Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

mercenary
adjective
primarily concerned with making money at the expense of ethics.

noun
a professional soldier hired to serve in a foreign army.

Nobody is mercenary for working and earning money purely for their own childrens benefit.
Nobody is mercenary for leaving a marriage on which they are no longer happy.

I had that post deleted because it was a lot of goady shite that didn't deserve internet space. Can we not just let it lie?

To answer your point, I believe you could very much be exposed financially. My view is based on a convo with my family lawyers a few years back as I sought advice on cohabiting / marriage. and what agreements could be drawn up to protect respective assets etc. Their strong advice based on current Uk law was to not marry and to cohabit only with a very strong agreement that set out ‘terms’ of cohabitation. Any big change of circumstances post that agreement (so a joint baby/ step children coming to live FT), could undermine the agreement in the event of a separation. But the longer the co-habitation. The more chances of it being disputed in the event of separation/ death.

The things they bought up were; contributions towards living/ mortgage. Role of spouse/ partner. So if you are a high earner/ working away - and a partner / spouse can prove that they helped with house/ children and enabled your higher earnings - a judge would look at that. Housing/ provision/ schooling of children. If it can be deemed that your earnings housed/ fed/ clothed and provided for these children, in effect, you have set a financial precedent that a court could very easily rule you need to continue to provide for. This is highly unlikely in an EOW set up but much more likely in a FT set up. It can get very very very messy.

The laws in this country need to be tightened up, substantially. As based on the current laws. I would not co-habit full time, and I would only marry in the event that a clear agreement was hammered out showing that my partner needs to retain a separate home to me and provide for his children separately.

Now the area I could not get an bottom out satisfactorily (and this will make any remaining brain cells in some posters brains) is what would I then do in the event that something happened to my partner (illness etc) that he could no longer work/ pay for a separate home - where would that leave me? Especially let’s argue if he is a 50/50 set up.

Would I bring him to live with me? Sure.
Would I say his children can then also come and live with me for 50% of the time. Not so sure.
Logistically would the onus then be on me to somehow ensure that 50/50 could continue? It would logistically be impossible. Would I cut my work hours to make it happen? No.
Would I want to live with his children / have my children live with his children 50% of the month? No. If he was unable to pay CMS, would I step up and pay it? No.

But on the flip side if something happened to me, would I expect him to step up and provide for my children? No. My exh would be told to step up (and he would). My family would be drafted into help. Financially I would downsize immediately to try and keep the wheels turning. I wouldn’t think it fair to call on his resources (which would take away from his own children’s future and his own future financial security) to help my children.

These are the sorts of thoughts that make me ‘mercenary’. Again I make no apologies about it. Men can have these conversations and it’s smart financial planning. If women have them, all we ‘care about is money’ (said in critical voice).

It’s about time women cared more about their financial independence (including as it extends to step children) as we remain years behind men in regards to this point.

@Youseethethingis I actually think we need to surface some of these debates. If we talk about, we make it permissible/ normal for a woman/ step parent to say ‘sorry no, my looking out for my own financial well-being does not make me mercenary.’

To be clear at one very low point in my relationship (pre break up), was he levelled those very words at me. I was mercenary and all I cared about was money, when I bought up the legalities / financial ramifications to me if we moved in together. My simple response was that all discussions were now off the table and that of course I cared about money.

I am not shamed about that, and it gets said to women more often than we care to think about. It boils my blood when time and again on here I see posters wanting to do something special with their families (special destination holidays) and they are shamed on here for leaving their step children out. Poor women get it from their partners and on here. My response? Leave the partner at home and go yourself with your child/ren and have the best time possible. It’s what I do. It’s not my responsibility (or anyone in my families) to pay for my partner and/ or his children. My view is that anyone who thinks that way is infact the mercenary person.

You've far more patience than me. I'd rather not give nonsense like that oxygen. Nobody should have to defend looking out for their own childrens financial security.
To me it's just a poor understanding of language coupled with a desire to wound, not worthy of any actual discussion.

@aSofaNearYou it can absolutely happen.

If I give the following scenario. I am married. My husband has 50/50 contact. I have my own children and/ or a joint child. I am by far the higher earner and during the relationship (next 10 years) my earnings increase two fold. My husband has smaller earnings but can wfh/ works less hours. That means he is able to care for all the children/ do school runs/ wfh so look after children over holidays/ when ill. He takes that role and that in turn enables me to work the hours/ locations I need to earn the money I earn. A higher portion of money in turn pays to house/ cloth/ feed all the children. My income has provided for the ‘family.’

In the event of a separation, my partner could 100% argue that his role enabled my earnings. His earnings took a hit as regards supporting me. My role was to provide financially, that was our agreement and it therefore needed to continue post separation.

There are clear things that can be implemented to prevent that happening. One of which (as an example) is retaining a nanny to care for the children. Therefore cutting the link between care for children/ his ability to earn.
Clear lines between his money providing for his children and your money providing for yours (this one is so hard and actually would lead to inequality between the children financially). So one set of children attend private school (and do the associated sports/ ski trips) and the others do not.

My point is this. More of us should be having these conversations up front and with confidence. To understand what our partners expectations are/ how they themselves react to these conversations. My partner did not react well to being told that my money was not there to provide for his children. Equally I did not react well to the inate initial entitlement he had that it should.

@magda72 read the OP, I was writing about step children because that is what OP started the discussion with! '*Leaving DH if DSC moved in full time.'
We are adults here, they are children, AND before someone else 'helpfully' suggests that I am advocating 'for the sake of the children, until they are grown up' I am not.
We all knew pretty much what we were buying into. Be an adult about this. We are very lucky if it goes to plan, it probably won't, but don't damage the children in your blended family for the sake of your personal 'happiness'.
Like I wrote before, I accept that this is an unpopular view.

[quote BadMotherLover]**@magda72* read the OP, I was writing about step children because that is what OP started the discussion with! 'Leaving DH if DSC moved in full time.'
We are adults here, they are children, AND before someone else 'helpfully' suggests that I am advocating 'for the sake of the children, until they are grown up' I am not.
We all knew pretty much what we were buying into. Be an adult about this. We are very lucky if it goes to plan, it probably won't, but don't damage the children in your blended family for the sake of your personal 'happiness'.
Like I wrote before, I accept that this is an unpopular view.[/quote]
I can tell you now, my step sons wouldn't give a flying fuck if me and my husband spilt up!

@sassbott I had a similar discussion with my husband about a year ago. I had a lot of equity in my house before he moved in. We were discussing wills and he was under the impression that everything would be split 3 ways between his two kids and my one. I put him right. It didn't go down well but now he does understand.

AND before someone else 'helpfully' suggests that I am advocating 'for the sake of the children, until they are grown up' I am not
When are SMs permitted to leave their unhappy marriages then, pray?

[quote BadMotherLover]**@magda72* read the OP, I was writing about step children because that is what OP started the discussion with! 'Leaving DH if DSC moved in full time.'
We are adults here, they are children, AND before someone else 'helpfully' suggests that I am advocating 'for the sake of the children, until they are grown up' I am not.
We all knew pretty much what we were buying into. Be an adult about this. We are very lucky if it goes to plan, it probably won't, but don't damage the children in your blended family for the sake of your personal 'happiness'.
Like I wrote before, I accept that this is an unpopular view.[/quote]
Oh honestly, the children will not be damaged more by their step parent leaving their dad than the step parent would be by staying in an unhappy situation forever. It's an absolutely ridiculous, abusive expectation that they should never be able to leave.

[quote chocolatesaltyballs22]@sassbott I had a similar discussion with my husband about a year ago. I had a lot of equity in my house before he moved in. We were discussing wills and he was under the impression that everything would be split 3 ways between his two kids and my one. I put him right. It didn't go down well but now he does understand.[/quote]
It's even more astounding given he had two kids and you had one. He expected two thirds to go to his kids? The mind boggles, it really does.

Be an adult about this.
Jesus wept!
ANYbody who is prepared to walk away from a relationship to protect their emotional & financial well-being & that of their children all the while acknowledging & respecting their partners wish to prioritise his children IS being an adult about it!
Honestly - this aspect of this thread had turned into a Bermuda Triangle when intelligent input goes to die!

@BadMotherLover who actually gives a flying fuck about children/ adults? Every single person is in this situation because someone at some point made a decision to end their family therefore creating the potential for a ‘step family.’
I count myself as amongst those people. I could have stayed in my my marriage and I’m sure at some level our children would have been far happier than us putting them through separation/ divorce. But I didn’t. I put my personal happiness as an ADULT ahead of children. And I would do the same in a heartbeat for children that aren’t mine.

Which part of that blunt reality can you not fathom? Let me say it again. In caps and bold.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS BOARD IS HERE BECAUSE THE ACTUAL PARENTS OF THR CHILDREN PUT THEIR HAPPINESS AHEAD OF THEIR CHILDREN

(The only caveat being FT parents who’s other parent is not involved/ has passed.)

What point are you serving in being so deliberately obtuse and completely ignoring any of these points being put to you? What exactly is your axe to grind? Are your children in a step family situation when not with you? What is your context within which you are posting on this board? Because it’s clear you aren’t prepared to live with children who aren’t yours.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 and that is the entitlement I see time and again on these boards. That your hard earned money should go towards his children when he/ they have absolutely zero legal (or moral) rights to it.

The rhetoric doesn’t just come from entitled people posting on here. But from the men themselves in RL. It’s astounding and it’s why I think more women should do as you and I have. I actually think women with no children in these situations fare worse. Because when they talk about leaving their inheritance to nephews/ nieces in their blood families over and above the SC that is met with even stronger backlash. In my will (in the sad event that something happens to all of us), my nieces/ nephews will inherit. At no point will I ever change that.

@sassbott he claimed he hadn't really thought about it and didn't care about money that much. Easy for him to say when he came into the marriage with much fewer assets than me. For a long time he made me feel guilty and that it in some way meant that I didn't care about his kids. He does get it now. The bottom line is they are not my kids and I am not financially responsible for them in any way.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 you see and that again is why I reiterate that we need to surface these convos. Like you I felt awful after having the conversations and fortunately I had a superb counsellor who specialised in these scenarios and bluntly told me to protect my financial security.

I also don’t buy the BS that these men peddle out of ‘I hadn’t thought about it.’ Rubbish. If anyone has been through a divorce/ financial mediation, that is not something anyone forgets in a hurry. The infamous Kanye ‘gold digger’ song comes to mind if I’m honest. My partner trotted out the same nonsense at which point I responded along the lines you did. It is very easy to not ‘think about it’ when you know your partner is wealthier than you are. It’s a win win in that situation, so of course they’ll say that they don’t think about it.

If the situations were reversed, they would 100% be thinking about it.

@sassbot thank you for being so abusive. I have never written that I would not be prepared to live with Children who aren't mine. Please don't mis-represent my views. I am sorry that you are so upset by my opinions, tbh I think I have hit a raw nerve and you know that what you are advocating is bad. I am not the echo chamber you were looking for.

@BadMotherLover oops sorry, I confused you with someone else re the living together. Apologies.

How is my post abusive? Please highlight which part you find abusive so I can understand?

But my question stands. Everyone is on this board because someone somewhere put their happiness above their children’s and divorced/ separated / chose to never be with the parent of their child?
Hence step families. Why are you and others continually ignoring/ not head on addressing that point whilst vilifying people who say they too have that right on their relationships regardless of the needs of the step children?

You can’t answer it can you? Because there is no answer other than admitting that it’s a complete double standard.

Is that the part you find abusive?

I am sorry that you are so upset by my opinions, tbh I think I have hit a raw nerve and you know that what you are advocating is bad.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

What she is advocating for is that people should not feel they need to stay in unhappy relationships indefinitely because other people's kids are involved. That you are genuinely so convinced your argument that people should do that is correct that you don't even think it's possible for someone to disagree with you, is laughable. What you are advocating is fucking awful, and you're delusional if you think we're all sat here plagued by guilt because we secretly know how "bad" we are.

My DP and I parent quite differently so whilst manageable with his children with us at weekends it really wouldn't work full time. His children are similar ages to mine but don't have to lift a finger at home. I'm not prepared to wait on them all full-time .

And what I am advocating for is not bad. I won’t be shamed by posters like you. And I won’t allow your backward double standard opinions somehow think you can shame people into thinking your way.

I will advocate for these views here, in other forums and at some point I hope to set up a more formal institution/ charity that provides much more grounded advice and support to families who find themselves in these situations.

@sassbot this is abusive:
'What point are you serving in being so deliberately obtuse and completely ignoring any of these points being put to you? What exactly is your axe to grind? Are your children in a step family situation when not with you? What is your context within which you are posting on this board? Because it’s clear you aren’t prepared to live with children who aren’t yours.'
It is especially abusive, because you have attributed views to me that I don't hold and didn't express. Why did you do that?
Thank you for apologising. Your post is still abusive.

I think this is a toxic discussion. I am shocked by the inhumanity being expressed towards step children on this thread. It is all about the happiness of the current wife/partner. No wonder step mothers have such a bad reputation. Sorry, unpopular view I know....

That’s what you posted yesterday. I asked you this. Everyone is in-their current situation because someone somewhere (a parent) made the decision to separate/ divorce/ not live with the parent of their child for the sake of their own happiness.

So why is it that you’re vilifying step parents who say they have the right to do the same?

Throw the term abusive around as much as you wish. What’s clear is that you can’t (or won’t) answer the clear question being put to you and you’re engaging in classic deflection.

I’ve apologised for confusing you with another poster. And I’ve every right to ask you with what context/ experience you’re posting on here. Again if you find that abusive? That’s on you, I stand by what I’ve written. Feel free to report me.