Page 9 | Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

toobusytothink · 2021-08-20T14:07:15+00:00

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

Babyroobs · 20/08/2021 17:58

If he lives at yours nine nights out of fourteen, you pretty much do live together.

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 17:58

@toobusytothink

He’s just messaged saying he wants to talk and closed off with a kiss x ………. I knew this would happen

Wow, I thought he'd wait a day or 2. Stay strong. Tell him the only things you need to talk about are what he needs to collect. You can have his things ready if he calls. Have someone with you so you are not tempted to give into his bullshit. Like I said, his kids aren't going anywhere so this relationship cannot get better. You don't want young kids in your life, regardless of their behaviour. Keep that at the forefront of your mind.

Livelovebehappy · 20/08/2021 18:00

You would have been horrible had you continued with the relationship when you dislike his DCs so much. It would have damaged them emotionally, and would have been detrimental to his relationship with them. Lots of women do stay in the relationship and just try to push the DCs out. A lesson learnt - try to date men with no baggage.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 18:00

Posters would be telling the OP she was right to end a relationship with him, that he was clearly an arsehole and that she was well rid.

Yes, THE SAME people that are currently calling OP an arsehole, would be calling a man that. Others would not. This is not a double standard.

Unsure33 · 20/08/2021 18:01

@Livelovebehappy

the OP has children - does that make them baggage as well ?!

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:01

I know what he will do - he will come over and say sorry and will tell me it’s really difficult and he knows x is hard work and that he needs help and doesn’t know what to do. I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round. He really hasn’t been lining me up to be a nanny. He does do most of the care but he wants us all to be together.

OP posts:

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 18:04

@toobusytothink

I know what he will do - he will come over and say sorry and will tell me it’s really difficult and he knows x is hard work and that he needs help and doesn’t know what to do. I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round. He really hasn’t been lining me up to be a nanny. He does do most of the care but he wants us all to be together.

Why are you talking as if you have no choice in this?

If you think the right decision is to end the relationship then end it. Tell him you don’t want him to come around and if he does come around don’t answer the door.

Are you hoping he will talk you around?

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 18:05

Listen up men Dont date a woman with baggage ie kids. Advice from MN. You couldn't make it up.

Tealwarrior · 20/08/2021 18:09

[quote toobusytothink]@Muchmorethan yes kind of. My 2 are too polite to say no. He insists my two were having a great time with his but I know otherwise[/quote]
Could your children been having a good time with the little ones but felt they had to tell you otherwise?

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 18:10

@toobusytothink

I know what he will do - he will come over and say sorry and will tell me it’s really difficult and he knows x is hard work and that he needs help and doesn’t know what to do. I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round. He really hasn’t been lining me up to be a nanny. He does do most of the care but he wants us all to be together.

Well as you know what he's likely to say, you can have your response ready - he was right to end things as you are not going to wake up tomorrow with a sudden urge to want to be a step mum to his kids. The holiday has just opened your eyes to the fact that you are well and truly past that stage of your life and it's unfair on you all for you to continue to be in a relationship with him. You cannot all be together.

rothbury · 20/08/2021 18:10

YANBU

A good friend of mine just ended a relationship because she just cannot abide her DPs 3 year old. It's best all round to finish it.

I am not keen on anyone elses kids to be honest.

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/08/2021 18:11

I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round.

So please don't let him have that conversation. You adored the person you knew under the old arrangements, but now you've seen a different perspective. What happened on your holiday week will become 24/7. And fwiw, I think this is something you need to do for your own DCs. He's decided that they can be big bro/sis and that they'll love having his DC tagging along to everything they do. They shouldn't be put in that position.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 18:12

@Viviennemary

Listen up men Dont date a woman with baggage ie kids. Advice from MN. You couldn't make it up.

Don't date a woman with baggage ie kids if it makes you unhappy and they aren't handling it in a reasonable way. Such shocking advice for us to give.

Seawo · 20/08/2021 18:12

TBH op it was just sounding like a sad but inevitable ending of a relationship where the two people are at different life stages and don’t want to compromise. Which is absolutely fine.

But it’s a bit alarming how you are talking about not being able to stop him ‘talking you round’? Do you have some trauma from a past relationship you haven’t dealt with or have problems with boundaries?

It didn’t sound like that in your earlier posts but if you know you can’t make this work because if the age of his dc then why on Earth would you be persuaded to try anyway?

Unsure33 · 20/08/2021 18:13

@toobusytothink

only you really know your partner so ignore some posters on here who think they know him better than you do .

in a way you are already a family you live together most of the time - would he go to any type of family therapy if you did decide to carry on ? Or could you not have family holidays with both sets of children together ? what have you done before ?

you also have to think has this been bothering you for a while , and in your heart of hearts do you want a different life without young children in it - or was it just this particular holiday that was a trigger?

I am not sure you can change his parenting skills tbh because he might find it hard to change now and he may be led by guilt but if he was stricter would that help ?

I think there is a lot to think about for all of you . He needs to calm down and look at it from your point of view as well . But don't let him talk you round if its not really what you want.

HunkyPunk · 20/08/2021 18:14

it’s not personal. It really is small kids in general. It’s just not enjoyable for me unfortunately

What about the potential joys of becoming a grandparent in the next decade or so, op, given you have teen dcs?

Treezan82 · 20/08/2021 18:15

You seem to really be beating yourself up but all I can see is you and your ex are both really good people who have done the right thing. There are people in the world who would have stayed in the relationship and tried to drive a wedge between Parent and child. Fwiw I have a 5 and 3 year old and no way in hell would I go back to this age once they are teenagers. I'm just sorry it happened as you are clearly hurting. It'll get easier x

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:16

@Seawo no past trauma. Just in a very unloving marriage for a very long time and he is the first person who I felt really loved me and who I love more than anything. I sound desperate …

OP posts:

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 18:16

I have kids. They are baggage. Thats not a negative thing in itself. Baggage is anything that will impact the new relationship. Insecurity, housing, health etx could all be classed as baggage.

I won't date men with younger kids, because I am not interested in revolving my life around someone else's kids or young kids. Also why I am not having more.

Dp was fully aware I had kids. If he hadn't wanted to date me because of my kids, that was fine. Not really sure why that's controversial.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/08/2021 18:16

@toobusytothink

I know what he will do - he will come over and say sorry and will tell me it’s really difficult and he knows x is hard work and that he needs help and doesn’t know what to do. I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round. He really hasn’t been lining me up to be a nanny. He does do most of the care but he wants us all to be together.

Then you need to keep in mind your own DC and what is in their best interests. You and your DCs needs should come first and it sounds like it would be very unfair to them if you became a blended family. Just keep thinking of That Disney trip.

Unsure33 · 20/08/2021 18:17

@Feedingthebirds1

why will it be 24/7 - he does not have his children all the time ?

he could have holidays with his children on his own if he wants and so can the OP

They don't have to have big family holidays if it does not work .

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:17

@HunkyPunk but they are your own flesh and blood. I feel (hope) I will feel differently if and when my kids have their own children

OP posts:

clemensiadove · 20/08/2021 18:19

You certainly aren't horrible. I've just been away with my own 4 and 7 year old and it's put me off all future holidays with them! I only ever want to go away alone or with DH from now on! Joke obviously but really, I wouldn't want to do these ages again and, with someone else's children? Definitely not.

Tealwarrior · 20/08/2021 18:19

But I think the problem is that you phrased it as 'didn't like' the children rather than 'didn't like' the restrictions and responsibilities involved

Spot on. Even the title of the thread is misleading.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:20

@Unsure33 thank you for being so balanced and understanding. I don’t know if I am half hoping for this. I have a feeling he would do almost anything to make it work. I never said I dislike his kids but I thought letting him infer that I did and not correcting him would be the only thing to make him want out. But I don’t think he will because inside he knows I’m not nasty and don’t hate them - I just don’t want to go back to doing all that stuff. But I still know I should end it in my heart of hearts

OP posts: