you can successfully prevent your stepsons from visiting the house?
I don't think I would be able to enforce that indefinitely if I remained in a relationship with OH to be honest.

In the past when I've asked him to take them out some weeks to give me a break he's got huffy saying he can't take them out every week (hadn't even asked him to at that point)

There's nowhere else he can have them if he stays here with me, short of sitting in the park for a few hours every week which he wouldn't do.

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 26/09/2021 17:15

I'm not having them here anymore so he can say what he likes to his ex. My kids don't need it and I don't need it either.

So you've told him this but you think he'll still try to wear you down, so that your children can run the risk of injury again?

If so, he's a crap dad to his younger children and it won't get better when there's a baby too.

Dinoroaraus · 26/09/2021 17:27

I really don't get why he cares so little about his younger children!

MyCatHatesEverybody · 26/09/2021 17:42

He thinks telling him is enough, it isn't.

The sad truth is the above sentence could just as accurately describe all your previous interactions with your OH when you tell him he needs to step up and deal with the rough "play" - there have been no actual consequences for you OH (or none that he's perceived as being uncomfortable enough to bother him in the long term).

Stand firm this time to protect your children.

AnnieSnap · 26/09/2021 18:20

@MyDDtheStrawberryThief I see. I’m sorry you are in this situation. It could be the case that he doesn’t believe you will carry out your decision to end things. If you do, it may concentrate his mind enough to change his ways and maybe you could work something out with new rules. As for you not being permitted to discipline the stepchildren, I’d be taking a ‘my house, my rules’ approach. You can remove screen time etc. No one can stop you from doing that and establishing boundaries and consequences yourself. If your DH and/or his ex don’t like you doing that, the only thing they can do is to stop the SC being at your house- result.

Justilou1 · 27/09/2021 00:56

He can start taking them to grandpas. That’s where he’ll be living anyway, so they might as well both get used to it. Have that conversation with grandpa yourself if necessary.

Tattler2 · 27/09/2021 12:17

If OP's husband is truly a lazy and indifferent father, he is quite possibly not going to be bothered by a break or respite that gets him out of a household with 3 children ages 3 and under.

The OP insisting that he leave will give him an exit strategy that he can blame on the OP. This man will get to spend time with his children and at the same time be spared any of the primary responsibility for any of his children.

Given the ages of his children and when he is exiting from their various households ,this may be a pattern. I would imagine that all of these children will one day hear some version of" your mom asked /insisted that I leave.

All of these children are being failed in various ways.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 27/09/2021 12:24

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