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Step-parenting

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Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
MzHz · 22/08/2021 09:17

He didn’t have me lined up to be a nanny - we would have just seen each other less - so I really don’t think he is giving up his kids for me….

Kindly, come ON! He’s been pushing to have the kids in your life for ages, that’s why they’ve come over to yours, that to why the “family holiday”

The holiday was a disaster because of 2 things, the fact that the kids are t well behaved AND the fact that your boyfriend can’t parent them, won’t parent them and expected you somehow to be involved in his parenting

You took yourselves off and he threw that at you.

He’s abandoning the 50/50 because he knows he’ll have to do it all and looking at how he was on holiday HE doesn’t want that if YOU aren’t going to pitch in

He’s not being honest with you as to what he wants from the relationship, you are going to get dragged into this by stealth.

And let’s say he - by some miracle, bump on the head or alien abduction or whatever- he wakes up tomorrow as the male embodiment of Super Nanny, anything he ‘achieves’ WILL be undone by his ex.

The only way id be involved with a guy like this would be if he WAS a good hands on parent with well behaved kids, cos the rest then follows.

Don’t get back with him, he has a high conflict ex in his life and that will blight yours. Your kids deserve better. You deserve better

MzHz · 22/08/2021 09:20

You love one small part of this man. The whole man is also a dad - a not very good one, and he doesn’t respect your boundaries

Without kids on the scene he can pass for a good deal, but you’ve seen the whole package and it’s NOT what you want.

You’re making a mistake by doing anything other than walking away.

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/08/2021 09:35

The younger child is a sugar addict. Addicts are unpleasant to be around. Of course you dislike this. The addiction has to be broken or the fractious child will become a ruined adult with poor long-term health.

Find out if the boys' mother permits this lifestyle. Be a bit more curious about what they do at the bf's - it will affect your plans. Even if DP learns to parent well, what is he trying to counteract? Or is it just him? Is the ex actually doing good enough parenting and knows he will Disney Dad if he gets 50:50?

EmeraldShamrock · 22/08/2021 10:18

My frustrations should have been directed at him and his parenting, NOT the kid. His parents have already spoken to him about parenting: he agrees the sweets are a real problem and that he needs to work on saying “no” and meal times and how to stop the tantrums (or what to do when they start). I think if I can direct my frustrations re the tantrums etc towards him then it will stop me feeling negatively towards a young kid.
You've nailed it, the DC are an extension of him and he should lead by example.

HeartvsBrain · 22/08/2021 10:19

OP, please stop listening to all pp on here (including me if I inadvertently do it) who tell you what he is doing, and what his motives are/were, and who even tell you what and why you are doing something. Only you know what is in your head and heart, and yes you are probably confused, but listening (reading) other peoples assumptions on here, will I feel - but I don't/can't know either - just make you even more confused. And your partner is the only one who knows what is in his heart/head, all these pp telling you what his motives are, really have NO idea, they are just advising from their personal experiences, and their own agendas.
Again, I feel (but I have no idea really) that you should spend some time with your own thoughts, and some time with your partner, discussing everything that occurs/worries you, then maybe have a time apart (both of you choose how long, but I would suggest at least a day, and a period of time when you can both individually concentrate on your thoughts, and when if at all possible, neither of you will be interrupted by anybody, except for emergencies). During this time I suggest you both have pen and paper readily available to jot down any other concerns/questions for the other one, that you had either forgotten about, or not thought of before.
The picture in my head for either/both of you, is not you sitting down at a table at 9.00am until 6.00pm staring at a piece of paper and trying to force yourself to do this exercise, if I had ever tried that, my mind would have gone completely blank, and I would have only managed to wind myself up even more - but maybe you thrive under that sort of pressure? We are all different, and knowing are own minds can be so difficult, which is why even attempting to know what is in some strangers mind, and not even directly from them, but through someone elses description over the internet, just seems almost impossible to me.
Like you I (used - I am disabled now) love walking, especially with a dog or two, and I could usually think well on a walk, with a sit down and my back leaning against a tree trunk for a rest. If I wanted to think and make notes, I would wear a light back pack with a drink or two in it, and maybe a snack, and a notebook and pen to jot notes down too. When my exDH left me (leaving me with our small children, one a new born baby), I was lucky enough to live near the sea, and every weekday morning after dropping the oldest at school, and leaving the youngest with my wonderful Mum, I would sit in my car by the sea for half an hour,, watching the world go by (popular year round tourist location), and the waves meander or crash against the shore, and just let my mind wander. I would usually think about my DxH, and me, and the life we had had, or him and the woman he left me for, and of course always my children and how they seemed to be coping. I would sometimes cry, but often I just felt the wonder of the sea, smell the fresh sea air, and actually feel quite peaceful despite my heartbreak. In a way I was luckier than you, as I didn't have any decisions to make about my DX, as he had made that decision, I was given no choice in it (of course in the next weeks, months and years I had lots of decisions to make, but this isn't supposed to be about me!) Anyway, that would have been another perfect time to have a notepad and pen with me, if I had had decisions to make. Maybe you could go to a nearby town, but not your own where you could be likely to meet people you know, and go into a cafe after a walk in a park, and sit with a cuppa, and just jot down any thoughts or feelings you had. Another thing I do when I am stressed, or have a decision to make, is keep a pen and paper by my bed, so that I could jot down any thoughts that were keeping me awske, or any pertinent dreams I had just had - that notepad being there realky helped me sleep, as I wasn't worried about forgetting spmetjing important I thought about. If you have the house to yourself, yoi could let your mind wander while you are vacuuming, or sit and listen to some music, but have that notepad handy. My God, I wonder if you are still reading this, if you ever started; but please if nothing else, please consider that no-one else knows what will make you happy, what decisions you should make, and there are no guarantees that anything you do decide to do will or will not make you happy in the long run. And the same goes for your partner, no-one on here, even you, knows what is in his heart, what his motivations are, BUT you have much more of an idea about that than we do, and you can talk to him, ask him things, we can't. So please don't be swayed by anyone here, follow your brain, heart AND your gut, and if you don't recognise a gut instinct yet, try to do the sort of things that might help you recognise and understand yours. Good luck OP, in the end, quite a bit might just rest on luck.

HollyGrail · 22/08/2021 10:36

This has probably been said by now but it is a long thread -I don't see why young children with two homes cant be treated or be expected to behave differently in the homes. I mean how many tantrumming 5 year olds do that to their teacher?
I feel it would be greatly in the child's interest for DP to read up seriously on child management and change how life is with the two, especially if he is going for 50:50, and just stop the junk food. Being a Disney Dad can surely mean prioritising your child and giving them lots of your time and attention not just ruining their teeth, making them fat, pandering to 5 hours a day of screens, not ensuring exercise. Surely taking them to the beach, helping them practice sports, helping them read (even though they say they don't want to do it) is just what you do!
True there will be tantrums and they will demand to stay in the home that spoils them SOMEtimes. But in the long run, my DCs don't hate me because I made them do their homework, or eat their salad.

The child is 5 but in the blink of an eye they'll be 7 and easier to plan and discuss things with, and even great fun and interesting!!

they can’t understand why their daddy doesn’t take them to mine on “his” weekends. I come up with excuse after excuse but sometimes it just feels mean

Ridiculous. I wouldn't dump my DCs on say, an unmarried uncle because he's fun and they like him loads - I would appreciate that the uncle might have better things to do.
The DP just needs to say 'no because OP and teens are busy' - stop pandering...... is he just wanting an easy time?

WildfirePonie · 22/08/2021 11:07

he is here 9 nights out of 14

Does he pay his way when he stays? Pay for food, electricity, water? Does he help with chores?

Or does he stay for free?

Notcoolmum · 22/08/2021 12:41

I think holidays are actually quite difficult. There's the pressure for everything to be perfect and not upset anyone. Teenagers and small children will have different needs and wants.

Have you all got on ok before in less stressful situations? My partner has a younger DC and mine are older teens. I do find it difficult and tying. But also my kids can be hard work at times and he takes that on the chin.

I don't see myself as parent to his child. More of a fun auntie and don't and won't take on any of the parenting.

You aren't horrible not to want to be with him. It's your life and you need to make the decisions that make you happiest.

1WayOrAnother2 · 22/08/2021 12:51

OP you are not wrong not to want to parent his children. You could stay together.

In your situation you either become a blended family or you keep parenting separate and are together less. Both are compromises- this is family life.

I am not sure that children long to spend time with a step parent. Most I know treasured time with their own parent and preferred not to share their time if possible.

He does sound to be good at misreading things:
Your children were being kind- he thought they were blissfully happy.
His children probably want to see him in the 50% of time the have. (He is the one wanting to be at yours.)
You don't want to parent young children (especially not under his rules)... he thinks you hate them.

To me he does not sound a great partner. In this situation mine would want me to enjoy my reading/ walks and would encourage me to do this. He would want to make me happy. (This would prevent me feeling trapped and I might well enjoy being around the children occasionally!)

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/08/2021 13:10

I suspect (and I've nothing to go on but the OP's posts) that he didn't want a blended family so that the OP could be the nanny/disciplinarian while he played Disney dad. Rather that, because he loves the OP and she loves him, he has a very romanticised view of what that family would be - basically, The Waltons, where everyone loved everyone else and all was sunshine and light. And I think he hoped the holiday would make the OP see it that way too.

Unfortunately it backfired. toobusytothink saw what his children are like, especially the youngest. Saw that his parenting style is very different to hers and not one she'd want to be caught up in. Saw the impact it had own her own DCs who, for reasons pretty much like hers, didn't want to get involved with either. So a hunch she had before the holiday is now a certainty, this isn't something she wants.

OP a PP said that you'd be finding all these posts confusing. I sense that although there's a lot of them they're giving you food for thought from different angles. My thoughts above are just more, I may or may not be right. But I hope you are, thanks to this thread, better prepared for your discussion with him today.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2021 14:18

MzHz

He didn’t have me lined up to be a nanny - we would have just seen each other less - so I really don’t think he is giving up his kids for me….

Kindly, come ON! He’s been pushing to have the kids in your life for ages, that’s why they’ve come over to yours, that to why the “family holiday”

Seems like you know her partner better than her. Or think she's not sensible enough to know what she's talking about.

If anything...he's pushing to be blended. Not for her to be a nanny. Not at all.

Marmelace · 22/08/2021 14:25

How do you know so much about the childrens routine with their mother, and have you posted something about this before, your writing style is very familiar, the comment when you thanked someone for finally making you breakdown is word for word the same as on one or two other threads I've read. Anyway I wish you all the best, keep your chin up and don't be too down on yourself x

MzHz · 22/08/2021 16:05

@SandyY2K

MzHz

He didn’t have me lined up to be a nanny - we would have just seen each other less - so I really don’t think he is giving up his kids for me….

Kindly, come ON! He’s been pushing to have the kids in your life for ages, that’s why they’ve come over to yours, that to why the “family holiday”

Seems like you know her partner better than her. Or think she's not sensible enough to know what she's talking about.

If anything...he's pushing to be blended. Not for her to be a nanny. Not at all.

It’s not about knowing her boyfriend more, or even about being sensible or not

We all know that many men behave in a way with new partners to try and either share the load of THEIR kids or form a rapid attachment to create a new family. In this case @toobusytothink was clear about what she wanted from a relationship but he’s ignoring it.

We all know when we’re in the thick of relationships- especially those with issues of lack of respect of boundaries or where one partner has a covert agenda - it’s very hard to not get manipulated by the emotional stuff to put up with whatever these guys are pushing and overlook the fact that it’s NOT in our best interests to go along with things but we get sweet talked into it

@toobusytothink was clear, respectful and calm when she said she was not interested in parenting and he not only got angry, but dumped her

Now he’s saying whatever it takes to get her back

Again, in the cold light of day, I don’t think that it’s a good idea for her OR for her dc, and certainly not for his dc.

He is pushing to merge, that’s forcing a step mum situation which isn’t what @toobusytothink wants

He’s going to dump his kids for her. Don’t think she wants that either

kirinm · 22/08/2021 21:03

@Feedingthebirds1

I suspect (and I've nothing to go on but the OP's posts) that he didn't want a blended family so that the OP could be the nanny/disciplinarian while he played Disney dad. Rather that, because he loves the OP and she loves him, he has a very romanticised view of what that family would be - basically, The Waltons, where everyone loved everyone else and all was sunshine and light. And I think he hoped the holiday would make the OP see it that way too.

Unfortunately it backfired. toobusytothink saw what his children are like, especially the youngest. Saw that his parenting style is very different to hers and not one she'd want to be caught up in. Saw the impact it had own her own DCs who, for reasons pretty much like hers, didn't want to get involved with either. So a hunch she had before the holiday is now a certainty, this isn't something she wants.

OP a PP said that you'd be finding all these posts confusing. I sense that although there's a lot of them they're giving you food for thought from different angles. My thoughts above are just more, I may or may not be right. But I hope you are, thanks to this thread, better prepared for your discussion with him today.

'Saw what his children were like'. They're bloody babies ffs. They aren't like anything.
aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2021 21:04

Saw what his children were like'. They're bloody babies ffs. They aren't like anything.

Don't be precious, of course 7 and 5 year old's are "like" something.

kirinm · 22/08/2021 22:05

@aSofaNearYou

Saw what his children were like'. They're bloody babies ffs. They aren't like anything.

Don't be precious, of course 7 and 5 year old's are "like" something.

Being the parent of a 25 year old and a 3 year old, I can say that a 5 year old isn't 'like anything'.
SpaceshiptoMars · 22/08/2021 22:13

I believe it was the Jesuits who said

'Give me a child until he is 7 and I will give you the man'.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2021 22:32

Being the parent of a 25 year old and a 3 year old, I can say that a 5 year old isn't 'like anything'.

I mean I can't speak for your kids, but I've yet to meet a 5 year old who didn't have at least an early form of personality complete with traits. Saying they are "like" something is not an implication that they have the personality they will have as adults.

candlelightsatdawn · 22/08/2021 22:40

I mean my nearly 3 year old most definitely is like something. She's actually shown these traits since day dot (not all bad traits, not all good traits) but definitely something. Doesn't mean it's set in stone but are you really trying to say kids don't have personalities ? Weird because I have yet to meet a kid who's a robot... maybe I'm doing something wrong 🤔

Odd that your bashing the OP for saying actually this isn't for me. This that exactly what most advice is given on here SC come before all others.

OP I'm still leery about your partner trying to lure you back in with less contact (he's gotta see that's actually not attractive) . Esp it sounds very much like parental styles being wildly different and the parental responsibility would likely be shifted to you when he got his feet under table.

You get to nope out of that or as PP suggested you don't have to blend just because it would make his life easier and by proxy your life a hell of a lot more like hell.

MzHz · 22/08/2021 22:44

@aSofaNearYou

Saw what his children were like'. They're bloody babies ffs. They aren't like anything.

Don't be precious, of course 7 and 5 year old's are "like" something.

Even if they’re not “like” how much time does op have to gamble on this ‘bet’? That miraculously the kids, with no decent parent role models in place, will become polite, easy to be around, chilled and warm teens/older kids?

3 years? Then they’re 10 and 6? Perhaps almost 7?

5 years? A near teen and a 9 year old?

And at what cost to the op family? Her dc don’t enjoy time with his kids either.

WaitinginVain · 22/08/2021 23:04

@kirinm I agree. Honestly can't get my head around some of the comments on this thread Confused.
Doesn't anyone think about why this 5 year old might be "whiny" and "tantrumming""? Away from his mum and sensing the OP's obvious antipathy? No-one is saying the children don't have traits or personalities Confused. Equally no-one seems to have much empathy for them.
Never heard so much nonsense about badly behaved, "sugar addicted" kids. A few too many sweets have certainly never changed my DC's personalities [sceptical].
Ime children often "tantrum" when they're in distress and struggling to express themselves or in an effort to get the attention, even "bad" attention they obviously not getting. They didn't ask to be in this situation and I'll bet they'll remember this holiday for all the wrong reasons too.
Way too much consideration for the OP's "needs" and "boundaries". She didn't need to date a man with DC.

Feedingthebirds1 · 22/08/2021 23:10

Doesn't anyone think about why this 5 year old might be "whiny" and "tantrumming""? Away from his mum and sensing the OP's obvious antipathy?

As the DP's parents have spoken to him before about his parenting style, I suggest that it doesn't have a lot to do with the OP.

candlelightsatdawn · 22/08/2021 23:29

Way too much consideration for the OP's "needs" and "boundaries". She didn't need to date a man with DC.

Weird flex considering** OP has literally been the one asking for advice and is allowed to have needs and boundaries? Since she also has children she needs to consider or does that only apply to the mans child .

Why's it always the women's fault ? Why do I never hear on here "he doesn't need to date a women if he has children" like some how she's conned him into dating her by holding a gun to his head.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2021 23:38

Way too much consideration for the OP's "needs" and "boundaries". She didn't need to date a man with DC

I mean there is just no reasoning with someone that thinks this way about any human being that is doing nothing abusive, is there. I'm baffled as to why you would think any of that comment was necessary due to OPs decision to leave.

WaitinginVain · 22/08/2021 23:44

@Feedingthebirds1 We only have the OP's word for that.

@candlelightsatdawn I'm absolutely the last person to suggest it's always the women's fault. But the OP's partner doesn't have any problem with her kids and she is considering their needs as well as her own. Just not those of her partner's much younger DC. Hopefully he will.