Page 9 | Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

candlelightsatdawn · 25/08/2021 09:33

You know I'm out. OP isn't coming back and the thread has just turned from a discussion, into a my view point is fact and it's insulting to say otherwise.

People's "truth" is true to them, but may not be someone else "truth". It doesn't apply to every situation as every situation is different. Opinions aren't facts. Assumptions are dangerous and also not facts.

If your easily offended then the internet probably isn't a place your going to enjoy.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 09:35

And my point is why bring it up when everyone is projecting in every thread they right. Everyone on AIBU are projecting, but it's only on this board that this comment is made, always when someone dares talking about their own experience of living with a SM!

Oh it's ONLY said to people speaking against SMs, is it? ALWAYS that way around? Never mind all the people trying to insinuate that I'm just blindly loyal to step parents because I am one (aka, projecting).

You can't make this stuff up.

There are very clearly people on both sides doing this, yet it's only you and yours trying to claim the moral high ground on these matters.

HowdyMik · 25/08/2021 10:02

I genuinely do think there is a lot of projection on this board. I'm sure there is plenty in other areas of MN too but it's not rare at all to see poster's here take what can be a very minor issue in the grand scheme of things and twist it into 'my stepmother hated my existence and refused to let me in my Dad's house, I haven't seen him for 20 years now because she absolutely hated me and ruined my relationship with him, you're so awful'.

That's what I would call projection. Obviously people's experiences do tend to give them some personal bias however, there is a lot of very dramatic over reactions on this board and retelling of personal experiences which are so very far from even remotely comparable to the issue being discussed that it is sometimes laughable and makes me want to scream at my phone 'what bloody relevance does that have?!'

I think the problem with step parenting is there are such hugely varying opinions on what is the correct way to do things compared to other topics. In the main, people are in agreement about what's acceptable in a relationship for example.

With blended families what one person finds totally acceptable, another will think is completely abhorrent. I've seen quite a few opinions on here where I've been quite shocked at how ridiculous I found it. One that always stook with me was how a SM shouldn't have a picture on her phone background of just her child because it would make her DSC feel left out.. on her own personal phone there's been all sorts, SM is evil for withdrawing "childcare" from her husband's ex because she'd been on the receiving end of abusive texts from her, some people think it's fine to be totally separate, others think the only way is to love DSC like your own and treat them exactly the same.

It's a minefield of varying opinions which is why I find this board, more than most others, tends to turn into a bun fight.

howtodealwithit · 25/08/2021 10:17

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

sofa leaving the children out of things like a family collage isn't a neutral action. If a step parent isn't thinking about these things, then they ought to be! The dad didn't know it was being made so couldn't take the lead on including his DC. And really, he shouldn't have to make a point of saying 'please include my children' - it should be done automatically because they are children belonging to the family unit, even though they aren't the wife's.

I don't believe step mums should be expected to love the DC as if they were their own, or be default childcare, or never have their own needs taken into account. A lot of step mums get a really raw deal. But as a basic standard, if you do marry someone who has dc, it's not fair to do things which make them feel like they aren't welcome or part of the family unit.
All the children are siblings and it really does matter when they are noticeably treated as different in their dad's home.

100% agree with this ☝️

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 10:21

The trouble is that a certain few posters really seem to struggle to grasp that if we are supportive towards a certain SM that you would not be, it doesn't automatically mean that we are only doing it out of blind loyalty to SMs
I believe you, it's just that I've said before, I've never read a thread when you've indicated that the SM might have her wired cross, or indeed, done anything to cause the situation. Maybe you have and I've just missed it, I don't read all the threads. It just comes across that no matter what the situation, you will always see the that the SM is blameless.

Oh it's ONLY said to people speaking against SMs, is it? ALWAYS that way around? Never mind all the people trying to insinuate that I'm just blindly loyal to step parents because I am one (aka, projecting)
That is exactly my point, we will project. Projecting is what we all do when we share our views and experience. So why use the word to imply that the person's view is irrelevant because they raise their own experience to express their opinion on a matter?

As said, it's used here regularly as a criticism to undermine people's views. It's rude and unnecessary.

HowdyMik · 25/08/2021 10:35

As said, it's used here regularly as a criticism to undermine people's views. It's rude and unnecessary

I don't think it always is though. I've seen plenty of examples where people have shared their experiences which are very extreme but actually aren't anything like the situation being discussed. That is projection in my book. Especially when it's used to condemn the poster as if they are doing something similar to the experience that poster has had when often they are not.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 10:47

@vivainsomnia

The trouble is that a certain few posters really seem to struggle to grasp that if we are supportive towards a certain SM that you would not be, it doesn't automatically mean that we are only doing it out of blind loyalty to SMs I believe you, it's just that I've said before, I've never read a thread when you've indicated that the SM might have her wired cross, or indeed, done anything to cause the situation. Maybe you have and I've just missed it, I don't read all the threads. It just comes across that no matter what the situation, you will always see the that the SM is blameless.

Oh it's ONLY said to people speaking against SMs, is it? ALWAYS that way around? Never mind all the people trying to insinuate that I'm just blindly loyal to step parents because I am one (aka, projecting)
That is exactly my point, we will project. Projecting is what we all do when we share our views and experience. So why use the word to imply that the person's view is irrelevant because they raise their own experience to express their opinion on a matter?

As said, it's used here regularly as a criticism to undermine people's views. It's rude and unnecessary.

I have disagreed with step parents before, usually along the lines of "you need to let go about this, loosen up about this" etc. Sometimes there are specific actions within a step parent's post that I disagree with, whilst I agree with some of the broader points. But more often than not I do find myself defending the step parent, yes, and it has to do with what @HowdyMilk said very well. There are almost always a number of posters on threads about step parenting who fundamentally believe something very different and harsher than me about the standards of acceptability when it comes to being a step parent, and I usually find myself disagreeing with THEM. When your viewpoint is generally quite relaxed about what step parents must do and feel in their position, it is natural that you are going to find fault with their actions less regularly, as that is so often what the threads are based around.

As to your latter point, I would not personally imply someone was projecting unless the comment they left did not engage with the actual facts of the thread and were entirely based around their own, very different experience. I do find it ironic that you feel you are the only victim of that on this thread, when I have had multiple people try and say my views cannot be real because they are consistent.

kirinm · 25/08/2021 11:37

The outright defence of bad behaviour from adults towards children on this website just because they are step parents are weird.

Saying hello and goodbye doesn't take any effort. I say hello to my DP / child / when I or they come into the house as a standard greeting. Ignoring them is definitely weird.

Having a one year old child doesn't prevent you from thinking properly or taking into account the children your DH has and you knew he had when you had your own DC. Some people have more than one child and are perfectly capable of managing to speak to them all, pick them up if needed.

Not everything should have to be explicit. If my DP can see me struggling with something, he can offer to help. It sounds like the OP's partner has just completely separated from her OP's family because she now has her own DC. It is not very kind and undoubtedly will cause issues further down the line. And then she'll come on here moaning about how she hates her step children.

kirinm · 25/08/2021 11:38

Not intending to dig at you sofa but a SM made a post today saying she is worried about her SC's weight and your response was: why? It isn't your problem.

That isn't a normal reaction.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 11:43

@kirinm

Not intending to dig at you sofa but a SM made a post today saying she is worried about her SC's weight and your response was: why? It isn't your problem.

That isn't a normal reaction.

You clearly did mean to dig at me. Almost every comment on that thread was the same as mine- you can't fix this issue as a step parent so why isn't her dad stepping up. Yet it's only mine you take issue with.

Ozanj · 25/08/2021 11:43

@HeWhoRemained

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

I think you should call it out. You facilitate her being able to be a housewife so I do think there is an expectation that she should support you in the childcare for your kids when you need her to. If she doesn’t want that she can work full time and you can jointly pay for childcare of your youngest.

I really hate it when women who are facilitated to stay at home by their partner then don’t pull their weight with their stepkids. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on your kids.

kirinm · 25/08/2021 11:47

Sofa - I've never seen a pro step child post from you I'm afraid. There are a couple of other posters that have very similar responses. I find it bizarre.

Youseethethingis · 25/08/2021 11:52

I really hate when people suggest that any of the weight of kids should rightfully be pulled by someone other than their parents.

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 11:55

I don't think it always is though. I've seen plenty of examples where people have shared their experiences which are very extreme but actually aren't anything like the situation being discussed. That is projection in my book. Especially when it's used to condemn the poster as if they are doing something similar to the experience that poster has had when often they are not
I've seen it said when it actually was very much relating like the situation discussed, but not going in the direction some SMs wanted the thread to do and that's why it's lashed out. I've never once seen it said to a SM, even though they too -understandably- project their own experience relating to ex-wives.

Nothing wrong in disagreeing with a poster defending the child/ex-wife in question but throwing the 'you're just projecting' to rebute their view is a passive aggressive statement. There was no need to say it to the poster above in this context at all.

Youseethethingis · 25/08/2021 11:56

I can vouch for Sofa.
Anyone remember that private school for GCSE year step son vs. private for the SMs 4 year old as both could not be afforded? That was quite a big thread, and the SM was almost universally told by other SMs, including Sofa that she was unreasonable to want to pull the step child out of his school.
There have been other, but that one sticks out as it was a Biggie.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 11:56

@kirinm

The outright defence of bad behaviour from adults towards children on this website just because they are step parents are weird.

Saying hello and goodbye doesn't take any effort. I say hello to my DP / child / when I or they come into the house as a standard greeting. Ignoring them is definitely weird.

Having a one year old child doesn't prevent you from thinking properly or taking into account the children your DH has and you knew he had when you had your own DC. Some people have more than one child and are perfectly capable of managing to speak to them all, pick them up if needed.

Not everything should have to be explicit. If my DP can see me struggling with something, he can offer to help. It sounds like the OP's partner has just completely separated from her OP's family because she now has her own DC. It is not very kind and undoubtedly will cause issues further down the line. And then she'll come on here moaning about how she hates her step children.

Right you've contradicted yourself early on there. You say hello to people when they OR you enter the house. Ie, it is no more rude for her to not come to the door to greet them, than it is for them to not say hello upon entering. Yes, saying hello is easy but equally, not everyone views it as essential in order for people to feel welcome, so being nagged about it by your partner (OP) could easily be very irritating.

Secondly, having a one year old could effect her ability to think properly, actually. She could very easily have PND.

Thirdly, I disagree fundamentally that she somehow deserves to be condemned for not offering to help with his kids. That is not her responsibility, and actually, I think this is an aspect many are overlooking. Having recently had a baby, potentially struggling with it, and having your partner clearly filled with resentment as he feels you're not doing enough and that you ought to be doing more... well that's the sort of thing that's likely tangibly felt between the two of them and is very likely to result in resentment from her. Have a look at threads where the bread winning man feels the SAHM should be doing more and consider the ill feeling that ensues. Some people clearly think she is not pulling her weight similarly to what OP thinks. I disagree, and I think that mentality is pretty shitty. Of course she's losing patience.

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 11:57

@kirinm

Sofa - I've never seen a pro step child post from you I'm afraid. There are a couple of other posters that have very similar responses. I find it bizarre.

And I've never seen what I would deem to be a pro step parent post from you "I'm afraid", and I find your views bizarre. What is your point?

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 11:58

I really hate when people suggest that any of the weight of kids should rightfully be pulled by someone other than their parents
It's never black or white and the reason why posters comments in these instances are always more or less pointless because we never have enough relevant information to to place a judgement. It all depends on a number of factors that are all very specific to the couple.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 25/08/2021 11:59

Ozanj I'm with the step mothers on this. SAH doesn't mean default childcare for the stepchildren. By SAH a woman takes a hit financially, in terms of career progression, pension etc. She takes that hit to look after her children and it usually saves a family thousands in childcare, and makes life much easier for the wohp. Now I'm not saying she should see her partner struggle and not help - in a partnership both people should have each others backs. But the DC have two parents whose responsibility it is to find childcare and they would have to do this and fund it if the dad wasn't married. His wife SAH isn't costing him money in that sense. So while I think she should help out sometimes (for ex if childcare falls through at the last minute, or if she genuinely doesn't mind doing it) this is not something she owes to her partner.

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 12:02

If I kept getting nagged to say hello or goodbye I'd stop doing it deliberately. Its so controlling!

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 12:05

There are almost always a number of posters on threads about step parenting who fundamentally believe something very different and harsher than me about the standards of acceptability when it comes to being a step parent, and I usually find myself disagreeing with THEM
Defending on the basis of principle is exactly what leads to generalisations. My first post on this thread was to say that we couldn't really reach a reasonable view of whether the SM was acting wrongly or not as we didn't have enough relevant information. I asked the questions that would have made it clearer, but the OP never answered then. But then it led to many assumptions being made on the SM, that she must be a reasonable women and therefore her actions can only be coming from a good place, the alternative that indeed, she is doing everything to exclude her SCs becoming an impossibility.

We then find ourselves arguing on the basis of what we all decide to establish to be our own truth, which of course is totally fictional. It becomes all pointless and certainly not helping the OP in any way.

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 12:06

Yeah OP needed to elaborate but decided not to so we can't really comment on the exact situation

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 12:10

@ChickpeaCrunch

If I kept getting nagged to say hello or goodbye I'd stop doing it deliberately. Its so controlling!

Agreed, this is what I keep trying to get across.

vivainsomnia · 25/08/2021 12:14

I'm with the step mothers on this
Here we go, SMs vs.... everyone else?

There is a massive difference between two possible scenarios. SM has a low paid job. Dad works in a job he loves and earns tons of money. They decide that they want SM to be a SAHM when they have children together. This involves looking after their common child, doing all the housework and more. Dad can afford to put children into childcare and there are a number of clubs available at short notice. Add that the kids are quite rude, don't tend to obey SM, and don't want to be looked after by her anyway.

Should SM look after the SCs by default? No.

Scenario two: SM earns a decent income, Dad too and together, they enjoy a decent lifestyle. They agree that after their child is born, SM will return to work FT so they can buy a house, and plan to retire early together. When baby is 6 months, SM decides that she doesn't want to go back to work and to be a SAHM instead. this means that dad has to support her, and say her eldest child from another relationship if she has one and the baby on his own. They just about make it and he has to work extra hours so they can enjoy some luxuries. He is tired and stressed and would prefer if she went back to work, but ultimately, he loves her and want her to be happy. He arranged to be off when he has the kids during the holidays, but occasionally, he has to go to work, or there is a change of plans that couldnt be predicted. Should SM look after the kids on these days? Isn't it really selfish of her to except to be fully provided by her OH against his wishes, but to insist that she shouldn't have to look after his kids at any time?

This is why we really can't comment fairly without further relevant information. We don't have that information in this thread.

kirinm · 25/08/2021 12:16

Why does it become "nagging" if your partner asks you to be civil to his kids? If your partner is having to ask you to engage with his kids, I'd guess there is a pretty obvious problem.

Lots of posters have suggested the OP is at fault for not expressly asking for help or asking for pictures of his kids to be included in a collage. But where the OP has raised it, it is referred to as nagging. He can't win.

And what a leap, the DP might have PND!