Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

That relies on the wife noticing though. She might not. She's not a mind reader, he needs to ask.

It's common sense and doesn't require the skills of mind reading or telepathy to help. This kind of attitude can destroy relationships and cause resentment.

You can see when your partner is struggling with something...it doesn't have to be help with their kids. It could be anything....I'm not saying to be taken advantage of, or be used as the default babysitter.

These kind of things are what a loving supportive partner does and I would expect appreciation for doing it.

If you can't be supportive and have such a hands off approach, it will simply create a divide in the family and the SM and possibly the joint child will also be negatively affected by it.

This attitude of disengaging comes once SM is well settled in, because if she was like this in the first place... she knows damn well a half sensible man wouldn't be with her, while she's so off with his kids.

I recall a post a few months ago, where the OP said her DP ended the relationship because she pretty much disengaged from the SC once she had their child. She regretted her behaviour, but it was too late.

Soon enough her kid will be treated as she treated the SC...nobody wins in the end. So maturity and common sense would go a long way.

She is in a difficult position. Your elder two already have two parents who should be doing the parenting, they don't need her input, although obviously saying hello and including them in things is the nice thing to do.

My ex's new woman keeps trying to interfere in the raising of our ds, and it really isn't welcome. It is not her place to decide whether our ds will go vegetarian, take which gcses etc. I've had to tell her to mind her own business on several occasions.

Perhaps your dw is tactfully trying to keep out of things that are not her concern.

This attitude of disengaging comes once SM is well settled in, because if she was like this in the first place... she knows damn well a half sensible man wouldn't be with her, while she's so off with his kids
I do wonder whether this was part of a masterplan:

1. be super nice to his kids
2. get pregnant
3. start ignoring his kids
4. enjoy a happy family life Is it likely something else has been going on to get to this point? She might have been reading MN and what happens to SM who get too involved for all we know. I still think alot of the behaviour is potentially rude and even a bit childish, I just also think that the majority of people in life are good people who start things with good intentions and other factors influence how things go. Whether that's the case here is for OP to reflect on.

You can see when your partner is struggling with something...it doesn't have to be help with their kids. It could be anything....I'm not saying to be taken advantage of, or be used as the default babysitter.

I can if its like cooking or cleaning but if my DH is trying desperately to sort out childcare by text and hasnt even asked me im genuinely not going to know.

If it was just an arty thing my DH had put together, amongst other pictures from our wedding including my mum, and it didn't have my mum in it, I wouldn't apply guilt for not having included her. I would just say "oo can I put this one in too" if there was something I wanted
Even if you'd started noticing that your OH was not himself with your mum as he used to, polite, but not bothering to say hello to her when she came over, not offering to help when your mum needs it and he is in the perfect situation to offer that help when you can't.

I think some posters are missing the point of OP post. It's not a case of individual issues, that alone are meaningless, it's instances that indicate, all together, that something is off.

My guess is that she always secretly resented your kids but now she has provided you with the precious fruit of her loins she feels confident enough to let it show

Sadly, this is the most likely scenario, and what OP is starting to fear, and the reason behind his first post. Sadly, he hasn't come back to say more and I don't blame him.

Even if you'd started noticing that your OH was not himself with your mum as he used to, polite, but not bothering to say hello to her when she came over, not offering to help when your mum needs it and he is in the perfect situation to offer that help when you can't. I think some posters are missing the point of OP post. It's not a case of individual issues, that alone are meaningless, it's instances that indicate, all together, that something is off.

Eeerm no, if my DP was busy being the primary carer for our baby and was still perfectly polite to my mum, but I kept nagging at him that he wasn't saying hello and goodbye specifically, or offering to do things for her (which would be a pretty cheeky thing to nag him about imo) then I would expect him to be off with ME, and by extension less patient with dealing with my family. Because I was being really annoying and pushy.

We all read situations differently when we're just reading one person's account and don't know the dispositions of the people involved. Perhaps OPs wife is cold and hateful. To me, it reads like she's dealing with a young baby and is just trying to get on with things, and OP is putting pressure on her to not only do more for his kids, but WANT to and be the one thinking and worrying about it. That is probably pushing her away and breeding the resentment some assume was always there.

Your elder two already have two parents who should be doing the parenting, they don't need her input

He's not talking about her parenting here. Its clear the change had come since she had their baby.

Perhaps your dw is tactfully trying to keep out of things that are not her concern.

Only since having her baby though. The point is she's changed...why is that so hard for people to accept?

My guess is that she always secretly resented your kids but now she has provided you with the precious fruit of her loins she feels confident enough to let it show

Absolutely...bang on. Now she knows it's not so easy for him to just end things, because he has a kid with her. He doesn't want 2 sets of kids and neither living with him full time. She's confident to show her true colours.

I think some posters are missing the point of OP post. It's not a case of individual issues, that alone are meaningless, it's instances that indicate, all together, that something is off.

Correct. It's not just the collage or the saying hello....he can see her overall attitude towards his kids has changed....she's disengaged. Now if she was always this way....he would have seen it.
The blind defence is just irritating, when we know SMs have openly confessed here, that since having their own child, they either can't stand, resent or are irritated by the SC.

I can if its like cooking or cleaning but if my DH is trying desperately to sort out childcare by text and hasnt even asked me im genuinely not going to know.

Even in the scenario you describe, if he was in the same room as you and was desperately trying to sort childcare out via text, his body language and facial expression, would be an indicator that something is wrong. Most people would at least ask if everything's ok...nobody is expecting you to be Mystic Meg....just use common sense, although it's probably not as common as it suggests with people.

Again...I'm not saying SM is the default childcare, but if you're partner is visibly struggling/trying to sort something out/seems harassed by an issue....a loving supportive partner would at least show concern.

This SM attitude leads to dad overcompensating with his older kids and can ultimately backfire...as SM notices the difference in his treatment of his kids vs their kids.

We all read situations differently when we're just reading one person's account and don't know the dispositions of the people involved.

Yet when a SM posts here, she's taken at her word (by other SMs) and no question of the characters of others involved. Now his word is questioned...because it's about his wife the SM. Common.

We usually only have one account to go on..so why is this situation any different.

*Yet when a SM posts here, she's taken at her word (by other SMs) and no question of the characters of others involved. Now his word is questioned...because it's about his wife the SM. Common.

We usually only have one account to go on..so why is this situation any different.*

Why are you constantly trying to make a point about people always agreeing with SMs? I don't always agree with SMs on principle, I just often do because the arguments explored are the same one's that always come up. My point is that I read OPs description of what was going on differently to the poster who was quoting me, and to me it reads, even from the horse's mouth, like he is the one being unreasonable. I am taking him at his word. From his word, I think he is in the wrong.

Isn't it the responsibility of whoever enters and leaves the home to say hi and bye

I come home and shout hi to dc and find dh to give him a kiss - vice versa. When dss comes home his dad prompts him to find me and say hello to me. He is also supposed to say bye, like my dc say bye when they leave to go out. How is it up to the person who is already home to know when someone is coming home or leaving?

Isn't it the responsibility of whoever enters and leaves the home to say hi and bye

Yes I think OP hasn't provided enough info. Like are the kids coming in and saying HIIIIIII OP'S WIFE! and then she's blanking them? Or is OP expecting her to rush to the door and be all like HELLLOOOOO as soon as they pull up into the drive.

@StarryNight468

Isn't it the responsibility of whoever enters and leaves the home to say hi and bye

I come home and shout hi to dc and find dh to give him a kiss - vice versa. When dss comes home his dad prompts him to find me and say hello to me. He is also supposed to say bye, like my dc say bye when they leave to go out. How is it up to the person who is already home to know when someone is coming home or leaving?

Yup. Basic good manners that need to be taught by the parents.

@StarryNight468

Isn't it the responsibility of whoever enters and leaves the home to say hi and bye

I come home and shout hi to dc and find dh to give him a kiss - vice versa. When dss comes home his dad prompts him to find me and say hello to me. He is also supposed to say bye, like my dc say bye when they leave to go out. How is it up to the person who is already home to know when someone is coming home or leaving?

Absolutely. Imagine I'm sitting in my living room and someone comes into the house, it's common courtesy for them to say hello, and me to return that greeting.

Similarly, if someone is leaving the house and I'm upstairs in the bedroom, I'd expect them to shout bye to me as they leave, if only so I know they're not still in the house.

It's very basic manners.

@SandyY2K

That relies on the wife noticing though. She might not. She's not a mind reader, he needs to ask.

It's common sense and doesn't require the skills of mind reading or telepathy to help. This kind of attitude can destroy relationships and cause resentment.

You can see when your partner is struggling with something...it doesn't have to be help with their kids. It could be anything....I'm not saying to be taken advantage of, or be used as the default babysitter.

These kind of things are what a loving supportive partner does and I would expect appreciation for doing it.

If you can't be supportive and have such a hands off approach, it will simply create a divide in the family and the SM and possibly the joint child will also be negatively affected by it.

This attitude of disengaging comes once SM is well settled in, because if she was like this in the first place... she knows damn well a half sensible man wouldn't be with her, while she's so off with his kids.

I recall a post a few months ago, where the OP said her DP ended the relationship because she pretty much disengaged from the SC once she had their child. She regretted her behaviour, but it was too late.

Soon enough her kid will be treated as she treated the SC...nobody wins in the end. So maturity and common sense would go a long way.

Absolutely agree

"Why are you constantly trying to make a point about people always agreeing with SMs? I don't always agree with SMs on principle, I just often do because the arguments explored are the same one's that always come up"

My observation on these threads is exactly the same. SM here are generally agreed with, just based on principle. Anyone who criticises an SM, even for an obviously just reason, is shoed away.

@Tomtomsokillis

"Why are you constantly trying to make a point about people always agreeing with SMs? I don't always agree with SMs on principle, I just often do because the arguments explored are the same one's that always come up"

My observation on these threads is exactly the same. SM here are generally agreed with, just based on principle. Anyone who criticises an SM, even for an obviously just reason, is shoed away.

I wouldn't say shooed away. There is a very strong school of opinion on both sides, up until recently the supportive SM perspective didn't even come close to matching the other side. It barely is on this thread.

I don't think the answer to sm bashing is to equally take an unreasonable stance and support any batshit sm. That'd just make bashers feel right.

I was just reading some of the pp. "I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves."

Don't you think it's not that clear cut? What you said there means you don't give a shite about your dsc's happiness and its all up to his Df? But an action of excluding dsc deliberately from a collage as he/she " does not bring a smile to your face" would effect him, as they'd see those photos and know exactly that you're just tolerating them but they mean nothing to you? Would that be OK with you that they know you feel this way, and they are are upset by it?

We all read situations differently when we're just reading one person's account and don't know the dispositions of the people involved
I agree, and indeed, OP has not said much which is why I did say that we couldn't really comment on his situation.

Saying that, I don't think I have ever read any post of yours when you thought the SM was doing anything wrong.

*I agree, and indeed, OP has not said much which is why I did say that we couldn't really comment on his situation.

Saying that, I don't think I have ever read any post of yours when you thought the SM was doing anything wrong.*

That's because it's genuinely quite rare (though it does happen) that I do think they are in the wrong on here, or at least, not to the extent a lot of the usual suspects condemn them as being, so even if I do disagree with some points it ends up being eclipsed by how much I disagree with the tone of the other comments.

@Tomtomsokillis

I don't think the answer to sm bashing is to equally take an unreasonable stance and support any batshit sm. That'd just make bashers feel right.

I was just reading some of the pp. "I'm not about to accept a guilt trip about me not caring enough to instigate it when the person responsible for the child's happiness and to whom it is important, could just do it themselves."

Don't you think it's not that clear cut? What you said there means you don't give a shite about your dsc's happiness and its all up to his Df? But an action of excluding dsc deliberately from a collage as he/she " does not bring a smile to your face" would effect him, as they'd see those photos and know exactly that you're just tolerating them but they mean nothing to you? Would that be OK with you that they know you feel this way, and they are are upset by it?

I don't think so either, I don't support any batshit sm, but I don't think this is a batshit sm, from the details OP has shared.

You've misconstrued my words there. I don't not care about my DSCs happiness, I just trust my DP to look out for that, and would not accept being told off for not being focused enough on it when he could very easily do it himself and hasn't. I would expect him to pipe up about that sort of thing if he thought it would be an issue with DSS (he's not very fussed about pictures so it probably wouldn't). I wouldn't expect it to come to the point where he was upset about it. DP puts in the legwork to ensure that doesn't happen, I trust him to do it.

In my case, I wouldn't be "deliberately excluding them" I just don't have photos of DSS and it wouldn't be at the forefront of my mind.

I do think it's possible she deliberately excluded them, which isn't great, but equally I can see how that could have been a response to irritation about his constant nagging attitude about the subject, which I can understand. A little passive aggressive, perhaps, but he could still have easily avoided his DC being upset (assuming they weren't there when she put them up) by instigating a conversation. Perhaps that was what she was expecting, and she was trying to make a point to him. Or, as I said before, perhaps she's just trying to get on with life and this didn't really cross her mind.

Saying that, I don't think I have ever read any post of yours when you thought the SM was doing anything wrong.

Well observed.I think there was one that I recall.

There's nothing objective about the responses of so many SMs here. It's tunnel vision and a total lack of insight to look at a situation holistically. It's let's support the SM come hell or highwater.

Why are you constantly trying to make a point about people always agreeing with SMs?

Because it's true and it's blind defence. It's so glaringly obvious too.

My observation on these threads is exactly the same. SM here are generally agreed with, just based on principle. Anyone who criticises an SM, even for an obviously just reason, is shoed away.

That's absolutely correct. It's an incredibly immature attitude as well. The inability to be objective is so blatant.

Even for previous threads where a SM comes here openly saying she hates the SC or resents them or just doesn't want them around since having her own kids... she's met with... "it's normal" .."don't worry" "It's your maternal instinct" etc... So I'm at a loss to see why this thread can't be taken at face value, like any post a SM does in the situation.

His wife's behaviour towards his kids has changed...that's it. It's not unusual among SMs, but that doesn't make it right.

Don't you think it's not that clear cut? What you said there means you don't give a shite about your dsc's happiness and its all up to his Df? But an action of excluding dsc deliberately from a collage as he/she " does not bring a smile to your face" would effect him, as they'd see those photos and know exactly that you're just tolerating them but they mean nothing to you? Would that be OK with you that they know you feel this way, and they are are upset by it?

This is so well articulated.

The change in behaviour is also confusing for the child...the sudden loss of interest in them can be hurtful. If she was always this way, that would be different...but it's the change. To just say it's not my job, they don't come to see me is so poor. They never specifically came to see the SM before she had the baby, but she managed to be nice then.

@SandyY2K You have a strange habit of talking about/for me without acrually addressing me. I am being objective, and always am on this forum. I objectively believe differently to you. From my perspective, your opinions are equally unvaried.

Isn't it the responsibility of whoever enters and leaves the home to say hi and bye

Greetings are mutual. There's no rule on who says hello first, but the fact that the OP mentioned it, shows a change in her behaviour.

What a person in his wife's situation should realise, is his kids are an extension of him. If your spouse isn't nice/kind/friendly towards your kids, then it's very likely going to change how you feel about them.

These are part of the reasons second marriages fail, or could end up not being happy even if they stay married...as s/he might just not be able to face a second divorce, but resentment towards the SP builds up and the love fades. Nobody wants their kids excluded like this or for a very obvious change in behaviour towards them.

You have a strange habit of talking about/for me without acrually addressing me. I am being objective, and always am on this forum.

I'm not specifically addressing you...it's views like yours and others. You're not objective ... not by a long shot and pretty much always think the SM is right. I'm not the only person who has said or noticed it.

@SandyY2K

You have a strange habit of talking about/for me without acrually addressing me. I am being objective, and always am on this forum.

I'm not specifically addressing you...it's views like yours and others. You're not objective ... not by a long shot and pretty much always think the SM is right. I'm not the only person who has said or noticed it.

Yes, and you and others pretty much always think thr SM is wrong. I'm not the only person who has said or noticed it.

It's almost like both you and I have consistent opinions....