Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

I think shared care can be far more stressful for the step parents than having full time care. I don't think anymore would know the reality until it happened plus it would take at least a few months to settle into a new "groove".

As long as your DH knows this, then he can decide if he still wants to continue a relationship with you based on that. I personally wouldn’t if I were him

I actually disagree that this needs to be said upfront.

Surely, if the children don't routinely live with their dad and it's not likely, it's not a discussion that needs to be had unless it looks like it may become reality?

I feel like bringing it up from the start when it's not a realistic possibility at that time is just needlessly offending your partner and also would be unreasonable to say without any context.

As I say, I defo don't want to live FT with my SCs but equally couldn't say to DP "Your children will never live with us under any circumstances".

@RandomMess

I think shared care can be far more stressful for the step parents than having full time care. I don't think anymore would know the reality until it happened plus it would take at least a few months to settle into a new "groove".

I think the thing is, regardless of how much hard work it is or isn't, I just wouldn't want them to be always there. It would be a bit like living with in laws to me, I'm perfectly content with visits but I wouldn't want it to be my permanent reality.

I can see how that could be less of an issue with older children who entertain themselves and spend time out of the home, though.

I think the thing is, regardless of how much hard work it is or isn't, I just wouldn't want them to be always there. It would be a bit like living with in laws to me, I'm perfectly content with visits but I wouldn't want it to be my permanent reality.

100% agree with this. I just couldn't do it full-time.

I guess it depends a bit on your OH too. If he would struggle to look after them full time without you then maybe it is best to say something so he can find someone who will help should the need arise?

Yeah my DH knows that I couldn’t do it (3 DSC’s so would be a massive change) and he totally understands this. We both know there’s next to no chance of it happening though so it’s not a worry.

Not sure what's in DSC's mum's will but I'm guessing OH would automatically have them full time if she died. He'd be useless at it. Maybe I need to have a chat with him now.

Of course it's OK and it's not a reflection of your relationship or how much you love your OH either

I would definitely leave if that happened, I love OH but I love myself too and I'm not a martyr so I won't make myself unhappy for anyone

@MellowBird85

Yeah my DH knows that I couldn’t do it (3 DSC’s so would be a massive change) and he totally understands this. We both know there’s next to no chance of it happening though so it’s not a worry.

Unless something happened to the mum or the relationship with their mum broke down?

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in

What a lot of shite There are many, many circumstances in which a couple may find the strain placed on their relationship is too much to bear, but that doesn't mean that love wasn't what brought them together in the first place.
Use your imagination.
FWIW I lurked on this board alot when I got together with DH, and decided to proceed based on the assumption that one day DSD will live with us. Hence when we moved house, it had to be big enough for everyone, not some bullshit box room for DSD because that may well be her permanent bedroom one day etc etc. I'm mentally preparing for this to happen. It may never happen. I'd rather it didn't. I can still see how the strain of it could be too much for some couples and some circumstances though.

I think you have to tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship on this basis. If I knew my partner felt this I'd be out the door immediately. Obviously more complicated if you have a joint child but I'd still be off and looking for 50 50.

I think there are a lot of different circumstances that would affect this decision.

I have 2 DSC and overtime there have been issues with both and at the minute of of them has just become so rude and ignorant. I wouldn't want to live with that child full time at all BUT if there DM was completely out of the picture I think we would get into a routine that worked for us all.

As another poster has said, shared care can be extremely difficult especially when their parents don't get along.

@helpfulperson

I think you have to tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship on this basis. If I knew my partner felt this I'd be out the door immediately. Obviously more complicated if you have a joint child but I'd still be off and looking for 50 50.

Whilst I agree with being upfront, I just wanted to say it can be quite different for NRPs. They often know it's not particularly likely, so it's a risk worth taking.

@helpfulperson

I think you have to tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship on this basis. If I knew my partner felt this I'd be out the door immediately. Obviously more complicated if you have a joint child but I'd still be off and looking for 50 50.

Would really end your relationship if this wasn't really a likely possibility though?

I can see splitting up with someone if your children actually were needing to move in with you full-time and your partner was saying no, but to split up with someone because they wouldn't want it to theoretically happen in the future?

Whilst I agree with being upfront, I just wanted to say it can be quite different for NRPs. They often know it's not particularly likely, so it's a risk worth taking.

Yes, this is so key.

EG for me, my SCs live far from us with their mum and my DP has then EOW and time in the holidays. Something catastrophic (again, god forbid!!) would need to happen for them to move in with us full-time, so it's not something that's always at the forefront of my mind at all when considering my relationship.

@aSofaNearYou There is always a ‘risk’ though, although I wouldn’t call it a risk, a child living with their own parent is a totally normal thing, whichever parent it is! Their mum could die, have a mental breakdown and not cope, the other parents house suits the child’s needs at a different stage in life, also as children get older they may not get on with their mum so they also tend to try living with the other parent, most parents, resident or not, don’t usually close the door on their own children living with them! Whilst OP is completely entitled to feel the way she does, he should know now to save future trauma for everyone.

@helpfulperson

I think you have to tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship on this basis. If I knew my partner felt this I'd be out the door immediately. Obviously more complicated if you have a joint child but I'd still be off and looking for 50 50.

I agree.

@helpfulperson

I think you have to tell your partner so they can decide if they want to stay in the relationship on this basis. If I knew my partner felt this I'd be out the door immediately. Obviously more complicated if you have a joint child but I'd still be off and looking for 50 50.

What would be the point in saying that though?

I am fully aware it could happen, and I wouldn't ever stand in the way if it needed to happen.

I can appreciate leaving if your kids literally had to move in with you full time and your partner was saying no they can't. But why would anyone randomly be like 'oh by the way if some random hypothetical situation occurs, I'm not sure I'd cope with it'. There are lots of hypothetical situations I don't think I'd cope very well with in my relationship, I didn't discuss all of them beforehand.

My husband's ex is a very involved mother so the only scenarios where this would happen in our case is (god forbid) something happened to her or they chose to live here which I can't imagine they would so yes both seem unlikely so it's a risk I'm happy to live with.

And surely it's not a surprise to PPs that your partner's probably wouldn't be over the moon at the idea of the kids being their 24/7? Doesn't mean they dislike them obviously but I like that we get time without them too, I'm fairly sure my husband is aware of that.

I would get too involved with someone with kids if that is how I felt. Casual dating maybe but marriage or living together no way. It’s just setting up such a potential clusterfuck for the future.

[quote Beautifulday345]@aSofaNearYou There is always a ‘risk’ though, although I wouldn’t call it a risk, a child living with their own parent is a totally normal thing, whichever parent it is! Their mum could die, have a mental breakdown and not cope, the other parents house suits the child’s needs at a different stage in life, also as children get older they may not get on with their mum so they also tend to try living with the other parent, most parents, resident or not, don’t usually close the door on their own children living with them! Whilst OP is completely entitled to feel the way she does, he should know now to save future trauma for everyone.[/quote]
But you can't cover every eventuality right from the start, realistically. You can only really plan for the stage you're in so I think it would be really unreasonable to tell somebody (or expect someone to tell somebody) 'there is no way your kids would ever live with us' right from the start.

Like me, as I've said I wouldn't want my SCs to live with me full-time. However, this is based on previous and current experience and stages of their lives. I could feel totally different if one of them wanted to move in with us when they are 17/18 and are working or studying, which realistically (excluding a major disaster) is the soonest it would ever happen.

I think you just need to take things as they come and go day by day really.

I wouldn’t

Fortunately my DH's children are now adults, but if that had happened when they were younger it would have been a deal breaker. I chose not to have children and I certainly wouldn't want to live full time with someone else's. It would have broken my heart to leave him, but I know it would also have made me very unhappy to stay.

I couldn't love a man who had DC yet was unprepared to step up to provide a permanent home for them. You obviously love a man who puts you above his offspring. Not the sort of man I would go on to have a family with.

@LocalHobo

I couldn't love a man who had DC yet was unprepared to step up to provide a permanent home for them. You obviously love a man who puts you above his offspring. Not the sort of man I would go on to have a family with.

Where has this come from?

OP hasn't said her DH refused to provide a permanent home for his kids.

The issue is entirely theoretical.