Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@JustGreatThatIs how old are the DSC

@Yesiknowitsacrossbreed I've no way of knowing. They both wanted the kids and then decided to have fun with other men while DH was ill. That's all I know. I don't judge her for it but I wouldn't expect to be judged if I couldn't handle the relationship if circumstances changed and DH had the kids full time.

[quote Beautifulday345]@Potatoy did she anticipate leaving before she had them? Did she leave BECAUSE of them? Sorry, don’t see the link[/quote]
No idea. But she chose to leave when circumstances changed. Why should I be judged if I chose to leave if circumstances change.

Ex chose to have those children with DH. She had a choice too.

Its really not the same.

I wouldn't leave as I couldn't do that to DS but I would hate it, all 3 are decent kids but I wouldn't want any of them living here full time!

@Beautifulday345

It’s also one thing to end up in the scenario, struggle with it and decide to leave, but to actually anticipate it before it’s even happened, yet continuing with the relationship anyway is insane!

All this speculation is missing the point. Anyone can identify situations that could happen down the road that would probably make them too unhappy to continue with their marriage. The point is, weighing things up, they don't think it's likely.

I imagine my Step Mither felt like this about me, but didn't act on it (shame)
I was 8 when my Mum died and my Dad married again pretty quickly.
I didn't have a Mum so had to live with Dad and Step Mum. She treated me like a modern day Cinderella.
I wish she had decided to end the relationship rather than move in with us. She was, and still is, a cow.

Well, we can all leave any relationship, at any time, for whatever reason.

That's a good thing isn't it.

@sugarapplelane

I imagine my Step Mither felt like this about me, but didn't act on it (shame) I was 8 when my Mum died and my Dad married again pretty quickly. I didn't have a Mum so had to live with Dad and Step Mum. She treated me like a modern day Cinderella. I wish she had decided to end the relationship rather than move in with us. She was, and still is, a cow.

I'm very sorry for your experience.

It sounds like your 'step mother' married your Dad when you were already living with him full time, so she knew that was the case when she met him so not entirely the same.

Also doesn't mean I'd treat the children like Cinderella. Not at all. She just sounds like not a very nice woman at all.

I've already told DH that I would not be able to stay living together if we had DSC full time. I'd give it a good go but ultimately, i don't want the full time responsibility of a child.

What if in an unfortunate situation their mother passed away?

I agree with PP, when you enter a relationship with someone who already has children, you are most definitely not the only important person in their lives and you need to acknowledge that

@grey12

What if in an unfortunate situation their mother passed away?

I agree with PP, when you enter a relationship with someone who already has children, you are most definitely not the only important person in their lives and you need to acknowledge that

What's that got to do with anything?

What's that got to do with anything?

I expect it’s the perennial “know your place step mum, you’re the bottom of the pile, don’t you forget it”.

I expect it’s the perennial “know your place step mum, you’re the bottom of the pile, don’t you forget it”.

How could I forget

@aSofaNearYou the OP was talking about the chance of the stepchildren living with them. By the looks of it they'll continue living with their mother. I just wanted to put the hypothetical situation of the mother passing away. In that situation most likely the children would live with the father, right? That could happen. And OP needs to consider what she would do then

No never

@grey12

Choices are:

1. Run for the hills immediately, OR,
2. Wait to see how it goes and decide whether to leave.

Having been a step-child I just ensured I liked the child my DP already had and that he could solo parent his child, before being in a long term relationship with him.

I have one stepchild and it was discussed before DH and I lived together that if anything happened to their mum that they would come and live with us. I’m not under any illusion that it wouldn’t be tricky for everyone involved but I knew that was the deal when we got together.

@RedMarauder of course but one thing is custody battles which OP could maybe influence, another thing altogether is a death

I can totally understand why you’d feel that way OP. It’s a big decision to take on someone else child full time and like you said it’s different than step dads because they come into the situation knowing the child will be there more often -
Full time but I think if I was
Your husband is want to know how you felt beforehand. By the sounds of it it would be a pretty traumatic event(or mother’s death or Imprisonment) if his kids lived with you permanently and I can’t imagine how hard it would be dealing with the practical and emotional fall outs of that situation and then having your wife walk out on you.

That way at least he has all the information to make his decision. He might feel that a marriage with a woman who
Would want to leave if his kids lived there full time
Isn’t actually the marriage he wants who knows

[quote grey12]@aSofaNearYou the OP was talking about the chance of the stepchildren living with them. By the looks of it they'll continue living with their mother. I just wanted to put the hypothetical situation of the mother passing away. In that situation most likely the children would live with the father, right? That could happen. And OP needs to consider what she would do then[/quote]
I meant the second part of your statement about step mum's needing to acknowledge how they're not the only important people in their partner's lives.

The what if she dies question has already been raised and answered many times.

@VanGoghsDog
Guardians are only for if both parents have died. Obviously when he wrote his will the solicitor would have explained this.

Even in that situation, the nomination of guardians is a statement of wishes only, as another person said, you can't 'will' your DCs. Otherwise I could nominate Ashton Kucher and Mila Kunis, or family members who may want to take on the kids but be unsuitable carers for different reasons.

Its ok to admit you couldn't live permanently with someone elses kids except if you dh was already living with yours, then you would be a hypocrite.

Does that mean if when you first met your partner they had the children living with them FT you would have run a mile at that point, and it was only because he had the DC part-time that you considered the relationship.

@ineedaholidaynow yes it does, I only considered part time be because I already knew OH if he was brand new I would have run a mile at even part time

In most cases the rp is the mother and most people on this site are living with nrp fathers. The only way in which most dscs would move to the father's home is if the mother died or the children's relationship with the mother broke down. In both of these cases the Dscs are likely to angry, upset and traumatized.

Who on earth would be happy to suddenly live with angry kids that aren't theres?

Why would you expect that step mothers should want this?

Why do people expect step mothers to completely put their own feelings aside so much? It seems like there is a higher expectation on step mothers than on the child's parents sometimes.