Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore maybe she is run off her feet with the younger one? Do you help with the younger one. Do you all eat together? Ones kids get old enough they like to go and play by themselves a lot but there are things like films and meals and maybe trying to get them to play a board game you could do.

@Nextchapterofmybook

Personally I couldn’t live with someone who treated my kids like that. And I wouldn’t want my kids growing up in that environment. People run their families in all different ways, there is no right and wrong, just what’s right for you. Some people have that type of arrangement and are fine with it. I’d hate it personally. Sounds like you and your wife are on different pages of how a blended family should work.

I wouldn’t be tolerating it either. This is why I’d never have more children with someone else. I would be very straight forward and say that the children are treated equally or this ends and I certainly wouldn’t be financially supporting a partner as they have opted out of working then having to do extra myself when they are free to do it.

She's being quite smart really because we see endless complaints on here from step mums who've dutifully done the whole "we're one family I treat them as my own" thing and ended up being regarded as free childcare.

It's rude for her not to say hi or goodbye though... that's the thing I'd tackle rather than expecting childcare or photos etc which you should be arranging yourself

On a completely different side, I would not fully support any adult who then refused to assist me with any activities that are a part of my household responsibility. I have no patience with the notion that I will gladly stay at home and let you financially support me in full and yet pick and choose those of your obligations with which I am willing to provide assistance. In such a situation, I would insist that my partner work outside of the home even if their total earnings were used to pay for child care. I never understand the willingness to accept more from you than I in turn am prepared to do for you.

How very odd and unboundaried. The OP's partner is discharging the specific shared responsibility of raising their child, not signing up to be a slave.

You tencourage the OP to consider the idea of forcing his partner to spend to work and spend her entire earnings on childcare when in fact the OP would always have to cough up half of that, apparently just to punish her for not being willing to discharge every responsibility that the OP might have.

Very, very strange and dismissive of the benefits to the child of having a fantastic mother interacting with them most of each day. Misogyny is alive and well.

Op you seem to be mixing up a while host of different issues…

For me the things in your post I would be concerned about are you saying that she doesn’t even say goodnight or hello to them. To be that’s just basic manners and what you would do for any child in your home, regardless of their relationship to you. Are you saying your wife just ignores them and doesn’t acknowledge their arrival or departure at all??

You are being unreasonable about the child care issue and the photos. If you want photos of your children up, then take responsibility for putting them up. If your children need childcare it is your (and their own mothers) responsibility to sort that.

I am a stepmums, I had stepparents and I am a mum. I am shocked by your post.

If she wanted nothing to do with your children (how old are they btw?) then why did she get involved with you?

Surely she can see how hurtful it is for photos of the three of you to appear on the walls and no sign of them. I don't understand the posters saying get the photos yourself, yes of course you can (and potentially are already doing) do this but it still sends the message loud and clear that there are two separate units in operation. How awful for your children. Where is her compassion?

Not being an unpaid maid is one thing but never ever helping you with emergencychildcare is quite another. In an emergency I'd expect a friend, sibling, grandparent to help if they could and I would reciprocate too. She doesn't sound kind. It doesn't sound like a partnership.

I don't profess to have things all worked out in my blended family but I can tell you this - DP is playing golf today so I'm picking his daughter up and taking her out for dinner. Part of his Christmas present was a wall collage of photos of us and all of his children. When organising holidays or trips I check suitable dates for all children.

And I am in no way a mug, he does his fair share (probably more) in the household. I don't have separate children but I know if I did they would be welcomed. If a family member of mine got sick (just as an example) i know they'd be welcome to come and live with us no question.

What you have described to me honestly appalls me. I would recommend some therapy for some open conversations and if she isn't seeing you all as the one family (a blended family is still a family, she doesn't have to be their mother to be an adult who cares for them) I would honestly be reassessing my living plans.

I may be biased as I spent my teens with a stepparent who clearly didn't want me there and it had big repercussions for me.

On a completely different side, I would not fully support any adult who then refused to assist me with any activities that are a part of my household responsibility. I have no patience with the notion that I will gladly stay at home and let you financially support me in full and yet pick and choose those of your obligations with which I am willing to provide assistance. In such a situation, I would insist that my partner work outside of the home even if their total earnings were used to pay for child care. I never understand the willingness to accept more from you than I in turn am prepared to do for you.

His wife provides her TIME staying at home in order to save them money on childcare for their joint child. Why does this then mean she personally owes his older children something?

He gets to work without worrying about his career due to childcare, which undoubtedly benefits his older children. So I’d say the op’s wife’s time works in his older children’s favour too.

I certainly wouldn’t be financially supporting a partner as they have opted out of working then having to do extra myself when they are free to do it.

The wife looks after their shared child so he doesn't have to. Presumably OP pays his ex maintenance for their shared child.

Not being an unpaid maid is one thing but never ever helping you with emergencychildcare is quite another. In an emergency I'd expect a friend, sibling, grandparent to help if they could and I would reciprocate too. She doesn't sound kind. It doesn't sound like a partnership. OP hasn't even asked her! Give her a chance, in an emergency she might say yes if asked.

If she's genuinely being impolite to them at certain times that's not right but before you ' blame' her for this take a good look at your dc's behaviour towards her. Are they being rude and impolite to her? My exdp's dc would never say hi, goodbye to me & it was beyond infuriating.
Re photos: it's not up to her to sort photos of your dc - that's your job.
Re childcare: if she won't help out in a genuine emergency that's not great, but just because she's a sahm does not mean she's now default childcare for when you feel you're struggling. Your children are there to see you, not her, & it's up to you to organise yourself for that.
Re not being bothered with your dc: she probably isn't.
I wasn't bothered with my exdp's dc & he wasn't bothered with mine. He got on great with them & was lovely to them but he did no parenting of them (I never asked & wouldn't have asked as they have two parents) & if they weren't around it was no bother to him.
You seem to be expecting your dp to slot into a typical carer/house manager role just because she's at home.

It doesn't work like that.
I wonder did she genuinely want to stay at home or did you heavily encourage it?

@RedMarauder

Instead of moaning on here you need to talk to your wife

Er, that's sort of the point of mumsnet. Or does your comment only apply to men?

literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight'

My DSC would freak out if I did this! They're all tucked up in bed, their dad says night they don't need me sticking my head round wishing them sweet dreams etc. That's a parents role. I say goodnight if I happen to see them and they say oh I'm off to bed now.

there's not enough information here to really be able to get an idea of whether she is reasonable or not. Has she always been like this or did it change much since she gave birth? Did she ever raised issues with your children behaviour? Could it be that she doesn't agree with the way you discipline them but instead of expecting you to change your ways, is just backing away.

How are your eldest reacting to it all? Are they glad that she is in the background? Or are they upset?

As for looking after them, again, does she feel she can discipline them? Do they listen to her? Does she think they are well behaved children or does she sees them as difficult?

What's the arrangement in terms of work/staying at home? Does she intend to go back to work and provide financially or will she remain a SAHM? Are you happy with her being a SAHM or would you prefer she went back to work?

Ultimately, if being a SAHM means that the finances are tight, so you don't have much as a family to pay for childcare for your eldest when they are will you, but she would rather not go back to work to provide towards herself and your youngest, I don't think it's unreasonable to have some expectation that she would help at least in exceptional basis.

Have you ever had any discussions about all this?

@Nightlystroll

has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

In other words he hasn't bothered to talk to his wife.

I tell women to do the same on other threads.

I've also told one half of couples in rl to do the same.

Thanks.

There does definitely seem to have been a change since our child was born yes. She seemed a lot more interested in interacting with them then, I don't mean parenting but in terms of asking how their days were, getting involved in conversations etc...

Anout the pictures, the main one that sticks in my mind was she got two big collage frames for the living room and bedroom and filled them with various pictures, our DC, us together, us and our DC, even the dog. She didn't put or ask for a single picture of my eldest to put in there.

I did actually put some up myself of them in frames myself, but I thought it was a bit off to fill a big collage frame of all things like that (when I wasn't there by the way, I had no idea she was doing it) and not think to even ask for a single picture of my DC for it.

It’s not her ‘job’ to be anything other than polite and respectful to your other children, they aren’t hers.

She is busy with a 1 year old, and probably tired.

You want photos up? Take them, frame them and put them up yourself. They are your children.

In regards to saying hi/bye, do THEY say it to her? Or is she just expected to make all the effort?

The baby is 1 year old, why do so many people think that staying home to raise a child is sponging from their DH? It’s hard (and expensive!) work.

@HeWhoRemained

Thanks.

There does definitely seem to have been a change since our child was born yes. She seemed a lot more interested in interacting with them then, I don't mean parenting but in terms of asking how their days were, getting involved in conversations etc...

Anout the pictures, the main one that sticks in my mind was she got two big collage frames for the living room and bedroom and filled them with various pictures, our DC, us together, us and our DC, even the dog. She didn't put or ask for a single picture of my eldest to put in there.

I did actually put some up myself of them in frames myself, but I thought it was a bit off to fill a big collage frame of all things like that (when I wasn't there by the way, I had no idea she was doing it) and not think to even ask for a single picture of my DC for it.

Take them down and add pictures quickly of your older DC. I’d have removed it the same day.

Ah a big family collage thing without them in it does seem a bit odd. Maybe she doesn't have any photos of them? Could you offer to pay and arrange for it to be done again with some photos of them added?

It is really sad that you are experiencing a divide within your family. I’d speak to your wife as it may be something she isn’t aware you are feeling. A baby is such an exciting event and for your wife this is her first experience becoming a mother. She might just be occupied with this and not deliberately making less effort with your older children. I think you should speak to your wife about the behaviour you’ve noticed that concerns you and led to the sense of divide within the household. But you should also reach out to your children to ask that they too get involved. Perhaps you could arrange an activity to bring everyone together after your desperate chats, so they can see how enjoyable spending time together can be

I would get that collage straight off the wall OP. What a horrible thing to do.

The photos thing is mean. Not saying goodnight etc is a bit meh. Expecting her to offer to help with your kids, no way.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem that you wife wanted a collage of photos documenting the first few months of her baby’s life. It does matter where it’s displayed though. Could you ask you wife to either swap out a pic for one including all 3 kids (maybe provide an individual frame and suggested place to display the pic it will replace) OR tell her you’re worried the kids will feel excluded if it’s displayed in a common area and ask her to move it to your bedroom or another space that’s more hers and not really for the kids. -or to your youngest’s bedroom.

I agree with you about the collage. That was really quite unkind and I would be quite concerned that she didn't think enough about them, or you, to include them. It says very clearly that she doesn't consider them to be her family unit. But they are yours and your shared baby's and so she should be welcoming. Children do notice these little slights and if you allow your wife to behave this way it will hurt them and the relationship you have with them.
Re childcare, I don't believe that a sahm owes you childcare and to be fair it isn't you suggesting it. But as your partner she does owe you help and support and a loving wife wouldn't see you struggle when she could easily help you out.
Honestly, I'd be worried about this relationship. If she used to be nicer towards them, is it possible there's some PND?

Never mind the collages or anything else. The main concern for me would be how this affects your children when they are in your home?

This is not about what 'job' it is or not to be a SM, it's about a change of attitude and an emotional exclusion of the kids.

You are not saying much OP about their relationship, so no one can really help you. Talk to her. It all likelihood, she is not happy about something and has opted to retreat rather than deal with it. Maybe because she's tried to discuss it with you but feel she's got nowhere, or maybe because she never really cared for them but made an effort to 'win' you, and now that she has your baby, she feels she can just pretend your kids don't exist.

Either way, you need to confront her about it.

Your wife is an adult and these children are in their home. She needs to pull her big girl pants on and starting acting like an adult- not a soilt teenager.

I am completely in the camp that does not get why SPs can not be involved in parenting / looking after a child that is in their own home. Not default childcare but not watching their partner run around trying to fid someone to look after them when there is a grown adult they know sitting in their home.

Your wife needs to grow up, learn some basic manners and stop damaging these children emotionally. They will have noticed.