DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

I do find that there is a real dichotomy between the way people think about mid/late teens with regards to how they relate to separated parents, compared to all other decisions they make.

‘My 16 year old daughter wants to move in with her bf and his parents as here she has to share a room with her step sister and she annoys her’

‘She is old enough to make up her own mind and room sharing is really annoying. Let her go and maintain her relationship with you in other ways’.

Somehow, I don’t think that would be the tone of replies. Children of divorced parents have two homes. It is not right that because one parent can afford a nicer home or more rooms, that the child should just be able to live their permanently.

Yes, I know that, if they literally won’t go, little anyone can do. But good parenting would ask her to suck it up for four days a month.

@Pinkyxx It's not a new thing. Me and her dad split up when she was 3. He met his now wife when she was about 8 (can't remember exactly!). Contact has always just been 4 nights a month. Since he's been with his wife she's had to share a room with her step sister.

I think she's asking me to help sort it out as we're very close. I've had her 26 nights out of 30 for pretty much forever, and have always been the one to do school/medical/holidays etc. Her Dad has never really helped with any of that.

Yes this is not your responsibility and I think you need to say to your ex that she is 15 and you are not going to force her.

He has options here but they involve compromise on the side of his wife and SD and he seems unwilling to - which is going I think to be fairly clear to your DD.

I think given she's 15 her dad should be arranging contact with her directly (so long as he's not bullying her). Presumably she won't still be staying at his house when she's 18 and sharing a room with a pre-teen so now would be a good chance to put their relationship on a footing which is more appropriate for a young adult (walks together, lunch or coffee out etc.).

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
Honestly, there have been SO many options, and he just won’t meet even close to halfway. He could spent one on one time with her without spending any money, but his extra excuse is he might have work or stepmom and stepsister want to see her. Well, it’s not contact time with them. It’s contact time with her dad, first and foremost. It sounds like he made a new family, and assumes he can just throw your DD into the mix on “his” weekend, and that’s that (whether that means he’s working, so stepmum is actually watching her, or what). And there is a very big difference between a regular annoying 8 year old and one that almost wrestles the phone out of DD’s hand to see who it is - that’s the behavior of a toddler that hasn’t learned manners yet! I would speak to your DD about what she actually wants (since her father doesn’t seem to care); she’s never too young to learn that no one has the right to treat her like she doesn’t matter, not even her father.

OP, ask your ex if he at age 15" wanted to spend his weekends in the company of an 8 year old or even regularly in the company of his parents?

He has multiple reasons why he cannot be flexible in rearranging the manner and time that he spends with his daughter. Neither he nor you can mandate or dictate a relationship between the step siblings into existence.

If he were as attuned to his daughter's needs and preferences as he is to the needs of his step daughter he would be in a better position with his daughter.

@percypenguins having been in a similar situation / similar contact pattern / set up for many years, my advice is to support your DD to solve her own problem with her Dad. This isn't about going / not going on contact as of course she should see her Dad and I see you support that. It's about them working on their issues in their relationship.

If your daughter has decided she has had enough then that's her right however it's important she communicate her feelings and reasons to her Dad. He can choose to take them on board and work on a compromise, or he can choose to ignore. If he remains unwilling to be flexible (and it sounds like he isn't) despite your DD being 15 then he has to accept his daughter is of an age where she can exert her own free will. It's so important your DD know that how she feels and what she wants matters and that you will support her (this doesn't mean she gets whatever she wants). This is also not giving her 'carte blanche' to not see her Dad.

Relationships work both ways, if he priorities his needs / steps sisters needs etc what kind of message does this send to his daughter? It smacks of ''my needs matter more than yours''. Children's needs evolve and sometimes contact needs to evolve to recognize that.

Op does your dd still go out and socialise with her friends. My ds is 13 is always put a friends even when he's at his dads house.

Your ex seems to want contact with his daughter only on his terms.

I agree that now’s the time contact will change and he needs to adapt and put some effort in.

Does she get any 1:1 time at all when she visits his house? I suspect PP was right who wondered if the son was glued to console and the 8yo is left to do her own thing while your ex and his wife do their own thing. In which case, there’s little benefit to DD.

As he lives close, could you or DD suggest a few no/low cost things they can do together outside the home so the relationship can continue without the overnights? Walk in park, regular coffee in cafe etc?

Who would want to share a room with an eight year old at the age of 15. She should just go for the day and come back at night if she can't have a room of her own.

How come her SM is so insistent that your daughter goes? Is your daughter being used to entertain her step sister?
She is obviously unhappy going, and I would encourage her relationship with her dad; but perhaps try to change contact times to something that's suits your daughter even if only temporary.

Feel bad for your DD, she's 15 she needs her own space, sharing a room with an 8yo at 15 is less than ideal. Sounds like her dad cba making arrangements with just your daughter when he can just have her at his and not have to do anything. She's not a kid anymore, making her go will only sever your relationship with her.

It sounds like SD is annoying and your daughter basically is so fed up she would sacrifice seeing her dad to avoid her. I don’t think this is your job to sort out. He is basically saying he values child free time than seeing her as he could always see her on those weekends.

In the end if she’s willing to walk away and he’s not willing to sacrifice his child free weekends it’s his loss.

I’d go back to him and tell him you’re not forcing your daughter to stay somewhere she doesn’t want to and his choices are:

• make it easier for her when she comes to stay
• see her on child free weekends
• make arrangements to see her somewhere else
• leave it as it is and risk less and less contact with his daughter.

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
Ah well, if he won’t budge, he doesn’t get to have your dd at all then. He seems to value his free time more than his relationship with his dd. Natural consequences for him.

How come her SM is so insistent that your daughter goes? Is your daughter being used to entertain her step sister?

Maybe she’s just offended. When my EXdsc started doing this sort of stuff I did take it personally. I never insisted dsc comes though, as I didn’t want to get involved or look like I’m begging.

Are you sure they are not using your daughter as free child care? They sound pretty awful to be fair. Saying nasty things in front of her, dad not willing to discuss her points of view. What would he do if she physically refused to go to his house? Shout at her? Shout at you? Drag her there?

@Berniesknittedmittens

How come her SM is so insistent that your daughter goes? Is your daughter being used to entertain her step sister? She is obviously unhappy going, and I would encourage her relationship with her dad; but perhaps try to change contact times to something that's suits your daughter even if only temporary.

Agree 👍

[quote percypenguins]@JacquelineCarlyle I have suggested this but her Dad said no - the weekend he doesn't have our DD they also don't have his wife's DC, so he is unwilling to swap. [/quote]
Hmm… well it’s going to get to a point where she’s going to refuse to go at all!

And absolutely agree that parents that are together don’t get to choose when to be parents etc.

I don’t like the “oh step mum and step sis want to see you” bullshit either

Contact is for your dd benefit @percypenguins as you know, not dd dad or his wife ffs!

Agree with those who suggest that your daughter is probably to some extent a some “entertainment” for her father’s wife’s daughter. She shouldn’t need to see them if she isn’t comfortable with it. When it comes down to it she isn’t her sister and if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with her at the moment that should be her choice. As much as her father would clearly like the same child free time as his wife that isn’t working and it should be made clear that his daughter should come first to his having days off parenting!

It is odd that no mention is made of her relationship with the stepbrother - just the stepsister. The usual involvement of a 15 yr old with an 8yr old is that of a babysitter.

@SpaceshiptoMars As far as I'm aware her older step brother is either in his bedroom playing computer or out with his friends.

It should be between your DD and her Dad. You are undermining him by constantly picking her up early. Whether she likes it or not her step sister is her family and younger siblings suck at times. If she wants to leave early or spend time with her friends she should be talking to him on his contact days, not messaging you getting you to fight her battles. She’s 15 not 5.

@percypenguins I think @Pinkyxx has given you the best advice on here.
I have a 15, 19 & 24 year old - all have had issues with their dad & access. When they were younger I would of course advocate for them but as they got older I encouraged & taught them all to discuss their relationships, their needs & their wants with their dad & it has worked. He doesn't always listen but it means there's no middle man & they have to trash whatever issue there is out between them.
My attitude was always one of I no longer have to have a relationship with him but they do, & so they need to learn to negotiate that relationship without me.
My 15 yr old dd is in a same situation to yours but with half siblings. She loves them but they wreck her head. She still goes to her dad eow as she understands the need to maintain a relationship with him, her sm & siblings, but she balances her time over there by organising to meet her friends on at least one of the days.
SHE makes her plans.

SHE handles her dad.

She's still a child. She sees him four nights a month and he's obviously not very flexible or approachable. The SM is making it awkward too. So I'm not surprised she's asking her mum for help.

Yes, we all encounter annoying people in life, but if they were imposed upon you purely due to someone else's choices, we would all do what we could to minimise our time with them. Especially if they physically invade your space constantly! It's a completely different dynamic to full siblings and your own parents.

I don't agree with sucking it up at all, and I think you need to be firm with him about reaching a compromise, OP.

I guess from her step sisters point of view to have a "big sister" coming to stay is exciting and she'll just want to be with her but I understand at 15 this is maybe annoying

I'd tell your daughter to speak to her dad about it and try to leave it to them as much as you can do you don't want to be the bad guy in all this