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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:

Lorw · 20/08/2021 18:20

Tbf OP has said that she made it clear that she didn’t want to be a stepparent to young children and would keep it separate but he wants more. Better to walk away, you are both just at different life stages and honestly you will start dating again knowing exactly what you don’t want and it will blow your mind 😁

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:21

@Notaroadrunner that’s a great response! Thank you

OP posts:

SaintVal · 20/08/2021 18:22

OP I don't think you sound desperate at all! This is a classic case of your head and heart conflicting with each other. You care about him and don't want to hurt him and I understand that. I would also struggle with this. Continue to be kind but honest - keep what you want in the forefront of your mind. It will hurt but it'll hurt a hell of a lot more further down the line if you ignore your feelings now. Good luck 💐

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/08/2021 18:22

It irritates me that posters have decided that this man is a shit dad because he apparently gave into a tantrum when they were on holiday.

I think he's a fucking fantastic dad who has put his DCs first and confronted the OP over her obvious dislike of 2 small kids who have done nothing wrong.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2021 18:22

Truth is he dies find the youngest hard work and annoying and has said so! His mum says so! His brother says so! Yet when I say it’s hard work apparently I’m horrible

Some things a SP shouldn't say. Just like our he moans about his mum...it doesn't mean you should to. Let people complain about their own relatives, without piling in. That's just common sense tbh.

Sunnygold · 20/08/2021 18:23

Personally I think he’s expecting too much. You want to read but you’re expected to play cars - why is that? They’re not your kids, why should you have to play with them? That’s their father’s job. You aren’t their parent, you shouldn’t have to do playing, cooking, reading, helping with homework, or anything else. You shouldn’t have to go to farms or soft play either, their father can take them. It just seems like he wants you to be a mother but they aren’t your kids.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:25

He says he doesn’t want me to be their step mum. But he wants them to be with us both rather than just him but will do everything relating to them. But then I don’t see him so what’s the point? I’d rather he just have his kids by himself and I have mine by myself

OP posts:

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:26

@SandyY2K so I shouldn’t have told him that I wasn’t happy because I found it hard work? Note I did say IT not HIM.

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 20/08/2021 18:27

Sorry Op, this isn't going to work out long term but you already know that. If he could be happy with your previous arrangement then fine, but he's not, and you now know for sure that you really couldn't cope with you all living together. If you really want to keep trying then make it completely clear that you won't ever be living together full time, that your DC don't want younger siblings and he can't change your mind. I think though that once he understands you really won't live with his DC he'll call the relatioship off again

IdblowJonSnow · 20/08/2021 18:28

Cant you just stay together but not blend families? There is no law that says you have to do that/cohab?

I'm married w kids but if we ever split up I dont think I'd live w any man again, kids or not.

DowntonCrabby · 20/08/2021 18:29

You are not the horrible at all OP, he’s a Disney Dad, excusing and not effectively parenting poor behaviour, not able (or not willing) to see the situation as it is.

If the holiday just hadn’t worked, fair enough, if he could see it as the situation clearly is that it’s just different life stages and styles of parenting then maybe the relationship could have worked as it had been.

He’s showing his colours now though, taking things personally, on a massive defensive and making you feel as though you are the problem.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 18:29

@Daleksatemyshed I think he would agree to anything to be honest. That’s not me being arrogant but I know him. And I would worry he would drift apart from his kids because of me. And I won’t have that on my conscience

OP posts:

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/08/2021 18:31

[quote Unsure33]@Feedingthebirds1

why will it be 24/7 - he does not have his children all the time ?

he could have holidays with his children on his own if he wants and so can the OP

They don't have to have big family holidays if it does not work .[/quote]
@Unsure33

Thank you. My bad, I muddled that bit up with a different thread.

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 18:32

@toobusytothink

But then you are still living your life around them. Still having to do the things you did on holiday which you done enjoy.

Simple fact is that he can't have that without you being unhappy.

Its great he is putting his kids first. But he can't have it always.

Its either keep the 2 part of his life separate or not at all.

And tbh, even when the kids are grown you could find you still aren't keen. Because even when our kids are adults, lots of us still have a lot of involvement with them.

Daleksatemyshed · 20/08/2021 18:34

It's a shame @toobusy, he's the right man but at the wrong time

JRKismyhero · 20/08/2021 18:34

Oof, op it sounds like you've dodged a massive bullet to me.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 18:35

@SandyY2K

Truth is he dies find the youngest hard work and annoying and has said so! His mum says so! His brother says so! Yet when I say it’s hard work apparently I’m horrible

Some things a SP shouldn't say. Just like our he moans about his mum...it doesn't mean you should to. Let people complain about their own relatives, without piling in. That's just common sense tbh.

My parents have just left after staying for a few days and my DP has definitely moaned about them more than me since. I don't expect him to stay silent because I have enough awareness not to expect him to put up with their ways without having the opportunity to vent about it.

ChipButties · 20/08/2021 18:36

I’m going to get lynched for this I’m sure, but whilst I do sympathise that you are heartbroken OP, the way you have gone on to talk about his children and his parenting style is off to me.

Do not revive this relationship, it isn’t fair on his children. Imagine growing up with your dad having a partner and you potentially feeling like they don’t like you? Or finding out they don’t? For all your sakes you just need to end it for good.

Babyroobs · 20/08/2021 18:37

@ChipButties

I’m going to get lynched for this I’m sure, but whilst I do sympathise that you are heartbroken OP, the way you have gone on to talk about his children and his parenting style is off to me.

Agree with this.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 18:37

@THisbackwithavengeance

It irritates me that posters have decided that this man is a shit dad because he apparently gave into a tantrum when they were on holiday.

I think he's a fucking fantastic dad who has put his DCs first and confronted the OP over her obvious dislike of 2 small kids who have done nothing wrong.

Oh please, he's been an absolute twat about it. The people who don't see that are the people who would behave the same way and should also be avoided.

Livelovebehappy · 20/08/2021 18:39

[quote Unsure33]@Livelovebehappy

the OP has children - does that make them baggage as well ?![/quote]
Erm no. Not to her. But clearly in ops eyes his DCs are. My DCs aren’t baggage to me, but a perspective partner might think otherwise.

saraclara · 20/08/2021 18:46

He has projected all this onto you, decided you hate them as kids, rather than the truth which is you’re not able to go through it all again

FFS read the title that OP gave this thread. SHE'S the one who says she doesn't like them. And she admitted it to him.

Now that might not be what she meant, but she said it to us and she said it to him.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2021 18:48

SandyY2K so I shouldn’t have told him that I wasn’t happy because I found it hard work?

Hard work and not liking them are 2 different things. Kids can be hard work. That in itself isn't offensive, but it depends how you say it.

His initial question was you don't like his kids...the better response would have been, you find Kids that age can be hard work and you've passed that stage of parenting...so it's challenging.

Had you been clearer in communicating, it would have had a different outcome.

Nobody would want to be told by their partner they don't like their kids. It's not defensive to get upset by it either.

Up until the nasty text, I don't think he was wrong.

When you pass a stage in life, I totally get that you don't want to go back. I feel that way when I visit my Dsis with younger kids...more so a couple of years ago. I love them very much, but they can be annoying sometimes...however, I would NEVER EVER say this to my Dsis. They're just kids being kids. These are stages in human development.

There's absolutely nothing good that can come from it...and sometimes she tells me they annoy her...but that's her venting...not for me to join in and say yes...your kids annoy me too.

Unsure33 · 20/08/2021 18:50

@toobusytothink

then perhaps you both need a break to think things over .

Nothing changes if nothing changes .

if you can find something that works for all the children and the both of you then fine - but if you cant then the children have to come first so perhaps it is better that you do finish it now .

pheonixrebirth · 20/08/2021 19:01

@PasstheBucket89

For him to notice though I imagine you were quite nasty to the children, i feel sorry those kids have been made to feel unwanted on holiday.

You have made the right decision but went about it the wrong way.

I would bet my life on it that the OP was not at all horrible to his kids.

The OP has made it clear to him that a blended family is not an option for her, he has tried pushing her boundaries probably thinking that the OP would change her mind if they all went on holiday together. As she said, he would sweep her concerns under the carpet.

I think in his head, he thought that once on holiday the OPs maternal side would kick in with his kids, that she would step into a motherly role and do a lot of the parenting with him. (Offload his responsibility onto her). Y,now because all us women turn into Mother Earth when in the vicinity of children.

His plan didn't work and the OP quite rightly kept out of the parenting which he has interpreted as horrible behaviour because she didn't play the game right and dance to his tune.

So now he's behaving like a shit and trying to make the OP feel guilty when she didn't do anything wrong.

And her daughter probably noticed because the OP clearly has a different parenting style. I imagine the daughter was thinking my mum would never put up with that behaviour from us.

Personally I applaud you OP for admitting that, that part of your life has been done and your not giving up your life and the way you want to live it now.

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