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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Applying to change a court order

187 replies

chippe · 06/09/2021 22:34

Just looking for some advice if anyone has been through similar.

Should also say I'm in Scotland in case that makes a difference.

My DP separated from exW 8 years ago and have a 9 year old DS.

There is a court agreement in place regarding contact and DP has 2 overnights one week, 3 the next (so 5 of 14).

We're really keen to increase to 50/50 if possible but obviously this would need to go through court.

DPs point is that the existing arrangement was made when DS was only 1 (coming up for 2) and things have changed considerably since then.

However his ex says NO as there is an established routine that has been working well for DS and she doesn't see why it should change. She also claims to have asked him and he said he doesn't want any more overnights with his had as he likes it how it is.

Obviously there would a lot of stress and hassle going through the courts so just wondered what you think our chances would be?

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 20:58

What about his child and what he wants?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:04

@Pebbledashery

What about his child and what he wants?
But the op has said they believe the mother has been influencing the child so who knows what the child truly wants. But even so, saying he's not a good father because he'd like to see more of his son, seems an unreasonable thing to say. Isn't it good that parents want to get more involved?
Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 21:14

And op could be completely wrong. She has no evidence of that apart from ds is fine as his is. And how would see even prove it. Are they going to claim parental alienation in court? Because that sort of chaos will only negatively impact the child.

As pp said, op isn't particularly child focused. The dad didn't want 50:50 for years. Her dp was fine for years without 50:50 and now wants even though his son is saying he doesn't.

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 21:18

Isn't it good that parents want to get more involved?

NRP can get involved in many many other ways, football on a Saturday, swimming, evening FaceTimes, school pick ups for tea out, extra time in the holidays.

He is nine. He knows what he wants to do and this certainly isn't a case of parental alienation. Its mind boggling that the OP and you dont feel that the lads wishes are not worth of credit Confused

Because obviously he isn't chomping at the bit at moving in 50/50 it has to be the mum manipulating right? There is some denial or narcissism on the OP part here.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 21:27

Sorry, but he is a bad father. He suddenly wants 50:50 because Dad's girlfriend is the driving force behind it and it means less cms.. Read it, and read it again. Its disgraceful. You have no evidence whatsoever he's being emotionally manipulated.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:30

@Hekatestorch. She could be completely wrong. But she could be completely right. Loads of women come on here and say their ex this that or the other. Everyone agrees with them and takes their word for it. Why can't you give the same support to the op?

Maybe the dad has just realised as his son is getting older that he's missed so much and is making up for lost time. If a mother came on here and said she had less custody years ago but now feels like her daughter is getting older and would benefit from having a mother's influence more of the time, people would be falling over themselves to back her up. I know this is true because there was a similar thread a few months ago.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:33

@Pebbledashery

Sorry, but he is a bad father. He suddenly wants 50:50 because Dad's girlfriend is the driving force behind it and it means less cms.. Read it, and read it again. Its disgraceful. You have no evidence whatsoever he's being emotionally manipulated.
The op said this...

"However we believe this has come from her as she has history of being difficult and manipulative and tries to turn him against us."

Isn't this evidence?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:35

@Evesgarden
The opportunity wrote this...
" she has history of being difficult and manipulative and tries to turn him against us."

Why would you believe it if a mother said this of her ex, but not if a father says it of his ex?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:37

There is some denial or narcissism on the OP part here.

Sorry, I forgot. Its MN. There must be narcissism involved somewhere. 🙄

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 07/09/2021 21:42

I've only read the first page. OP you are grim.

You are not his mother or parent or even step parent.

There is no WE. ie WE want, WE apply for a court order.

You have no say and no application.

Why disrupt the child? He's used to the status quo for a decade of this life. You want more nights to reduce CMS -why you do think CMS is wonderful? CMS is the bare minimum the government say he should pay -any reasonable NRP would pay more than the minimum if affordable not LESS.

He doesn't want to.

You don't care.

You are the manipulative one.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 21:43

[quote Millicentsparty]@Hekatestorch. She could be completely wrong. But she could be completely right. Loads of women come on here and say their ex this that or the other. Everyone agrees with them and takes their word for it. Why can't you give the same support to the op?

Maybe the dad has just realised as his son is getting older that he's missed so much and is making up for lost time. If a mother came on here and said she had less custody years ago but now feels like her daughter is getting older and would benefit from having a mother's influence more of the time, people would be falling over themselves to back her up. I know this is true because there was a similar thread a few months ago.[/quote]
Because op thinks that its parental alienation, simply based on the fact that the child says he is fine. She can't comprehend he may just be fine.

The child's opinion, has barely been considered by the OP at all. In any of her posts. CMS had been mentioned and the liklihood of them not winning and it being a waste of money has. But not really the child.

Op seems to think he should want to live there because he has a nice room and enjoys staying. Again bare minimum for a decent parent to have somewhere decent for their child to sleep and a decent environment.

Saying 'dss says x but we are ignoring it because it's probably his mums opinion' isn't the sign of a good parent.

I, absolutely would not be back any parent of any sex, deciding that after years of not taking half the responsibility has decided they are, even though the child doesn't want it....based on having a partner who is will to pick up the slack. Op evens says he wouldn't have coped alone.

Whether there was a thread a few months ago or not, isn't relevant. I wasn't on it and the vast majority of mners won't be. We aren't a hive mind.

If a parent let's the other parent take majority responsibility, I don't believe they ever then have the right to say 'actually I want more cause I just do' , especially when the child doesn't want that.

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 07/09/2021 21:48

For what it is worth my ex took me to court repeatedly claiming I was obstructing access.............

this including him notifying me at 5pm on a Friday that he wanted to change weekends as he was going for a run with a friend on a Saturday -I said no -he said I was inflexible despite having things prebooked on Saturday and Sunday.

him asking for a weekend due to a family wedding -told two weeks before a pre planned trip agreed 6 months before abroad, flights booked 6 months: during a trip to France. He wanted me to fly back with the children for 48 hours for a wedding during the holiday. He the court I was obstructing his relationships with his other family members and inflexible.

Calling someone manipulative , in flexible etc is ALL in the eye of the beholder.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 21:53

Sorry, I can't for one second agree with you. You're saying he's suddenly realised how much he misses his son, coincidentally as he has a new girlfriend..
What about having the gumption to fight tooth and nail all those years before new girlfriend comes along?? Lazy parenting I'd say. No, he's happy to settle for the bare minimum until someone's quietly whispered in his ear that his cms would dramatically reduce if he had 50/50. Not one of the op's posts has genuinely considered how this boy is feeling or what he wants. Parental alienation is very obvious. If he was being manipulated, he wouldn't have the mind set to say "I'm fine as I am" he would say "my mum says I'm fine as I am" and I say that as someone who has been accused of parental alienation and it was thrown out immediately in court.

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 21:54

@Millicentsparty

There is some denial or narcissism on the OP part here.

Sorry, I forgot. Its MN. There must be narcissism involved somewhere. 🙄

@Millicentsparty your completely missing the point - that the lad has said he doesn't want extra time.

He doesn't want extra time.

And yes the has to be some element of denial or narcissism if the OP and her partner refuse to except its just because he doesn't want to be there more and are seriously considering going against his wishes and going to court.

Who does that to a nine year old?

Its tough shit now that the lads older, easier to look after and the dad now has a resident baby sitter. The boy doesn't want more time. That boat has sailed.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 21:58

The op said there is a history of poor behaviour from the mother which she has,witnessed. Why can't you believe that? Why do you just dismiss it? The father has been ever present and ever paying in the child's life. The child has stayed over regularly for his entire life quite safely. And the child is happy staying there. He stays over two nights and three nights. Is it such a horrendously big step to stay over three nights and three nights. Or three and four. He's looking at increasing two extra nights so he has more quality time. Does that really merit being called a bad father?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:02

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit

For what it is worth my ex took me to court repeatedly claiming I was obstructing access.............

this including him notifying me at 5pm on a Friday that he wanted to change weekends as he was going for a run with a friend on a Saturday -I said no -he said I was inflexible despite having things prebooked on Saturday and Sunday.

him asking for a weekend due to a family wedding -told two weeks before a pre planned trip agreed 6 months before abroad, flights booked 6 months: during a trip to France. He wanted me to fly back with the children for 48 hours for a wedding during the holiday. He the court I was obstructing his relationships with his other family members and inflexible.

Calling someone manipulative , in flexible etc is ALL in the eye of the beholder.

That's your situation. Not there's.

It is in the eye of the beholder but if she's beheld it, why wouldn't you believe it?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:04

@Evesgarden
That boat has sailed.

Not if he makes a good case in court.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:04

So do called wonderful father suddenly wants 50/50 as soon as he gets a girlfriend? Where in op's post has she done considered what this boy wants?... Do tell.

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 22:06

[quote Millicentsparty]@Evesgarden
That boat has sailed.

Not if he makes a good case in court.[/quote]
Are you the OP?

Neither of you are taking in to consideration how the lad feels about this. It's weird.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:08

@Millicentsparty

The op said there is a history of poor behaviour from the mother which she has,witnessed. Why can't you believe that? Why do you just dismiss it? The father has been ever present and ever paying in the child's life. The child has stayed over regularly for his entire life quite safely. And the child is happy staying there. He stays over two nights and three nights. Is it such a horrendously big step to stay over three nights and three nights. Or three and four. He's looking at increasing two extra nights so he has more quality time. Does that really merit being called a bad father?
Op says the bot went through a stage of mor wanting to come blames that on the mu being manipulative, again nothing g to back that up. Just because he didn't want to go.

Kids go through phases like this.

Who said it was an horrendous step?

Fact is, the child has said he is fine. So the only people this is benefitting is op and her dp. Again, not the sign of a good parent.

How long the child has with each parent should be focused on the child. Which op and her dp clearly aren't.

And again, as op has admitted he probably wouldn't have coped with out her, what happens if they spilt?

And op hasn't confirmed that the dp will be getting much more quality time with the child. She avoided the question. Several times. If he couldn't do more care before she came along. How come all of a sudden now she is in the picture, he will be available to so much more quality time. And why would op be picking up the slack?

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:08

It's op's husband
.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:08

[quote Millicentsparty]@Evesgarden
That boat has sailed.

Not if he makes a good case in court.[/quote]
What's the good case?

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 22:09

I think @Millicentsparty is the OP

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:12

@Pebbledashery
No, he's happy to settle for the bare minimum

5 nights isn't the bare minimum. It's 36% and he's looking at increasing to 50%. If it's been disgraceful of him not doing that extra 14%, isn't it good he steps up now?

If he was being manipulated, he wouldn't have the mind set to say "I'm fine as I am" he would say "my mum says I'm fine as I am"

Actually I think that is exactly what manipulation is. Getting someone to believe its their own idea.

someone's quietly whispered in his ear that his cms would dramatically reduce if he had 50/50.

The op is,quite clear that they were discussing this long before any letter. Or are you calling the op a liar?

Just because you've had a bad relationship with a man, doesn't make all men inherently bad.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:14

Wow. OK.. You're related.