Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@LocalHobo

I couldn't love a man who had DC yet was unprepared to step up to provide a permanent home for them. You obviously love a man who puts you above his offspring. Not the sort of man I would go on to have a family with.

No one has said anything about the dad not wanting to?

So what if the mother died and the children came to live with you full time? Are you honestly saying you would leave your DH?

@drpet49 when they were younger and I didn't have my LO and was struggling with infertility yes, I would have left him. I am fortunate my circumstances have changed.

@drpet49 yes I would, it would make me miserable.

@drpet49

So what if the mother died and the children came to live with you full time? Are you honestly saying you would leave your DH?

For me, it would be a decision between either staying in a situation that made me miserable every single day, or leaving and being on my own, potentially never meeting someone I care for as much as him.

It would be an horrendous choice but I honestly don't think I could be happy if my SCs lived with us 100% of the time, with no end in sight.

[quote Beautifulday345]@aSofaNearYou There is always a ‘risk’ though, although I wouldn’t call it a risk, a child living with their own parent is a totally normal thing, whichever parent it is! Their mum could die, have a mental breakdown and not cope, the other parents house suits the child’s needs at a different stage in life, also as children get older they may not get on with their mum so they also tend to try living with the other parent, most parents, resident or not, don’t usually close the door on their own children living with them! Whilst OP is completely entitled to feel the way she does, he should know now to save future trauma for everyone.[/quote]
Yea there is SOME risk, but the reality is the chances are not that high. As another poster said, my DSS would have to totally uproot his life to live with us, he's not likely to choose to do so. Yes his mum could die, but the odds are not that high. Meanwhile, it's quite likely things could improve in terms of me being able to cope with it, as he gets older and his needs change.

So all in all, my DP did not judge that there was so great a chance of it happening that he needed to end the relationship.

@Potatoy

Not sure what's in DSC's mum's will but I'm guessing OH would automatically have them full time if she died. He'd be useless at it. Maybe I need to have a chat with him now.

You can't "will" your children to someone. Of course their father would become 100% responsible if their mother died.

Even if a conversation is had at the outset things can change, a sweet easy 4 year old that you could say yes to living with May the into a demon teenager who you can't

I think the thing is, regardless of how much hard work it is or isn't, I just wouldn't want them to be always there. It would be a bit like living with in laws to me, I'm perfectly content with visits but I wouldn't want it to be my permanent reality.

100% this

I mean, I'd give it a go but I think it would end our relationship.

@LocalHobo

I couldn't love a man who had DC yet was unprepared to step up to provide a permanent home for them. You obviously love a man who puts you above his offspring. Not the sort of man I would go on to have a family with.

Okay but that's not what I'm talking about. I expect my husband would immediately be prepared to have his DC live fill time with him if they needed to (and I suspect he'd be happy to have them even if they didn't!), As he should.

This is about whether I would be able to stay if that were the case.

You can't "will" your children to someone. Of course their father would become 100% responsible if their mother died.

My DH has named a guardian for if he and their mother dies. So I didn't know if the guardian would be able to get involved and represent his wishes.

@Woodmarshno you are not a martyr but neither are you able to put your spouses needs above your wants. That’s not love , that’s being a relationship for what you get out of it. If your idea of marriage is your own personal happiness that is a selfish way to live.
If your step children’s mother died and the children went to live with your husband then you would divorce him. then that’s not love , don’t kid yourself your do.

I hear you. It's happened to me. DSD has lived with us from the start so no issue. DSS moved in after he dropped out of Uni and it is hard. We got on quite well before but our relationship is struggling now and there is a lot of frustration and resentment between me and DH due to DSS lazy and selfish behavior and his inability to deal with it. I'm not going anywhere, but honestly I am not sure my relationship with DSS will ever be what it was. and it has changed how I see my DH too.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Woodmarshno you are not a martyr but neither are you able to put your spouses needs above your wants. That’s not love , that’s being a relationship for what you get out of it. If your idea of marriage is your own personal happiness that is a selfish way to live.
If your step children’s mother died and the children went to live with your husband then you would divorce him. then that’s not love , don’t kid yourself your do.[/quote]
Again, bollocks. There are lots of things my DP could do that would be a deal breaker. It does not mean I don't love him.

Everyone's idea of marriage should include their own personal happiness alongside their spouse's.

@drpet49

So what if the mother died and the children came to live with you full time? Are you honestly saying you would leave your DH?

I imagine it could end up that way yes.

It is interesting how many stepdads don’t have much choice, especially if the biological isn’t on the scene much, if at all

Do those of you saying you would leave have children with their partners? Because presumably he would be likely to get 50/50 since he is a full time parent to other children anyway so no argument that he wouldn't be able to manage.

@MyDcAreMarvel complete rubbish, if that happened we would be in a situation where we had incompatible needs and splitting would be the solution. In what other situation would you advise someone to stay in a relationship if they weren't happy and say they were selfish for not doing so

@ineedaholidaynow

It is interesting how many stepdads don’t have much choice, especially if the biological isn’t on the scene much, if at all

I imagine the one's who wouldn't be up for it wouldn't sign up in the first place, as the partner would already have FT care.

@ineedaholidaynow they usually have kids full time from day one though so slightly different, they have a choice from day one to be or not to (see what I did there 😉) with the kids RP

@helpfulperson no I don't I expect my answer my May be different if I did

I'd be sympathetic to a prospective step parent who felt that way about my DCs. Even as an blinkered and adoring parent, the noise, needs, extra chores and cost that comes with 3 kids, one of whom is neurodiverse, is really full on.

It's also why I wouldn't ever move in with a man (or woman) with their own young DCs cohabiting full time, it would be too much for me and I suspect for both groups of kids.

@ineedaholidaynow

It is interesting how many stepdads don’t have much choice, especially if the biological isn’t on the scene much, if at all

Unless they didn't know that or it wasn't the case when they met the Mum then it's not the same.

@Potatoy

You can't "will" your children to someone. Of course their father would become 100% responsible if their mother died.

My DH has named a guardian for if he and their mother dies. So I didn't know if the guardian would be able to get involved and represent his wishes.

No, not really.

Guardians are only for if both parents have died. Obviously when he wrote his will the solicitor would have explained this.

@helpfulperson

Do those of you saying you would leave have children with their partners? Because presumably he would be likely to get 50/50 since he is a full time parent to other children anyway so no argument that he wouldn't be able to manage.

My partner doesn't do 50/50 in his arrangement with his current ex, he's not going to want to go 50/50 with out LO. He doesn't even fo 50% of the caring now. But if he did that's only fair. My LO deserves to see their dad.