Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

Defending on the basis of principle is exactly what leads to generalisations. My first post on this thread was to say that we couldn't really reach a reasonable view of whether the SM was acting wrongly or not as we didn't have enough relevant information. I asked the questions that would have made it clearer, but the OP never answered then. But then it led to many assumptions being made on the SM, that she must be a reasonable women and therefore her actions can only be coming from a good place, the alternative that indeed, she is doing everything to exclude her SCs becoming an impossibility.

How many times... I do not defend on principle, I defend when it is actually relevant to the discussion, which is almost always the case as the same arguments I disagree with get shared on thread after thread. I agree there isn't enough context here and assumptions have been made. But I disagree that this is mainly in favour of the step mother. There have been an awful lot of people assuming the worst of her. The majority, in fact. I don't believe her actions can ONLY be coming from a good place, I have actually mentioned that before.

I have a step-mum and she's been in my life since I was about 5. I am now 30.

I always think how lucky I am when I read threads like this, because my SM has always been there for me and I've never felt like a PITA.

My Dad and SM had their own 3 children upwards from when I was 12, and I always felt included and we still have a brilliant relationship. I have always been invited on family holidays, treated well by her relatives, I included in everything and I love her to bits. She disciplined me when I was a teenage tosser and I probably listened to her the most, because I didn't want to let her down because of the massive amount of respect we have for each other, and she always picked her battles.

I now have a DD of my own and my SM worships the ground she walks on. DD calls her grandma and they now take DD on regular holidays and days out.

I guess if I was a step-mum myself then this is how I would envision the relationship. So in my opinion, yes she has every right to take a step back from your children and not make effort but that's a bit shit for the kids really.

So i'm going with YANBU.

@kirinm

Why does it become "nagging" if your partner asks you to be civil to his kids? If your partner is having to ask you to engage with his kids, I'd guess there is a pretty obvious problem.

Lots of posters have suggested the OP is at fault for not expressly asking for help or asking for pictures of his kids to be included in a collage. But where the OP has raised it, it is referred to as nagging. He can't win.

And what a leap, the DP might have PND!

Ok not nagging. "Reminded".

Like I'm a child who can't decide for myself how to speak to them. I'm not sticking my head round their bedroom door to say goodnight to them either. They would be so weirded out.

@kirinm

Why does it become "nagging" if your partner asks you to be civil to his kids? If your partner is having to ask you to engage with his kids, I'd guess there is a pretty obvious problem.

Lots of posters have suggested the OP is at fault for not expressly asking for help or asking for pictures of his kids to be included in a collage. But where the OP has raised it, it is referred to as nagging. He can't win.

And what a leap, the DP might have PND!

It is nagging because it precludes the assumption that not specifically saying hello or goodbye, but otherwise interacting with them pleasantly, is "not being civil with them". Lots of parents think their partners don't do enough for their kids, it doesn't make it a genuine "obvious problem" because a great many of them are hypersensitive, defensive and have unreasonably high expectations. Some are probably correct in their judgment, others are really not.

I would not consider it nagging for him to ask her if he can put pictures of his kids in the collage, I've covered that many times. I would consider of it rich of him to complain that she didn't rather than just ask her or provide pictures himself, though.

How is it a leap that the DP might have PND? She had a baby a year ago and her partner thinks she has been different since. Meanwhile, he has not considered her position much and resents her for not "pulling her weight." It is not a leap at all, all in all it's pretty likely.

If my DP kept telling me to engage with his kids I'd run a mile. Why force it. I will engage naturally with them and they can engage with me how they see fit. They live here, I don't want them to feel like formalities are needed.

@Youseethethingis

I can vouch for Sofa. Anyone remember that private school for GCSE year step son vs. private for the SMs 4 year old as both could not be afforded? That was quite a big thread, and the SM was almost universally told by other SMs, including Sofa that she was unreasonable to want to pull the step child out of his school. There have been other, but that one sticks out as it was a Biggie.

Off topic, but I was thinking about that one a while ago - I wonder what the outcome was of it

@Youseethethingis

I can vouch for Sofa. Anyone remember that private school for GCSE year step son vs. private for the SMs 4 year old as both could not be afforded? That was quite a big thread, and the SM was almost universally told by other SMs, including Sofa that she was unreasonable to want to pull the step child out of his school. There have been other, but that one sticks out as it was a Biggie.

Totally missed this comment, thankyou for your support! Truth be told I'm struggling to see why there is such focus on me supposedly always being on the side of step mothers. It shouldn't come as a surprise that people post similar opinions on different threads, the same can be said of almost all of the names I recognise on this thread. Certainly I can see why there is a call for comments like "you always say the same thing" when what that person says is typically unconstructive and merely designed to pull the poster down, but I don't see why you would say that to anybody else. Consistency of opinion is perfectly normal.

Well this escalated quickly with no OP in sight

The thread was going okish with views on both sides until your first post Sofa that was just accusatory and rude'

Yes you do expect to much from her, and frankly sound like a nag. "Reminding" her what to say, and resenting her for not being the one to put pictures of your kids up or offer childcare to you sounds really stifling

It then went from there.

Can you imagine a SM posting that she was upset her OH didn't speak much to her child from another relationship, and put pictures of the dogs and his kids on the bedroom and living room walls leaving him out, and a 'anti SM' poster saying the same than the above? That poster would be crucified here.

@vivainsomnia -actually a SM did post that re not being spoken to by SC and she got crucified for it. Calling her all shades of evil, saying that posters hoped she didn't have children ect.

Funnily enough from some posters on her giving sofa a bad time. Ironic how those double standards live and breath ? 🙄

@vivainsomnia

The thread was going okish with views on both sides until your first post Sofa that was just accusatory and rude'

Yes you do expect to much from her, and frankly sound like a nag. "Reminding" her what to say, and resenting her for not being the one to put pictures of your kids up or offer childcare to you sounds really stifling

It then went from there.

Can you imagine a SM posting that she was upset her OH didn't speak much to her child from another relationship, and put pictures of the dogs and his kids on the bedroom and living room walls leaving him out, and a 'anti SM' poster saying the same than the above? That poster would be crucified here.

The very first comment was "I think your children are your concern, not hers".

Look this thread is clearly dead in the ground regardless, but honestly, you seem incapable of recognising your own bias. To you, it was going ok, to me, the above is how it came across and I felt sorry for the poor woman dealing with it. From the information he shared, he does sound like a nag. He sounds like he is hypersensitive and critical of her around the subject of his kids, when by his own admission she is perfectly nice to them when they're around, and yet nothing she does is good enough for him. He resents her for not doing more. I think it's quite likely that in return, she resents him for that attitude, and I believe that is understandable.

Not sure what you're going for with the parallel at the bottom. It doesn't matter what gender they are, it makes no difference. My response is based on how OP describes her behaviour, and how he describes his own.

you seem incapable of recognising your own bias
This is where we are different. I'm actually totally open to accepting that I am come here with some bias, although I tried not to, and indeed, I make a point of trying to insure that my posts to the OP, whoever they are, are not provocative, and indeed, showing biased.

You on the other hand seem convinced that you are totally unbiased and have no qualms going straight to confront OPs, when they are not SMs.

This board is called step-parenting, not Step-mums, open for any discussion relating to step-parenting, but it doesn't feel this way. There is the cafe thread, which I assume is a place for step-mums to share their frustrations, and that's perfectly fine and indeed, I've not clicked on it to read posts there. The rest of the board should be a place where all matters of step-parenting should be discussed, but it didn't take long for OP here to be made to be unreasonable and the one at fault. It certainly is no surprise people like him don't ever bother to come back.

@vivainsomnia

you seem incapable of recognising your own bias This is where we are different. I'm actually totally open to accepting that I am come here with some bias, although I tried not to, and indeed, I make a point of trying to insure that my posts to the OP, whoever they are, are not provocative, and indeed, showing biased.

You on the other hand seem convinced that you are totally unbiased and have no qualms going straight to confront OPs, when they are not SMs.

This board is called step-parenting, not Step-mums, open for any discussion relating to step-parenting, but it doesn't feel this way. There is the cafe thread, which I assume is a place for step-mums to share their frustrations, and that's perfectly fine and indeed, I've not clicked on it to read posts there. The rest of the board should be a place where all matters of step-parenting should be discussed, but it didn't take long for OP here to be made to be unreasonable and the one at fault. It certainly is no surprise people like him don't ever bother to come back.

JFC it's like speaking to a brick wall. I have no trouble accepting my own bias thankyou, nothing I have said here suggests that. I have no issue with you having your POV, I have been trying for quite a long time now to explain to you that me having a different one does not mean that view is invalid as "oh you just always support SMs". You cannot simply turn that around on me because you want to. I have said nothing to suggest I believe myself to be totally unbiased. That came from you and the posters you were agreeing with.

It's quite rare for me to enter a thread to call out an OP, on any subject, more often than not I comment to defend them. This was a relatively rare exception.

I called OP unreasonable, because his description of his actions seemed unreasonable, to me. There have been many non step parents I have not considered to be reasonable over the years. This was not one of them. That fact alone does not mean I am trying to dictate that only step parents can be validated on the step parent forum. Why on Earth are you making that leap from the mere fact that I don't agree with this one person who is not a step parent?

@HeWhoRemained

Thanks.

There does definitely seem to have been a change since our child was born yes. She seemed a lot more interested in interacting with them then, I don't mean parenting but in terms of asking how their days were, getting involved in conversations etc...

Anout the pictures, the main one that sticks in my mind was she got two big collage frames for the living room and bedroom and filled them with various pictures, our DC, us together, us and our DC, even the dog. She didn't put or ask for a single picture of my eldest to put in there.

I did actually put some up myself of them in frames myself, but I thought it was a bit off to fill a big collage frame of all things like that (when I wasn't there by the way, I had no idea she was doing it) and not think to even ask for a single picture of my DC for it.

I agree that it’s thoughtless at best and damaging to your kids at worst. You need to bring her back to the ground - if you are faciliating her being a housewife, then absolutely set conditions / expectations around childcare for your children. But having said that would you really want an idiot like this around your kids full time to damage them further?

if you are faciliating her being a housewife, then absolutely set conditions / expectations around childcare for your children.

Wow. She's not a housewife, she is a SAHP to one of his children. This mentality is so condescending and controlling.

You need to bring her back to the ground - if you are faciliating her being a housewife, then absolutely set conditions / expectations around childcare for your children

Jeez! She's not an employee!

Don't set conditions and expectations. Someone will suggest an annual appraisal next!

if you are faciliating her being a housewife, then absolutely set conditions / expectations around childcare for your children.

Housewife?
Don’t you mean a SAHM to their joint child? Do you realise how much money he will be saving and how much easier the dynamics will be for him as a parent knowing that his child’s mother is at home with his child?

His other children are his responsibility to sort.

Being a SAHM isn’t the equivalent of a kept woman whose life is one big jolly ffs.