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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

243 replies

HeWhoRemained · 20/08/2021 11:51

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 21/08/2021 12:16

So what happens if I want to make a collage? It would look shit if there's a really old one of them in it
Surely it is obvious, you ask their dad for a recent pic or take one yourself of them the next time they come. It's really not hard when you mean well.

If you say so, but to me it would be a neutral act. Either because, as I said in my previous comment which you didn't address, this collage was not "The Family Collage" but was just one arty project among many
But it's not just about you though. If it is upsetting for your OH and SCs, then surely it's not neutral. Unless you intend to just put it somewhere where your OH and SCs will never see it.

Sometimes this is just what it's like in families
Not healthy families, it really isn't. I would not want a collage on the wall with one of my children missing. I don't care if the pictures of one of them is them making faces, if that brings me with a smile on my face reminding me of fun times, and even if it's a bit blurry. If my OH did such a collage, with selective people on it, I would it in his car and tell him that's where it belongs, where only he gets to enjoy it.

candlelightsatdawn · 21/08/2021 12:18

I'm really conscious that the OP mentioned he had two children with ex wife and that only the eldest was left out of the collage... so by proxy she included youngest SC in the collage.

So truth be told this may have just been a oversight or she didn't have a nice photo of eldest. Maybe older one doesn't like photos being taken. Ours doesn't.

Anyone else think that's a rather deliberate way to make it look like there negative intention when it actually could have been a mistake...

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 12:18

Surely it is obvious, you ask their dad for a recent pic or take one yourself of them the next time they come. It's really not hard when you mean well. their dad is shit at taking photos. They don't like having their picture taken and always hate it. What am I meant to do? Make them feel uncomfortable in their own home?

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 12:20

Sofa of course it's a family collage if it contains pictures of everyone including the dog!
It's not right to go through life taking a view that if an action is not for your benefit, you don't have to think about it or consider the effects on other people. Not where the feelings of children are concerned, at any rate.
Take some nice pictures of your dss!

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 12:21

I think OP meant eldest as in eldest two.

lap90 · 21/08/2021 12:43

It's not unreasonable to expect your wife to say hello or goodnight to your children. It's pretty basic stuff.

A family photo collage leaving out photos of your kids is shitty behaviour. If she didn't have any photos, she could have asked.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 12:55

But it's not just about you though. If it is upsetting for your OH and SCs, then surely it's not neutral. Unless you intend to just put it somewhere where your OH and SCs will never see it. Sometimes this is just what it's like in families Not healthy families, it really isn't. I would not want a collage on the wall with one of my children missing. I don't care if the pictures of one of them is them making faces, if that brings me with a smile on my face reminding me of fun times, and even if it's a bit blurry. If my OH did such a collage, with selective people on it, I would it in his car and tell him that's where it belongs, where only he gets to enjoy it.

Yes, and if those blurry pictures of his kid make him smile HE CAN PUT ONE IN THERE OR ASK FOR IT. I'm not going to take the lead, because it's not for me and it doesn't make me smile.

And things that are upsetting to one's are not always valid. I would find it upsetting if I was busy looking after a one year old and my husband kept guilt tripping me about saying hello to his kids. I wouldn't consider me not actively being the one to source out pictures of his kids to be more upsetting than that.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2021 13:16

@vivainsomnia

Unsurprisingly, there are quite a few posts that wil just excuse any behaviour from the SM because... she's a SM.

You're right. Blind defence because she's a SM. She can't even fake it and this is how some SMs think the SC won't feel like an inconvenience.

It didn't slip her mind not to include them. She doesn't want then in the photo.

She wants it to just be you, her and the baby as a family. Your kids are now an irritation, which she has to tolerate.

That's why she should have found a childfree man.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

sofaleaving the children out of things like a family collage isn't a neutral action. If a step parent isn't thinking about these things, then they ought to be! The dad didn't know it was being made socouldn'ttake the lead on including his DC. And really, he shouldn't have to make a point of saying 'please include my children' - it should be done automatically because they are children belonging to the family unit, even though they aren't the wife's.

I totally agree with you.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2021 13:20

Regarding the picture, I had a friend who arranged a photoshoot, not including her DHs other child and he just went to pick his DS up. My friend was fuming. She wanted it to be just her kids with him and he said, he's not pretending his DS doesn't exist.

Now, I understand her wanting just her kids and her DH... but when you marry a man with kids, you can't do all the things you may want to in this regard.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 13:36

sofa lots of people do things which don't 'make them smile' because it shows caring for the people they supposedly love. If I was your husband is be wondering if you even liked me, if what you are posting here plays out in your relationship.
And it's really not that onerous to say hello to someone. Looking after a one year old doesn't keep you so busy that you can't even find the time/energy to greet your child's sibling.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 13:39

@SandyY2K

Now, I understand her wanting just her kids and her DH... but when you marry a man with kids, you can't do all the things you may want to in this regard.

I get the point but I do hope her DH paid for his share of the shoot and let her have some photos of just her, him and their child. And he can have some of him and his DS. The different families within a stepfamily shouldn't be forgotten imo.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 13:41

And it's really not that onerous to say hello to someone. Looking after a one year old doesn't keep you so busy that you can't even find the time/energy to greet your child's sibling. it depends what sort of greeting is expected. A simple yelling hello from wherever I am, fine. Or when I next see them. But it seems ridiculous to me to have to stop what I'm doing, come to the door and greet them like visitors. They live here. I don't greet my DH like that whenever he walks through the door. I don't think OP has been clear enough exactly what they are expecting and if his wife is actually ignoring them.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 13:52

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

sofa lots of people do things which don't 'make them smile' because it shows caring for the people they supposedly love. If I was your husband is be wondering if you even liked me, if what you are posting here plays out in your relationship. And it's really not that onerous to say hello to someone. Looking after a one year old doesn't keep you so busy that you can't even find the time/energy to greet your child's sibling.

Yes there are lots of things people do which don't make them smile - and in this case that thing would be not objecting to photos of DSC being put up. I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves.

It's not onerous to say hello but it's also just not something that everybody views as essential in order to prove you care about somebody, as several people have described on this thread. The way OP says he "has to remind her" to do this and that rings alarm bells to me. He doesn't "have" to, and his obvious resentment about her not proactively displaying her warm and fuzzies and desire to provide childcare for his kids comes across as really, really annoying, if that in any way filters into those moments he "has to remind her" to act the way he wants her to.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 13:55

You're right. Blind defence because she's a SM. She can't even fake it and this is how some SMs think the SC won't feel like an inconvenience. It didn't slip her mind not to include them. She doesn't want then in the photo. She wants it to just be you, her and the baby as a family. Your kids are now an irritation, which she has to tolerate. That's why she should have found a childfree man.

She didn't object to him putting up pictures of his kids, she just didn't do it herself. That is not the same thing. One is unreasonable, the other is not.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 14:03

I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves.

Sofa, there's no getting you to see what's wrong here since your step children's happiness isn't important to you at all. And neither is their father's feelings, seemingly.
Honestly, I don't think you are cut out to be a step parent.

Strictly1 · 21/08/2021 14:11

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves.

I agree with this. Would you be happy with your child having to spend time in a home where they're clearly not wanted?

candlelightsatdawn · 21/08/2021 14:14

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves.

Without being blunt @MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously it's the internet, it's highly unlikely everyone is going to agree on a certain topic. You have yours and Sofa has hers - which places the responsibility for photo collaging at DH if he doesn't like it. Which tbh is fair.

I have seen women on here blasted for putting photos of their SC not on the walls as it's not their right they are only a SM .

It's ultimately not shocking some women nope out on this completely and go yup it's not my place. Dammed if you do dammed if you don't here 😩

nevergoesaway · 21/08/2021 14:24

From reading this board it seems clear that there are some stepmothers who get criticism no matter what, purely because they’re a stepmother. However, I’ve noticed that there are some who will always get defended too, purely for the same reason, no matter how they act.

It’s also pretty obvious that there are some step parents who absolutely can’t stand their stepchildren and just about tolerate them for the sake of being with the dad. That’s fair enough, because I wouldn’t want to live with children who aren’t mine for part of the week. So I wouldn’t do it, because when you have this much contempt or even indifference to a child, they WILL notice eventually.

Youseethethingis · 21/08/2021 14:28

This thread is a bit funny.
Even my mother has a picture of my DSD in her photo collage. Wouldn't leave her out, every other family member (including the deceased rabbit) is on there. It's a very large collage in fairness.
I'm all for SMs not being expected to treat their step kids like their own, as I think it's unrealistic and can lead to all sorts of problems, however I do think it's a fair expectation that they should be treated as if they exist as family member.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 14:36

Without being blunt @MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously it's the internet, it's highly unlikely everyone is going to agree on a certain topic. You have yours and Sofa has hers - which places the responsibility for photo collaging at DH if he doesn't like it. Which tbh is fair. I have seen women on here blasted for putting photos of their SC not on the walls as it's not their right they are only a SM . It's ultimately not shocking some women nope out on this completely and go yup it's not my place. Dammed if you do dammed if you don't here 😩

Yep, thankyou for this comment I appreciate it.

I don't in any way object to photos of DSS being included. I just don't expect to live with an undercurrent of DP thinking "why doesn't she put pictures of my kids up, why doesn't she offer to have them by herself, why doesn't she etc etc etc". If he wants those things he is very welcome to do them himself, or ask me to do them. The quiet resentment about me not instigating them myself would just really irritate me. He should be the one to take the lead when it comes to his son.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 14:37

Candle, you can be blunt, I don't mind . I've had my arse handed to me lots on MN over the years.
I don't remember the threads where people object to a step parent putting a picture of the DC up in the home, so I'm assuming those people are the children's other parent? If so, that's equally batshit, since it deliberately 'others' their own DC and their opinion on this shouldn't hold any weight to the step parent, if what they are doing makes the children feel welcome and the dad/mum feel like the kids are not merely tolerated but are recognised as full members of the family.

Honestly I'd think it a bit weird to say to my spouse that I would take control of all collages in future, since that way I could ensure my children were represented. Surely it would just be nicer if the step mum wanted to include them, if not for herself, then for her husband or the children's own sakes. Sometimes things aren't technically a person's responsibility, but are done by that person just because it's thoughtful and creates a nicer environment for everyone.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/08/2021 14:40

Sofa, I do agree that primarily the responsibility for your dss is with your husband and you shouldn't feel obliged to do parenting that you don't want to do.
It's only that if I was making something that was including the whole family, to leave out the step children would feel so pointed.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2021 14:43

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves.

Both of their feelings are important to me. I just expect my DP to take the lead on things for his son. If he complained to me that I wasn't doing enough things like this, I would tell him I assumed since he did not say anything when I put the pictures up, or do any of those things himself that it wasn't important to him, and ask him why didn't he? I would think it very rich of him to complain to me when he himself does not do these things. How often are women moaned at by their partners because they themselves cannot be bothered to do the things she does put in the effort of doing - ie, regularly taking nice pictures of her kids and caring about putting them up. This is not a drama if he just bothered to do those things himself.

Yahtze · 21/08/2021 14:50

The collage is really mean spirited. I am a stepchild and my stepmother did the same thing to me. Now that I'm a stepmother there isn't one single photo of just my husband and I with our two. All family photos include ALL the kids. You need to take it down and explain how excluded this will make them feel and add in some photos of them.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 14:51

How often are women moaned at by their partners because they themselves cannot be bothered to do the things she does put in the effort of doing - ie, regularly taking nice pictures of her kids and caring about putting them up. This is not a drama if he just bothered to do those things himself

Exactly. If my DH showed any interest in doing these things then he can have a say in it. It's his responsibility to make sure DSC are happy in their home ultimately. If OP is unhappy at the lack of pictures in a collage then the solution is to ask his wife if he can remake it with them in or make his own one. Not control his wife.

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