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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Applying to change a court order

187 replies

chippe · 06/09/2021 22:34

Just looking for some advice if anyone has been through similar.

Should also say I'm in Scotland in case that makes a difference.

My DP separated from exW 8 years ago and have a 9 year old DS.

There is a court agreement in place regarding contact and DP has 2 overnights one week, 3 the next (so 5 of 14).

We're really keen to increase to 50/50 if possible but obviously this would need to go through court.

DPs point is that the existing arrangement was made when DS was only 1 (coming up for 2) and things have changed considerably since then.

However his ex says NO as there is an established routine that has been working well for DS and she doesn't see why it should change. She also claims to have asked him and he said he doesn't want any more overnights with his had as he likes it how it is.

Obviously there would a lot of stress and hassle going through the courts so just wondered what you think our chances would be?

OP posts:
User135792468 · 06/09/2021 22:37

What has your Dss said when you asked him if he would like to spend more time with you? Why suddenly now do you want it to change? The main reason men tend to want a change is so they don’t have to pay maintenance. Maybe that’s the cynic in me but it’s what I have seen regularly.

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 22:43

@User135792468 tbh he does say he likes things as they are and doesn't want less time away from his mum. However we believe this has come from her as she has history of being difficult and manipulative and tries to turn him against us.

Im not going to lie and say the lower CMS payments wouldn't be a benefit but the main driver is that DP wants more time with his son now he is older

OP posts:
Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 22:45

You've also got me thinking - we did get a "review letter" from CMS a couple of weeks ago but this is a complete coincidence as we've been gradually floating the idea by DSs for a number of months.

Would the courts look badly on the timing of this?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 06/09/2021 22:48

Does he want more time with him now he's older as it's easier, has less of an impact on your life and is cheaper in terms of childcare than when he was younger? Sorry, but I'm also cynical. It's worked until now. What changed?

AndTime · 06/09/2021 22:53

If DS is happy as things are then they should stay as they are. The child's best interests are what are important here.

ispepsiokay · 06/09/2021 22:54

Maybe he really doesn't want to have to keep moving between houses. Why would you go to court to force him to do something he doesn't want to — he's an actual person, not a plaything.

The CM is a red herring, I'd bet that paying 50/50 for all clothes, uniforms, shoes, clubs, activities etc would cost a lot more than whatever he's paying now. Plus describing not having to pay as a bonus is disgusting and really shows your true intentions.

Fireflygal · 06/09/2021 22:55

Any change must clearly be for the benefit of dss. His views would be taken into account and if he isn't hugely motivated to spend more time with you I think court action will just cause conflict and cost money for no benefit. It could cause your dss to want to see his Dad less.

Ex fought for contact despite the dc asking him not to. He has to live with that. The dcs told cafcass he was forcing extra contact against their will. Seeing it written in black and white highlights that a parent is choosing their will over their child's best interests. He had to back off court but not before he had caused lots of money to be wasted.

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 22:55

@Doyoumind

Does he want more time with him now he's older as it's easier, has less of an impact on your life and is cheaper in terms of childcare than when he was younger? Sorry, but I'm also cynical. It's worked until now. What changed?
He agreed to less time initially as DSS was so young and he felt a baby/toddler needed their mum more than a 9yr old
OP posts:
Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 22:57

@AndTime

If DS is happy as things are then they should stay as they are. The child's best interests are what are important here.
He's happy with things as they are as that's what he knows (and what his mum is telling him he wants). How does he know he wouldn't be happier with more time with his dad until he tries?
OP posts:
Ibizan · 06/09/2021 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 23:00

Also a bit more context - sorry for drip feeding!

When the original agreement was made DP was going between renting a flat and living with a family member. He was also single.

He now has me to help/support (I have a great relationship with dss) and we now own a home so he would be in a happy stable environment

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 06/09/2021 23:00

I'm still not convinced. What's in it for DSS? As PPs have pointed out, the court's decision is based on the child's best interests, not in a change of heart for a parent. As DSS grows up he will have clear ideas about what he wants to do and it won't matter what a court order says, so I would consider whether it is worth it if it is going to cause upset.

Ibizan · 06/09/2021 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 06/09/2021 23:02

He's not bothered to try and change things for 8 years, DS is 9 and not asking for time with his Dad so you would be unwise to take it to court IMHO.

Why doesn't Dad ask for more time with his son without increasing the overnights if he truly wants to spend more time with him?

Bananarama21 · 06/09/2021 23:02

You've got a agenda

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 23:02

@Ibizan his mum has been brainwashing him and trying to turn him against his dad for years! Even more so since I've been involved:

There was a stage where she was so manipulative he didn't want to come at all! He now loves it but if we'd given up then we'd have no relationship with DSs at all

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 06/09/2021 23:03

Now it's clearer. He has you on hand to do the parenting he wasn't ready to take on previously. It's always the same story.

Louloubelle78 · 06/09/2021 23:04

'Slowly floating the idea'.....going on at him, making him feel guilty. Agree with comments above too. Why would his Dad not want 50/50 when he is younger? You can't suddenly decide you want to see more of him. He isn't a pet.

Give it a few years. Then he can decide what he wants. Knowing his parents are going to court about access is going to upset him. Also be REALLY sure you can practically manage 50/50, school runs, sickness, inset days, impact on your life, dentists, doctors etc. I think lots of non resident parents think it's all fun, like EOW until the daily grind hits. If you do go to court the judge will ask how you intend to manage the practicalities of increase to 50/50.

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 23:06

@Doyoumind I do help out a lot but I'm happy to do so.
You're right tho in that DP maybe couldn't have managed on his own in the past

Is this not the type of change in circumstances a court would take into account?

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 06/09/2021 23:08

I completly see where your coming from and understand the reasoning behind not pushing for the increase until he was older. But I think with the circumstances you've described it's unlikely you will get far.

If you think the not wanting to stay more is due to mums influence your describing something called parental alienation. While in theory courts dislike parents doing this it is incredibly incredibly difficult to prove. Even with specialised solicitors those cases are very hard to win.
In essence what will happen is cafcass will ask DSS what he wants and he'll say i want things to stay as they are and that is what cafcass will recommend to the court. If parental alienation is glaringly obvious they may flag it but usually you need the specialised lawyers.

Notapheasantplucker · 06/09/2021 23:08

How do you know his mum is 'brainwashing' him? And has been for years? You know this...? Or are you just assuming..

Ibizan · 06/09/2021 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doyoumind · 06/09/2021 23:11

Put yourself in the mother's shoes. You haven't given much of the background, but she was left as primary carer for a baby while your DP rather conveniently decided it was best she took on the lion's share of responsibility for parenting the child. As a single mum myself, I can tell you it is not an easy life being the resident parent to small children. I'm sure DSS means everything to her. Now her ex has got a woman to help out and he wants to play happy families without actually considering what is best for DSS. Would you not be a little pissed off?

Theunamedcat · 06/09/2021 23:13

He isnt a toy he has his own likes leave him be you risk alienating him altogether if you persist in getting your way at any cost

Original poster
chippe · 06/09/2021 23:14

@Doyoumind I think that's slightly unfair in that the split has been roughly 1/3 vs. 2/3 so it's not like he's been hands off:

He's been more involved than a lot of dads and it was his mum that wanted him to have as little contact as possible while maintaining a relationship

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