Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@Marmitemarinaded I think you’re deliberately diverting from the very specific and direct question I asked you. Feel free to search and link any posts I have put on here. I couldn’t care less.

I am however super Interested in how you draw the distinction between happily being in a relationship yourself and not wanting to live with someone’s children FT and yet criticising those who are voicing that same opinion on this thread.

Pasting someone’s name in to “search”
Twice
Sinister and forensic
Ok

@Marmitemarinaded

I never understand the issue with searching actually

If you post something, own it.
If you’re not prepared with something being raised again, then perhaps it’s a sign that you’d shouldn’t post that comment

I wasn't bothered in the slightest by you searching for me. What perplexes me is that what you found from looking both me and sassbott up was fully in keeping with what we have been saying on this thread, yet you presented your findings with a strange, vague statement about it being "contradictory". There's nothing contradictory about it.

And again you refuse to answer the question being put to you. You’re on here just to wind posters up and aren’t actually contributing anything of value or constructive to the debate.
Knock yourself out if that amuses you/ that’s your modus operandi.

What’s the question?

My stance

1. I could never ever live with any children that aren’t my own.
2. I would never bring a man in to my children’s home whilst they are under 18
3. I would have a relationship with a man. Never live with him until my children over 18
4. At that time that my youngest were over 18 but he had younger children - I wouldn’t live with him.
5. I think to get together with a man who has children knowing that the children moving in with him would most likely be a deal breaker is baffling to me. Because in many cases, as evidenced on this website, huge changes occur in teen years with parent relationships.
6. I think blending families is not in best interest of children involved. I suspect many agree
7. I do not know what my stance would be if I was an EOW parent rather than the 80/20 RP I am now. I do know that if the person I was with said the relationship would likely be over if my children moved in with us, it would be a deal breaker

Marmite, so your stance is exactly what Sassbott has said hers is?

She is also in a relationship but has chosen not to live with her partner and his kids. Both for her own sake and her kids.

It sounds like you actually agree with her, why is it strange?

1-4 so we’re pretty much on the same page (with the exception of the cut off at 18 as I think children won’t magically disappear at that age).

5 why is it baffling to you? In every relationship there are things we can control (in the main ourselves). Then there is the other person. Then there are external factors under no ones control. The latter scenario is what is being hypothetically discussed. The cold hard truth is that until anyone is in a situation, they have very little idea what they would do. They may have some idea, but no one actually knows. The Op has repeatedly said, she would try and make it work but the likelihood is it would be too much to take on. This is only one of many external factors that could knock a relationship sideways - affairs, illness, elderly parents, taking in a siblings child…the list is long.
Everyone enters a relationship with hope and optimism and probably a hefty dose of naivety (especially in these step family situations). If ultimately a change in contact arrangements puts the adult relationship under pressure then so be it. Everyone surely will cross that bridge when they come to it. Some may be able to step up and take on the additional duties, others may not. It’s life. People will do the best they can and everyone’s number one priority is themselves; the only people who are required to prioritise their children are the parents who chose to have them. For everyone else, surely it’s a choice.

If someone had said to me when I met my partner 5 years ago that one day I would say to him, I cannot have a shared home with your children, I would have laughed them out the room. By the time I realised how I felt, we were 3 years in. Relationships were built. Does everyone just pull the plug and walk away? Well we tried that and no one was happy either. So we reconciled.

And that brings us onto point 6 and 7

6. disagree whole heartedly. Where there is minimal conflict / wholly amicable relationships between parents/ exes, blending can work. Also for some people, it gives them and their children far more financial security - sometimes financials rule these decisions.

7. and this is the wonderful part of being an independent adult. You have your deal breakers-others have theirs. For me, it would not remotely be a deal breaker because
   A) I am with someone and thus far they have shown themselves to be not a be dick (otherwise why would I be with them?). Based on that if they made a statement like this, I would work with them to understand why they felt this way and what was driving that reaction.
   B) if the blunt reality is that it was as simple as it was too much and they wanted a quiet life, then I would accept that. It wouldn’t change whether my kids were able to live with me or not though. And I would look for us to live separately.

My pain point is this.

I am in a relationship with a man with children. I would never wish to live with those children. Yet I will remain in a relationship/ possibly even marry.

If one day some external factor put our relationship under pressure and either one us became desperately unhappy as a result, either one of us can walk away. He’s no more a martyr than I am. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who was fundamentally unhappy. It would drain my soul.

Does all of the above mean I shouldn’t be with him/ get married. No. And to be blunt the likelihood of my relationship getting impacted by external factors is huge, because of how high conflict his exwife is.

But I accept him for what he brings to the table. He accepts my clear boundaries. And it works for us. For now. If one day it doesn’t, so be it.

Sorry if I missed
But if he had no children
But you had young children
Would you move him in?

@Marmitemarinaded

Sorry if I missed But if he had no children But you had young children Would you move him in?

Who are you talking to?

I just can't genuinely see the value for anybody in a step-parent staying in an unhappy situation.

If we take the fact that most kids would prefer their parents to either be with each other or single as read, and take on board alllll the difficulties even just this one element can bring - the children being upset they're not with both parents, rejecting or playing up for the SP, trying to push the SP out to the sidelines, the dad trying to compensate for the family split, the SM feeling hurt and rejected - then, genuinely, where is the value for anyone except dad in a SM sticking around? And this isn't even factoring in stuff like a high-conflict ex, other children in the household, general behavioural issues...

The kids would likely prefer the SM not to be there, the SM is unhappy and uncomfortable in her own home. It's not like when biological parents split up and they cling on until it's insufferable because they know they are breaking up their children's family unit and they will be upset.

There is just no value for anyone except the dad IF an SM is unhappy living with his kids full-time.

@Marmitemarinaded

Sorry if I missed But if he had no children But you had young children Would you move him in?

I would, if it suited everyone involved.

If my kids were young and had a good relationship with my partner, I wouldn't be worried about moving him in, if he was happy with that.

If he chose to remain living separately because he didn't want to live full-time with my children then I'd make a decision on whether to continue the relationship based on how much the relationship was worth to me. If I really loved him then I'd find a way to make it work; if I didn't think he was all that then I'd end the relationship.

Not because he'd drawn his boundaries and I thought he was out of line, but because I am someone who would want to live with their partner and that isn't what he wants.

@Marmitemarinaded no I wouldn’t.

When your respective OHs realise what mercenary women you are

Pardon me?! I don't need my husband's money thank you very much. If anything he's the one who would struggle without mine.

@BadMotherLover I don't mercenary means what you think it does.

@BadMotherLover

You lot are bonkers, selfish, entitled,manipulative princesses. When your respective OHs realise what mercenary women you are, prepared to be dumped....flame away ladies, flame away.

You are definitely taking something we all would like to take. Any reasoning for your random outburst ?

@BadMotherLover I earn more than my OH nothing mercenary about me

I am a little bonkers though but then all the best people are, ask Alice

😂😂😂😂. Mercenary. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh my. I think my to the point posts hit a nerve.

That deleted comment was the light relief I needed 😂

Just popped back as I've been tagged a lot. I am really grateful for the kind responses given what my son has been subjected to. Can I just say that I didn't mean any offence and also I accept and acknowledge that my own horrific experiences have coloured my views.

I should also say that I have a fantastic Stepmum myself. I'm nearly 52 and she is only 8 years older than me which caused massive issues initially. My Dad is 26 years older than her. My Dad remarried after my mum died. I have 3 step siblings who are 15 plus years younger than me. I am fully aware of the difficulties and challenges of situations such as mine.

I think my issue is that stepchildren somehow become disposable as my son has. While I respect everybody's right to leave a relationship and also indeed to leave parenting to the SC's parent, it seems to me that they always end up with the roughest deal. I can't begin to describe the effect that it has had on my son.

I didn't intend to return to this thread as it was quite distressing for me. However, I wish you all well in your respective positions but please remember how damaging things can be for a stepchild. I strongly believe that if you feel the way of some of the posters here, you really ought not become involved with men/women with children. I'd give anything to not see my son in the state he's ended up in 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think my issue is that stepchildren somehow become disposable as my son has. While I respect everybody's right to leave a relationship and also indeed to leave parenting to the SC's parent, it seems to me that they always end up with the roughest deal.

Disposable to their actual parent - no. But naturally subject to the wider situation when it comes to step parents. Surely you can see that it's never going to be practical to say anyone that enters into these relationships is never allowed to leave, because they're automatically as irreversibly attached to the children involved as parents?

I have my boundaries, and they are as follows;

1. Never allow myself to create problems between my DP and DSS like the one's you are talking about from your child's step mother, so never treat him that way.

2. Retain the right to step away from the situation if it's making me unhappy.

I don't think 2 is too much to ask when you are ensuring you always stick to 1.

I think my issue is that stepchildren somehow become disposable as my son has. While I respect everybody's right to leave a relationship and also indeed to leave parenting to the SC's parent, it seems to me that they always end up with the roughest deal.

Thanks for posting again @TheFormidableMrsC. I didn’t take offence at anything you said, at all. I think what your fathers son has done to his child is beyond reprehensible.

I suppose I posted because I wanted to convey that through everything I have posted, I have actually put all the children (including my partners stepchildren) first and foremost. Before my needs certainly.

My personal situation is that my partners exwife is wholly unsupportive of her children forming a relationship with me. Bluntly, that severely impacted their children and caused a host of emotional issues in them. Despite this their father would have happily married/ cohabited/ had more children with me. I’m the one who refused all of that. Because the children would have borne the brunt of the ex going to another level.

So I withdrew. From contact. I took any prospect off marriage/ cohabitation off the table as I saw, first and foremost that these children needed 121 time with their father. Otherwise, bluntly, their mum would have been successful in the emotional campaign she was inflicting on them. If every contact was associated with feeling loyalty binds around me, eventually those children would have had negative association/ memories. Which is exactly what she was aiming for.

By stepping away, by distancing myself, I did the best possible thing. And the only thing that was within my power to do. Had the ex been supportive I can absolutely tell you that my life and my ‘family’ would look and be very different.

But it isn’t. And it’s not in my control to influence.
So I have withdrawn. Sadly, that is (I believe) for more of these situations than we perhaps care to realise the kindest action stepparents can take.
There needs to be more acknowledgement on these boards that in some cases the driving force behind stepchildren getting a ‘raw deal’ can very often be the primary carer. Not the step parent.

Primary carers can create havoc via their children in subsequent relationships and many do. With inappropriate boundaries, huge degrees of narcissistic projection and / or non stop conflict. And 9 times out of 10 those primary carers are women, not wanting their DC to build loving relationships with another woman.

I think we all need to address the real elephant in the room more often. As I am pretty sure I am not alone in feeling this way.