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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Applying to change a court order

187 replies

chippe · 06/09/2021 22:34

Just looking for some advice if anyone has been through similar.

Should also say I'm in Scotland in case that makes a difference.

My DP separated from exW 8 years ago and have a 9 year old DS.

There is a court agreement in place regarding contact and DP has 2 overnights one week, 3 the next (so 5 of 14).

We're really keen to increase to 50/50 if possible but obviously this would need to go through court.

DPs point is that the existing arrangement was made when DS was only 1 (coming up for 2) and things have changed considerably since then.

However his ex says NO as there is an established routine that has been working well for DS and she doesn't see why it should change. She also claims to have asked him and he said he doesn't want any more overnights with his had as he likes it how it is.

Obviously there would a lot of stress and hassle going through the courts so just wondered what you think our chances would be?

OP posts:
Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 22:14

[quote Millicentsparty]@Pebbledashery
No, he's happy to settle for the bare minimum

5 nights isn't the bare minimum. It's 36% and he's looking at increasing to 50%. If it's been disgraceful of him not doing that extra 14%, isn't it good he steps up now?

If he was being manipulated, he wouldn't have the mind set to say "I'm fine as I am" he would say "my mum says I'm fine as I am"

Actually I think that is exactly what manipulation is. Getting someone to believe its their own idea.

someone's quietly whispered in his ear that his cms would dramatically reduce if he had 50/50.

The op is,quite clear that they were discussing this long before any letter. Or are you calling the op a liar?

Just because you've had a bad relationship with a man, doesn't make all men inherently bad.[/quote]
Again - no reference to how the lad feels about it.

Weird.

CheshireChat · 07/09/2021 22:15

Why would the mum agree to have less time with her kid so that the father's partner can babysit? If your DP wants to spend more time with his son, then he needs to be the one parenting.

And even you admit that he might not have coped and he'd manage now that he has you. That boy's mother has had to cope whether she liked it or not since the kid was 1 and immensely more challenging.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:15

06Evesgarden

Millicentsparty

@Evesgarden
That boat has sailed.

Not if he makes a good case in court.

Are you the OP?

Neither of you are taking in to consideration how the lad feels about this. It's weird.

No, I'm not the op. If it goes to court, the sons opinion will be considered. What's weird about wanting an extra night or two with your child?

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:18

If it's been disgraceful of him not doing that extra 14%, isn't it good he steps up now?

Not when there is no reason and the child says they are fine as it is

CottageOnTheHill · 07/09/2021 22:18

Should also say I'm in Scotland in case that makes a difference.

Scottish Courts work very differently from English Courts and yes this will make a massive difference. link. The voice of the child is heard in Scottish Courts in my experience and this isn’t limited to children over 12. Children under 12 will also have their voices heard and quite rightly so.

Mia85 · 07/09/2021 22:18

He's looking at increasing two extra nights so he has more quality time. Does that really merit being called a bad father?

No, wanting extra nights doesn't mean he is a bad father. Forcing the child and his mother through court to try to get those extra nights would make him a bad father IMHO. It sounds as if the child is happy, sees both parents for a substantial amount of each week and has a good relationship with them both. The OP hasn't given any child centred reason for wanting to change things, still less for dragging it all through court. It would be madness to do that to a happy and settled child.

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 22:18

@Millicentsparty

06Evesgarden

Millicentsparty

@Evesgarden
That boat has sailed.

Not if he makes a good case in court.

Are you the OP?

Neither of you are taking in to consideration how the lad feels about this. It's weird.

No, I'm not the op. If it goes to court, the sons opinion will be considered. What's weird about wanting an extra night or two with your child?

Because the child doesn't want it.

And they could split the school holidays if he wanted. But again the lad doesn't want it.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:21

His mum is his safe parent and also is the resident parent. Is it no surprise he doesn't want less time with her?

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:24

@Hekatestorch
Who said it was a horrendous step.
No one verbalise it. It was in the,attitude if that would make him a bad father.

If the child is happy going, then the child must enjoy being with the father. If they split, they will be in a routine so why wouldn't they carry on. It's 7 nights instead of 5. It's not like he's going from 0 nights to 7. He's been looking after the child five nights from him being a baby of one.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:25

[quote Millicentsparty]@Hekatestorch
Who said it was a horrendous step.
No one verbalise it. It was in the,attitude if that would make him a bad father.

If the child is happy going, then the child must enjoy being with the father. If they split, they will be in a routine so why wouldn't they carry on. It's 7 nights instead of 5. It's not like he's going from 0 nights to 7. He's been looking after the child five nights from him being a baby of one.[/quote]
The child is happy doing 5 nights.

The child doesn't want to to do more.

Its really not that difficult to grasp.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:26

@CottageOnTheHill
Children under 12 will also have their voices heard and quite rightly so.

Quite right. Hopefully it's the same everywhere.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/09/2021 22:28

@Mia85

He's looking at increasing two extra nights so he has more quality time. Does that really merit being called a bad father?

No, wanting extra nights doesn't mean he is a bad father. Forcing the child and his mother through court to try to get those extra nights would make him a bad father IMHO. It sounds as if the child is happy, sees both parents for a substantial amount of each week and has a good relationship with them both. The OP hasn't given any child centred reason for wanting to change things, still less for dragging it all through court. It would be madness to do that to a happy and settled child.

This exactly.
Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:28

@CheshireChat

Why would the mum agree to have less time with her kid so that the father's partner can babysit? If your DP wants to spend more time with his son, then he needs to be the one parenting.

And even you admit that he might not have coped and he'd manage now that he has you. That boy's mother has had to cope whether she liked it or not since the kid was 1 and immensely more challenging.

Er, I haven't admitted anything. He's not my DP. 🤔
Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:34

@Pebbledashery

His mum is his safe parent and also is the resident parent. Is it no surprise he doesn't want less time with her?
The inference from that is that he doesn't view his father as a safe parent. 🙄 You've no evidence of that. He's been spending nearly 40% of his life with his father. He's happy there. Mind you, anyone who thinks that just because someone disagrees with them, they must be the op or the ops partner doesn't show much reasoning ability, so I shouldn't really be surprised.
CheshireChat · 07/09/2021 22:36

Millicentsparty meant the OP has, not you

Evesgarden · 07/09/2021 22:42

@Millicentsparty it because neither you or the OP give a shit about what the lad actually wants. Its all centred around what the dad wants and his desire to get it through court

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:43

@CheshireChat

👍 Thought you were buying into the conspiracy too, then.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:46

You're unusually invested in this thread.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:46

He is happy there with 5 nights. Not more.

The reason people think you are the op, is because neither of you really care about what the child opinion, just writing it off as manipulation.

And keep going on about how a couple of extra nights, not even (necessarily) with the dp won't be a big deal.

If its not a big deal, don't take them through the court system for a couple of nights, when it's not what the child wants

You can't argue its not a big deal to the child but is a big deal to the parent and that means the parents wishes override the child's.

To be honest, it's really quite awful to iver ride a child of this age, that says they are fine as it is because 'we want to'.

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:47

[quote Evesgarden]@Millicentsparty it because neither you or the OP give a shit about what the lad actually wants. Its all centred around what the dad wants and his desire to get it through court[/quote]
I enjoy sparring over a good argument but honestly, you're not adding anything new or interesting. You're just repeating yourself and being rude with it. You've already had one post deleted. I won't be engaging with you anymore. 🤫

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 22:49

@Pebbledashery

You're unusually invested in this thread.
I could say the same to you. But I've just been responding to people's comments to me. If you don't want me to post, don't imply a question.
Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 22:50

So completely admitting you don't think the child's wishes should be listened to.

That's the issue. This thread is always going to be split into those that think the child should be listened to. And those that thing the fathers or, rather, his girlfriends wishes should be the priority.

Pebbledashery · 07/09/2021 22:53

God. Good luck to your husband. Poor bloke.
Honestly..
You've missed the point total. The kid is happy as he is. He will end up resenting his father if he drags if through the family court.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/09/2021 22:56

when I said it's not what he wants, he's not actually against it. He just shrugs and says it's fine as it is.
What aren't you getting? Confused. "It's fine as it is" means he doesn't want it to change 🤦‍♀️

Millicentsparty · 07/09/2021 23:41

@Hekatestorch
I don't know the child, the op or the child's parents. I'm not invested in any of them so the outcome is not of great concern to me either way. At the end of the day the only important person in the whole scenario is the child. I hope whatever happens is best for him.

But, I don't know and you don't know, whether that child has been manipulated or not. It might be that he'd like to spend more time with his,father but he's scared of hurting his mums feelings. It might be he'd prefer to be with his father but his friends are more local to his mums so it's more convenient. It might be he's happy with the days as they are. Speaking to someone independent might help sort that out. And that would be to the benefit of all and put the matter to bed rather than it bubbling away constantly. It doesn't have to go to court for that to be achieved.

But really the reason why I took my stance is because it's really galling on these threads to see the bias against fathers and step-mothers in favour of mothers. In fact, it's irksome to see the pile on against men in general

This guy has been looking after his son for over a third of the year from the boy being 1yo. He pays and sees the child regularly. The child has a good relationship with him. They clearly love,each other. It doesn't seem to me that he has acted unreasonably. The child was 1 when the relationship ended. There isn't anyone who would say the mother shouldn't have been the main caregiver. But he kept contact and took the child to his parents and then to his flat. He hasn't just played a peripheral role in the child's life and as far as anyone on this thread can tell, he's been a nurturing father.

For then people to call him a bad father because he'd like to have more contact; to insult the op and say the child is just doing his duty visiting them; to make assumptions that it's all about money when the op has been clear its not so therefore making out she's a liar; to say she has an agenda, she's manipulative, brainwashing, pregnant! And all because the op had the temerity to come on the "step-parenting" section of the website to ask a question. And some posters had the audacity to offer support and so some posters turned on them as well, even getting to the point of accusing me of being the op or the ops partner because it is so far beyond their ability to understand that we don't all have to think alike. Talk about the op being controlling!

Many posters disagreed with the op but wrote considered, respectful responses but others... Words have an effect, even words from strangers, so when you go in against posters, you should remember there's a real person with real feelings (um hopefully 😏) reading your comments.