Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

It's not just a collage of her baby though is it? It's a collage of the family - including the dog, but excluding her husband's children.

Yes I agree the collage is the bit that sounds off here to me but it could simply be she doesn’t have loads of photos of them so didn't think! It can be simply sorted out by OP saying hey, did you realise there are no picutres of x in the collage? How about I pay for another one and put some in so they don't get upset?

Same with the helping out with the SC, OP could actually ask rather than expecting SM to offer when it might not be on her mind.

And hopefully doing more than that! It's amazing how some mums think that looking after one child make them untouchable to doing anything else as it if was some form of heroic act! OP supports the whole family.

Ha of course I don't but I also don't think it should be underestimated as a contribution. She is also taking a financial hit by not working.

I think you're a family and she came into this relationship knowing this. I think it's very strange that PP think she should be no more than an acquaintance to your children. They are part of you, you come as a package. I teach and hear too many stories of teens feeling sad/ pushed out/ unimportant because of new siblings/ they way they see how they are treated.

My DC were 3 and 6 when I met my DH 11 years ago and he loves them so much. Our own child is 9 and sees them as his full brothers, there's no definition in this house. My exH is a great dad and we all work as parents together. The DC are priority always, all of them.

For what it's worth we all say good morning/ hello/ good night to eacb other accompanied by hugs. My older 2 don't hug my DH every day now (they're older teens) but still do sometimes. YANBU at all in my view.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

It's not just a collage of her baby though is it? It's a collage of the family - including the dog, but excluding her husband's children.

Yes, but he also said she puts lots of pictures up, and that he had put some up. She may not see the collage as having some kind of special status above all the other pictures that are up, making it essential it includes everybody in the family, it was just something arty she did for herself. As I said up thread, I wouldn't be feeling particularly magnanimous and keen on constantly fretting about my DPs kids being included in every little thing I did for myself whilst he was micro managing me even down to what I must say to them when they arrive and leave. I would be leaving pictures of his kids to him because I would be pretty fed up with it all.

I would get that collage straight off the wall OP. What a horrible thing to do

This. Please OP, tell us that your children haven’t seen it yet?

I’m a stepmother to two (now both adults) I was very much hands-off when they were small, in fact I never really bonded with them till they were in their teens.

Never in a million years would I have created a collage of the family and not included my stepchildren; it’s actually really unkind. And if i didn’t have any photos of the stepchildren, I would have stopped and waited till I did before finishing it.

Cabbages, I honestly don't understand how she could not think, unless she truly doesn't consider her husband's children to be part of the family unit. She gave this collage enough thought to include the dog, but not all the children of the family. It's hard to argue that was accidental.

@CabbagesGreen

And hopefully doing more than that! It's amazing how some mums think that looking after one child make them untouchable to doing anything else as it if was some form of heroic act! OP supports the whole family.

Ha of course I don't but I also don't think it should be underestimated as a contribution. She is also taking a financial hit by not working.

Are you a SM by any chance? Yes I do feel sorry for the children. Through no fault of their own they are now being made to feel unwelcome in what should be their home. Not being spoken to, left out of pictures etc. I see it so frequently and the damage that is done. No - they are not her children and no, she shouldn't be left to parent them all the time. But to not be willing to help out when the dad is stuck because you're too busy parenting your joint child is a poor excuse. This is the man you supposedly love! I hope they don't have a second - how would she cope!

I never babysat my 3 SC alone when they were younger as honestly I wasn't comfortable with the responsibility with my DH present.

Not saying goodbye / goodnight is a little out of order though but she shouldn't be expected to look forward to their arrival like you do or miss them when they aren't around.

I've been in my SC life for 7 years and I do care about them, I celebrate with them and have a nice friendly relationship but if for any reason they moved away and we Didn't see them I wouldn't miss them I'm person I don't think. Although I'd be sad for my partner...

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Cabbages, I honestly don't understand how she could not think, unless she truly doesn't consider her husband's children to be part of the family unit. She gave this collage enough thought to include the dog, but not all the children of the family. It's hard to argue that was accidental.

I can see how it might have slipped her mind if she was going through all the photos on her phone and she didn't have any of the DSC.

Or as PP said she might not have put hours of thought into it or if she is feeling micromanaged into her interactions with the stepkids then maybe it was a reaction to this, perhaps intentional.

I'm not saying I think its a good idea for it to stay up prominently on display but I think OP needs to talk to her about the things that they can help with, not just go straight into assuming everything is done maliciously. And ease off on policing and monitoring her interactions with the children, it will only lead to resentment if it becomes forced and pressured.

New mum, PFB, baby bubble! If there were no stepchildren involved, would anyone be surprised?

OK, one year now. Time to lower the baby goggles occasionally!

Are you a SM by any chance? yes I am
But to not be willing to help out when the dad is stuck because you're too busy parenting your joint child is a poor excuse.
The OP doesn't make clear if they have actually asked for help. Just expects his partner to realise and offer. Communication seems poor. If I was asked if I could look after the DSC in an emergency/not even an emergency situation, I'd say yes. But if I'm not asked I would just assume the parents had it under control. I've been accused of overstepping so many times already that I now don't do anything unless asked.

I hope they don't have a second - how would she cope! that's a choice for them. I know I wouldn't cope with a second. That's my choice given my circumstances.

Sofa being irritated with your husband is one thing, but shouldn't extend to how you behave towards innocent children who didn't ask for their family to be divided.
Tbh, I don't think it's unreasonable for a person to expect their spouse to show some interest in their DC, to say hello to them and make them feel welcome.
If lack of welcome is so noticeable to the parent that they are pulling the spouse up on it, then that's a problem.

I never babysat my 3 SC alone when they were younger as honestly I wasn't comfortable with the responsibility I was the same until the last year or so and they've shown themselves to be more responsible. DH got told off for letting me make their school lunches as they were too elaborate so now I wait until I'm asked.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Sofa being irritated with your husband is one thing, but shouldn't extend to how you behave towards innocent children who didn't ask for their family to be divided. Tbh, I don't think it's unreasonable for a person to expect their spouse to show some interest in their DC, to say hello to them and make them feel welcome. If lack of welcome is so noticeable to the parent that they are pulling the spouse up on it, then that's a problem.

She's not treating them like anything by not putting them in the pictures, she's just waiting for their dad to take the lead on this as something HE wants. Equally, he did say she was nice to them when they're there, and that she just doesn't say hello and goodbye. Lots of people have said they don't particularly hold these particular pleasantries as essential. She could be one of those, in which case him constantly nagging and guilt tripping about it would be very annoying.

Crucially, I really do not think that a parent "noticing" lack of welcome automatically makes it an actual problem. Lots of parents have totally delusional and unrealistic views and standards on that. They are often very biased, lord knows there is plenty enough evidence of that on this forum.

I really struggle with the attitude to step parenting on here. No-one is expecting the Brady bunch but I don't understand how people can accept poor treatment of their children. Ignoring them, leaving them out etc

I was a step kid that was totally pushed out by my step parent and my parent completely allowed it because their relationship was more important than me.
And yes, in their shared home there were loads of pictures of my horrible step siblings but none of me.
It really hurt, it was noticed and I never forgave it.

In real life I know a number of blended families and the ones that have worked are the ones where the kids and step-parents have been accepted and a good relationship has developed. These are also the relationships where it was taken slowly, everyone knew what they were getting into and made a conscious choice to become a family.

The one couple I know where it was a disaster, the new wife was the OW who then resented the children from the first marriage.
She is now the second ex wife having her kids pushed out by another woman who doesn't want them around.

I'm glad threads like this happen on mumsnet because it helps people see the reality and the pitfalls of blended families. I'm sorry but the kids have to come first.

sofa leaving the children out of things like a family collage isn't a neutral action. If a step parent isn't thinking about these things, then they ought to be! The dad didn't know it was being made so couldn't take the lead on including his DC. And really, he shouldn't have to make a point of saying 'please include my children' - it should be done automatically because they are children belonging to the family unit, even though they aren't the wife's.

I don't believe step mums should be expected to love the DC as if they were their own, or be default childcare, or never have their own needs taken into account. A lot of step mums get a really raw deal. But as a basic standard, if you do marry someone who has dc, it's not fair to do things which make them feel like they aren't welcome or part of the family unit.
All the children are siblings and it really does matter when they are noticeably treated as different in their dad's home.

I can see how it might have slipped her mind if she was going through all the photos on her phone and she didn't have any of the DSC
But that's the point of the issue. Things and people who matter don't slip people's mind. They only forget about the people they don't care about, don't want in their life, don't want to be reminded of.

The message here is clear. A collage is about putting together a number of pictures that tell a story, usually a holiday or one's family. OP remembering the dog but forgetting the elder children is a very strong subliminal message and that's the message that is worrying OP, especially when they are other signs of potential concerns when added to it.

Some posters here have made it clear enough that they would have been more than happy if their step-children had moved 1000 miles away and never showed in their existence again, so not including them in a collage seems fair enough to them, but in normal caring families, it really isn't normal. It would be the same as OP doing a collage of their wedding, with pictures of his parents, siblings, cousins of his, and same with OP, but out of 100, not being one picture of her mum. She would be right to question why that is, especially if he was also not bothering to sa hello to his MIL, or not suggesting that he could take her to a medical appointment, even though he could very easily do so, when his partner absolutely couldn't do it nor every one else in the family. It would be fair to start wonder whether he had an issue with her.

The only photos I have of my DSC are from over a year ago. Their dad is shit at remembering to take photos of them. So what happens if I want to make a collage? It would look shit if there's a really old one of them in it.

But yes, ideally they should have been in it and I think OP needs to suggest it's redone and organise a new one.

Then we'll have a post in 5/10 years time, from the OP's wife complaining that her SCs treat her life shit, have no respect for her, don't talk to her but for the minimum words their dad forces them to say etc...

As the above poster stated, as a SC, you are very receptive to things like being left out of family pictures. You so quickly pick up when your SP just tolerate your presence because they have no choice but to do so, but would be happier if you didn't exist. This is hard enough to cope with as an adult, but even more hurtful as a kid. They inevitably take the same approach of just tolerating the SM whilst deep inside wishing she was gone.

I don’t think there was one photo up in my parents house of me when I was a kid, lots of my brother though. I didn’t give it a second thought at the time. Just make your own collage OP and put it up somewhere if you’re that bothered.

@CabbagesGreen

The only photos I have of my DSC are from over a year ago. Their dad is shit at remembering to take photos of them. So what happens if I want to make a collage? It would look shit if there's a really old one of them in it.

Do you ever take photos? I often send my friends/relatives pictures of them or their children if I've taken some on a holiday or day out. I can imagine I'd do the same for my stepchildren including pictures with their dad.

I'm actually really conscious of this and remember a friend saying they have very little photos with their children as they're always the one taking them.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

sofa leaving the children out of things like a family collage isn't a neutral action. If a step parent isn't thinking about these things, then they ought to be! The dad didn't know it was being made so couldn't take the lead on including his DC. And really, he shouldn't have to make a point of saying 'please include my children' - it should be done automatically because they are children belonging to the family unit, even though they aren't the wife's.

I don't believe step mums should be expected to love the DC as if they were their own, or be default childcare, or never have their own needs taken into account. A lot of step mums get a really raw deal. But as a basic standard, if you do marry someone who has dc, it's not fair to do things which make them feel like they aren't welcome or part of the family unit.
All the children are siblings and it really does matter when they are noticeably treated as different in their dad's home.

If you say so, but to me it would be a neutral act. Either because, as I said in my previous comment which you didn't address, this collage was not "The Family Collage" but was just one arty project among many, with several photos of the DSD being provided by their father. Or because I would just assume if DP wanted a pic of DSS in there, he would speak up. It's not for my benefit, so I'd leave it to him to make the suggestion. Especially if I felt he was generally nagging me far too much about DSS elsewhere, which I would if he was behaving like OP. I don't accept "if SMs aren't thinking about it, they should be". Their father can think about it.

And like others, I don't have any particularly nice pictures with my DSS in them. DP does not take as many pictures as me, and of those he does, DSS never properly poses so they would just be of him pulling a stupid face, probably blurry. Sometimes this is just what it's like in families.

Do you ever take photos? I do, but I'm not being the official family photographer for the DSC. If their dad wants photos he can take them. I take photos of what I want. Plus covid has meant we haven't done much exciting. The DSC don't like having their pictures taken as it is and I wouldn't want their mum taking photos of my kid so I doubt she'd want me taking them of hers.

I'm actually really conscious of this and remember a friend saying they have very little photos with their children as they're always the one taking them. me too, so I ask for someone to take photos of me with my child. If dad is bothered he can ask me. He is very much a "no I want to just enjoy the moment" person though.