@Magda72 I completely echo what you have said.
As I’ve said before, I increasingly think there are two sets of parents. Those who have a healthy grounded point of view of their children’s pecking order in the world. And those who don’t. Those who don’t are the ones using emotive words like
‘mercenary, selfish, entitled, princesses’ (I can go on but I won’t), are very emotive and provocative words designed to provoke a very strong emotional response in posters/ step parents.
The key for us more experienced posters now (who know that this is complete BS), is to not react to these provocative statements but to pick them apart, so that SP’s lacking our experience don’t take comments to heart and feel that these things are true about them.
I know that when I knew no better and was midst these battles myself, these words/ comments cut deep and it resulted in (as you have rightly said), causing my mental health and well being to deteriorate rapidly. At times I felt I was going mad feeling the way I did and having the concerns I had re my own children/ my family life.
Fast forward a few years and a break up, and I cannot even begin to describe how different a person I am. I have mentally, emotionally (and physically) been able to completely separate my partners issues with his exw/ children from my own personal life. I feel not one compunction of guilt, shame, selfish, entitled or anything else remotely negative. I personally feel proud for reaching the point i have. Where I have complete clarity about what I need and my family needs and how I can support/ love my partner without losing sight of those needs amongst his conflict/ dysfunction. I am also completely and unapologetically clear about where his children sit in my priority list and they are quite far down. I will support my partner as best I can. I will help out adhoc if he needs it, of course I would. I will always be warm and welcoming, kind and consistent. If I treat my children when we are together I will treat his. I would behave the same if any other child was in my environment. I will enjoy their company and hopefully they will enjoy mine - when we see each other the priority is to create happy memories for everyone and whatever grows from that organically is what will be. Beyond those simple parameters, his children are not my concern.
I feel the need to address the mercenary comment (as money often comes up on these boards). I have thought about this and i agree, I am completely mercenary. Again I make zero apologies for it. The assets I have post divorce are through my own hard graft. The people who pay the greatest price of my working hard are my own children and obviously myself. I have zero intention of working as hard as I do, for my money in anyway to provide for children that are not mine.
A poster (my apologies I forgot the name of the poster), posted a very brilliant point that none of us have picked up/ continued the conversation about. And it is very relevant and in case law, has precedent, so a step parent could very easily see themselves financially screwed if stepchildren came to live with them FT and they were the High earner who provided a home to these children. In the event of a divorce (years later), these step parents could very easily see themselves having to pay maintenance/ costs for these children as courts would view them has ‘family’ and accordingly rule that that financial upkeep would need to continue.
Step parents did not make the decision to procreate and bring these children into the world. Other adults did. Unless a step parent steps in and adopts/ takes PR over a step child, they are under absolutely zero obligation to provide anything for these children. Anything they choose to do by choice is that and that alone.
I hope more step parents early on in their journey listen to some of the experienced/ longer term posters on here and take our messages away with them. If of course, your choice is that you want to provide/ be hands on, great! So long as that is your choice and your choice alone. If you don’t want to, that’s fine too.
We may be with someone who has children, that does not make us sacrificial lambs to serve other people (including children). Always be kind, inclusive, fair, warm and welcoming. If you’re struggling to do that (which I did for a period of time), step away and ask yourself what needs to change for you to feel better/ happier/ calmer.