Am I unreasonable expecting more from her?

[HeWhoRemained]

My wife and I have been together 5 years. We have a one year two child ourselves and I have two older children with my ex who are 9 & 11.

My wife is nice to my older two when they are literally in front of us but other than that she really doesn't make any effort at all with them anymore. I'm not expecting any parenting or anything from her but since we've had our child it's like she forgets they are here, all she is bothered about is our child.

I always have to remind her to say hello when she comes in or goodnight, literally just popping your head in to say 'goodnight' or goodbye when they are leaving etc... She likes to have lots of pictures up in the house and, I know I can do it myself and have done, but she's never once thought to add a picture of my older two when she's putting things in frames, it's either me and her or our DC.

I just get the distinct impression that she's not really bothered about my other children at all and would quite happily never see them again if given the option.

She's a SAHM to our youngest and has never once offered to watch my kids when she's seen me struggling to arrange things the odd time there's been an issue with childcare and such. I know that's not her job and I don't ask but is it unreasonable to expect some support from your partner in this way in certain occasions.

She's an incredible Mum to our youngest. It just seems she couldn't really give a hoot about my other two.

Would you expect more or am I being unfair and it's totally normal to only ever be concerned about our joint child?

The hello and goodbye thing is really strange if it's genuinely your DW instigating it; does your DW really ignore your DC if they say it to her?

When I was growing up saying hello and goodbye to people as you entered and left a room was standard good manners, and even now, I still do it.

For context, my EXDSS never used to say hello when he came in to the house with my EXDP, or say goodbye to me when he was leaving. EXDP never reminded him to do so, and couldn't see his DS had appalling manners. Perhaps it's something similar with your DW, and she's just given up!

Also it seems you didn't have a proper conversation about what you both thought your DW being a SAHM would entail before she started. In her mind, it seems it was to look after your shared DC, in your mind your expectations appear to be different, as you think she should be helping with your DC too.

I suspect she’s really tired and preoccupied by a 1yo.

If she’s pleasant while they’re with you, supportive of them generally and ensures you have enough 1:1 and 1:2 time with them, then it all sounds OK.

The photo thing is clearly bugging you. You suspect she deliberately excluded your elder two and it upsets you. So explain to her how you feel. Don’t get resentful about it.

It’s hard to tell whether she is checked out or you are being over- sensitive or have set expectations too high, so more communication might help resolve all your concerns.

I have been the childfree SM who then acquired a baby of her own.

Just to give perspective from the other side... yes of course your wife has less energy for your DC. She probably doesn't have enough energy for herself. She is the primary carer for an infant. And unlike you, all of this is new for her... if you remember what it was like to have your first baby... for me at least that was an overwhelming year and had some massive ups and downs. Not helped by covid and a lot of social/support opportunities vanishing.

There isn't enough info in the posts to know whether this is the same for you guys, but I find I have always taken on way more than 50% for our shared DC (and I work full time). This means my partner stays available for his older DC. And of the two of us, they'd rather have him than me available to hang out.

Hello and goodbye, absolutely, but if you want your wife to give significantly more time and emotional energy to your DC, sit and chit chat to them, then who is calming the baby or doing the endless chores that come with 3 kids? Sometimes we SMs ARE making the SDC welcome, but not by trying to be their best mate - by taking on other things, so they can have what they want which is YOU.

Just some thoughts which i hope may be helpful.

I find it interesting that you haven't addressed the hello goodbye comments @HeWhoRemained tbh. It is relevant to the advice you are receiving.

If your a long time lurker on here you will see a lot of SP getting to the end of their rag because they have to basically feel like they are intruding in their own homes, often ignored by SC and DHs ignores this behaviour and doesn't allow SP to correct the behaviour, all the responsibility and none of the teeth. Most SP in the face of this rudeness shut down. Sounds like what your wife's doing. Instead of blaming her for being this way I would have a real look at what you might be doing to contribute to this situation. Clearly communication is a issue.

Re the photos you said you had two older children (not with current wife) and in your update you mention the eldest wasn't included in the photo collage. Does this mean that the youngest SC was in the photo collage?
*
So is the issue isn't* she didn't include all SC, just that she specifically left out one of the SC if so, I think that may have just been she didn't have a photo of that child ? 😩

Childcare sounds like you haven't asked her and your literally already decided she said no, which to be fair I understand to a degree actually. If she wasn't there you would have to parent and find suitable childcare - I think a bit of 1950s attitude is creeping in.

I feel a bit dubious op about your post. Not a lot of details. If she was engaged before and now not I know you would like us to say ahh hormones but I think there are other factors at play that you aren't sharing.

Doesn't matter to us - the internet. But if you wanted your ego stroked and her to burnt at the stake your in the right place. But actually to make it better. You going to have to take your rose tinted glasses off, really look at your own actions and walk in her shoes, she wasn't evil step mum to begin with I assume and people don't suddenly change like this just from having a baby that maybe a factor but I doubt it's the only one.

Yes you do expect to much from her, and frankly sound like a nag. "Reminding" her what to say, and resenting her for not being the one to put pictures of your kids up or offer childcare to you sounds really stifling.

She should show more interest if she loves you as she should know how important they are for you. I think this is v sad.

I don't mean parenting but in terms of asking how their days were, getting involved in conversations etc... maybe she assumes they've told you how their day was and won't want to go over it again? And do you try and help include her in conversations? It can be hard feeling like the outsider.

I'm not saying she couldn't try eg with the hello and goodbye but are you doing all you can to help her feel included?

@cansu

She should show more interest if she loves you as she should know how important they are for you. I think this is v sad.

OP hasn't even asked her for help with them though. She might not want to interfere.

OP does your SO consider herself your DC’s stepmum? Maybe she doesn’t. I know I don’t. Has your DC mum been difficult in the past? Made comments about your SO? Have the children made mean comments about your SO? I feel like you’re not sharing everything to show yourself ina good light and we can’t give you advice without the full picture.

Yanbu. You're a family, including your DC. She needs to understand that and quit pretending her DC is another seperate family unit. I'd have a serious chat with her.

Also to add, your DC will notice the lack of their photos in your house and may resent her and you for it. I don't believe it never occurred to her to put up photos of family unless she also didn't for her DC. Hence a long overdue frank conversation is needed.

@smashionaltreasure
When a partner stops working that is not necessarily a savings to the working partner. The OP's husband may not have to pay his fair share or expected share of child care, but the OP is no longer contributing her fair share to the mortgage or rent, utilities, food, insurance, entertainment etc. All of those expenses now fall on the working partner.

If someone were keeping a roof over my head, food on my table, working utilities in my household, clothing on my back, etc. As an adult, I would feel an obligation to step up my inkind contributions.

That does not mean that the OP should assume all responsibility for her step children, but she should certainly be amenable to assuming
or reducing some of the husband's normal tasks.

I am always baffled when people are so comfortable picking and choosing the things that they are unwilling to do while allowing someone else to pay for what are normal and routine adult expenses.

As an adult, I would feel an obligation to step up my inkind contributions.

Good for you. I wouldn't. Because parenting our children is frankly at least as significant and responsible as who buys the soap and my partner is devoutly thankful someone is very good at it. Whether he has got his pound of flesh out of me doesn't seem to have crossed his mind, probably because he can see I'm busy adulting.

Everything in your opening post is how many stepmothers here have admitted to feeling. They tolerate stepkids as a means to be with you and having their own kid just intensifies those feelings...but will never say it to you.

You should use the time your older kids visit with them, go out at times just with them and spend quality one to one time with them. They come to see you, not her.

This thread will provide some insight for you. I'm not saying she hates them...but it's worth a read.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4300410-I-cant-STAND-my-DSC?postsby=DappledApple&fromid=109310365

As an adult, I would feel an obligation to step up my inkind contributions. she is looking after their shared child.
The DSCs mum is presumably helping look after them. Why do they need 3 adults looking after them?!

She's never going to feel the same for your DC with someone else as she does her own. As for photos, are you incapable of putting them up? The thing is OP, they're your children. Your responsibility.

@Tomtomsokillis

Also to add, your DC will notice the lack of their photos in your house and may resent her and you for it. I don't believe it never occurred to her to put up photos of family unless she also didn't for her DC. Hence a long overdue frank conversation is needed.

A frank conversation about what, where OP got her picture frames from? Because there's absolutely no reason she needs to be the one to do this for him. If my DP tried to have a "frank conversation" with me about me about ME putting up pictures of his son, instead of just doing it himself, I would laugh in his lazy, entitled face.

Yabu.
Babies are hard work. Do you help with night feeds?
And good for her not offering herself as an unpaid babysitter.

Unsurprisingly, there are quite a few posts that wil just excuse any behaviour from the SM because... she's a SM.

Yes, the first year with a baby can be tough (can because it isn't always), that doesn't justify totally backing off other children. If she is finding time to do a collage of pictures, then excluding any step child from it is just sending the message that they are not part of the family. It's a very strong message and inevitably very hurtful to the parent. Not finding pictures of the kid? What an excuse! It would take nothing to ask OP if he had some. You don't do a collage of pictures in 10 minutes! It is bad form and there is no excuse for it.

she is looking after their shared child
And hopefully doing more than that! It's amazing how some mums think that looking after one child make them untouchable to doing anything else as it if was some form of heroic act! OP supports the whole family.

I totally agree that being at home shouldn't mean being treated like an automatic childminder, cleaner and gardener, but on the same token, refusing to ever look, in an emergency after step-children, because 'I'm looking after our shared child and that's enough of my contribution to the family' is pretty poor.

We don't know the details in OP's case, so it's really hard to comment, but some of the responses come across as very controlling and entitled.

I feel sorry for the children. The adults busily drawing lines of what they are and are not going to do and children left in the middle. It is so sad.

We don't know the details in OP's case, so it's really hard to comment, but some of the responses come across as very controlling and entitled.

That's funny, because I think OP sounds controlling and entitled. Poor woman can't even make a collage of photos of her own beloved baby without people like him (and you) telling her she has "no excuse" for doing it. It's enough to put you off bothering, which I get the sense is what is happening here.

It's not just a collage of her baby though is it? It's a collage of the family - including the dog, but excluding her husband's children.

@Strictly1

I feel sorry for the children. The adults busily drawing lines of what they are and are not going to do and children left in the middle. It is so sad.

You feel sorry for them that their own parent has to look after them?