To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

Maybe the mum just wants the girls' first trip abroad to be with her? Hard on you, because your intentions seem good, but if you and your DH have a nicer, wealthier lifestyle that can run to trips like that and she doesn't, it must be hard for her.

@Oceanbliss - well you never know, but unless hospitalisations and deaths due to Covid go up significantly then travel in Europe will be on the cards. Lots of people are on holiday now - you need proof of vaccination to travel and negative PCR tests to return to the UK.

@Loudestcat14

Maybe the mum just wants the girls' first trip abroad to be with her? Hard on you, because your intentions seem good, but if you and your DH have a nicer, wealthier lifestyle that can run to trips like that and she doesn't, it must be hard for her.

If that's the case it shows how selfish the mother is.

The girls would have a lovely time but she's too bitter to allow it. The time will come when they will see her for what she is and then she'll regret her selfishness.

She’s their mum and doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s not shitty at all and I’d probably feel the same as her. Accept her feelings about her own children and what’s right for them. You can always plan something by else nice for them (in this country).

@LittleFroggie

She’s their mum and doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s not shitty at all and I’d probably feel the same as her. Accept her feelings about her own children and what’s right for them. You can always plan something by else nice for them (in this country).

It is shitty. She's preventing her children having a nice experience because of how she feels. As a parent surely you put your children first?

@Getyourarseofffthequattro as a parent, I make decisions all the time about what is in their best interest and what I feel comfortable with. Sometimes nice experiences aren’t right for us. I haven’t taken mine abroad this summer because I don’t feel comfortable with the risk right now, for example, despite knowing it may be a experience. It’s my prerogative and responsibility as their parent to make decisions for them right now as I want to keep them safe and happy. I won’t be allowing anyone other than their parents to take them abroad either - perhaps with the exception of a big, well organised and well staffed school trip. Absolutely not other relatives/ step parents without a parent as I wouldn’t feel comfortable. This isn’t about the OP, she can organise lovely experiences over here.

[quote LittleFroggie]@Getyourarseofffthequattro as a parent, I make decisions all the time about what is in their best interest and what I feel comfortable with. Sometimes nice experiences aren’t right for us. I haven’t taken mine abroad this summer because I don’t feel comfortable with the risk right now, for example, despite knowing it may be a experience. It’s my prerogative and responsibility as their parent to make decisions for them right now as I want to keep them safe and happy. I won’t be allowing anyone other than their parents to take them abroad either - perhaps with the exception of a big, well organised and well staffed school trip. Absolutely not other relatives/ step parents without a parent as I wouldn’t feel comfortable. This isn’t about the OP, she can organise lovely experiences over here.[/quote]
That's really not comparable at all.

It is about the OP, thought isn't it. You're basically saying it's me or school or nobody without any regard to as to how that might negatively affect your child or how it might make them feel. You're providing them with a very obvious negative view of a step parent and if you think that is is any way beneficial to them you either have a very warped perspective of a healthy relationship, or you're kidding yourself.

You also seem to have ignored that they have another parent, and that you cannot (or shouldn't) unilaterally make a decision based on your feelings alone, disregarding the other parents opinion and what the child wants.

The best things at SP threads is the number of people who don't even read the OP or comments (you can filter out OPs comments) and just post their own narrative purely to make out the SM is - of course- in the wrong!

She wants to take 2 DSDs.

There are 2 DSSs and another DS.

The dad of the boys will take the, for a holiday whilst she takes the girls.

She will take the boys abroad when they are older or even the DH will take them for a lads holiday.

They aren't treating the kids differently and OP is married to the girls dad.

Also, I really wouldn’t care if someone thought I was being shitty - parenting my children is the one area I feel absolutely no guilt in making my feelings clear. My responsibility and thoughts are centred on them and them alone. I’ve had plenty of family members ask to do things with DC that I don’t want them to for various reasons, usually very well meaning but not right for them. If their mum says she’s uncomfortable with it for her daughters right now then you should respect that.

@LittleFroggie

Also, I really wouldn’t care if someone thought I was being shitty - parenting my children is the one area I feel absolutely no guilt in making my feelings clear. My responsibility and thoughts are centred on them and them alone. I’ve had plenty of family members ask to do things with DC that I don’t want them to for various reasons, usually very well meaning but not right for them. If their mum says she’s uncomfortable with it for her daughters right now then you should respect that.

Good for you, let's hope you're okay with it if your children end up realising how many things you prevented them doing when they're adults, because they're not stupid you know.

I won’t be allowing anyone other than their parents to take them abroad either - perhaps with the exception of a big, well organised and well staffed school trip. Absolutely not other relatives/ step parents without a parent as I wouldn’t feel comfortable. This isn’t about the OP, she can organise lovely experiences over here

The eldest is 18. The mother cannot allow, or prevent her going, she is an adult and does not need permission.

The mother should be treating her as an adult and discussing the reasons she thinks it would be a bad idea. Not even telling her she has this opportunity is wrong. It is the 18 year olds decision.

I have a 16 year old and would never blanket no anything. He is old enough to be part of the decision. He can make his own decision on whether to continue on at school, visit friends, medical care. I provide guidance, but he’s not a toddler.

@Bananarama21

AnneLovesGilbert nothing she's lovely she doesn't have parental responsibility however, ds goes away with sm and his df who has parental responsibility and can consent if needed if there was an emergencies.

@Bananarama21

With respect this is a false argument. Consent is not needed in medical emergencies - because by definition it is AN EMERGENCY.

What do you think happens in school trips?

@Reallyreallyborednow I agree with you - but it’s the OP not wanting to take her without the younger one.

[quote LittleFroggie]@Reallyreallyborednow I agree with you - but it’s the OP not wanting to take her without the younger one.[/quote]
It's not op wanted to take them both, but has now asked if she can just take the eldest. I see why she would want to take both, though because the younger one will be understandably hurt.

How long had your husband and his ex wife split up before he met you? Does she have another partner now?

How long had your husband and his ex wife split up before he met you? Does she have another partner now?

What’s that got to do with anything?

Over and over on threads on this board I see both step mums and mums saying how they don’t need to be friends, don’t even need to speak to each other, all communication goes through the husband “as it should,” etc. Basically making a point to not interact at all. Well, I guess this is the downside. A lot of the time mums and step mums have made a choice to remain near invisible to each other. And now one party is not allowing their kids to go abroad with the other party, whom they barely know. The mum has even said this is why, and not due to anything particular or negative to the stepmom.

I probably wouldn’t allow my teenage kid to go abroad with somebody I didn’t know well. Especially if just one mature adult was going to be on the trip, and I didn’t know that adult well. (Maybe this is because I have been abroad many times, and seen some sketchy things.)

Maybe she wanted to experience their first trip abroad with them but couldn't afford to take them?
It still doesn't make it fair on you or your DSDs though.

I've tried to imagine myself in the same situation as the DM (I have two teens) and it would be a no from me too.

It doesn't matter how close you are to your DSDs OP, if I hardly knew you I could not let my DDs go on holiday alone with you.

It would just seem a ridiculous suggestion to me. Sorry.

@Reallyreallyborednow

You could possibly have difficulty at any border you tried to cross with a 14 year old who is not any blood relation

As long as you have a loco parentis form it’s no problem. How do you think school trips and sports trips work? We used to regularly take my cousin abroad with us without a problem.

School trips are different entirely.

For a start, schools have a contingency, a spare adult in any country where one child is stopped at the border and refused entry - and yes it happens, and it also happens returning to the uK

@Ticksallboxes

I've tried to imagine myself in the same situation as the DM (I have two teens) and it would be a no from me too.

It doesn't matter how close you are to your DSDs OP, if I hardly knew you I could not let my DDs go on holiday alone with you.

It would just seem a ridiculous suggestion to me. Sorry.

Why is it a ridiculous suggestion?

It's really to do with what a PP said: that most DMs and DSMs unfortunately choose to have very little to do with each other. I realise this is typically because the split was acrimonious and the DF probably paints and bad picture of the DM and the DM in turn resents him etc.

But it does mean that someone who is a virtual stranger is asking to take another person's DCs abroad. It must seem hurtful to you if you get on so well with them, but I can perfectly see her point of view.

Also there's the whole unspoken fear that she can't voice - that there's a chance they end up liking you more.

@Potpourri23

It sounds like she's simply jealous that you have a good connection with them and make the effort to do fun things 🤷‍♀️

That's pretty much it I reckon.

@LittleFroggie

Also, I really wouldn’t care if someone thought I was being shitty - parenting my children is the one area I feel absolutely no guilt in making my feelings clear. My responsibility and thoughts are centred on them and them alone. I’ve had plenty of family members ask to do things with DC that I don’t want them to for various reasons, usually very well meaning but not right for them. If their mum says she’s uncomfortable with it for her daughters right now then you should respect that.

Mothers are not Gods and shouldn't be the sole and only members of the arbitration panel when it comes to making decisions. Especially so as children move into their teens.