Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Woodmarshno you are not a martyr but neither are you able to put your spouses needs above your wants. That’s not love , that’s being a relationship for what you get out of it. If your idea of marriage is your own personal happiness that is a selfish way to live.
If your step children’s mother died and the children went to live with your husband then you would divorce him. then that’s not love , don’t kid yourself your do.[/quote]
I'm not saying I'd be filling in divorce papers the second it happened but that I imagine it would end up that way as I imagine I'd end up incredibly unhappy.

@VanGoghsDog yes I expect they did.

It is interesting how many stepdads don’t have much choice, especially if the biological isn’t on the scene much, if at all
To paraphrase an old favourite - "they knew what they were getting into".
If you move in with an RP, you know you will be living with your step kids. That's the choice you get - move in or don't move in.
If you move in with an NRP, you know that you won't be living with your step kids. After that choice has been made, there is no real choice about if or when that set up changes. Other people decide that.
It's a totally different sequence of events.

There's something incredibly callous about thinking you'd actually leave your DP if his ex passed away and he was left with the children to raise alone. It may not be want for your life but sometimes life happens to be people we love and requires things that are different to what we thought we wanted. Not that it's easy but the alternative - walking out on someone you enjoyed the good times with and a bereaved set of children - is not a morally neutral choice. By all means, live your life for yourself but don't kid yourself that it would be an acceptable thing to do to someone.

it may not be what you want for your life

I’d think it but I wouldn’t say it. Why ruin your marriage over something that might never happen?

@crasscloud

There's something incredibly callous about thinking you'd actually leave your DP if his ex passed away and he was left with the children to raise alone. It may not be want for your life but sometimes life happens to be people we love and requires things that are different to what we thought we wanted. Not that it's easy but the alternative - walking out on someone you enjoyed the good times with and a bereaved set of children - is not a morally neutral choice. By all means, live your life for yourself but don't kid yourself that it would be an acceptable thing to do to someone.

So you think if someone tried their best but ultimately ended up very unhappy in the long term, they should stay "for the kids"?

Would you say this about any other relationship, that someone should stay because of the kids and because they used to share happy times with someone or is it just step parents?

Again, I've not said I'd leave immediately. I said I'd give it my best shot but I imagine it would damage our relationship in the long run.

I think if that's how your feel that's how you feel.

Just like I wouldn't ever get with someone who has kids. I have kids of my own but i wouldn't want to blend my kids and someone else's. We all have choices.

However, if my dp felt that way. I would want to know. Because I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person who felt, me stepping up and taking my kids full time (I do the majority anyway) time, would lead to the end. Obviously, sometimes it happens both people feel it will work and it doesn't.

But I would want to know what limitations my partner already believed they had so I could choose wether to hold a life with this person or not. And the choice would be, not.

What you are actually saying is your DH can never live with his own children if he wishes to remain married to you

@BruceAndNosh

What you are actually saying is your DH can never live with his own children if he wishes to remain married to you

Well yes, but that is still a choice. He can choose to live with his children instead if that is what he wants.

YANBU, I also don’t want to parent any extra children. DH’s sister has put him down as the legal guardian for her child if she dies, and we had a huge argument because I said I’m not taking on the role of mother to an additional child. I have my own priorities for my life, I purposely didn’t have another child myself because my priority is to return to work and have a career, and the burden of an additional child would scupper that. We had a huge argument because I said I’d leave him to raise his nephew as a single parent. At the end of the day we just agreed it was unlikely to happen and we stopped talking about it.

My DP's son has come to live with him full-time recently –coincidentally I got my own place a few months before this happened (before we knew it was happening) and we're all super-happy with the setup.

You don't have to leave your relationship to not live with his kids.

DSS is 15, though –so it's not quite the same as if he were still a little guy.

@BruceAndNosh

What you are actually saying is your DH can never live with his own children if he wishes to remain married to you

I guess that's a simple way to put it.

It sounds too much like an ultimatum I'd give him though for me.

I wouldn't say 'its me or the kids' if they were coming to live here full time, he never would and I would never let him, choose me over his kids.

But I'm not going to pretend it's a situation I could see myself being happy in and ultimately wanting to stay in.

@LittleMysSister fine but that isn’t what OP is doing, she has said she WOULD leave. She is not taking things as they come and seeing how it goes

Why is it seen as ok for my DH's ex to have left and get divorced, meaning upheaval for the children because she was unhappy and found someone else. But if I left because I was unhappy I would be seen as evil just because someone else's kids are involved in the equation?

It is interesting how many stepdads don’t have much choice, especially if the biological isn’t on the scene much, if at all
Yes but as most mums are rp's most stepdads know they will be living with her dc most of the time from the get go. Totally different or the dc aren't rdc but then become so.
When I was with exdp I would have totally understood if he had to take his dc full time however I would totally opted out of living with them. My main priority is my mental health & the wellbeing of my dc & having to live with his dc would have destroyed all that.
At my age (49) and as a woman with dc I cannot afford to be sentimental about Love, no matter how much I wish I could be.

@Potatoy completely different scenario leaving someone which in turn affects the children compared with leaving someone because of their children, who they already had, and you knew the risks involved with such a relationship. Not even remotely the same

So you have to get what you want to be happy, and if you're not getting what you want to be happy you can leave any situation you feel like, no matter how hurtful? And this has to be ok because nobody should be unhappy?

There are fragments of this I agree with but they're embedded in a larger attitude that would create its own outcome. Yes, if you must have what you want to the exclusion of all else and you couldn't adjust what you wanted then fine, you must do as you please. I would personally find it quite an empty life as to be ok with it I would in turn not necessarily expect my DH to stick around in the event I was diagnosed with a serious illness, say, and that diminishes things for me.

I find that people like this are often so fixated on how happy they are that there isn't a chance of them being happy in circumstances that more loving people would knuckle down in and dig a bit deeper to find meaningful and fulfilling. So for them, they're correct in thinking it's check mate when someone else could have emerged with their happiness intact, even if this wasn't their first choice.

@Potatoy - EXCELLENT point!

@Potatoy I suppose because you knew that your DH had children, and they might one day want to live with their dad on a full-time basis.

Interesting that there are many step mums on here who say they would possibly leave if DSC came to live with them FT. Does that mean if when you first met your partner they had the children living with them FT you would have run a mile at that point, and it was only because he had the DC part-time that you considered the relationship. I wonder what the percentage difference is between SM and SD who make that decision, as I assume there are more SD with full-time DSC then there are SM

@Potatoy

Why is it seen as ok for my DH's ex to have left and get divorced, meaning upheaval for the children because she was unhappy and found someone else. But if I left because I was unhappy I would be seen as evil just because someone else's kids are involved in the equation?

Did the ex have a pretty good idea having kids would mean he leaving him?

Or knew something that would lead to her leaving him and chose to settle down with him anyway?

It’s also one thing to end up in the scenario, struggle with it and decide to leave, but to actually anticipate it before it’s even happened, yet continuing with the relationship anyway is insane!

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Potatoy I suppose because you knew that your DH had children, and they might one day want to live with their dad on a full-time basis.

Interesting that there are many step mums on here who say they would possibly leave if DSC came to live with them FT. Does that mean if when you first met your partner they had the children living with them FT you would have run a mile at that point, and it was only because he had the DC part-time that you considered the relationship. I wonder what the percentage difference is between SM and SD who make that decision, as I assume there are more SD with full-time DSC then there are SM[/quote]
No I wouldn't have gotten with him if he had his DC full time.

I do find the comparison with SMs and SDs slightly unrealistic though. We all know it's still the norm for women to take on most of the work with children. I firmly believe being a full time SM would be more heavily child orientated than being a full time SD, that is unfortunately how our society operates! Women are supposed to be motherly, men are just supposed to be nice.

[quote Beautifulday345]@Potatoy completely different scenario leaving someone which in turn affects the children compared with leaving someone because of their children, who they already had, and you knew the risks involved with such a relationship. Not even remotely the same[/quote]
Ex chose to have those children with DH. She had a choice too.

@Potatoy did she anticipate leaving before she had them? Did she leave BECAUSE of them? Sorry, don’t see the link