Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@huuskymam

Its ok to admit you couldn't live permanently with someone elses kids except if you dh was already living with yours, then you would be a hypocrite.

I think its just about what other people can deal with and what they can't. Maybe my husband wouldn't have as much of a problem with it as I would, I don't think it makes anyone a hypocrite, my husband would have the same choice as me, to stay or leave. If he chose to stay in a situation where I would have left, that doesn't make me a hypocrite, just that we have different limits.

That's not my situation by the way, but just hypothetical.

[quote OverTheRubicon]@VanGoghsDog
Guardians are only for if both parents have died. Obviously when he wrote his will the solicitor would have explained this.

Even in that situation, the nomination of guardians is a statement of wishes only, as another person said, you can't 'will' your DCs. Otherwise I could nominate Ashton Kucher and Mila Kunis, or family members who may want to take on the kids but be unsuitable carers for different reasons.[/quote]
Not "another person", me. I said you can't will your kids away. That's how that whole exchange started.

Wouldn't it be better though for the SDCs to live just with their dad, rather with a SM that doesn't want to live with them?

I'm a bit on the fence with this one - I think I would struggle with my SD moving in for various reasons, and it might ultimately spell the end of my relationship with DH. However I know that if anything happened to her mum and she did move in with us, he would find that incredibly hard to do on his own, both emotionally and practically / financially. So I would at least have to give it a good go out of love for him, even if ultimately it wasn't what I wanted, and recognising that it might not work out.

Ultimately I wouldn't want to put myself in a position long term where I was miserable, and potentially SD was miserable too because of me - I would have to leave if it became evident it wasn't working even though I'm as happy as happy can be with DH and I would be totally heartbroken.

I don't know about the death situation being as remote a possibility as pp have said. Car accidents happen all the time. There have been 104 Covid deaths recorded for today, which while it's a lot better than it was, still represents some otherwise healthy people not of an age where death was expected. I'm sure I sound morbid but you really never do know what's coming.

But @KylieKoKo if the SM has her own children she is expecting her partner to take them on, on probably a much more permanent basis (maybe getting a break EOW). Does seem hypocritical in that situation to not want to take your partner’s DC on if necessary

*Who on earth would be happy to suddenly live with angry kids that aren't theres?

Why would you expect that step mothers should want this?*

@Skiptheheartsandflowers I agree with you that death before the SC Set up home by themselves isn't a remote possibility in a lot of cases. Especially with Covid.

I agree, why would it be assumed I'd be ok with this, I mean at the moment their own mum doesn't live with them 100% of the time and likes having a break.

I think it's absolutely fine to have a clear idea of how you want to live your life and what situations you'd be unable to accept, but in the situation you describe, I hope my partner would get in first and say that if I found it unacceptable then he would be ending the relationship as his first loyalty was to his dc.
DH and I have a clear list - first the dc, then ourself, then each other, then other family. But dc well-being before anything else.

Does that mean if when you first met your partner they had the children living with them FT you would have run a mile at that point, and it was only because he had the DC part-time that you considered the relationship.

Yes for me it would have done. My DC move between my ex and I. He has them circa 40% of the time. So anyone dating me gets just under a fortnight a month of adult time and chances to go on holiday minus children. I’m pretty sure that if I had my children FT when I met my partner, he wouldn’t have stayed with me. It works for the both of us that we get quality 121 time minus any children.

Having also entered this murky world post divorce I also very quickly realised that ‘blending’ was not going to work for my children, or his children. And that is pre either of us having our children FT. I certainly wouldn’t look to suddenly step up and do it if he had to one day take custody of his children FT. My children would hate it!

If our relationship ended over it, so be it.

@MyDcAreMarvel I 100% agree with you. I have DSD full time As her mum is very poorly with her mental health. My friend has her DSC full time as their mum died of cancer. What should we have done accepted our other halves had children when we met them or been completely selfish and just wanted him and couldn't be bothered with his children.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I don't know about the death situation being as remote a possibility as pp have said. Car accidents happen all the time. There have been 104 Covid deaths recorded for today, which while it's a lot better than it was, still represents some otherwise healthy people not of an age where death was expected. I'm sure I sound morbid but you really never do know what's coming.

The vast majority of people I know don't die young, or in car accidents. I guess it depends on how likely something has to be for you to consider it a deal breaker. I'm well aware that lots of people die, just not enough for me to think it will probably happen.

@ineedaholidaynow

But *@KylieKoKo* if the SM has her own children she is expecting her partner to take them on, on probably a much more permanent basis (maybe getting a break EOW). Does seem hypocritical in that situation to not want to take your partner’s DC on if necessary

I don't have my own children and don't particularly want them. Am I allowed to say that I would not want to live with my DSD full time?

I don't think it's hypocritical really. Maybe expecting more that you are prepared to give. But ultimately if the SMs husband has chosen to move in with a women who has her kids 12 days out of 14 then he has made that choice. The SM has made a choice to be with someone who has them less. In the SM''s case the situation that she chose will have undergone a massive change so the two aren't quite the same.

And this before you take into account the fact that women tend to take on the bulk of the domestic drudge and grunt work of parenting.

Had my STBXH's son come to live with us full time, then yes, I'd have left.

It's something I feel horrendously guilty about. The kid was beyond damaged by his upbringing (his mother has clinically diagnosed NPD), and because my own mental health is equally dreadful (bipolar disorder and C-PTSD), I simply wasn't equipped to deal with him.

STBXH was a shit father to him. He expected me to entertain him on his weekends so he could go to gigs, when his ex withdrew contact on a whim at regular intervals, so it could've been 3 months since he'd last seen the poor kid.

He went into care aged 15 because his mother dumped him outside the council offices.

Part of me really wants to get in touch with him, but I doubt hearing from me would help him - it's very likely he'd just view me as yet another person who'd let him down. He's in his early 20s now, but trauma and abandonment runs so deep, I wouldn't blame him if he told me to fuck off.

Mine would depend on context.

Their mum died, no problem. If it was just full custody but mum was still constantly in the picture interfering, probably not.

I like my step kids. They're lovely for the most part and I don't mind them being here. But their mum's constant interference in their dad's parenting would break me.

And if the DC decide they want to spend more time with their dad as they get older, would you as SM veto that?

@ineedaholidaynow

And if the DC decide they want to spend more time with their dad as they get older, would you as SM veto that?

No, that's a different scenario.

@ineedaholidaynow

And if the DC decide they want to spend more time with their dad as they get older, would you as SM veto that?

No of course not. I wouldn't stop him having them 100% of the time if that's the way the cookie crumbled. But I reserve my right to leave the relationship if I'm not happy and I don't think I'd deserve to be judged for that.

My partner is currently deliberating whether to go to court for more contact/ shared residency due to ongoing issues with his DC’s mother.

He asked me my opinion and my very simple response was that it is his children, his life, his world that would need to completely reorient to enable a 50/50 set up. That he would have my support to do what he felt was best for him and his children. I also made it clear however that I in no way could myself take on any part of helping him, outside of adhoc occasions. Due to not only where my DC and I live, but (critically) I have enough on my plate with my career/ life/ kids.

Whether our relationship would survive that and also whether he could do 50% parenting without a partners support? Who knows. I parent my DC 60% of the time without his help, so I’m not expecting him to do something that I myself haven’t already been doing for years.

It’s his decision which he needs to make himself. If as a result either of us realise this relationship doesn’t work for us, then so be it.

This notion that anyone (SD or SM) is expected to martyr their own happiness to meet the needs for children that are not theirs is beyond ludicrous.

Thing is there are a lot of scenarios where perhaps the dad would prefer not to become the RP but basically has no choice if the mum is no longer around or cannot cope. He's also unlikely to dump his wife / partner even if she's not particularly happy about the DC moving in as that will make life even more difficult for him now he has DCs he is responsible for 100% of the time. Many SMs will have had a rough ride over the years with their SCs and may not have a good relationship with them, and already know that the situation is doomed and will only cause more problems if everyone is forced to live together. Basically the only thing an unhappy SM in this scenario can do is leave...there aren't any other options available.

Just looked it up.
Apparently the mortality rate of females aged 35-39 in the UK in 2018 was 0.7 per 1000.
Just a wee indication...

If you wouldn’t want step children to live with you, I’m not sure why you would choose a partner with children. There are plenty without.

In this situation, it would not be black and white, leave or stay. Couples who have been together for some time would look for a middle way.

It is possible to live next door to each other, or in flats in the same block etc.

When DH and I got together, he had adult children at home and I had none. There was significant trauma (mother died young) plus neuro-diversity, plus failure to launch. After working together for years on the launch, we have both agreed that if mental health needs bring a child back to our door, we will have to buy a separate dwelling for that child to live in. Neither of us have the stamina to go through that again!

It’s like fairground whack a mole on here today. Get one and another one with an identical question (that has already been answered) pops up again. 🙄

@spaceshiptomars off topic and don't want to be insensitive asking but what is failure to launch?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss it's not that straightforward though. Situations change, and someone who may have been happy with a cute 5 year old moving in may absolutely not be OK with a stroppy rude 13 year old who they don't get on with moving in. Are you supposed to get divorced at the pont at which you realise you would no longer be happy with a potential situation that might never arise?

Probably shouldn’t get involved with anyone with children then
Because it’s always a risk surely