Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

[toobusytothink]

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

@sassbott
I said meet ups on some contact days for a cake and a chat in a cafe if op wished. I think we are on the same page as you said you’re only interested in ad hoc fun time with your partner’s kids, which I was also meaning and framing it in the context of if they stayed together 10 years down the line. If op disappears, she won’t be terribly missed. But if they stay together, there won’t be awkwardness and questions from now teens as to why she never saw them growing up, which could potentially lead to a lot of misunderstanding and damage their relationship with their dad.

[quote toobusytothink]@Tiredoftattler I’m hoping that’s what we can do. I’d rather have 50% of him than none of him I guess. We’re going to meet up tomorrow and have a long chat about our needs/wants from the relationship and see if we can both be happy[/quote]
I’m pleased you may be able to meet in the middle on this.

[quote toobusytothink]@Mummyoflittledragon pretty much. More like “boys keep asking if they can come over” and I tell him to tell them they can’t because my 2 have school on Saturday …[/quote]
He really does lack boundaries as an overindulgent parent. Sounds as if his ex is the same too. Ultimately being like this makes it more difficult to keep the children at arms length but even more pertinent that you do for your own sanity and for the relationship to have any chance of continuing.

@MissMaple82 what absolutely rubbish. I could say the same of my siblings, if they loved me they would have ensured their children continued coming for sleepovers! It’s this sort super manipulative language that induces SM’s time and again to put themselves in ridiculous situations.
If she loved him, she would support him fully in maximising his contact time (as she is doing).

@Lennybenny, really? Traumatised? Christ in that case my own children should be traumatised. I’ve been bored at countless nativities, school assemblies, sports matches and beach days.
So much responsibility here is placed at the feet of step parents. Young children won’t be traumatised because someone doesn’t want to play cars with them FGS! The onus of making feel children loved, secure and stable is the PARENTs job. Nothing else needs to be forced onto a step parent/ partner.

I would bet anything that the person who actually pushes this more is the partner in this scenario. As the parent he could very easily boundary / contain these situations and shut them down with care / love and then appropriate distract his children. Not message the OP (having probably told his children let me check), for the OP to say no and he then lets his children know there’s a rejection.

Equally when they want to play, he can intervene and say @toobusytothink is relaxing and reading, come over here. Or when they’re trying to insert themselves in the much older children’s activity, instead say - listen thats for big boys and girls, let them go and do that, we will do xyz. And give the older children their space.
Likewise at meal time, why is the onus on the OP and her children to leave the table. If one of my kids was screaming at a restaurant and ruining everyone’s meal (which they have done when little), I removed them. They learned pretty damn quickly that acting up would result in no pizza/ icecream and they stopped. Why should the onus be on the Op to sit through that sort of nonsense.

Once again a fathers inability to parent his own children is being placed at a woman’s feet to solve for otherwise the children are ‘traumatised’. Rubbish.

@theleafandnotthetree thank you that is so very kind. My partner did not (and possibly would not) agree with you. It’s taken a lot of resolve to hold my boundaries. His children are not my responsibility and pushing me to do more will only backfire.

Once again a fathers inability to parent his own children is being placed at a woman’s feet to solve for otherwise the children are ‘traumatised’. Rubbish.

Damn right.

I mean traumatise. Don't you think if you continue to fob the kids off. You've said you're bored at countless things....for your kids or his? Sounds like you spend as little time as possible with them.....and as you have teenagers that's fair enough.....BUT you knew he had children when you got together with him. By definition as a step parent you should want to be with him AND them.

As far as I see it, his kids need their dad as much as possible, but they don’t need me or my kids. If their mum wants to play blended families with her bf and his kid then fine but that doesn’t make me wrong. The main thing is me not wanting to spend time with his kids doesn’t stop him from seeing them or going on holidays with them and I would never complain about that. It gives me time with just my 2 which I need to relish while they are still living with me. It’s up to my bf to decide whether he is ok being with someone who doesn’t want to share weekends with his kids though

@Lennybenny

I mean traumatise. Don't you think if you continue to fob the kids off. You've said you're bored at countless things....for your kids or his? Sounds like you spend as little time as possible with them.....and as you have teenagers that's fair enough.....BUT you knew he had children when you got together with him. By definition as a step parent you should want to be with him AND them.

Op doesn’t want to be a step parent. What is so difficult to understand.

I don’t even live with my bf!!!!!! Certainly not a step mum …

1. I was bored at my own children’s things. They were fobbed off plenty and told ‘no not right now’ or ‘please wait’ or even better ‘mummy doesn’t want to right now.’ Guess what? My kids are resilient, grounded and happy teens. Who now will ask ‘is now a good time?’. Manners. Not entitlement. I call it good and healthy parenting. More people need to try it as opposed to raise the next generation of navel gazers
2. the partner should not be placed in the situation of ‘fobbing’ off. When my nieces and nephews stopped coming over I didn’t ring my siblings and try and get them to change their mind. Then my kids knew they were ‘fobbed off’. I handled it as a parent and taught my children that the older children had different needs and we needed to respect that. The OP’s partner can do the exact same. He can distract/ explain/ engage his own children. Yes his kids might be upset. So what? So long as he has a secure relationship with them, they won’t be traumatised. Their primary bond is with him.

Also, have you read my posts before making your (bluntly) ignorant and stupid comments. It is not my job as an adult to force my needs on others. The reason I do not spend time with his children js as a direct result of their mother not supporting our relationship. This causes something in children caused loyalty binds. The kindest and best thing I ever did was to take a huge step back and encourage 121 contact without my being there.

So please take your asinine comments elsewhere

Happyd but that also means that half of them is someone you don’t love. In fact she’s really quite unpleasant…. Maybe that’s one of the problem

This really struck me.

You have a lot to say about the "toxic" ex and her parenting style, even her "walkover" partner and his motivations for wanting your partner's children around. The way your bf parents his own children is wrong as well.
You "helped" your partner push for 50:50 and only after 3 years together decided you don't want anything to do with them.
I think the title of your thread is exactly how you feel.
The two of you are at different life stages and have different priorities.

I think you're entitled to your boundaries and hope he prioritises his very young DC.

..BUT you knew he had children when you got together with him. By definition as a step parent you should want to be with him AND them they're not married, they don't even live together, she's not a step-parent.

@toobusytothink

Stopping the fight for 50:50 think it’s because he’s tired of fighting with his ex but I need to ensure he doesn’t think we have a better chance of working if he has them less. As long as he’s doing it for the right reasons

This is 100% not you! He’s dumping his kids because of you.

That is not a good parent

Red flag

He’s stopping the fight for 50:50 because he was counting on the OP to parent his children for him, now she’s establishing boundaries it all seems a bit too hard

@MzHz "Good parents" don't always "fight" for 50:50. The OP "helped", possibly encouraged him to do this - she clearly has a problem with his ex. Not hard to see why she'd help him "fight".
50:50 is not always in the DC's best interests. Upthread the OP was keen for him to put them into kids clubs more. Maybe they'd be happier spending more time with their mum and her partner who actually seem to want them around.

He’s stopping the fight for 50:50 because he was counting on the OP to parent his children for him,
I doubt that. He is doing what 1000's of men do every year, choose a woman over their DC.
When the going gets tough weak men get going.
Twat.

OP said she ‘helped’ him start the fight for 50:50, despite OP’s protestations, he sounds like and uninterested Disney dad.

The nasty texts were because OP refused to step into default drudge role and take over the parenting of his DC.

@toobusytothink I think you should try to find a way through it. Any way you can. Don't give on true love like this that easily. If you were fine before the kids came over more often, go back to that. But he has to know that his poor parenting style is what has caused this, and ultimately if he doesn't change parental direction very sharp and very quick, that undisciplined young one is going to grow up with a lot of problems in his teen years and onward so your bf isn't doing him any favours by plying him with sugar that makes him bounce off the walls and so used to getting his way. If his youngest wasn't this bad you may not have such an issue, but it's his inability to step up and parent - rather than be a 'friend' to them, that is the cause of the problems between you.

I don't think op is entirely being honest. And I don't mean with us, I mean with herself.

I don't think it's that she doesn't like the kids. I think its that she has seen this other side of him and she doesn't like him, when they are around his kids.

Op has him there 9 nights in 14. Then the says where she should be able to relax spend more time with her children, he is pushing to be at hers with his kids. Op doesn't want that, but he has continued pushing. Deep down she knows this is because he doesn't want to parent them alone.

He was going to go for 50:50, why? Because it was in the best interest of the kids? Or because he thought op would be there to help him out more and he thinks that dad's who do 50:50 look better. If he thought 50:50 was in the best interests of the children, he would still be going for it.

So either he didn't really ever believe it was in their best interests and was only doing it, counting on op picking up the slack. Or he believes it is in their best interests, but is going to ignore that it's best for them in an attempt to keep op. Neither is a good dad.

I think op has seen him parent on a longer basis and not liked what she has seen. She has seen he is very much a Disney dad, that is pushing responsibility on to her and her teens. He expects her and her teens to put his kids first. To make life easier for him. I think op is projecting her dislike onto the kids.

In addition, the way op talks about his ex in a disparaging tone and about her partner being a walk over etc. This all has to come from ops dp. I think he sees his ex finding blending families far easier and is probably a bit jealous trying to push for op to do this.

Overall, I don't think this man is a great as op think he is and she is projecting that onto the kids, so she can keep their love story on a pedestal.

The more op writes, the more this man comes across as someone who only has his own interests first. But op putting him forward as 'he put the kids first and broke up with me' frames him as the good hero dad.

His anger will have been defensiveness. But not about his kids. If dp acted in a way that clearly showed, he disliked my kids he would be just gone. That's it. No negotiation, no scaling back plans I had, to have my kids more. I think his anger came from the fact that he had a vision in his head of what the future looked like. Which included him having his kids more, but not actually doing more because op would have picked up the extra.

Its ok saying op is t a step mum, she isn't. But that's where he saw this going. That's where his anger comes from. His plans, that he hasn't shared started falling apart and his reaction was anger at that.

Maybe they can maintain a relationship where they live apart. I doubt it, he is already trying to drop the 50:50 to get op back. Then when he does, he will start trying to get op to accept the kids more and more.

But, everyone is assuming that this will get better as his kids get older. But that's not a given. Infact having this dynamic as with teens where their dad gives in whenever they want something, is worse when they are teens and adults.

Wether staying separate can work is really dependent on what op wants from the relationship long term.

If she is wanting a relationship where they eventually live together/get married and have a completely shared life, she may end up staying (keeping things separate for now) only to find it was a waste of time. Be arsed his kids are in their 20s still stropping while he appeased them.

I can see op, staying with him and in 10 years regretting the decision, tbh. I just don't think she is being honest, he is the problem.

@toobusytothink good luck today.

I agree with @SamiReed1, I think if you both love one another, see what compromises can be made. Be prepared today to hold firm and watch out for emotive language around his children that will possibly be designed to guilt you into taking more on. Things like ‘but they love you’, ‘you’re so good with them’, ‘I need your help/ input.’ Etc etc.

You were very clear on one of your posts about focussing on your DC while they are still home with you, stick with that. You owe no one (him included) any explanations on why you wish to enjoy your weekends with your own company/ your children.

He really needs to take a cold hard look at his existing contact schedule and really ask himself why he’s going for 50/50. It is very different to EOW plus midweek contact (which I am assuming is his 5 nights out of 14). It’s 5 school runs, 5 collections. Homework/ reading. Healthy dinners. Bedtimes. Routine, structure. I assume he works also. It’s no walk in the park. And given their ages he is years away from secondary school level independence (which is where you and I are).

If he is constantly trying to bring them across to you/ fob them off onto you now, how on earth will he cope with 50/50?

His parenting also sounds woeful - again if he goes for 50/50, he will need to be able to appropriately discipline/ boundary his children. Does he even have the toolkit to do so? I would never have tolerated any of my children behaving that way at mealtimes.

My advice to you is to tell him that you are looking for a partner for you: one who can fulfil your needs. Not one who helps you with your children.
He needs to ask himself what it is he wants. Bluntly if he is already talking about giving up on 50/50, then he’s basically already struggling/ not enjoying the contact time he has with them. Although some of these men would chop their own heads off before admitting that they find their contact time with such young children mind numbingly boring. (Which is another huge factor in why they try and bring their children over, they are also bored and would like some adult company).

Re @Hekatestorch post, I thought ‘oooof’ when I first read it, but there are real hard elements of truth in it I agree with. I don’t agree that you will look back in 10 years and regret things. But I do think this: with men like this you have to hold your boundaries strong and firm. If my experience is anything to go by, they may acquiesce to your boundaries, but over time may make another run at it. It’s something I am keeping a very close eye on.

If you hold your boundaries and your needs get met, I don’t think you will regret things. If however you allow this nonsense/ noise to become a significant factor in your life then I think you will regret it. And part of that nonsense / noise is how much his anger/ frustration at you not playing ball will be down to you wrecking his plans of helping him. I agree completely on that. He had a vision of ‘happy families’ that involved you and your kids helping him with his. Shut that down today. You know your kids don’t want that.

Let us know how you get on. (I predict profuse apologies and him accepting your terms).

How can you have any respect for him if he stops fighting for 50/50 over a girlfriend? His young children should be his priority not you. I couldn’t respect a man like this.

Thank you so so much for everyone’s advice and views. I’m going to focus on the following.

50:50 care. This is completely up to him. I supported him going for it because he seemed to want it so much. I think his reasons were valid but possibly he wasn’t thinking about it from the perspective of the boys. Think his main concern is that his ex will move the kids away into her bf’s house so I understand these concerns. But as somebody pointed out - the bf has welcomed the boys with open arms (unlike me …) and maybe it is for the best? He is not giving up the fight for them in order to “keep” me though. I have told him previously that we may not work out in which case he would have nothing so he must NOT think of that as his reason. It has caused so much animosity between him and his ex that I think he’s just defeated and possibly sees things differently. He didn’t have me lined up to be a nanny - we would have just seen each other less - so I really don’t think he is giving up his kids for me…. As I say - he wanted them 50:50 but his ex is refusing it so she can’t turn around and claim he left his kids for another woman. I believe he will still see them as much as she allows him to. I honestly don’t mind if I see him 7 or 9 nights a fortnight. That won’t be the reason we stay or don’t stay together.

His kids … the big thing that someone said that resonated with me is that I have thought and agree that absolutely it is not the kids I didn’t like on holiday - I was annoyed with HIM. As people have said - a 5 yr old is tricky. When he played up, he should have removed him but instead I felt I had to “escape”. My frustrations should have been directed at him and his parenting, NOT the kid. His parents have already spoken to him about parenting: he agrees the sweets are a real problem and that he needs to work on saying “no” and meal times and how to stop the tantrums (or what to do when they start). I think if I can direct my frustrations re the tantrums etc towards him then it will stop me feeling negatively towards a young kid.

Blended family - that just is never going to work. My weekends with my kids will be just that and he will have his weekends with his kids. With possibly the occasional meet up but I do have to make sure this doesn’t creep up and up. Holidays I may need to accept we can’t do for a good many years and enjoy going with my kids/friends/by myself instead and just enjoy long weekends with him instead.

Will see what happens when we chat later. I go from thinking we can make it work and I love him and that is so rare so I want him in my life to this is never gonna work and I’m not happy so should end it … but I guess today will tell……

He is not giving up the fight for them in order to “keep” me though

So it just happens that he breaks up with someone he loves, because she doesn't want to be around the children and within a couple of days he also decides going for 50:50 probably isn't a good idea. And he actually only wanted to do it, just incase his ex moved in with her boyfriend?

He didn’t have me lined up to be a nanny - we would have just seen each other less - so I really don’t think he is giving up his kids for me….

This is the man that was already, pressuring you spend more time with his kids and bring them over to you when he had them. I really don't think his plan was to see you less.

@toobusytothink you say up thread that you think he is giving the fight for 50:50 up for you, now all of a sudden he’s not? Come on op you’re in denial. Any man who would give up the fight for his kids is not as amazing as you want us all to believe. He should put his young children first and any man worth his salt would. He’s not doing that and you can dress it up all you want but I suspect you know if too. You say he’s a caring and loving dad then how would it be for the best for his kids to see him less? Would you personally be happy with anything less than 50/50 with your kids? Especially when they were so little? I suspect not.

@MissMaple82

I don't believe you love him as you say. If you did genuinely love him you would accept his children. Love doesn't have barriers like that !

Well done for reading the thread and getting this out of it. Do you read too many romance novels? Watch too many movies where the woman always gives in in the end? Life isnt like that. Love certainly does have barriers, could you see yourself loving a rapist? Paedophile? Man who got drunk and drove his car into someone, killing them?