Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

[Gigi2341]

I really need to rant, DH has one child from his ex who is 8 years old. Dh pays maintenance as he should,above what is expected and didn't reduce payments when we had our two children. Me and DH both work and shelve out a fortune in child care. We luckily have the help of family or honestly not sure how I'd cope. Anyway we do not have lot of disposable income but we are comfortable enough and have a nice content family life. However, the ex is in constant financial difficulty and expects DH to foot the bill. Last year she didn't renew her benefit and fell into debt she wanted DH to bail her out and pay more as she was " destitute" DH gave what he could for the sake of his child. And now just got a message saying that she's been sanctioned by universal credit because she hasn't been going to her work coach or making any appointments as it's all "too much". I have absolutely no sympathy and neither does DH its ridiculous. She is asking for DH to give her a lump sum this month something in thr excess of £1000 to make the difference or she says she won't make the month. I have suggested we just have DSS for 50:50 or even more 70:30. As we don't have the funds. Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover. I'm livid at the messages and the guilt tripping here. I think she thought you can have benefits until your kid is 16 and don't have to ever work it is just shocking the mentality of some people.

She has told us it's face to face now it was over the phone and she lost her mobile so missed the appointment or something along those lines. We tried to get details but the story didn't add up at all

Could offer to lend her the money, then reduce the maintenance to the bog standard amount until the difference is made up?

What is her standard of care like for the child? I have a 50/50 arrangement with my child and it works quite well, added bonus no issues squabbling for money as there's no maintenance payable - we each cover our own costs.

@Gigi2341

She has told us it's face to face now it was over the phone and she lost her mobile so missed the appointment or something along those lines. We tried to get details but the story didn't add up at all

Sounds like she's pulling a fast one!

I wouldn't offer to lend money as suggested below - it will cause more drama for the op. But I agree with 50/50 arrangement with my child and it works quite well, added bonus no issues squabbling for money as there's no maintenance payable - we each cover our own costs.
OP your DH needs to step up do what's right by his child and apply to court for 50:50 - the squabbling between the three of you can't be any better for his child than a 50/50 arrangement . As I said previously it's more about how serious your DH is about applying to the court now and instead of using the energy to throw buns at each other, contact the solicitor. You seem clued up enough to get this through. I'm surprised he would so easily accept her saying no to 50/50.If his ex is as feckless as you imply then it should be straightforward. Maybe he doesn't want to stump up the court costs or maybe he doesn't want 50/50 but either way a "feckless person/mother" is not going to change to suit you - I assume he didn't see the signs before she was pregnant or before he met you? You have an option which is your DH needs to step up for 50/50 and at least his son will get a break from his apparently state scrounging / money grabbing/ lying mother. In the same vein you say DH just asked her for 50/50 and she suddenly pulled through and didn't need the money. Op - Other than ex saying "No" why hasn't DH gone ahead and pursued for 50/50 instead let this drama continue at the detriment of his child?

Of course she doesn't want you to have DSS 50/50 that will mean no CMS!
Lazy cow.

@PollyPepper

Of course she doesn't want you to have DSS 50/50 that will mean no CMS! Lazy cow.

Of course you won't know the answer but why doesn't ops DH do something about it? - you can't stop ex not wanting DH to have 50:50 - but DH can certainly act on it instead of just bleating on about what ex wants and doesn't as if he doesn't have any agency when it seems Like he hasn't or doesn't even want to try the obvious route.

I would simply invite the dc to live with you then until she's back on her feet, makes job hunting easier!

@beigebrownblue

You are not supposed to mix finances and child contact matters with your ex.

Should he find himself going to court on this any judge would not look kindly on doing so.

So child maintenance is child maintenance, it should not and never be dependent on how much contact the child has.

Therefore it is not appropriate to mix the two things.

Is your DP paying an appropriate amount in chld maintenance and has this been checked?

Having your benefits sanctioned is a difficult situation to be in and there may well be a need for a temporary and one off payment.

Don't blur the boundaries between contact and finances.

Of course CM is dependent on how much contact the paying parent has? They are very much related.

CM is only paid when a child is with one parent more than the other, and is based on how many overnights he has with the child. If OP's DH started having his child for more days per week then obviously he wouldn't keep giving her mum money to support her on those days....because he'd be the one supporting her?

CM is not a set bill for life that just gets paid to the RP regardless of how much the NRP has the child.

It really is unbelievable that some people believe their exes have a duty to support them forever purely because they had a child together once upon a time.

I am glad she finally turned to her parents, which is what most people would need to do in her shoes. Well done to your DH for standing firm.

If he gives this one off amount then it sets a precedent. I’d do as a previous poster suggested and offer to have the child for a few weeks over the summer but definitely no money should change hands. This is what my husband’s ex is going right now so as a compromise, we’re laying £300 for school uniform to free up that cash for her to use over the school holidays. He’s also spending two weeks with us plus the usual 2 weekends (the other weekend is sandwiched in the 2 week period)

*paying £300