Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
JanisJ · 20/08/2021 17:08

@fuckoffImcounting

He is angry because he was grooming you to be nanny to his kids and do the wife work for him. That is why he wanted more in the relationship. Can't see why you were having to play with his kids on the beach - he can do his own parenting - but he does not want to - now he is mad as hell because you got away.

Yes I thought that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/08/2021 17:10

@Viviennemary

MN double standards yet again. If this was the man making these comments about small children he would be set upon. But because its the woman its ok. Hmm
Oh that old trope.
InFiveMins · 20/08/2021 17:11

He is trying to make you think this is your problem, which it is, but the way he is behaving is as though he is trying to force you to think you are in the wrong, when you aren't. Saying he's "ashamed" of how you've behaved - he is trying to shame you into saying he's right and you're completely in the wrong and can see it now etc...

He's reacting this way because he wants you to apologise and you can get back together and he will feel like you will then tiptoe around his children so as not to set him off again and risk breaking up. You have to hold firm - you will be miserable every time his children are around, and that's not fair on them but it also isn't fair on you.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2021 17:13

Maybe. But doesn't mean its not true. Prime example this thread.

CirqueDeMorgue · 20/08/2021 17:13

Ah well, I guess if you end up with someone who hates your kids, you'll be understanding!

Cameleongirl · 20/08/2021 17:13

@Viviennemary. I still think it's more about his lack of parenting, though. Letting a five-year-old ruin every meal with tantrums, because they're a fussy eater? If my child did that, I wouldn't expect the others to endure it every single day, I'd probably eat separately with them a few times to give the others some peace. I also wouldn't expect teenagers to go paddle-boarding with small children.

Unsure33 · 20/08/2021 17:14

of course he is defensive and upset - he think you hate his children - he is not really hearing what you are saying about the age of the children . you would be the same if he said that about your children , you know you would .

he is probably trying his best but making some parenting mistakes as well to over compensate for them being young when they split up .

I think its actually quite sad , a dad who wants to do his fair share with his children and you have both taken things slowly and now its all failed .

I am not saying you have done the wrong thing but just think what you would have felt if the boot was on the other foot .

funinthesun19 · 20/08/2021 17:15

It’s definitely for the best OP. He’s done you a massive favour.
We can’t like everyone and now you’re free from that situation. Please see this as a massive positive and how much better your life will be from now on.

Dragon50 · 20/08/2021 17:16

He might be projecting OP, clearly he has kept his DC and relationship apart, felt it was the time to spend some time which has gone badly and now he might be feeling shit that he exposed them to the hol.

That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, but those DC are very little and I’d be pissed (with myself) that I bought a partner in to their lives who will be swiftly disappearing.

You’ve made the right decision, while we may love our DP it’s also important that the lifestyle surrounding them is satisfactory to us.

It’s acceptable to walk away if the package doesn’t work for us and quite frankly more people should rather than live in resentment.

Goingoutinthecar · 20/08/2021 17:18

Agree with fuckoffimcounting. He wanted you to sort his kids; you’ve had a lucky escape!

cameocat · 20/08/2021 17:18

I don't think you are horrible but honestly. I'd be depressed at the thought of going to Disney and very sad about not reading my book on the beach. I think he sounds very unaware of your kids if he said they loved it, so not exactly compatible there either, it's just that you're more honest and self aware.

SpaceBethSmith · 20/08/2021 17:19

I agree with @fuckoffImcounting

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 20/08/2021 17:19

Sounds like you have clear boundaries and that is good.

I would not give him unsupervised access to the house to pack up his things. He sounds vengeful and angry

Instead bag it up and put outside when he’s coming (lock door from inside)

The fact that he is angry and nasty, not sad, show’s he’s more upset about losing a free nanny than the woman he loves

Whatinthelord · 20/08/2021 17:20

@Viviennemary

Maybe. But doesn't mean its not true. Prime example this thread.
How do you think the responses would be different if the sexes were reversed?
Eralos · 20/08/2021 17:20

Oh op I get it. I have small kids, who I adore but it’s so so hard. If they were teenagers I would not want to go back and do it all again with kids I didn’t give birth too. No thank you. You’re not selfish for not wanting that and he’s not selfish for wanting blended family, bad timing indeed. But no ex for him to be nasty to you, you don’t need to take his messages, block if you must.

PasstheBucket89 · 20/08/2021 17:21

For him to notice though I imagine you were quite nasty to the children, i feel sorry those kids have been made to feel unwanted on holiday.

You have made the right decision but went about it the wrong way.

Dragon50 · 20/08/2021 17:25

I also see the issue from both sides.

Pre-DC I never really wanted to be around small DC they are hard work.

When I had my DC I knew what I was getting into, made an informed choice and accept that 1. They are sometimes a pain in the arse, 2. That other folk may want to see me without DC due to point 1.

What I wouldn’t and don’t do is expose DC to people who find them irritating. They don’t have to adore them, that’s mine and DH’s job, but I’m not having DC self-esteem broken by people close to me not having any/much interest in them.

If I ever split from DH I’ll be damned if I went back to younger than my DC (I suspect I’d only date anyway).

He’s out of order for the abuse though. He should have kept you separate, he didn’t and it failed. That’s on him.

frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 17:25

[quote toobusytothink]@HunkyPunk I agree - I tried to tell him it was the age not the kids but he took it very personally and wouldn’t really listen to what I was saying. Thing is that I know he loves me so much and is desperate for things to work but I know they can’t and this is the only way I know he won’t fight for me[/quote]
OP said it was the stage the kids wee agewise she was finding difficult not that she hated the DC.

And it’s not double standards at all. I’ve yet to read a thread on here where a mother is attempting palm off the parenting of her DC on a stepfather.

If there was the thread would be full of support for the Stepfather.

This place has become ridiculous, each time a woman does not want to parent someone else’s kids she gets a massive kicking and told she’s all sorts of evil.

I wouldn’t want to parent somebody else’s kids either. I would not want my teens taking someone’s tiny kids out paddle boarding. They could drown fgs.

He sounds like a wannabe Disney dad and a utterly rubbish father.

He’ll find someone else to palm his kids off to no doubt.

AuntLydiasNewHairdo · 20/08/2021 17:26

Some posters have missed OP saying she tried to clarify her feelings to him but he kept shutting her down. Now he's trying to gaslight her into coparenting with him when she has previously made it clear she doesn't want that.

frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 17:29

@PasstheBucket89

For him to notice though I imagine you were quite nasty to the children, i feel sorry those kids have been made to feel unwanted on holiday.

You have made the right decision but went about it the wrong way.

Where does OP say she was nasty or the kids?

She played cats with them when she wanted to read.
She put up with eating every meal with an all out tantrumming child.
She took the dog for a walk when the ex was dealing with a tantrum.

Nothing points to OP being ‘quite nasty’ to the children.

Disengaged yes, because she wasn’t stepping in, but it’s not her place to step in. The children’s father was there.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 17:30

@Unsure33 now sitting here crying. You’ve hit the nail on the head. I feel so awful and sad

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 17:32

@PasstheBucket89 honestly I would never make it obvious but when his youngest started crying and my 2 went off to swim he said things like “see - even x and y don’t want to be around you”

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 20/08/2021 17:34

@fuckoffImcounting

He is angry because he was grooming you to be nanny to his kids and do the wife work for him. That is why he wanted more in the relationship. Can't see why you were having to play with his kids on the beach - he can do his own parenting - but he does not want to - now he is mad as hell because you got away.
This is where I think mumsnet has really jumped the shark. Grooming her to be his nanny!? It was 2 years before she even met them! Playing with kids on a family holiday is normal-it’s what I did with nephews and nieces before I had my own. It sounds as if they were taking it slowly, the OP realised she didn’t want to be with a man with young children after a holiday and of course, there’s upset after a 3 year relationship.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 20/08/2021 17:35

Don't be crying - he's being awful in his subsequent texts to you because he's not getting what he wants.

Nothing in your posts says that you outright told him that you hate his kids (because you don't). He is the parent and he should be interacting with his children (and doesn't). Who is supposed to be doing that then, you? No.

You've seen the writing on the wall and it's really clear that his expectations are that you will step in and parent. It's not what you want, don't be sorry about that.

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 17:35

@Viviennemary

MN double standards yet again. If this was the man making these comments about small children he would be set upon. But because its the woman its ok. Hmm
No he wouldn't. People always say this when in fact a man would be set upon by the SAME people who set upon women, not different one's. There is no double standard.