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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 22/08/2021 23:59

@WaitinginVain tbh if my child was the Sc in question and new step mum tbh said you know, young kids I thought maybe it would work but it doesn't for me and therefore the relationship won't work and walked away.

I would be grateful for that. Young kids are hard work. I would think she's rather brave tbh rather than half heartily being present but resenting my child's presence. I say this as a SM, SD and mum.

SamiReed1 · 23/08/2021 00:00

@WaitinginVain Wow. I cannot get my head around your post. Hmm Could you be more ignorant, rude and heartless? Btw, if you actually took the time to read the OP's posts, you'd see that they get sweets all day from after breakfast, and are allowed to eat ice cream instead of a meal. We're not talking about a few sweets here and there, we are talking about ice cream for tea, and not having to do anything they don't want, and getting to eat everything they want and no actual meals. The OP is not a mind reader and did not realise this UNTIL she met them. Your post is ignorant, thoughtless and rude.

SamiReed1 · 23/08/2021 00:02

[quote WaitinginVain]@Feedingthebirds1 We only have the OP's word for that.

@candlelightsatdawn I'm absolutely the last person to suggest it's always the women's fault. But the OP's partner doesn't have any problem with her kids and she is considering their needs as well as her own. Just not those of her partner's much younger DC. Hopefully he will.[/quote]
We only have EVERY OP's word for anything. Confused What's your point? That NO OP on this site can ever be taken at face value?

Of course he doesn't have a problem with her children. Because her children don't run riot, don't run the show, and are well raised.

Did it escape you that his own parents have problem with how he raises the children? Or is that the OP's fault/word for it as well? Confused Hmm

MzHz · 23/08/2021 09:11

[quote WaitinginVain]@kirinm I agree. Honestly can't get my head around some of the comments on this thread Confused.
Doesn't anyone think about why this 5 year old might be "whiny" and "tantrumming""? Away from his mum and sensing the OP's obvious antipathy? No-one is saying the children don't have traits or personalities Confused. Equally no-one seems to have much empathy for them.
Never heard so much nonsense about badly behaved, "sugar addicted" kids. A few too many sweets have certainly never changed my DC's personalities [sceptical].
Ime children often "tantrum" when they're in distress and struggling to express themselves or in an effort to get the attention, even "bad" attention they obviously not getting. They didn't ask to be in this situation and I'll bet they'll remember this holiday for all the wrong reasons too.
Way too much consideration for the OP's "needs" and "boundaries". She didn't need to date a man with DC.[/quote]
And this Dear Reader is why we can’t have nice things.

Little Johnny runs riot in a restaurant, hurls self to floor, wails, whines and screams for ice cream

This op: “that’s ok little johnnny, you’re stressed/traumatised whatever bullshit lazy arse excuse”

Parent worth half a clue: “Johnny, that’s not acceptable, sit down, calm down or we go home… and you know we will. The other people didn’t come here to hear you scream or whine, and neither did we.”

The op boyfriend kids won’t remember this holiday for any sinister reason at all, this is how they live, so why would anything stand out?

KarenofSparta · 23/08/2021 09:45

[quote WaitinginVain]@kirinm I agree. Honestly can't get my head around some of the comments on this thread Confused.
Doesn't anyone think about why this 5 year old might be "whiny" and "tantrumming""? Away from his mum and sensing the OP's obvious antipathy? No-one is saying the children don't have traits or personalities Confused. Equally no-one seems to have much empathy for them.
Never heard so much nonsense about badly behaved, "sugar addicted" kids. A few too many sweets have certainly never changed my DC's personalities [sceptical].
Ime children often "tantrum" when they're in distress and struggling to express themselves or in an effort to get the attention, even "bad" attention they obviously not getting. They didn't ask to be in this situation and I'll bet they'll remember this holiday for all the wrong reasons too.
Way too much consideration for the OP's "needs" and "boundaries". She didn't need to date a man with DC.[/quote]
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 10:48

Literally the land of your dammed if you do your dammed if you don't.

I'm literally on another tread that is saying your just a SM they aren't your kids don't get involved, it's not your place ect and on this one which is OMG your going to scar the kids for life for trying to distance yourself from the parental role.

It would be funny and ironic if it wasn't so blatant.

kirinm · 23/08/2021 11:30

@candlelightsatdawn

I mean my nearly 3 year old most definitely is like something. She's actually shown these traits since day dot (not all bad traits, not all good traits) but definitely something. Doesn't mean it's set in stone but are you really trying to say kids don't have personalities ? Weird because I have yet to meet a kid who's a robot... maybe I'm doing something wrong 🤔

Odd that your bashing the OP for saying actually this isn't for me. This that exactly what most advice is given on here SC come before all others.

OP I'm still leery about your partner trying to lure you back in with less contact (he's gotta see that's actually not attractive) . Esp it sounds very much like parental styles being wildly different and the parental responsibility would likely be shifted to you when he got his feet under table.

You get to nope out of that or as PP suggested you don't have to blend just because it would make his life easier and by proxy your life a hell of a lot more like hell.

If you bother to read, I haven't said that the OP is in the wrong to say that it isn't for her. I don't believe she is going to walk away though. She is going to stick with a guy who will drop his kids for her. Pretty shitty behaviour.
SpaceshiptoMars · 23/08/2021 11:40

She is going to stick with a guy who will drop his kids for her. Pretty shitty behaviour.

He's not dropping the kids for her. He's dropping the kids (50:50) because he knows his parenting skills are rubbish - he thought he could get her to raise his kids for him to be as lovely as hers. He's still going to have them EOW with or without her.

Preech · 23/08/2021 11:43

Doesn't anyone think about why this 5 year old might be "whiny" and "tantrumming""? Away from his mum and sensing the OP's obvious antipathy?

Nah, my youngest is 4 and a hair-trigger tantrum-throwing pain in ass right now. The roots of her tantrums tend to be:

  1. wanting attention or acknowledgment from primary parent, rather than seeing it going to siblings or work

  2. tired

  3. hungry

  4. 2+3 or 1+2+3

When mine kicks off, it has very little to do with other people being there. She's actually better behaved around people she doesn't know as well (and then really lets it all out once they're away).

I reckon the OP's partner's youngest child could have been kicking off because yes, unfamiliar environment and away from mum. But probably also wanting attention back from Dad, who for obvious reasons would have really into his partner, her kids and also trying to make things "work" on a holiday.

That doesn't make the OP an ogre.

It means the Dad could really benefit from reading a good book about child development, and maybe from joining a few dad-oriented parenting support networks so he can trade stories and gain perspective and ideas as he raises his kids.

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 11:49

@kirinm what spaceship said 👏🏼

kirinm · 23/08/2021 11:52

You have made those assumptions. You assume that he was prepared to ask for 50/50 because he was with the OP. The OP hasn't confirmed that.

His girlfriend who she claims he is endlessly in love with has told him she doesn't want to be around his kids. And suddenly he drops the kids. Sure, you want to believe that is because she isn't around to look after them despite the fact she doesn't actually look after them or live with them.

SpaceshiptoMars · 23/08/2021 12:02

@kirinm.

This is what OP said:
"toobusytothink Sat 21-Aug-21 08:34:43
Hypnoshiding but if it was that or us splitting up he would take it. Problem is he has been pushing for more and more and asking if he can come over on his weekends with the boys etc and after saying no for so long I started to relent. Think that’s when the resentment started growing - they love coming here and tbh I’m not surprised - we have a huge garden, they love my 2 because they’re “older and cool” and my bf loves it because he has me there for support. But I don’t like them being here and feel trapped. I wish I didn’t feel like that …"

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 12:08

@kirinm

You have made those assumptions. You assume that he was prepared to ask for 50/50 because he was with the OP. The OP hasn't confirmed that.

His girlfriend who she claims he is endlessly in love with has told him she doesn't want to be around his kids. And suddenly he drops the kids. Sure, you want to believe that is because she isn't around to look after them despite the fact she doesn't actually look after them or live with them.

Ok so who's fault is it he's dropping the 50/50 pursuit ? Surely your not implying that a man who's fathered children isn't able to do this with out without the prompting of a female and if he fails to do it then it's her fault somehow 🤔

How odd. Almost like he's a child with no brain of his own. OP has simply said not for me and has said she would walk. Which she's entitled to do.

If he doesn't go after 50/50 contact with his kids that's 100% on him. Now would I find that attractive in a man no,but would I shoulder the parental responsibility and none of the rights to enforce good behaviour and do all the child rearing out of guilt also no.

Your defending a Disney dad and to me is why Disney dads do what they do because no one holds them to account.

What I find odd it why flame the SM for literally following the advice which is often handed out to SMs which is don't like it leave ?

Really crackers this thread.

candlelightsatdawn · 23/08/2021 12:11

@kirinm

Also from OPs updates ironically I’ve spent the last year helping him fight for 50:50

Since you must have missed it 🙄

Littlepaws18 · 23/08/2021 12:14

Playing step mom is such a hard gig- and if your heart isn't in it, you do the right thing to walk away. I have two step children and one is incredibly challenging. He takes up most of my thoughts, plans and time. We are constantly adapting to his behaviour and feelings. Tbh it's draining but it's important so we do it. You need to be 100% commited to the kids to make it work. So you are doing the right thing- and the right thing invariably is rarely easy.

Ariela · 23/08/2021 12:34

@toobusytothink

I know what he will do - he will come over and say sorry and will tell me it’s really difficult and he knows x is hard work and that he needs help and doesn’t know what to do. I do think he deserves a conversation but I also know how easily he can talk me round. He really hasn’t been lining me up to be a nanny. He does do most of the care but he wants us all to be together.
Make him walk over fire before that happens.

Starting with a parenting course, he needs to parent. Kids that age should know it's not acceptable to whinge even if they are tired then can whinge quietly to themselves. (well they do in my house)

thenewduchessofhastings · 23/08/2021 12:37

He sounds like a total Disney dad tbh.

Plumtree391 · 23/08/2021 15:57

Thank goodness you ended it before you got to the setting-up-home-together stage.

Now you are free and the world is your oyster! Enjoy yourself.

rainbowstardrops · 23/08/2021 18:30

You're definitely not horrible, you're just at a very different parenting time in your life. I think it's positive that you've been so honest.

HereticFanjo · 24/08/2021 11:27

How did the talk go OP? You had such great advice on here especially from @sassbot who clearly understood your situation. I hope this thread helped make things clearer for you.

Whatinthelord · 24/08/2021 13:37

My feeling is that as op hasn’t come back they’re probably back together and deciding how to move forward together.

Audit · 24/08/2021 13:43

@Whatinthelord

My feeling is that as op hasn’t come back they’re probably back together and deciding how to move forward together.
I agree.
candlelightsatdawn · 24/08/2021 13:46

@Whatinthelord

My feeling is that as op hasn’t come back they’re probably back together and deciding how to move forward together.
My feeling is the OP so much absolute abuse on this thread, she probably nope I'm out.

Some advice has been constructive and some has just been absolutely vicious.

HereticFanjo · 24/08/2021 14:11

@Whatinthelord

My feeling is that as op hasn’t come back they’re probably back together and deciding how to move forward together.
Hope so Smile

All the best OP, I hope you find a solution that works for you Flowers

Whatinthelord · 24/08/2021 14:13

I mean I think getting back together could go one way or the other.

I hope it works out for all involved whatever way it went.