Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

I have not read any of the comments on this very long thread, but my immediate response is to say that I would not marry anyone with children if I had those thoughts and feelings. You have to know that circumstances can change, the custodial parent could die,etc. The child could decide that they want to live full time with the other parent.

Given that all of these factors are foreseeable and distinctly possible not only should you state your feelings, but you should not marry under these conditions.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Keep home separate, if possible, has been my personal approach. I’ve seen it get messy when home is shared and the “I didn’t sign up for this” retrospective realisation occurs.

I can see where you're coming from, but it's not unusual to have adult children living with you well into their 20s and sometimes 30s these days. Particularly if they have some special needs. How do you see your approach working longterm in this scenario?

At this point in time, I don't. This is why I am considering leaving the relationship. I could not live for the rest of my life like this.

He can be a lovely child, and I love him. I really do. However, I am not willing to dedicate my life to looking after him. And I never considered that I would have to.

[quote RedMarauder]@Mamaoflittleangels violence towards your children is a good reason to leave (or kick your partner out if the house is yours) as your children need to be kept safe.[/quote]
There is so much guilt in that option. I feel horrible even considering it, but I know it will end like that.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@Mamaoflittleangels this thread and the videos are worth a look for the food avoidances and connected tantrums:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4372650-to-hate-having-to-decide-what-the-bin-eats-every-day

If he's endangering young children, you need help or you will have no choice but to leave. Super Nanny? Social worker? How old is he?
Some churches/charities run respite care sessions if you're not averse.[/quote]
He is 12. I feel that his behaviour could be managed through therapy, however I am not his parent and when I have brought up the subject there was a degree of defensiveness from my partner. I think he is very self conscious of his son's condition and doesn't want to face what needs to be done to give him a chance to live a productive life. He needs the tools to be able to live in the world. At the moment, even though he is very social, I dont think he would be able to hold a job in any capacity.

I guess not basing a cohabiting relationship on the assumption that certain eventualities won’t materialise is one way to avoid the “I didn’t sign up for this” point in time. Those eventualities can materialise. No judgment. But realising what limits need to be in place before rather than after crises hits may be safer.

@SpaceshiptoMars it would appear you critically appraised a situation from the perspective of your own limits and capabilities and went into it with some critical thinking of realities rather than assumptions of a compartmentalised life (I may be wrong in assuming DH was already widowed and status quo of FT care of SDC was in place at the time). Or, you adapted dynamically to FT SDC including parental bereavement and SN as events unfolded before your eyes. Either way, I commend you.

@Mamaoflittleangels it sounds so difficult, and sad for everyone.

Hindsight not particularly helpful, and I guess you have to act with the facts you are now working with in real time.

@SpaceshiptoMars it would appear you critically appraised a situation from the perspective of your own limits and capabilities and went into it with some critical thinking of realities rather than assumptions of a compartmentalised life (I may be wrong in assuming DH was already widowed and status quo of FT care of SDC was in place at the time). Or, you adapted dynamically to FT SDC including parental bereavement and SN as events unfolded before your eyes. Either way, I commend you.

That would be nice wouldn't it However, I both overestimated my abilities and underestimated the complications just like everyone else here!

DH was already widowed, and I had plenty of family experience with special needs, but it was barely enough. When the older ones weighed in, and tried to force our hands it nearly broke me. Very close run thing, down to the wire. DH and I had some joint therapy which turned the tide, but I can't claim to have breezed through it at all. I do claim success so far with the younger ones, but the price to get them their independence was huge.

At the moment, even though he is very social, I don't think he would be able to hold a job in any capacity.

Is he is mainstream education? Statemented? Seen a psychiatrist?

@Mamaoflittleangels who is going to keep your children safe if it is not you?

You have no parental responsibility for your SS.

It is your job as their parent to protect your children from violence in the home.

If you don't and they get to secondary age they can find ways to live some where else. It is harder now then it use to be, particularly if their father isn't around, but it is not impossible.

I think this is such an interesting thread, so I think it depends.
If DM dropped down dead tomorrow I would probably take on the role as a mother figure fairly easily. I'm some ways it almost appeals. No more money being paid out, no more texts, no more long commutes or arguments.
If however a 14yo DSD requested to live full time with DH I'd find that incredibly difficult, still having to deal with the ex and a non related pubescent girl in the mix too. No thanks. I'd put my foot down unless the DM had thrown her out which would be very unlikely given my circumstances

@SpaceshiptoMars

At the moment, even though he is very social, I don't think he would be able to hold a job in any capacity.

Is he is mainstream education? Statemented? Seen a psychiatrist?

He is mainstream but no psychologist. I feel he needs the help of a psych and an OT however when I bring up the issue my partner and I end up fighting. I believe a psych would help him with life skills he could use in order to interpret the world around him. I don't think he is ready for life after high school at all.

I feel he needs the help of a psych and an OT however when I bring up the issue my partner and I end up fighting.

If you are at the point of leaving anyway, throw down the gauntlet. Make it a relationship condition that he gets his child the proper support. You don't have a future unless you get a support network, so go all out. That lad will thank you eventually, and so will DP. Even if it then goes belly up, you will know you left them with a better future than they had before. And DP will respect you for fighting for his childs' future.

I’m in a very similar situation. It’s hell on earth. Fortunately he’s not FT.

@MyDcAreMarvel and @jimmyjammy001 are you stepparents yourselves?

Oh I wouldn't want my step children moving in either. Not afraid to admit it but I don't enjoy it when they are here. I'm as nice as pie but I love getting my house back when they are gone

@Mamaoflittleangels

At the moment, even though he is very social, I don't think he would be able to hold a job in any capacity.

Have a read of this thread, and see if it rings any bells. If it does, you may feel you've found a magic wand:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4376730-can-anyone-give-me-hope-by-sharing-positive-experiences-of-adhd-medication