Page 8 | AIBU MIL lands with the DSC at our house

Carolinesturn · 2021-08-05T08:53:09+00:00

AIBU? My DP has access to his DC two daughters three times a week, Tuesday and Thursday after school and all day Sunday as well as EOW overnight stay. We have been together for two years. DP recently took on a new role at work where he is away through the week, as the EW works Tuesday and Thursday his role was not just contact with his DC but also because she can't get out of work until after 7 on those two days. DP asked MIL if she could pick up the DCs and care for them until EW finishes work, all sounds very reasonable however... MIL lives about 45/50 mins away from school and brings them back to our house. I really like my new MIL but after I finish work and enter my house I feel incredibly awkward, I worry I've left knickers in the bathroom or that the fridge isn't clean and all those little personal things like that. Also I can't relax two days a week after a long day at work, she feeds the kids and does the dishes after and does everything spot on but I feel I can't relax, it's one thing my DP having his kids round (great kids and I like having them) but quite another with MIL. Approached this with DP and he says he'll ask her to stop coming to ours with DSC but that makes me feel terrible. WWYD? Could this cause a family upset?

Coffeepot72 · 05/08/2021 12:32

why doesn’t MIL take the DC to their other house and wait for their DM to come home? What is the point of them coming to your house if they are not going to see their DF?

No point at all. But I’m glad the OP has managed to speak to her DP and at least solve the Tuesday night issue. And I hope the OP posts on the step-parenting page next time, she can take advice from those of us who’ve got the T-shirt …….

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 12:33

So DH has taken a new job and can't have the children two of the nights he should?

MIL now has them in his absence and wants to take them to your house but you don't want that?

OK, can they get a new custody schedule? If not, DH has to arrange new work hours or after school club? Or you suck it up and have the kids there with MIL? Or you get them? Or you stay out of the way on those days - gym/overtime/meet friends?

ChargingBuck · 05/08/2021 12:33

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]

Well get you, Princess.
Both he & you are reprehensible.

Those poor children, less important than a girlfriend of two years.
I can't believe that you think this is something to boast about.

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 12:34

Ahh look the nasty personal comments has arrived in full swing again.

I get the rage for DH but what I do nt understand is why people are more angry at OP. Considering that DH doesn't seem to have a problem with how OP views things....

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 12:34

Childminder then? What do parents do who don’t have help from family but work past 6pm? There will be something out there surely

The few families I know where both parents work until gone 7pm (most don’t because it’s very difficult, so they arrange their working hours accordingly) have wonderful mums or MIL who step in to provide wraparound care in the child’s home. A bit like in the OP really.

I don’t know of any childminders or day care facilities that work past 7.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 12:37

I don't think there are many families where both parents routinely work til 7pm for this reason. OP's husband clearly doesn't need to work until 7pm either, as it was so easily changed. So he chose to forgo his contact with his children

Oh I completely agree there. The absolute best solution is for him to change his hours so that he will be there do see his children and look after them himself instead of making arrangements with his ex wife and expecting everyone else to fulfil his promises.

There is no way I’d be able to work until 7 and expect my parents to look after my children until I get home. Especially if it was to make my ex’s life easier! It’s all a choice!

If he chooses to work past a certain time and after school club is out the window, then he needs to rethink his working hours.
I feel sorry for the MIL and the OP here.

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 12:38

I think people are forgetting that this post is largely about my DPs job and his MIL coming to my house when I'm not there/in the evenings after I finish work. If anything the children have benefited from my stance as he sees them on a Tuesday rather than go to work. I've actually taken a hit because he won't be here on Friday nights and that was our night together alone. So definitely a compromise.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 12:39

So DH has taken a new job and can't have the children two of the nights he should?

Well, amazingly, within an hour of posting, the children’s father is now able to move his working hours and now CAN be home to look after them on a Tuesday night. And is now luckily able to sort out ‘something’ else for the Thursday night. The OP hasn’t answered what that something is yet though.

BlowDryRat · 05/08/2021 12:41

@VariantL1130

Why did he take that job when he has childcare responsibilities?

As the exW in a similar situation, I agree. ExH took another job hundreds of miles away so he 'had' to drop contact with the DC and he just expected me to pick up the slack, despite working FT in a demanding job myself. No discussion. There was 0 thought given to his existing responsibilities to his children.

Your DP was 100% responsible for creating this situation. What is he doing to sort it out? Is this a permanent job role and he expects the womenfolk in his life to step in forever? Or is he actually thinking about his kids and how he will change job/role so that he can fulfill his responsibility and spend time with them?

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 12:41

The few families I know where both parents work until gone 7pm (most don’t because it’s very difficult, so they arrange their working hours accordingly) have wonderful mums or MIL who step in to provide wraparound care in the child’s home. A bit like in the OP really.

Those dynamics might be simpler though and there might not be a stepmum who is feeling uncomfortable. Honestly whatever works for them is great, but the op isn’t happy and that’s an issue that needs addressing.

He really does need to change his hours like you say.

SpaceshiptoMars · 05/08/2021 12:44

And if you do get involved with man who has dc, you sometimes will have to be inconvenienced by the things they need. Especially when this situation is caused by her dp's decision.

Yes. Sometimes. Sometimes you, sometimes dp, sometimes one or other of the children. Nobody should be 'bottom of the pile' - everyone in the family has the right to have their needs considered.

However, 2 nights a week for the next 10 years would have most actual mothers running to AIBU in their distress! This is no way for a potential DIL and her MIL to begin their relationship - almost guaranteed to screw it up for both of them. Start gently, don't rush!

Also, don't assume that the OP is any kind of kept woman in this deal and should tolerate poor treatment as a result. Often the SM carries a larger share of the bills because the DP's capital and income are committed to ex and their children.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 12:45

People always get so incredibly shocked on here when you don't say your children are more important to you than your partner. Always cries of "you'll realise that that makes him a monster when you have kids". Well, surprise surprise, as a step parent who now has her own kid, I STILL hold my partner in equal regard. They are just both very important to me. I don't have a hierarchy.

And yes, I'm aware OP said she was more important to him, but let's not ignore the fact that she did so in response to a goady comment about how they "hate to break it to her" but she's bottom of the pile. She was throwing it back at them. People need to realise that not everyone thinks that way at all and you can't always put step parents in their place by trying to dig the knife in about how insignificant they are in the family.

sergeilavrov · 05/08/2021 12:46

If you’re willing to pay for a nanny, it would probably be cheaper to pay for a cleaner to come on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. That way, you come home to a lovely house - and no concern that MiL has seen anything untoward.

As you like your MiL, that should solve the problem. If occasionally you want a break, buy them tickets to some sort of attraction for after school she can take them to (with her input, of course).

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 12:48

I think all the mothers on here saying that I should come second to children should re evaluate their relationships

There’s no need for a competition. In this instance the children needing care is the priority. I would find it concerning rather than comforting if someone with children told me I was the most important person to them.

worriedatthemoment · 05/08/2021 12:50

Thing is these are your partners nights to have his children, he took a job that changed that, so its up to him to sort it not his ex wife and its his home too, surely in school hols mil can have at her house as must be all day, but may be up to your dp to get them there
That way its only term time she is at yours
More importantly now your dp only sees his kids once a week now

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 12:50

Since the mum is the resident parent, I'm assuming the 'large monthly allowance' is to cover the costs associated with being primarily responsible for them! Also she was the DPs wife so they might have had all sorts of pre existing financial arrangements and agreements based on their previous shared assets, which pre date the OP.

worriedatthemoment · 05/08/2021 12:51

@MzHz there not just her kids and ahe isn't the one who has changed the plans

Howshouldibehave · 05/08/2021 12:52

What’s happening with his daughters now-who is looking after them today/till 7?

Original poster

Carolinesturn · 05/08/2021 12:53

Haha will people stop going on about my knickers!!! That was an example. It's more than just the knickers and anyone who posts that is just being obtuse.
It's for example the fact I can't come in and put my feet up or shove something in the oven I have to make small talk and cups of tea. It's the fact I realise I wrote a private not to DP and I know she's seen it, it's the fact my post is on the doorstep or letters in drawers with private things, it's the fact I come home and my cat has been let out and I have to stick a smile on my face. It's just not natural to have your new MIL in your house and for aNyone who says it's fine and they'd appreciate it... I say they're liars

OP posts:

MotionActivatedDog · 05/08/2021 12:53

However, 2 nights a week for the next 10 years would have most actual mothers running to AIBU in their distress!

Why 10 years? The youngest is 4? So will be taking themselves home from school in 7 years. It’s also possible in that time that dad will change his work hours, mum will change his work hours or some other change that means MIL won’t need to be at the house when OP gets in from work.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 05/08/2021 12:55

Spaceship, I didn't assume the OP was being 'kept' . Not sure where that came from

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 12:58

@aSofaNearYou

People always get so incredibly shocked on here when you don't say your children are more important to you than your partner. Always cries of "you'll realise that that makes him a monster when you have kids". Well, surprise surprise, as a step parent who now has her own kid, I STILL hold my partner in equal regard. They are just both very important to me. I don't have a hierarchy.

And yes, I'm aware OP said she was more important to him, but let's not ignore the fact that she did so in response to a goady comment about how they "hate to break it to her" but she's bottom of the pile. She was throwing it back at them. People need to realise that not everyone thinks that way at all and you can't always put step parents in their place by trying to dig the knife in about how insignificant they are in the family.

I hope that wasn't my comment, one I made way down the page 🥴 I was trying to explain that is the view of some on this board (not mine) and was being heavily sarcastic because I frankly think it's a very unfair but very commonly said as a way to beat SP down.

Also I think this got posted on the first wives club thread so OP was getting a lot of heat even before it moved to step parenting board.

excelledyourself · 05/08/2021 12:58

I see you're already pregnant, OP.

I hope your DP treats your baby with more consideration.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 05/08/2021 12:58

I may have missed this, but when he took the job, was the arrangement for MIL to have the children at your house?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 05/08/2021 12:58

[quote Carolinesturn]@ladycarlotta eek hate to break it to you but I think I am at top in terms of most important to my partner. He's actually told me that and his actions in this instance back him up [/quote]
Well you absolutely shouldn't be. Shame on him.