Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

I think so, I feel the same. It's just not what I want for my life.

No harm in admitting it.
It’s not what I would want either.

Think that’s probably true for a lot of people.

Been there once, never ever again.

Is it looking like a possibility OP?

It’s fine to think or say that.

Lead to the end? Why do you think they will be moving in?? Apart from DH and my own kids I wouldn't want anyone living with me. I guess if they couldn't live with their mum then they would have no choice but to live with dad?

@RevolvingPivot

Lead to the end? Why do you think they will be moving in?? Apart from DH and my own kids I wouldn't want anyone living with me. I guess if they couldn't live with their mum then they would have no choice but to live with dad?

I don't think they are moving in, I just mean if they ever did for whatever reason.

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

It would be the end for me and my DP - not ashamed to admit it … my kids are older - I’ve been there, done that. Much as I love him I wouldn’t be happy

@MyDcAreMarvel

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

Says who? Is that the official definition of love?

Depends on a lot of things.

How old are the children.

How involved the other parent is, if at all.

How much would I be expected to step into the ‘mum’ role - what would be the emotional, mental and labour burden on me.

How big the house is and whether there’s reasonably enough room for everyone.

If I suddenly had to become mum to two more primary aged children and squeeze into a two up, two down semi, then I’d be off.

A five bed house with teens who’ll be off to uni in a couple of years, I could probably live with.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

Absolute bullocks. And thankfully you don’t get to dictate the terms of anyone else’s relationship or quantify their love.

Admit to who? Yourself? Fine. To us here on this board? Fine. Probably best not to say it to your family or anyone that could go back to your DH unless it's actually looking like a possibility.

Gosh I couldn't have entered into a relationship with existing children if I couldn't see myself being able to do so. Surely you discussed this prior to moving in? Or is this a more hypothetical question?

@MyDcAreMarvel

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

You can love someone but acknowledge that having a relationship with them in specific circumstances would just be too difficult. It's ok to admit that.

And I say that as someone who would stay with DP if DSD had to move in full time.

For me it would depend on things like their age, the circumstances, if I was expected to look after them, all sorts of factors. If it was like how it is at the moment I think I'd be ok if in a couple of years they moved in full time. But I won't know unless it happens.

I wouldn’t leave if mine wanted or had to be here full time. We had one of them full time for months with an hours notice a couple of years ago and it was much easier than shared contact.

But it’s a perfectly valid thing to say about your own relationship. If you don’t stand up for what you need who will?

My dp's dd has moved in. No way would I leave him, we make it work. You can't be in love if you can't make changes in circumstances work

@Potatoy

Admit to who? Yourself? Fine. To us here on this board? Fine. Probably best not to say it to your family or anyone that could go back to your DH unless it's actually looking like a possibility.

Tbh I disagree with this. The DH needs to know this before signing up to the marriage, really. I don't think you should have to blindside them.

When my ds eventually recognised that his df was neglectful and abusive he text me to get him out of there. As in exh's house.. I told my dh via phone as I was at work. He - as I was talking -picked up his car keys and went over immediately.. Over 30 miles away. Wasn't even a conversation..
Certainly never a position I expected to ever be in. Been 5 years. Lots of man hugging goes on in our home. Ds is now 20 and joined the army last year. With both me and dh at his parade..
No sign of exh has he hadn't been invited..
No judgement op but aren't you constantly on hot pins?

No I wouldn’t want it. But for that reason it’s why I would never live with my partner full time. I have been really clear that he will always need to maintain a home for him and his children separate to mine. I’m sure if the situation was reversed, he wouldn’t be over the moon at living full-time with mine either.

Would it mean an end to our relationship? Well I think that would depend on what my partners and my needs were.

I would be more than content to do the bulk of time with my children (just me and them) without someone else adding to the mix. Then see him a few times a week. I have no need to live with someone.

It’s whether he would be happy with the same, or whether he would want someone to be with him and his children fulltime and become a ‘family’. That person would not be me and it would result in a breakup. Would I be happy spending a few days here and there with him and his kids ? Sure, but full on involvement and raising his kids? No.

OP, whatever your truths are, you should tell your husband up front. It may be that your truths might impact his willingness to remain in a relationship with you. You both deserve honesty and openness on a matter of this importance.

I think it's totally fine to feel and natural to feel that way and be open about it, but also important to understand that when you're with a parent the risk is always there that something might happen that changes your situation completely. So you need to weigh up whether the relationship is worth that risk hanging over you always.

I would also not want to live with my SCs (or any children that aren't my own) full time, but equally I love my DP and I am not sure that I'd be able to just up and walk away if he ended up in a situation where his children had to live with us full-time.

If it was a matter of choice then I'd make my feelings knows and yes, may make the decision to walk away. But if (god forbid) something happened to their mum and my DP ended up a solo parent, could I just leave him to it? Or if something happened to one of my SCs which meant they needed lifelong care or couldn't live independently, how would I handle that?

It's so difficult and there are so many dilemmas that could occur.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

When my ds eventually recognised that his df was neglectful and abusive he text me to get him out of there. As in exh's house.. I told my dh via phone as I was at work. He - as I was talking -picked up his car keys and went over immediately.. Over 30 miles away. Wasn't even a conversation.. Certainly never a position I expected to ever be in. Been 5 years. Lots of man hugging goes on in our home. Ds is now 20 and joined the army last year. With both me and dh at his parade.. No sign of exh has he hadn't been invited.. No judgement op but aren't you constantly on hot pins?

Totally different situation though.