Haven’t managed to read the full thread but have got the gist of some of the key issues.
What stands out to me is the altogether greater, more detailed and intense need for critical assessment before developing a serious relationship with a person who is a parent.
Being brutally honest with oneself at that initial pre investment stage: what am I signing up for / am I genuinely up for it - of course we cannot fully and wholly know what we are signing up for, but I believe there is a moral duty of care to consider this insofar as possible.
Of course we don’t tend during the initial heady honey moon period do a critical personal assessment of how we would respond if our partner became disabled / had a degenerative disease / became unemployable etc. They seem so removed from reality as possibilities. But in my view considering the hypothetical reality of SDC potentially falling into the FT care of the partner-parent is quite different to pondering other possible future scenarios, simply because they are already there, they exist, and getting into a serious (marriage or cohabiting) relationship with their parent would ideally include some really honest and critical assessment / risk assessment / planning for eventualities. Because it’s the lives of dependents at stake, and separating the “person” from the “parent” when they are one and the same is possibly a compartmentalising approach that some people manage very well (but somehow doesn’t sit right for me personally on a gut level.)
I say this as someone whose DC has a SM, who has made it very clear she didn’t sign up to / doesn’t want them there (much), and they themselves have observed she wants their dad and not them - in the most childlike terms. So separating the person from the parent conceptually (you want the partner parts but not the parent parts) and absence of early days full and honest critical assessment, seems to be where some of the problems arise. Probably tidier to just not get involved with a parent if you can’t stomach the idea of their DC living there FT. Although I appreciate life is as black and white is this, and should you deny a potentially great relationship for this reason, not sure. Possibly.
I’m sure many people manage well, with very neat and tidy scenarios with part time SDC and I do not judge that, nor their own acceptance of their personal limits around this. But honesty to ourselves re personal limits at early days is possibly needed.
Maybe getting involved with a parent when we’ve been very honest with ourselves re personal limits may then be executed as a committed but non cohabiting relationship. Another model. Not necessarily better or right. But that honesty colours things to the point one wouldn’t place oneself in the epicentre of a SD’s domestic life and home so risks are managed differently. It’s when everyone is sharing homes that risks change. Keep home separate, if possible, has been my personal approach. I’ve seen it get messy when home is shared and the “I didn’t sign up for this” retrospective realisation occurs.