DD15 wanting to reduce contact due to her step sister

[percypenguins]

My DD15 (just turned) stays at her Dad's every other weekend. So 4 nights a month. Sometimes has the odd dinner there mid week but that's not regular.

She shares a room with her 8 year old step sister (bunk beds). She has an older step brother who has his own room, then her dad and his wife have a room.

The past few months DD has been texting me whilst she is there asking for me to pick her up early. The usual reason is that her step sister is annoying her. Sometimes she says she's bored.

This is becoming more regular and we've now got to the point where she doesn't seem overly bothered about going at all. I've spoken to her and she says that her step sister just won't leave her alone and is very annoying. I've spoken to my ex (DD's dad) as he keeps getting annoyed that she is coming home early each time, or only going for 1 night. I've explained DD's reason for not wanting to go as much, and he has said that yes step sister can be annoying but they're family and DD just needs to deal with it. He says he has also spoken to his he step sister but DD says it hasn't changed anything.

I don't mind DD being at home 95% of the time but her Dad is now starting to say she is being unreasonable about her step sister, she just needs to suck it up and I must make her go.

What does everyone else think?

It smacks of double standards to me. The stepson is allowed to do his own thing, but DD is forced to hang out with a young child. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

I'd be suggesting to the ex that if money is such a problem, you'll send DD along with a flask of hot chocolate for their walk together. He can bring the golfing brolly.

DD has real problems discussing feelings, thoughts or anything along those lines which is why she's got me involved in this. She's always been that way. I know she is not comfortable talking about this with her Dad. I don't think her step mums comments help either to be honest.

@excelledyourself she's not still a child, she's a teenager & the best thing any parent can do for their teenagers is to teach them self advocacy.
In this type of context it is especially important for female teenagers/young adults, especially in this day and age. Learning to negotiate with the primary male in your life is a skill that's sets the tone for all future relationships with men be they romantic, work place, etc.

Maybe she as felt the way she does for a long time, but not been brave enough till now to say something.

I do have to wonder if he's worried if overnight contacts end he'll have to pay more maintenance?

I think your DD has been very clear about what she wants. She wants to spend time with her dad and he is refusing to budge with her request for going out for lunch or the afternoon instead of staying over. Another bloke that doesnt want to parent his DC and insists she spend time with his new family. I would leave it and not get involved apart to support your DD.

So your ex partner is basically forcing your DD to be with her step sister all weekend and entertain her so he doesn't have to and his only response is that she needs to deal with it, he's gone off and created a blended family, then it's his problem, he should of thought about the long term consequences of that and all the problems that it is likely to cause, I'd tell her she dosnet have to go back to go around there anymore as it will just create more resentment and when your ex moans about it just tell him that it's his prow and that he needs to deal with it

Maybe instead of staying over for the weekend every couple of weeks she could go for a one-day or one-evening visit each week. If she's only there for the day there's less build-up of the annoying behaviour. It could even be half a day at their home with the step family and half a day just her and her dad out for a walk together or going for a coffee - it doesn't need to be anything expensive if he can't afford that. At 15 she will naturally want to start spending weekend time with her friends anyway, so her dad could aim for quality time rather than quantity time.

@percypenguins

DD has real problems discussing feelings, thoughts or anything along those lines which is why she's got me involved in this. She's always been that way. I know she is not comfortable talking about this with her Dad. I don't think her step mums comments help either to be honest.

But she’s talking that way with you, this is a big step.

I’m sure over time she’ll get better at this, and perhaps this is a good example of a situation where she has to take a deep breath and say what she wants to happen.

Could you role play it with her?

Perhaps if she’s so near by to yours, she can make plans to see some of her friends while she’s at her dads? Just to have som control back?

Ultimately, she’s going to want to step back, and your ex is a fool for not thinking this through as he’s going to be the one who just gets dropped

It’s all about what the stepsister, stepmum and your dd ‘s dad wants. What about your dd in all of this?

My teens struggled doing this with their dad so I've had to advocate too. Explain that if he doesn't compromise he risks her refusing all contact.

Get dd to make some suggestions that she's happy with. Eg she comes for the day

I completely understand why she wouldn't want to stay overnight. Maybe this is a natural point to change visitation -she's starting y11 and needs a space to study or some space so she can have a break and listen to music or whatever makes her relaxed.

Sorry I would just tell your ex that she's 15 and you are not going to force her and he is welcome to take it to court if he wishes to force her.

It doesn't sound like an enjoyable time at her Dads and it's clear she is too much of an inconvenience to see apart from when it suits them. It's up to him to build a relationship with her not the other way around.

Maybe she just doesnt want to go and is using the stepsister as an excuse.? I think ur suituation will work out. But i wouldnt be slating anyone. Could be just hormones at that age.

To coin an MN classic, not your circus, not your monkeys OP.

You don't really need to be involved in this, your ex will have to work out some sort of compromise or your DD might say she won't go at all. Nothing you can say or do to force her at her age, even if you wanted to.

What 15-year-old wants to spend her weekends with an 8-year-old, be they a full sister, a step sister or a half sister?

I think TABU and YANBU

if it was not a step sibling and a set of paretns had a boy and 2 girls in a 3 bed house the sleeping arrangements would be as there are at your DD's dad's house there is no other feasible sleeeping arrangement and an 8 and 15 year old girl would have to share so the fact she has to share with 8 year old step sister is reasonable enough there is no where else she can sllep at her Dad's house
However her Dad is BU in never having her without her step sister maybe if it was only every second month she got a weekend with just her Dad maybe that weekend she could do friday after school till monday am so 3 nights then just one night the other weekends

her dad needs to insist that her step sister doesn't touch her stuff especially her phone and that she can get some privacy surely the 8 year old goes to bed earlier than DD even at weekends so DD can spend time from 8.30 -11 with her Dad, also if DD has homework revising at weekend it should be possible to say that after breakfast on Saturday DD is left alone to use edroom to study util lunchtime or some other 3 hour block
I have notice dduring lockdown that having to met at cafes etc when we couldn't visit friends was expensive so it might be true; cinema and dinner for two plus coffee in the week is not cheap especially every second weekend could easily be £40+ and it might not be fair if they can't spend similar amounts with other 2 children

It seems that contact here is not being used to facilitate your DD's relationship with her father (as he's refusing to have her 1-to-1 and essentially using her to entertain his DSD) so what's the point of it.

I'd allow your DD to make the call on this one and send a text saying something like:

"Dad, I want to have a relationship with you and would really like to do that on a 1-to-1 basis, my preference would be to amend my weekends so I see you when DSD and DSS aren't there.
If not then there seems little point in me visiting as I don't get to spend any real time with you."

Let him respond to that and take screen shots.

A decent father would take up the opportunity to spend more time with his DD, even if that means having less free time with his DW, especially as at 15 the contact will reduce considerably soon anyway.

A shit dad will refuse to change the status quo, in which case let her stay home and contact the CMS about increasing his monthly payments as she's no longer visiting.

In years to come, when he's in a nursing home wondering why his DD doesn't visit him, she can send him the screen shots of these texts and say "when I wanted to spend time with you, you rejected me, now I'm just following your lead."

In years to come, when he's in a nursing home wondering why his DD doesn't visit him, she can send him the screen shots of these texts and say "when I wanted to spend time with you, you rejected me, now I'm just following your lead.

Holy cats, whose mind works like this?

Teach your teenage daughter to gather evidence now to guilt and shame her father with when he's a frail old man...

Seriously?

I'm not against the general argument of the post, but what kind of brain comes up with this stuff?

@percypenguins it's good your DD can talk and confide in you, because it seems like her DF is just a brick wall, unyielding and stubborn. Not sure what you can do in the short term but once she turns 16 it will be ridiculous for her to have to go.

It could be a great exercise in communication and assertiveness however, be it in letter, text or in person, if she finds a way to communicate her wishes to DF - a vital life skill if ever there was one.

I 'd stay out of it and let your dd decide.
Of course a 15 year old does not want to spend her time with an 8 year old step sister.
Her dad needs to spend quality time alone with her.
The brother doesn't have to spend all his time with an 8 year old sister so why should she?
I find the assumption that everyone has to fit in when adults shack up together totally wrong.
If your dd doesn't want to go then let her decide.
If your ex had any sense, he would be arranging to see your dd either alone or for shorter more appropriate visits.

As a compromise could she suggest visiting one weekend in three. That would mean that in a six week cycle they spend one weekend with all three children, one weekend just with dd, two weekends with just step children and two weekends just the parents. She could agree to pop in for a meal for example for her step sister's birthday as her step sister really seems to like her even if the feeling isn't mutual. Seeing her step sister five times a year is not unreasonable to expect her to put up with. There could be occasional walks, coffee etc in between.

I'm sorry you're meddling and this isn't probably the 1st time. You have enabled and given your daughter power by picking her up. This has probably happened before.

If she has issues she needs to communicate with her father and not through the mother.

@percypenguins

DD's step mum is also moaning about DD coming home early, and complaining about the fact I am letting her, in front of my DD. I've asked my ex to have a word with his wife about this, but I'm not sure whether he has or not.

At 15 it's up to her. Ignore moaning.

@Rebornagain Excuse me?

All you have to do is tell your ex that
“I am responsible for my relationship with our almost adult daughter. I do not have a responsibility to facilitate your relationship with our almost adult daughter. That’s your job. It is specifically not my job to explain to our daughter why you prefer to spend the time when your stepchildren are not around with your new wife rather than with her”

Her dad should really be trying to carve out space for her at his house and time without the other girl. I think 15 is too young to cut over nights really, will she not miss her dad?