To be annoyed about this? DSDs and Holiday.

[blaisealex]

I have a really close relationship with my DSDs.

I wanted to take them abroad for 3 nights in May half Term next year. They've never been abroad before but I know they want to go. It would just be me and DSDs. They'll be 18 and 14 when I planned to go. I was going to pay for it myself, out of my own pocket.

I didn't mention my plan incase their DM said no and she did. But I'm a little bit annoyed actually. I thought it would be fun and a great experience for them.

I have been in their life for 6 years. I spend money on them, I dedicate my time to them. Eldest DSD has been insured to learn to drive using my car. I have helped her apply for jobs, etc. But because I'm not their actual parent their DM doesn't feel comfortable with them going away for three nights with me. Though thats nothing against me, she said.

I do kind of understand it from her perspective but from mine, I dedicate so much time, money and energy toward my DSC. I love them. We have a great relationship. I take them out alone. I have looked after them alone. But yeah, whatever.

@Bananarama21

Well it's not shitty of her is it. She's the mother you need to respect her wishes. I wouldn't allow my sons sm to take him away abroad on his own either I'd find it odd.

Why would you find it odd?!

Loads of SCs have close relationships with their SMs, especially girls.

I think it's a shame this mum is denying her girls their first trip abroad just purely because she wants to assert her authority. I bet she has no issue with OP caring for them in her home.

@theleafandnotthetree who said mothers are gods? as a mother, I advocate what I think is right for my children. If the other parent was going be on the trip, I’d be fine. Since he isn’t, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with them going abroad with a SM. Nothing to do with being a god, what an odd statement. I’m not sole on the panel of decision making for their welfare - their father also has his say. However, we don’t override each other if one feels uncomfortable with something.

@TryingToBeLogical

Over and over on threads on this board I see both step mums and mums saying how they don’t need to be friends, don’t even need to speak to each other, all communication goes through the husband “as it should,” etc. Basically making a point to not interact at all. Well, I guess this is the downside. A lot of the time mums and step mums have made a choice to remain near invisible to each other. And now one party is not allowing their kids to go abroad with the other party, whom they barely know. The mum has even said this is why, and not due to anything particular or negative to the stepmom.

I probably wouldn’t allow my teenage kid to go abroad with somebody I didn’t know well. Especially if just one mature adult was going to be on the trip, and I didn’t know that adult well. (Maybe this is because I have been abroad many times, and seen some sketchy things.)

But surely this is mostly the nature of the step-parent relationship? They have a close relationship with one parent but not the other. I will chat to my SC's mum if I see her, but we are not friends and don't spend time together...why would we?

I probably wouldn’t allow my teenage kid to go abroad with somebody I didn’t know well. Especially if just one mature adult was going to be on the trip, and I didn’t know that adult well.

Even if the trip is specifically for that adult to spend with your teenager, and she is married to their dad and has been in their lives for 6 years?

I'd get it more if it was a holiday with a friend's family so you didn't know how much time would be spent all together and how much would be the teens fending for themselves on a girls holiday, but this is literally a step-parent specifically taking them away to spend the time together.

I honestly can't see any reason in OP's situation to object apart from just not wanting the SM to spend that time bonding and having fun with the girls, giving them a new experience they haven't yet had with her.

@theleafandnotthetree Mothers are not Gods and shouldn't be the sole and only members of the arbitration panel when it comes to making decisions. Especially so as children move into their teens.

Fathers aren’t gods either. That’s why there needs to be agreement between both parents on this. And there isn’t. If one parent is uncomfortable with this regardless of which one it is then that means the child doesn’t get to go overseas without a parent. Ok. This is one of those big things that involves both parents. That should be respected.

For all the pp who are step parents: There are a lot of great step parents out there. But part of loving and caring for your step children is to respect both of their parents. They love their mum and dad and if they pick up on your contempt for one of their parents, then I can guarantee that it will affect them negatively. They might not show you or tell you how they feel about you disrespecting or disliking or hating one of their parents. So if you really care about your sc then find a way to not treat or view their other parent as an enemy.

@blaisealex Thinking your sc mum is being selfish to deny her children this trip overseas with you is not going to help facilitate a mutually respectful relationship with the mum. And for the kids sake I think it’s important not to let any resentments or bad feelings develop. You sound like a great step mum and have known these kids a long time. Hopefully you and the mum can get to know each other and become friends.

@LittleFroggie You sound like a great mum and very level headed. Also agree with your statement that both you and your dc’s father having an equal say but not overriding each other if either one of you is uncomfortable with something.

Yeah, sorry, but I do think it's selfish. She also hasn't responded to DHs message about just taking the 18 year old away.

I'm also a little bit miffed that neither DH nor their DM even said thanks, tbh. Just a simple, "thank you anyway, that was a lovely idea." Or whatever, from either of them would have been nice. 🤷‍♀️

Kind of just feel like not bothering anymore. Leave them both to it to parent their kids and ill have minimal input and just focus my time and energy on my own child. But that just feels awful and not nice for any of us. But tbh, I do feel a bit like that. Taken for granted, iyswim. Not just by her but by DH too. He doesn't seem to appreciate how much I care for him children and how much I do for them. He just sort of expects it anyway.

@blaisealex

Kind of just feel like not bothering anymore. Leave them both to it to parent their kids and ill have minimal input and just focus my time and energy on my own child. But that just feels awful and not nice for any of us. But tbh, I do feel a bit like that. Taken for granted, iyswim. Not just by her but by DH too. He doesn't seem to appreciate how much I care for him children and how much I do for them. He just sort of expects it anyway.

I would do this OP.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and your DH should appreciate this. I wouldn't expect any thanks from their mum as it's not really anything to do with her, but your DH for sure should be appreciative of what you do and this kind offer you made to take the girls away.

Alternatively if you did want to still be nice - would he not come with you on the trip so then the girls would definitely be able to go?

The way you won’t let this go is starting to make me think that you’re deliberately shit-stirring now. You’ve managed to find something which makes you look like the good guy to drive a wedge between mum and daughters. Seriously, leave it now. Even if your original idea came from a good place, the way you’re carrying on tips it into trouble-making.

@blaisealex

And I still suspect she might try and say no to the 18 year old coming too.

She can't

@Oceanbliss thank you I agree with your points too about the need to respect both parents. These situations are never simple and finding a way to respect how both parents feel is key to making things work best for the kids.

OP, I have no idea why you’re expecting the mum to thank you. You’ve been saying you want to do this for the girls, not for her - she clearly doesn’t want it to happen. She has no reason to thank you at all. Why not try to accept her feelings on this?

As for your DH, we’ll perhaps he should be more grateful to you - that sounds like a problem with him.

@Ticksallboxes

I've tried to imagine myself in the same situation as the DM (I have two teens) and it would be a no from me too.

It doesn't matter how close you are to your DSDs OP, if I hardly knew you I could not let my DDs go on holiday alone with you.

It would just seem a ridiculous suggestion to me. Sorry.

But their other parent - their dad - is married to the OP.

Would you be the same if a friend you knew well asked? Would you let them go because you knew them even if their father didn't?

Hi OP, just curious how old you are. One of your quote replies looks like someone was saying we don't know how old you are but you didn't reply? You say you have a 3yo and have been in the DSC lives for 6 years.

Have you been with their dad 6 years or known them another way?

With a DC of 3, you could be early 20s (assuming no untoward behaviour) which would be more understandable for the DM to not be sure about rather than if you were 30s or 40s.

No judgement etc. Just curious as to this factor @blaisealex

I have just seen you're mid-20s in another post. So maybe this has something to do with her concerns? You're closer in age to the 18 year old than her dad, presumably, and may be cautious of her 14year old

I'm not shit stirring. I've already said numerous times I won't even mention it to the girls because I deliberately don't want to drive a wedge between them or cause any issues. But whatever. I'm dropping it now and I'm stepping back. Their Dad or their Mum can take them abroad and arrange nice things for them. I won't get involved from now on.

@RookieRoo

I have just seen you're mid-20s in another post. So maybe this has something to do with her concerns? You're closer in age to the 18 year old than her dad, presumably, and may be cautious of her 14year old

Ah.

I didn't realise you were super young OP, maybe that is part of it and mum thinks it might be more of a girls' weekend away?

I've been with their Dad for seven years and I've know them for six years. I'm 25.

This is probably why she doesn't feel comfortable and I think it's right to just accept that she doesn't want to trust her children to go on holiday with someone so young and it's very understandable in the case of the 14 year old.

@blaisealex

I've been with their Dad for seven years and I've know them for six years. I'm 25.

Tbh OP, I would be reluctant to say yes to this trip to, given their ages and yours.

Not because you are not responsible at all, but I'd be concerned they might play up or flounce off or it might not be possible for you to keep control of them as someone who's more of a contemporary than a parental figure.

Why was your DP not going on the trip too?

Another thing that is unknown here is how many times the OP has been abroad before. In addition to wanting to know the adult well, I would also want to know that anyone taking my kids out of he country was an experienced traveler. Preferably with experience in the destination and some relevant language skills. That comment is just coming from my own personal
experience. Your first time in a new place, things don’t always go smoothly. And you want things to go smoothly with minor children and/or teenagers in tow, if you’re the sole legally responsible adult.

DH doesn't want to go abroad. That's why he isn't coming. And if he did come that would mean DS 3 would have to come too. Dynamics change completely then. Would then also need to invite two DSSs too. Then it just becomes a family holiday. Rather than a 3 night girls break. And I can't afford to pay for everyone either. Perhaps my age is a problem for DM but in reality, it isn't actually an issue. But I understand why that might be a concern for her.

Yer damed if you do damned if you dont. Just go away with ur own child... you done ur best. Xx

OP, you had a generous thought. For whatever reasons the M said no, so there you are.

Bigger issue is how you are feeling taken for granted by your DH. I would say that of course you accept the M’s POV about the holiday, no big deal, but it does grate that in the other hand he expects you to just pick up childcare tasks for both his and your children.

That is the issue that will have the biggest impact, ongoing.

No need to withdraw, get huffy etc. Enjoy the time you have with the older girls when they are with you, don’t let this affect your relationship with them.