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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

243 replies

HeWhoRemained · 20/08/2021 11:51

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 14:51

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa, I do agree that primarily the responsibility for your dss is with your husband and you shouldn't feel obliged to do parenting that you don't want to do. It's only that if I was making something that was including the whole family, to leave out the step children would feel so pointed.

I think this is the only thing she's doing that could be considered unreasonable, in truth. But it is very much a matter of intent, not everyone views things in exactly the same way. Some people love the idea of frames depicting "The Family", whilat some people are more casual and just make collages of some nice photos they have. We don't know where she falls on that line.

Perhaps, if OP had said "could we put some of the other kids in there too" she would have said "no way, I only want us and our DC", in which case yes, unpleasant and pointed. But perhaps she would have said "no problem, I didn't have any of those but if you've got one that would be nice".

For me, what is annoying is that she is being condemned for not being the one to come up with and action these things herself. I don't think that's right, personally.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 14:53

@Yahtze

The collage is really mean spirited. I am a stepchild and my stepmother did the same thing to me. Now that I'm a stepmother there isn't one single photo of just my husband and I with our two. All family photos include ALL the kids. You need to take it down and explain how excluded this will make them feel and add in some photos of them.

That's too far the other way in my opinion. The kids should have some of them with their dad and with their own parents.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 14:55

For me, what is annoying is that she is being condemned for not being the one to come up with and action these things herself. I don't think that's right, personally. that's what is annoying me too. OP can come up with solutions they just seem to be expecting their wife to think of everyone all the time but not communicating about it.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 15:12

@CabbagesGreen

Exactly!

Woodmarsh · 21/08/2021 15:29

@CabbagesGreen exactly but you will get people on here saying that she should want to do it otherwise she is terrible and shouldn't be with their father (I am aware how ridiculous that sounds)

SandyY2K · 21/08/2021 17:25

I get the point but I do hope her DH paid for his share of the shoot and let her have some photos of just her, him and their child. And he can have some of him and his DS. The different families within a stepfamily shouldn't be forgotten imo.

I don't think money was an issue, she just didn't want her SS in the photo. She didn't want him there. Her DH wouldn't leave his son out of any photos.

If she could have airbrushed him out she would have done.

She said (not to her DH) my kids photos aren't in her house ( the ex), so why do I have to have him in mine.

My SIL is a SM and she would never do something like the collage thing. When a SM does this kind of thing, it just makes other family members do more for the older kids...leading to jealousy by SM. Also if the dad sees SM is like this, he'll also overcompensate in treatment of his older kids, as SM is giving their joint DC plenty of attention. He's not going to say they're all my kids, as he's trying to level it up. It just backfires on occasion.

vivainsomnia · 21/08/2021 18:08

their dad is shit at taking photos. They don't like having their picture taken and always hate it. What am I meant to do? Make them feel uncomfortable in their own home?
I don't understand why this situation is made to be completed. Surely all it takes is 'hey guys, I'm doing a collage of the family which I want to put in the living room. I have no picture of you because as you know, your dad is not into it, so I can either take some of you now or you find one you like and I'll put it in'. You don't have one, you don't want to take your picture, fine, are you ok if the collage doesn't include any of your picture? Yes, ok, it's all good then. Very Easy!

I just expect my DP to take the lead on things for his son
Sofa, would you genuinely feel the same the other way around? As already compared, if your DH decided to make a picture book of your wedding, he chose pictures and totally left out your mum or sister, and when you questioned it, he told you that you need to take the lead for your family, and if you wanted a book to include your mum, it was up to you to do one, would you really say 'oh ok, you're right, that's all good? Because if that's the case, it explains your reaction, but you need to appreciate that it really isn't the norm in relationships and that although each have separate responsibilities, there is an unsaid expectation that there will be some inclusivity of actions and behaviours and this is one that most would ideal not fall under 'my' and 'your' duty.

vivainsomnia · 21/08/2021 18:10

If OP is unhappy at the lack of pictures in a collage then the solution is to ask his wife if he can remake it with them in or make his own one
Love this! He needs to ask to make his own? What a lucky man to have such say in his own home!

I do think some people really have an issue with control.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 18:13

I don't understand why this situation is made to be completed. Surely all it takes is 'hey guys, I'm doing a collage of the family which I want to put in the living room. I have no picture of you because as you know, your dad is not into it, so I can either take some of you now or you find one you like and I'll put it in'. You don't have one, you don't want to take your picture, fine, are you ok if the collage doesn't include any of your picture? Yes, ok, it's all good then. Very Easy! that would make my DSC feel very awkward indeed. All that fussing.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2021 18:14

Love this! He needs to ask to make his own? What a lucky man to have such say in his own home!

My thoughts exactly.

Perhaps he should just do a collage with him and all his kids and leave her out of it.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 18:16

@vivainsomnia

If OP is unhappy at the lack of pictures in a collage then the solution is to ask his wife if he can remake it with them in or make his own one Love this! He needs to ask to make his own? What a lucky man to have such say in his own home!

I do think some people really have an issue with control.

Ok let me amend my post to make it clearer:

If OP is unhappy at the lack of pictures in a collage then the solution is to ask his wife if he can have access to the account or file she used to remake it with them included to save him having to start from scratch. He will need to ask to obtain access to this, this is not controlling, he just needs the log on details. Or if this is not possible is is able to make his own one WITHOUT asking for access to anything but he would have to source the photos.

Is that better?!

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 18:18

Let's be clear here, I don't think anyone needs permission to make a collage of whatever they like in their home. There might have to be discussions if it looks shit or excuses a family member and this may cause upset. Or if it contains offensive imagery. Etc.

Voicefancier · 21/08/2021 18:23

[quote RedMarauder]@Nightlystroll

has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

In other words he hasn't bothered to talk to his wife.

I tell women to do the same on other threads.

I've also told one half of couples in rl to do the same.[/quote]
Fair enough. 🙂

vivainsomnia · 21/08/2021 18:42

Is that better?!
Of course, it is, but it is quite puzzling that you wrote what you wrote in the first place.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 18:44

@vivainsomnia

Is that better?! Of course, it is, but it is quite puzzling that you wrote what you wrote in the first place.

I didn't think I needed to write out in full that he needed to ask if he can amend the existing file or whatever it was to make his own. I (perhaps naively) assumed it would be obvious he didnt need permission. Same as the wife doesn't.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 18:45

And I've just missed out a comma or something maybe, but there's no way anyone should be asking permission to make a collage.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 19:13

in other words he hasn't bothered to talk to his wife
See, I would read that as him noticing that she hasn't offered and it therefore being obvious that she doesn't want to help.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 19:21

Sofa, would you genuinely feel the same the other way around? As already compared, if your DH decided to make a picture book of your wedding, he chose pictures and totally left out your mum or sister, and when you questioned it, he told you that you need to take the lead for your family, and if you wanted a book to include your mum, it was up to you to do one, would you really say 'oh ok, you're right, that's all good? Because if that's the case, it explains your reaction, but you need to appreciate that it really isn't the norm in relationships and that although each have separate responsibilities, there is an unsaid expectation that there will be some inclusivity of actions and behaviours and this is one that most would ideal not fall under 'my' and 'your' duty.

Depends on the context. If it was our official/only wedding album and we'd discussed mutual interest in it, I would expect my mum to be included. If it was just an arty thing my DH had put together, amongst other pictures from our wedding including my mum, and it didn't have my mum in it, I wouldn't apply guilt for not having included her. I would just say "oo can I put this one in too" if there was something I wanted.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 19:31

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

in other words he hasn't bothered to talk to his wife See, I would read that as him noticing that she hasn't offered and it therefore being obvious that she doesn't want to help.

That relies on the wife noticing though. She might not. She's not a mind reader, he needs to ask.

RedMarauder · 21/08/2021 21:10

That relies on the wife noticing though. She might not. She's not a mind reader, he needs to ask.

Agreed.

We don't know the history of their relationship plus how his other children's mother acted when they got together, so she may have very justified reasons for not noticing and not offering.

The posts just show that there are communication issues between the OP and wife.

sassbott · 21/08/2021 21:29

Yes you are unreasonable ‘expecting’ something if you have failed to communicate it.
My partner has done this previously (it lead to us breaking up for a significant period of time). He expected me to want to do things. When I didn’t, it caused issues. Why didn’t I want to do them? A variety of reasons.

So here’s my advice.

you want photos of your kids up, put them up. And quit moaning about stupid stuff
the collage - I would have addressed that immediately. darling that’s lovely, fab photos. But we’re missing some of the older two. Can I pop a few in? And wait to see the reaction. If there is resistance, I would listen and try to understand why.
if you would like her help - ask her.

The key here is communication. If the adults in these situations cannot communicate and listen and try and work as a team, then this stuff piles up and resentment can breed.

Booboosweet · 21/08/2021 21:53

She's being awful to your kids. How are you putting up with this.

OiPanda · 21/08/2021 22:19

@HeWhoRemained is she actually ignoring them? Or just busy. Do you help with your joint child?

OiPanda · 21/08/2021 22:19

And have you asked her for help? Or just expected her to guess?

Greystray · 21/08/2021 22:36

Speak to her. My guess is that she always secretly resented your kids but now she has provided you with the precious fruit of her loins she feels confident enough to let it show.

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