To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

Thanks for being the DSM that you are OP. These girls have the love, time and resources of three parents. They are lucky. When I was a child my DM used to get jealous of my DSM as we were poor (my Mum took a bigger cut of the capital from the house sale so she had a roof for us and consequently was paid less maintenance) and my DD and DSM were rich with two full time professional salaries. My DM vetoed holidays with them as she couldn't afford to take us herself. Might there be anything like this at play here?

@HeddaGarbled

The way you won’t let this go is starting to make me think that you’re deliberately shit-stirring now. You’ve managed to find something which makes you look like the good guy to drive a wedge between mum and daughters. Seriously, leave it now. Even if your original idea came from a good place, the way you’re carrying on tips it into trouble-making.

Yeah how fucking awful of op to want to take her step kids on holiday. What a shit stirring bitch she is

@RookieRoo

This is probably why she doesn't feel comfortable and I think it's right to just accept that she doesn't want to trust her children to go on holiday with someone so young and it's very understandable in the case of the 14 year old.

She's 25 not 15. 25 is not "so young" I'm sure you wouldn't like being called "so old" would you?

I mean there's only a few years between me and the OP, so you know. And I feel too young to take someone else's teenagers on holiday.

@RookieRoo

I mean there's only a few years between me and the OP, so you know. And I feel too young to take someone else's teenagers on holiday.

That's you personally. She's known and cared for these children for a long time.

Yes, so she is confident. But maybe the DSC mum is not as confident. And maybe that's due to her age. That's all I'm saying.

I'm not personally saying whether the OP should or shouldn't be allowed to take them, I'm just stating that I can understand the mum's concerns and it's her prerogative in regards to the younger DSD.

@RookieRoo

Yes, so she is confident. But maybe the DSC mum is not as confident. And maybe that's due to her age. That's all I'm saying.

I'm not personally saying whether the OP should or shouldn't be allowed to take them, I'm just stating that I can understand the mum's concerns and it's her prerogative in regards to the younger DSD.

Its not just her prerogative though is it because she has two parents.

To be honest if I was op I'd step right back to be honest and let her bitch and moan that I've stopped doing everything for her children, which is what will inevitably happen, but you can't have it both ways.

Sorry, OP, but your age does shed a bit more light on possible (legitimate, in my view) concerns their mum might have on you taking her two teenage girls abroad.

I'm sure you don't think it's relevant, but it's so interesting to see threads go through these sort of drip feed details and how that changes perceptions.

To be brutally honest, if you're seriously considering flouncing away from the entire relationship with your DSC that you apparently valued so highly purely because their mother has (very politely) said no to one thing you've suggested, I do think that makes you quite immature.

@NoNoThankYou

Sorry, OP, but your age does shed a bit more light on possible (legitimate, in my view) concerns their mum might have on you taking her two teenage girls abroad.

I'm sure you don't think it's relevant, but it's so interesting to see threads go through these sort of drip feed details and how that changes perceptions.

To be brutally honest, if you're seriously considering flouncing away from the entire relationship with your DSC that you apparently valued so highly purely because their mother has (very politely) said no to one thing you've suggested, I do think that makes you quite immature.

It's not just one thing though it it, it's what it represents. I don't think it matters what age you are, it's entirely natural to feel a bit fucked off that you're alright doing things that are convenient for the parents but when you want to do something purely for your and the kids enjoyment, of no benefit to the parents you're not allowed and too young.

@blaisealex I’ve just been on another thread where someone has posted that their 17 year old who has traveled abroad has tested positive to Covid soon after arriving. They tested negative before leaving. Now the 17 year old is stuck there.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/4330973-Help-dd-on-holiday-tested-positive

What would be your plan on dealing with that if it were to happen to you or the two teenagers? Do you have travel insurance to cover yourself and them too, in case of any need for medical care?

Have you enough money put aside for if you or the teenagers suddenly test positive and have to quarantine in a hotel?

Clearly both their mum and dad had to way up all the risks when they made their decision.

Try not to take it personally and get all upset that one or both have said no or have asked you to drop it. Be mature and accept their decision gracefully.

There would be plenty of options for a girls weekend away in your country. If I was you I’d just be ok with it and respect that it really is up to their parents. And if your heart is set on a girls weekend away together there is no reason at all why that can’t happen closer to home.

Forget that link I posted earlier. Mumsnet deleted it at Op’s request because of her privacy concerns.

Getyourarse Yes, it's just one thing.

According to the OP she does lots of fun things with the DSC without a murmur from the parents. So it is just one thing. And one thing that the mother has very politely said no to, being very clear that it's nothing against the OP. And one thing that the children's father, her own partner, has asked her to drop.

I honestly don't know how her DSC's mother could have been nicer about it or said 'no' in a way the OP would accept without a flounce. The children's parents' judgement differs from hers, and instead of taking it graciously and accepting that life is full of little disappointments and differences of opinion, she's basically said, "FINE THEN, if you won't let me do exactly what I want with your children I'm never going to do anything nice for them ever again, SO THERE". Which, as I said, strikes me as quite immature (not to mention cutting off her nose to spite her face if she really does consider herself to have a close, valued relationship with said children).

@NoNoThankYou

Getyourarse Yes, it's just one thing.

According to the OP she does lots of fun things with the DSC without a murmur from the parents. So it is just one thing. And one thing that the mother has very politely said no to, being very clear that it's nothing against the OP. And one thing that the children's father, her own partner, has asked her to drop.

I honestly don't know how her DSC's mother could have been nicer about it or said 'no' in a way the OP would accept without a flounce. The children's parents' judgement differs from hers, and instead of taking it graciously and accepting that life is full of little disappointments and differences of opinion, she's basically said, "FINE THEN, if you won't let me do exactly what I want with your children I'm never going to do anything nice for them ever again, SO THERE". Which, as I said, strikes me as quite immature (not to mention cutting off her nose to spite her face if she really does consider herself to have a close, valued relationship with said children).

You don't get it, do you? Of course you don't.

What do you mean "of course you don't"? You have absolutely no idea whether I have children or step children, whether my partner or ex partner does or whether I'm a step-father or step-mother, come to that.

How could the mother have declined without the OP reacting badly, then?

@NoNoThankYou

What do you mean "of course you don't"? You have absolutely no idea whether I have children or step children, whether my partner or ex partner does or whether I'm a step-father or step-mother, come to that.

How could the mother have declined without the OP reacting badly, then?

Because you're only seeing it from one very small pov. She could have actually given her a a reason, instead of just saying "I'm uncomfortable" which is a bit of a cop out. If she felt she needed to add "it wasn't personal to op" then I don't think it was polite as there was obviously some insinuation it was. And if it's an age thing then of course it's personal to op. And also it's massively hypocritical isn't it.

@NoNoThankYou

Getyourarse Yes, it's just one thing.

According to the OP she does lots of fun things with the DSC without a murmur from the parents. So it is just one thing. And one thing that the mother has very politely said no to, being very clear that it's nothing against the OP. And one thing that the children's father, her own partner, has asked her to drop.

I honestly don't know how her DSC's mother could have been nicer about it or said 'no' in a way the OP would accept without a flounce. The children's parents' judgement differs from hers, and instead of taking it graciously and accepting that life is full of little disappointments and differences of opinion, she's basically said, "FINE THEN, if you won't let me do exactly what I want with your children I'm never going to do anything nice for them ever again, SO THERE". Which, as I said, strikes me as quite immature (not to mention cutting off her nose to spite her face if she really does consider herself to have a close, valued relationship with said children).

This exactly. I think the other poster hasn't got a clue.

As a parent, being uncomfortable is the only excuse you need to give.

If OPs husband leaves her for someone who is 19 when her son is 8 then the new woman wants to take the son away without the dad, abroad when she is 25, and she doesn't want her to, that's absolutely her decision if the dad is also in agreeable, especially.

Is agreeing*

I really have got a clue, I can imagine exactly how op feels because I have been in a similar situation with a hypocrital mother.

@RookieRoo

As a parent, being uncomfortable is the only excuse you need to give.

If OPs husband leaves her for someone who is 19 when her son is 8 then the new woman wants to take the son away without the dad, abroad when she is 25, and she doesn't want her to, that's absolutely her decision if the dad is also in agreeable, especially.

Dad isn't agreeable though is it. And an 18 year old is an adult.

She can be as uncomfortable as she likes but in the end her children won't thank her for it. I've experienced that too.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I really have got a clue, I can imagine exactly how op feels because I have been in a similar situation with a hypocrital mother.

Not hypocritical. Happy for her to spend days with them. Doesn't want her taking them to a foreign country. Completely acceptable.

The mother isn't begging OP to look after them (as far as we know) that's all OP. So where is the hypocrisy please?

And sorry, do we know that HE left her? No we don't. Not a sodding clue.

An 18 year old is an adult, well done, which is why all my posts are specifically about the 14 year old?

Also maybe it isn't personal. Maybe she just doesn't want her 14 year old abroad no matter who wants to take her. That's ok too.

It is hypocritical though isn't it, happy for things that suit her that she doesn't want to do but unhappy when it only benefits her child. Sad really. Even sadder one us an adult and she's stopping them.