Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

[toobusytothink]

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

Now that he is showing his true colours you need to stay strong and not back down if he does suddenly start apologising in a day or 2 when he calms down. His plan hasn't worked. He doesn't have someone to help look after his kids in the future now, so he's being a dick. Your kids don't want them around, you don't want them around so let that be the end of the relationship. Don't imagine you can go back to the way thinks were, seeing him 9 days out of 14. His kids aren't going away and he's unlikely to want to continue in this way for another 13 years until his youngest is an adult. And why would anyone want to wait that long before moving in together? He's not right for you because of his circumstances, because you are rightly not willing or able to commit to having small kids in your life. I would run a million miles if it were me.

You tried, it hasn't worked, it's nobody's fault and it's best you make a clean break now. Stop texting him, stop reading his nasty messages. Do not allow him to collect his belongings when you're not there - have a friend with you when he calls for them. And most importantly, change the bloody locks even if he leaves his key - a clean break!

It all just really blew up on final night because we were going to leave the restaurant and his youngest kicked off crying for an ice cream. He caved in and told me to head back to the villa with my 2 if I wanted: so I did. His oldest was eating ice cream and playing on his iPad and his youngest was on his lap screaming and being spoon fed ice cream so I thought it was best if we did just go. My poor 2 were just sitting there thinking what the …..

@frazzledasarock well without pointing out the obvious, shes not likely to admit that is she?

but for other half and her daughter to notice.

[quote toobusytothink]@Bookaholic73 I want him - but not his kids. See - I’m horrible[/quote]
If your horrible then I would be too. I actually wouldnt get with a fella with younger kids. I've done my child rearing stint and I'm not prepared to do any more and definitely not with someone else's kids.
You've done the right thing, it's a long assed time til they grow up.

To be honest you have probably done the best thing for all of you. He may be able to spend more time with his kids now. Part of your retracting would have been down to how he is with his kids.

@kirinm

God, the amount of bollocks some people on this step-parenting thread read into situations. Suddenly the ex is Mr Bad Guy when actually, he's just upset his girlfriend hates his kids. She hasn't bothered explaining that actually it isn't specifically HIS kids.

He has got defensive because they are HIS kids who he loves and he likely feels rejection either on their part or his own. That isn't abnormal. It seems step parents find that abnormal.

Why is every person on here insistent that dads are always trying to palm kids off on step mums. It happens on every single thread. Even this one where the OP actually said he was playing with his kids.

Or maybe just people think differently to you? Someone who hurls abuse at someone for admitting they find their obviously difficult children difficult IS Mr Bad Guy. Excessive, abusive defensiveness is not acceptable because you are a parent. In my opinion, a lot of people are absolutely delusional about how other people are likely to feel around their kids, and will constantly defend their right to take it out on everybody else.

He’s just messaged saying he wants to talk and closed off with a kiss x ………. I knew this would happen

@toobusytothink

He’s just messaged saying he wants to talk and closed off with a kiss x ………. I knew this would happen

If I were you I’d just say there’s nothing to talk about. You can’t/don’t want to go back to being around young children and also he has been texting abusive messages to you this afternoon.

I can’t imagine how you would resolve this in a way that will actually work.

That’s sounding more and more like it’s creating huger problems down the line, if they’re like this now and he’s blind to it, it’s going to be hellish for the teen years

He’s not hearing you, you’ve told him that you don’t want to go back to this stage in parenting, and he himself isn’t thinking straight because of the sweets one minute, impossible food issues the next and failing to grasp that his kids were hampering your kids

He has projected all this onto you, decided you hate them as kids, rather than the truth which is you’re not able to go through it all again

I don’t blame you. I’ve been out with people whose kids were painful and younger and you just know that it’s going to got wrong at some point because of the inequality between your kid and theirs

As painful as all this is, it’s GOOD that you’ve found your boundaries

You’re still young too, there are others out there who are better for you.

@toobusytothink

He’s just messaged saying he wants to talk and closed off with a kiss x ………. I knew this would happen

Reply with a laughing emoji and block him!

You deserve so much better. The more you say the more I am glad you are rid of him.

My kids are 3 and 5 and far from angels but they wouldn't act the way you describe his youngest because if they did they would be told and shown that it was unacceptable. I wouldn't want to go out to supper with him or his kids either.
Your older kids sound like saints to have not totally lost it with the younger 2!

@PasstheBucket89 her DD probably found the younger kids hard work too. She was reassuring her mother they wouldn’t be so hard to be around forever. Probably trying to reassure herself too.

OP doesn’t sound like she was nasty to the kids. She was not parenting the P’s kids because they’re not her kids to parent.

As to the ‘oh she should have played with them’. There was a thread on here where a grandfather sat beside a child playing for forty minutes before deciding he’d had enough and wanted to go for a walk away from the child. And god the verbal beating that OP got for allowing her DC to play by her grandfather and show him her colouring in, instead of keeping her kids away from the grandfather and letting him relax (when OP had been playing taxi to her parents and racing around doing what they wanted).

There are certainly double standards on MN mostly that women should do all the drudge work and shut up about it.

I suggest you leave things alone for a few weeks. Give each other space

This won’t work out in the medium term

No more holidays together, strain if the kids are over, so best that doesn’t happen… this has no future

Holidaying in a family with teenagers and young children is always going to be challenging even if they are all full siblings. I do think though that you sort of brought this on yourself. You did not honour your own feelings and make it crystal clear that you don't want your life affected by the constraints of young children anymore . If you had been clearer on your boundaries from the beginning, you might still be with your partner or alternatively perhaps you would have split up earlier .

I think it was incredibly naive of you and him to think that holiday had much chance of success without clear discussions beforehand of what was expected of everyone and what the plan was to make sure you and your teenagers had a holiday and were not burdened with responsibilities you did not want.

I think you are right to split up but you did it in a pretty hurtful way by saying you didn't like his children. That is never going to end well and hurt people often lash out. It is not even the main reason. I imagine even if they had been delightful that you still.wouldnt have wanted the constraints that younger children bring so probably would have made the same decision anyway.

I think he is probably angry that you haven't been clearer in the preceding 3 years about what you feel about having any young children in your life . I would be too.

@toobusytothink

He’s just messaged saying he wants to talk and closed off with a kiss x ………. I knew this would happen

He's really trying to talk you around, isn't he? What could he possibly say that a) would excuse his nasty texts and b) that there's no moving forward with this relationship because his children are those ages and not complementary with the set-up of your own children?

He sounds controlling to me. Determined to get what he wants and not willing to see things from your point of view at all. Ugh.

How do you think the responses would be different if the sexes were reversed? mmm now let’s see.

:I’ve just been on holiday with my Bf, he has two teenage DC and I have two younger ones. I agree my kids can be a bit difficult at times but they’re young and were just being kids. Anyway he made it very apparent that he dislikes my kids. We waited for 2 years to introduce them and now he said he dislikes them. Obviously I’ve ended the relationship but it’s very sad.”

Posters would be telling the OP she was right to end a relationship with him, that he was clearly an arsehole and that she was well rid.

But because it’s a woman posters are telling her that he is in the wrong, that she hasn’t done anything wrong, and that clearly he’s annoyed because she won’t be there to look after his children. I’m pretty sure that if he had her in mind as his next nanny he wouldn’t have waited two years to introduce them…

He was right to end a relationship. And while not being with someone who has kids isn’t wrong, making it so obvious that you dislike them to the extent that both the teenagers and he noticed is pretty bloody horrible.

Seems you have had a wake up call so don't let it all slide back to the way it was because he's calming down now and probably going to woo you. Seriously, you don't want what he's offering!

You've seen his true colours, he over compensates through guilt for his dc and expects you to fall into line with his ideas then stroops if you don't, nor should you and quite rightly so.
Don't get pulled back because he's sending kisses on a message. It's the stark reality he has to deal with his own dc and he is feeling guilty because of the relationship not working out with you. Listen to your instincts, you say you don't want to do the young dc again and why should you ? You have a life ahead of you once your dc are off your hands more. Live it for you.

Just remember - Disneyworld OP, Disneyworld.

And honestly, you know and we know that he doesn't parent his kids well. Not giving them boundaries is doing them no favours.

I would find it hard to love and respect someone who had not managed to get his parenting shit together, to be honest - even if he genuinely wasn't trying to rope you in to take some of the 'load' (and I don't think you have really given us enough information to justify the certainty from some posters that this is what is happening)

@AlternativePerspective interesting. I feel like it’s more acceptable for men to say they don’t want to parent/be around children than it is for women to say this. Obviously that’s just an opinion though.

What was happening, rather

AlternativePerspective, but it's the OP who is posting, not the partner. She really isn't doing anything wrong in ending the relationship and why the hell shouldn't she?

If what you say is correct then it's the best outcome anyway, isn't it?

If I could give a different perspective, my ex-h's girlfriend resented our DS from the off. We've had 8 years of misery with this woman. My ex-h allowed her to treat DS like shit and when she finally wanted rid of him completely, he has abandoned DS and says he will never see him again. My DS was only two years old when this started. She was the OW and wanted my husband but not the baggage that came with him. It doesn't work like that!

On that basis, I have a lot of respect for a man who has put his children and their needs before his own. As it should be in my view. While I acknowledge this is devastating for you, it is also timely as you now know that it wouldn't have worked going forward and your resentment would have grown. Regardless of how annoying his children are, they don't deserve that.

Finally, I also understand your perspective. Which is why I would never get involved with a man with young children. Nor would I inflict it on my DS while he's still small. I hope you're able to find somebody who is better suited to you and your life OP

@toobusytothink

It all just really blew up on final night because we were going to leave the restaurant and his youngest kicked off crying for an ice cream. He caved in and told me to head back to the villa with my 2 if I wanted: so I did. His oldest was eating ice cream and playing on his iPad and his youngest was on his lap screaming and being spoon fed ice cream so I thought it was best if we did just go. My poor 2 were just sitting there thinking what the …..

That sounds like an absolute nightmare. I’d be embarrassed to stay, even though it’s nothing to do with you. I 100% would have left too.

Give yourself some time. Just ignore the message for now. Or respond with ‘I need some time to think’. Things are so raw and you will get some perspective in a couple of days. There are all manner of angry or upset things you can say right now, which is why it’s best not to react.

I wouldn't be saying that, AlternativePerspective.