Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

I think your older two children are your concern, not hers

Disagree with pp. You are a family and that includes your older children too. She doesn't have to take full responsibility for them but failing to even say hello or goodbye to them is poor. I would be concerned that they have/will pick up on her disinterest and blatant favouritism.

You can't force someone to have feelings for their step children. However, not even saying hello or goodbye is just plain rude.

YABU to think she’d put up photos of your two DC when you are capable of doing that yourself. It’s a little rude to not say hello or goodbye to your DC but maybe she feels slighted? Have you taught them manners and do they say hello/goodbye to her when they enter and leave? I feel like that works both ways and she might have given up after getting nothing back from them. In terms of her being a SAHM, I think she is unreasonable for not helping a little bit when you’re really, really stuck the very odd time. Have you spoken to her about your expectations of her? Clearly you are both not aligned and this is down to lack of communication.

YANBU at all. At the very least she should be speaking to them! If its not sorted this could cause years of resentment between your DC. They are siblings and she should be encouraging that relationship, not causing a divide which sounds like is happening.

If your children were coming into the house and not speaking to her , she would probably be complaining about that to someone.
Beyond that it would be great if she made an effort with them, but they are your children, and clearly she does not see them as an extension of her child's family.

What it tells you, is that were something to happen to you,she would not likely foster any kind of relationship between your younger child and your older children.

On a completely different side, I would not fully support any adult who then refused to assist me with any activities that are a part of my household responsibility. I have no patience with the notion that I will gladly stay at home and let you financially support me in full and yet pick and choose those of your obligations with which I am willing to provide assistance. In such a situation, I would insist that my partner work outside of the home even if their total earnings were used to pay for child care. I never understand the willingness to accept more from you than I in turn am prepared to do for you.

Tbh, you cannot mandate interest in or concern for your children; you can only decide if and for how long you can be comfortable with your existing situation. If your children are oblivious to her limited level of interest and involvement with them, it may only be a problem for you.

I think it’s not unreasonable for you to ASK her to help out sometimes when she is home with your shared child and your older children need looking after/ taking somewhere. But only in the same way you would ask your siblings or parents if you see what I mean. It shouldn’t be an expectation that she’ll be available to do any and all care associated with your older kids while she is looking after your shared child. But she’s definitely a trusted adult in their lives who could and should look after them if and when they need someone to step in.

Saying hello and goodnight is an odd one. I never say goodnight to the people closest to me. And I might not say hello to people I live with. It’s not a lack of politeness on my part. This was normal for me growing up - my siblings and parents lived with me so why would we say hello to each other all the time when it was just normal and expected to be sharing living space. I might say ´I’m going to bed’ but I wouldn’t say ‘goodnight’. It obviously bothers you though so I’d ask her sometime when the kid’s aren’t around to please make an effort to say hello (specify in what situations - ie just when they arrive for the weekend? Or every time they walk into the room?) and goodnight (again, just when the kids go to sleep? Downstairs before they go up to bed? Or do you want her to put her head round the door when you’re tucking them into bed? What about if she goes to bed first?)

She’s never going to treat them exactly the same as your shared child. Why would she? They already have a mother. The rules need to be consistent for everyone in the house (as long as age appropriate). She needs to be kind and pleasant towards them and include them in things when they are around. How would you behave if you were in charge of your children plus their cousins for a day - that’s probably a realistic model for a step parent.

Oh and if you want a photo of all your children and yourself or all your children, yourself and your wife to display in your home, then get some taken! Either professionally or just ask someone to take one of you all when you’re out together.

Instead of moaning on here you need to talk to your wife, however don't bring up the photos unless you want to look pathetic.

Do you actually parent the same? Is your children's mother trying to intervene on your parenting and then by default your wife's? Are your children brats when she takes care of them?

I had step-parents and am a step-mother.

It was made very clear to me from early on if my step-parents looked after me that I would have to behave. If I didn't behave then my other parent - so not the parent they were in a relationship with - would come down on me like a tonne of bricks. They were also childcarers of last resort so my other relations and family friends would be asked first. So over my childhood they looked after me a handful of times max and mostly for a couple of hours.

In my own situation I look after my DP's eldest child on average once a year for a day and a couple of times for a few hours. Even then it is always with our child. This is because his ex has tried to cause problems so his default childcare are people their child has known from babyhood, which isn't me.

Personally I couldn’t live with someone who treated my kids like that. And I wouldn’t want my kids growing up in that environment.
People run their families in all different ways, there is no right and wrong, just what’s right for you. Some people have that type of arrangement and are fine with it. I’d hate it personally. Sounds like you and your wife are on different pages of how a blended family should work.

Do your children say hello/goodnight to her?

If you want to put photos of your older children in frames, then do! I’m presuming you have arms.

What @YouJustDoYou said. She should be welcoming to your children but it’s unlikely she’ll ever feel about them like your shared DC. And ultimately they’re your responsibility not hers. She could help you out when you’re in a jam but that’s a favour to you, shouldn’t be an expectation.

I don’t say hello and good night to my own children.

If you want photos up of your DC then you need to make that happen.

I also wouldn’t be looking after any one else’s children (hence being single til my kids were grown up!)

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head there.

It's not particularly unusual as an attitude. As long as she's polite and welcoming and doesn't prevent you seeing them, I'm not sure you can really expect much more

What was she like with them before you had a child together? Have things changed or are you noticing the difference now because of the comparison?

The photos thing is on you, she has 1 child, you have 3, take photos you like of whomever you like and get them on the wall. I take lots of photos and include all the DC but DH has no expectations.

You say she’s pleasant to them when they’re in front of her so she’s not ignoring them is she?

Have you explicitly asked her to have them for you when you need childcare? Didn’t this sort of thing come up when you both agreed she’d be a SAHM? If you not, why not? Do you trust your older DC would behave for her without you there? Did she have them for you before your youngest was born?

Sadly I've seen it happen where the older step children then choose not to visit dad anymore as they don't feel welcome. The dad is left gutted and the new wife is happy as she can pretend they are a family of three. Very sad.

I think she's being a bit shit TBH.
I don't and nor am I expected to do any actual parenting of DSD but I still include her in things like photos etc. (not to the handwringing level advocated by some on here, she's not actually my child after all) and ask DH how her first day back at school went, how she got on at the dentist etc.
To be fair, I also asked my friend how her son got on going back to school so it's more a bit of care and concern for the children of people you care about than a SM thing IMO.
DSDs wellbeing and happiness and fairly critical to the wellbeing and happiness of my husband and son, so therefore is of some interest to me. I can't understand deliberately making it known how little you GAF about a close family member

Have you asked her for help when you've needed it?

On MN threads, it's pretty common for step mothers to be told not to do any parenting, to not do any childcare etc etc. Personally, I've never fully understood that. I mean, I 100% agree that stories where the man expects SM to step in and do all the work involved with children is completely unfair, but surely you're a family. The closest example I can give is that when DH's nephew stayed with us for 6 weeks once, of course he was DH's relative not mine, but I've known him since he was very young and I treated him like a family member who was staying in my home.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect some warmth from your wife towards your children. But I also don't understand why you'd marry someone who wasn't warm towards your children in the first place? Or did things change when you had your joint DC?

She might not know you could do with some help? Whilst your children are your responsibility she might help if you ask her (but don't expect anything and be grateful if she does).

I make a point of not rushing to greet my DSC unless they yell hello when they come in, I say hello when I next see them. This is their home. They don't need the red carpet treatment. I always say goodbye and it was nice to see them but thats just due to when they leave I'm normally around.

Photos, do it yourself.

It's normal she'll be more interested in her own child.

She also might not want to take loads of photos of your children as the children might not like it or she might feel it's too much of a parent thing to do. Sometimes stepmums get told off for being too mum.

Actually asking another adult to be civil to children they are sharing a house with isnt too much to ask. It's hello and good bye ffs!

The filling the house with pictures of every one except your kids is awful. And it will be noticed as I did when my step mother did exactly the same. Get some put up yourself.

You say she's nice to the children? Presumably also makes sure their home is clean and welcoming, food on the table, clean clothes? If so then YABU.
Photos, childcare, are your responsibility, not hers.

@54321nought

I think your older two children are your concern, not hers

I have to agree. They are your children. Not hers. So she will treat them differently. But I understand they are all your children so you cannot.

If you want pictures of your children up in your house, put them up. If you need help with childcare from her, you need to ask her.