Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

My DH was the "disposable" step child. In my opinion MIL was wrong to try to chase away his dad and pretend her new man and his family were DHs family. Very, very wrong.
He's not seen his new dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles for nigh over 20 years since his mum's relationship broke down.
What was the point of pushing for their relationships to be anything other than what they were? That's where alot of step family problems seem to start, from reading this board.

What was the point of pushing for their relationships to be anything other than what they were? That's where alot of step family problems seem to start, from reading this board. I agree, if everyone just accepts the relationships for what they are and don't force anything things work a lot better.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

I completely agree, you know they have children and so should know that some point in the future they could be moving back in if they fall on hard times/circumstances change and will need to accept that and not just leave, otherwise don't get into a relationship with them, its not fair on them or their children.

@jimmyjammy001 if a poster was to come on here saying that my partner has just said if I don’t do xyz, it shows I don’t love them enough. Every response would be to tell them that the relationship they are in is abusive and that is out and out manipulation.

But suddenly in this scenario, what, it’s acceptable to use that line?

If you loved me you’d move across the world to support my job
If you loved me you’d be more open in the bedroom
If you loved me you’d give me the money to support the next lawsuit
If you loved me you’d move hundreds of miles away from friends/ family/ job to support me
If you loved me, you’d let my elderly parent move in so I didn’t have to put them in a care home
If you loved me you’d let us get us a pet

…..

Only on this board are step parents expected, time and again, to our up with situations that anywhere else people would be told is untenable.

Hypocrisy is tantamount. I’d love to know the backgrounds/ profiles of people repeatedly posting this sort of nonsense here.

If you loved me I’d get sex whenever I wanted
If you loved me you wouldn’t go out dressed like that
If you loved me you wouldn’t have friends who are male

It’s really disgusting actually that posters come on here and actively perpetuate language and behaviour like this. I thought we’d moved past people being told what it is they needed to do with their lives because of someone else’s view of what ‘love’ looks like.

Again, some posters on here need to go take a long hard look at themselves and think about what they are actively telling other women (in the main) that they should do for ‘love.’

Again, some posters on here need to go take a long hard look at themselves and think about what they are actively telling other women (in the main) that they should do for ‘love.’

People here are effectively saying:

"It's OK for me to divorce this man because he's utterly unlivable with, but if I die, you are not allowed to. Ever. Because if you do, my children will suffer."

Yes they are. Along with very powerful language designed to shame posters for voicing their reality/ feelings. Disgusting.

@JustGreatThatIs sorry been away.

I don't think it's cold that you don't want to play Mam, some people and other peoples kids just don't gel.... I know plenty of kids I don't like.

But if my OHs kids needed to come and live with us because of a family crisis, leaving wouldn't be the first thing to come to my head. That's the bit I found a bit cold.

However I don't know enough about what may/may not have happened between you and the SCs to make you feel this way.

[quote sassbott]@jimmyjammy001 if a poster was to come on here saying that my partner has just said if I don’t do xyz, it shows I don’t love them enough. Every response would be to tell them that the relationship they are in is abusive and that is out and out manipulation.

But suddenly in this scenario, what, it’s acceptable to use that line?

If you loved me you’d move across the world to support my job
If you loved me you’d be more open in the bedroom
If you loved me you’d give me the money to support the next lawsuit
If you loved me you’d move hundreds of miles away from friends/ family/ job to support me
If you loved me, you’d let my elderly parent move in so I didn’t have to put them in a care home
If you loved me you’d let us get us a pet

…..

Only on this board are step parents expected, time and again, to our up with situations that anywhere else people would be told is untenable.

Hypocrisy is tantamount. I’d love to know the backgrounds/ profiles of people repeatedly posting this sort of nonsense here.[/quote]
All but elderly parent scenario are simply not remotely a relevant analogy to

“If you loved me, you would accept that because of XYZ, my children need me to be the RP and this means him/her/them moving in”

As I keep saying, I would say

“Well clearly I don’t love you enough because I’m off!”

Shudder at thought of sharing my bathroom with a 13 year old boy that wasn’t MY 13 year old boy.

If you loved me, you would accept that because of XYZ, my children need me to be the RP and this means him/her/them moving in

I don't think anyone is saying they would prevent the children moving in though are they? They are saying that they would move out...and believe me most SMs would really rather not have to get divorced, move out of their home etc. It's just that in certain people's situations for whatever reason, that incredibly painful process is preferable to having to live with these particular children in this particular situation. If the SM had married a different man, or the children were different, she might welcome them with open arms and be happy to stay. Everyone's situation is different and often highly nuanced based on existing relationships and past experiences.

But what happens if they had both bought the house together?!

I’m genuinely curious about the logistics!

@SpaceshiptoMars

Again, some posters on here need to go take a long hard look at themselves and think about what they are actively telling other women (in the main) that they should do for ‘love.’

People here are effectively saying:

"It's OK for me to divorce this man because he's utterly unlivable with, but if I die, you are not allowed to. Ever. Because if you do, my children will suffer."

Yeah that's it basically. My DSC's mum is allowed to leave DH and cause them to live between two homes but I, with no responsibility towards them whatsoever, am expected to stay with their dad come what may For the SaKE of ThE ChILDreN.

@Marmitemarinaded

But what happens if they had both bought the house together?!

I’m genuinely curious about the logistics!

Same as in any other divorce

A marriage divorcing because the Non RP wants/needs to become the RP?

Wow. They must really not want to live with their partners children!!

@Marmitemarinaded

A marriage divorcing because the Non RP wants/needs to become the RP?

Wow. They must really not want to live with their partners children!!

If it comes to it then yes.

I mean my ex's first wife clearly wasn't worried about living with her own kids 100% of the time when she cheated and divorced their dad. So why should I feel obliged to stay with him if I don't want them around 100% of the time?

Why are stepmums held to a higher standard than mums?

I wonder about the divorce point too. I'm the higher earner and put most of the equity into our house / pay a bigger share of the mortgage etc. I fully accept that DH would be entitled to 50% as a start point in event of divorce (we have no DCs together). But say the SDCs moved in and we divorced later...even though they are not my children would he then be entitled to stay in the house/ receive a larger share of the equity / be able to claim CM from me? A friend of mine got divorced a while back and because his SDCs dad wasn't in the picture his settlement reflected that they were 'children of the family' and in addition to their DM receiving pretty much all the equity in the house, he was ordered to pay part of the cost of putting them through Uni (one was ready there and the other about to go)

I think this is a toxic discussion. I am shocked by the inhumanity being expressed towards step children on this thread. It is all about the happiness of the current wife/partner. No wonder step mothers have such a bad reputation. Sorry, unpopular view I know....

@BadMotherLover

I think this is a toxic discussion. I am shocked by the inhumanity being expressed towards step children on this thread. It is all about the happiness of the current wife/partner. No wonder step mothers have such a bad reputation. Sorry, unpopular view I know....

The children's parents are looking out for their welfare. As long as they are told that the adults think its best for them and they can get more attention from dad this way I don't see why it would be any more traumatic for them that when their own parents split up. And no one told them not to.

@BadMotherLover

I think this is a toxic discussion. I am shocked by the inhumanity being expressed towards step children on this thread. It is all about the happiness of the current wife/partner. No wonder step mothers have such a bad reputation. Sorry, unpopular view I know....

Shocked I tell you, shocked [hmmm]

Stop acting as if stepmums are spoils of war, Afghanistan style. The first family have not captured a concubine. Her time, energy and assets do not belong to you!

Concubines? Afghanistan? WTF!! Seriously?

@BadMotherLover

I think this is a toxic discussion. I am shocked by the inhumanity being expressed towards step children on this thread. It is all about the happiness of the current wife/partner. No wonder step mothers have such a bad reputation. Sorry, unpopular view I know....

Are you playing this game @BadMotherLover

You see all the time on here women asking 'should I stay for the sake of the children' and being told no, you have to do what makes you happy, life is too short etc etc.

So whyyyy should a stepmum stay in a situation that is making her unhappy 'for the sake of the children'? I really don't get it. Is it because its effectively a rejection of the children, where in the first situation it isn't? But these are not the stepmums children and she doesn't have the responsibility towards them that actual parents do

@KylieKoKo ha! That's great! Where did you find it?What does the really long one say on the end of the 4th row down?