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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

372 replies

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 09:53

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house.
I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL.
Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

OP posts:
PinkGinny · 05/08/2021 12:04

@MzHz

It goes like this:

“ExW, Dp here, I’m now working during the week obviously including the afternoons I’m supposed to be collecting the kids when you’re working late. rather than leave you in the lurch, my mum can come get them and mind then at yours till you get back, and I can make up the time I miss with them whenever works best another time.”

Contact is for kids to see him, mil at a push.

And the answer would go

"Ha, ha, ha - why would you possibly think I was in the lurch. You are the parent responsible for the children during those time. Best of luck finding a solution but it won't involve me or my house."

or perhaps just a fuck off.

SpeedRunParent · 05/08/2021 12:05

Why don't you take over when you get back and MIL can go home? That way you'll not feel the awkwardness of another adult in your home.

Flyingantday · 05/08/2021 12:05

Admirable that your DP does pay his way as many don’t, but all the talk of money, childcare, contact visits, after school clubs till 7 and getting MIL to take the kids somewhere else… it does sound like the kids are viewed as a bit of an inconvenience rather than having their own needs and comfort to be considered.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that they are more or less important to the DP than the OP, but ensuing they’re home, warm, fed and safe on the nights that their dad is responsible for them is the priority. How this is achieved is another conversation, but if MIL is the only option available, that has to be more important than you having the house to yourself or your knickers on the radiator.

MadinMarch · 05/08/2021 12:09

@Carolinesturn
when they are at ours they are there for contact with their father, anything else is childcare which the ex wife gets paid a large monthly allowance for

What an odd attitude you have. You make it sound as though ex wife is paid a wage like a childminder or nanny to look after the children!

You're coming across as a very cold, hard hearted, and self centred person here.
Perhaps you should try embracing (literally and figuratively) these two little children more, and find a way of enjoying their company and that of another family member (mil) once a week. You never know, it may enhance and enrich your life!
It may even stop you seeing them as competition for who is most important in their father's life. Nothing good is going to come from clinging on to that belief, for you or for the children.
For the record, I'm not a first wife, or an ex wife. I'm not even a wife, but I am a mother

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 12:10

@ExpressDelivery

Yes OP, why is it that it can now be so easily arranged that he can be there on Tues? Wasn't that the best first solution?
Yes. What has happened since 10am, @Carolinesturn which now allows him to start work Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning?

And what is the plan for Thursday evening that was so easily sorted?

Where are the children now? It’s a Thursday. I’m presuming DP and EW are at work?

SpeedRunParent · 05/08/2021 12:10

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
Wow, are you quite young OP? This is a very awkward thing to say for a fully grown adult.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 12:10

After school club seems like the obvious solution to me. MIL doesn’t have to drive all that way to do pick ups, you don’t have to have everyone there while DH is working and the parents are taking full responsibility of their children without inconveniencing anyone else.
Can he/they both afford it do you think?

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 12:13

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Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 12:15

@funinthesun19

After school club seems like the obvious solution to me. MIL doesn’t have to drive all that way to do pick ups, you don’t have to have everyone there while DH is working and the parents are taking full responsibility of their children without inconveniencing anyone else. Can he/they both afford it do you think?
I have never worked in a school with an after-school club that went on till after 7!
Original poster
Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 12:16

Gosh so many posts and questions. He's told me I'm the most important thing in the world to him yes however I think I'm equal to his DC and I'd never put this statement to the test as I love him and like his children immensely (no I don't love them)
His job is self employed and so long as he gets his hours in he can be flexible however it's a long drive.
I think all the mothers on here saying that I should come second to children should re evaluate their relationships, if I came last I'd not be there and he knows it, however because I love him I want him to have full contact with his children.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 12:17

@pinkyredrose

Why can't she take them to thier own home?
She does.

HTH

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 12:19

@ChargingBuck just out of interest why do you think OP is the imposition out of all of this ? She didn't cause any of this bar existing which I believe (hope) was a mutual choice.

That said

He's a stinker too btw. Who DOES that to their kids? Way to make them feel valued & secure. Is he taking any steps to re-jig contact so his children actually get to see him more than once a week?

This I agree with. But i also think he's the one that caused this and is literally shuffling off his kids to anyone that's not him. That's not OPs fault or something within her domain

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 12:20

The fact that the OP is more important to her DP than his children is the exact reason the mum needs to keep her professional career. She cannot rely on her ex to put his children first if it clashes with the desires of the new gf!
I don't believe that step mums should always be bottom of the pile. I would not think that OP should be doing or paying for childcare. But equally she shouldn't stand in the way of what is a good arrangement for the children. I do believe that children's needs come above parents' wants. And if you do get involved with man who has dc, you sometimes will have to be inconvenienced by the things they need. Especially when this situation is caused by her dp's decision.

Coffeepot72 · 05/08/2021 12:23

So if I've read the original post correctly - the OP not only has the SC in the week when her DP is away, (I used to call this "access by proxy") but the MIL too? Good lord.

Herja · 05/08/2021 12:25

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
Problem solved then!

Give it a couple of years and the kids won't want to see their dad anyway - he's the sort of wanker who puts an adult before his own children, and the adult he chose is smug, childish and delights in their partner being a dick.

Make sure you don't have any kids with him though; he's a shit parent and you don't want one of them as your DCs father.

Every week there is another thread on here that makes me feel blessed in my DCs step mother - she's a lovely woman. Puts the DC before her, understands that my ExH is a parent first and partner second. Maintains her own boundaries, but doesn't act like a wanker in the process. I might buy her some wine for next handover day.

MadgeMak · 05/08/2021 12:25

I think all the mothers on here saying that I should come second to children should re evaluate their relationships, if I came last I'd not be there and he knows it, however because I love him I want him to have full contact with his children.

You're confusing your wants with the children's actual needs. There is a difference.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 12:25

I have never worked in a school with an after-school club that went on till after 7!

Childminder then? What do parents do who don’t have help from family but work past 6pm? There will be something out there surely.

Hercisback · 05/08/2021 12:26

when they are at ours they are there for contact with their father, anything else is childcare which the ex wife gets paid a large monthly allowance for

Awful awful attitude. Women aren't there for childcare FFS. Both parents are responsible for it.

If you think the maintenance calculation is unfair based on contact, then dispute it. You aren't paying their mum for childcare fgs!

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 12:27

@MarcusRashford

Crikey OP you've had a battering on here. Go to the step mum forum for more reasonable advice than all these bitter women who obviously have a problem with step mums.

It is the most thankless job in the world, I would NEVER get involved again with a man with children. You are totally NOT UNREASONABLE. You want to relax in your own home without someone else's mother and children there.

I'm a step mum, & I think OP is being selfish.

She's refusing to see past her own wishes, or acknowledge that the house she shares with her boyfriend is the childrens' home, & that they & the MiL were family long before she started cohabiting with the boyfriend.

It's par for the course - when you start a relationship with a man who has kids, those kids' needs trump yours.

Hercisback · 05/08/2021 12:28

You should come behind his children. My own DH knows he is behind my children. Your attitude is ridiculous.

Tiredoftattler · 05/08/2021 12:29

If every time a man or woman got a new partner/girlfriend/boyfriend , they became the most important person in the partner's life , the children would probably feel much like yoyos. Certainly , they would recognize that for some parents "most important" status was pretty flexible and frequently changing only to be rewarded to the replacement partner.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 12:29

@funinthesun19

I have never worked in a school with an after-school club that went on till after 7!

Childminder then? What do parents do who don’t have help from family but work past 6pm? There will be something out there surely.

I don't think there are many families where both parents routinely work til 7pm for this reason. OP's husband clearly doesn't need to work until 7pm either, as it was so easily changed. So he chose to forgo his contact with his children Sad
tara66 · 05/08/2021 12:30

What I want to know are the ''knickers in the bathroom'' Agent Provocateur or just Marks and Spencers?

Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 12:31

I bet mil loves you opHmm. I don't think this relationship will last your immature clearly young dislike the ex for having a large maintenance even though she does majority of the care and think your above your dps own dc.

Hercisback · 05/08/2021 12:32

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