Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

[Gigi2341]

I really need to rant, DH has one child from his ex who is 8 years old. Dh pays maintenance as he should,above what is expected and didn't reduce payments when we had our two children. Me and DH both work and shelve out a fortune in child care. We luckily have the help of family or honestly not sure how I'd cope. Anyway we do not have lot of disposable income but we are comfortable enough and have a nice content family life. However, the ex is in constant financial difficulty and expects DH to foot the bill. Last year she didn't renew her benefit and fell into debt she wanted DH to bail her out and pay more as she was " destitute" DH gave what he could for the sake of his child. And now just got a message saying that she's been sanctioned by universal credit because she hasn't been going to her work coach or making any appointments as it's all "too much". I have absolutely no sympathy and neither does DH its ridiculous. She is asking for DH to give her a lump sum this month something in thr excess of £1000 to make the difference or she says she won't make the month. I have suggested we just have DSS for 50:50 or even more 70:30. As we don't have the funds. Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover. I'm livid at the messages and the guilt tripping here. I think she thought you can have benefits until your kid is 16 and don't have to ever work it is just shocking the mentality of some people.

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.
@longwayoff - having a child or children with someone does not automatically exclude you from having to work outside the home!!! Even in 'intact' families many mothers have to work to support their children as believe it or not, not all men can keep a family going financially ON THEIR OWN!
If this woman needs to claim benefits outside of maintenance then she either claims those benefits or gets a job
It's not 1950 we're living in!

@longwayoff

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.

What? She has to claim benefits because she still needs money for herself and the other half of raising her own children. She can't just live off her ex!

I don't live off my own husband! This is so weird.

I’d be more worried about the environment my child is growing up in over everything else to be honest and pushing for 70:30 arrangement. He deserves a stable home.

@longwayoff

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.

Well, yes. His payments aren’t for her are they? They’re for his son. She obviously needs money for herself; food, home, bills, clothes, treats, etc. Where do you think that money comes from if she’s not in work?

Need more money? - Get a job, a better paying job, another job and/or retrain.

MH issues that stop you from going to the job centre to prevent you from getting sanctioned = no/less money - Go to your GP, Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) and get some help.

Many Mothers (single and in relationships) work in order to financially support themselves and their families. It’s a choice. Unless there are MH issues involved, work or suffer.

I have never understood how some two-parent families complain about the lack of money and their kids going without when both parents are fit and able to work, but one parent choses not to work.

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.

Lol, you’re a bit naive. Maintenance doesn’t stop RPs from claiming whatever benefits they’re entitled to let’s be real.
The RP could be getting thousands a month in maintenance and they will still be entitled to claim benefits as their benefits are based on their own income only.

And even if the OP’s DH doesn’t pay what you think is a good amount, he’s going above and beyond based on the income that he’s got! It’s all relative based on that figure.

@Direstraitsmates

She is the mother of his child. They are his responsibility morally though not legally. He can get away with not helping them. It depends on what type of person he is.

Have we transported back to living in the 1950's??? He is only responsible (morally, legally or otherwise) for the DC, not the DM.

@Direstraitsmates

She is the mother of his child. They are his responsibility morally though not legally. He can get away with not helping them. It depends on what type of person he is.

Nah he has no moral obligation to pay for mums lifestyle.

He has a obligation to the child which is why it's called child maintenance.

She also has a duty of care to provide for that child and that means getting a job or if it's MH issues preventing that getting help and support for that not relying on others to bail them out .

Mum need financially responsible adult and making best choices based on what's best for the child.

Anyone with this logic has a warped perspective of what is due to them and what child maintenance is for and general entitled mindset so I guess your right is is about morals but that swings both ways.

Right now dads pulling his weight more than mum and demanding more.

"Anyone with this logic has a warped perspective of what is due to them and what child maintenance is for and general entitled mindset so I guess your right is is about morals but that swings both ways."

I am thinking of how I feel about my DC and my partner and what I would owe them if I split up from my partner. I would consider my family my financial responsibility as I do now. I wouldn't think it OK to say I couldn't afford to provide for them any more as I had started a new family. Nothing to do with sexism. I am female. Nothing to do with entitlement or warped perspective. I just don't believe in having children and then saying 'well, I've already given them £Xoo this month so they are on their own'. If my DP was unable to cope with my DC I would help them anyway I could. Just basic decency.

@Direstraitsmates I think you'd be singing from a very different hymn sheet if you did split from your dp & they actively chose to not contribute financially to your joint dc!
You can't make pronouncements on this until you've lived it.

Direstraitsmates What would you do if your child’s father was fined for speeding or didn’t pay his council tax so it started to come out of his wages?
Would you see it as “your responsibility as a parent” to help him out, or would you expect him to cut his cloth accordingly and be an adult? Because the same really does apply no matter which parent is in trouble.

She won't want to hand the child over because she will lose a big portion of her benefits.

Might sound harsh but she sounds like a lazy bint who's responsible your DH as a meal ticket.

I raised a child alone with no maintenance from ex as csa could never track him down. I wouldn't have dreamt of taking money off people!

@longwayoff

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.

Child maintenance is exactly what it says on the tin. For the maintenance of the child.

Child maintenance isn't classed as income on benefit calculations because it is not your income.

Child maintenance isn't classed as income on benefit calculations because it is not your income.

That's not why it's not included

@Pebbledashery

She makes my blood boil. I'm a single parent to a 3 year old who receives no financial help from my daughters joke of a father.. I work 40 hours a week in a very difficult nhs job and my daughter has everything and I have everything and would never ask a penny off anyone. She obviously has no concept of managing her finances.. She can go swivel and take her lazy ass to the job centre!

I am a little similar to this position but really what makes my blood boil is men who move on and start new families and feel that a little over the standard amount is going over and beyond. Especially when this supported from mothers who are majorly of single Parents. A RP cannot just give an amount and say that's it - once you have children there are household Costs that come up all the time that you cannot forsee. I think the NRP has it good - once the standard amount is paid / he can rest his mind. A RP can't just deduct a certain amount from her salary and say that's all for this month!

I would be telling her luckily you can have dss lots more so she can find a full time job and won’t be ‘destitute.’

It’s not acceptable, his father is already paying. I think the only way to nip this is to go for 50/50 or thereabouts.

@CiaoForNiao

Child maintenance isn't classed as income on benefit calculations because it is not your income.

That's not why it's not included

Erm I'm not sure what the need is for that face. I think we are in agreement on this one!!!!! Totally uncalled for.

Unless I've misunderstood your comment then. You said its not included for benefits because its not your income.
You are correct that it isn't included for benefits, but not because it isn't income. Of course its income. They didn't include it because it was so flipping unreliable.

@CiaoForNiao

Unless I've misunderstood your comment then. You said its not included for benefits because its not your income. You are correct that it isn't included for benefits, but not because it isn't income. Of course its income. They didn't include it because it was so flipping unreliable.

True. I think I got 2 lots of maintenance from my ex before he went awol. She is almost 17 now. Apparently he owes me £15k but I'll never see it.

My point though was that the money is for the children not income as in for household expenses etc.

But it is for household expenses. Its for anything child related. If the cms ever manage to get money from my ex it will go into my account and then towards the bills which the children benefit from.

Good luck getting that money. I doubt I'll ever get a penny!

It's hysterical that a couple of posters on this thread actually seem to think the children's mother's request is reasonable. For some posters, no matter what the ex wife has done, they are the hero of the story and must be protected at all costs. They could have committed an armed robbery and some posters would still be along to say it was probably due to the stepmum causing her stress and because the dad hasn't given her enough support, and the stepmum should take the prison sentence for her.

@Gigi2341 *Just got a message that apparently he doesn't care and we are selfish awful people! This woman is just insane.”

grey rock, ignore her, block on text and keep to email only. Only reply if it’s interesting or relevant

Otherwise? Complete. Radio. Silence.

It works with us.

but really what makes my blood boil is men who move on and start new families and feel that a little over the standard amount is going over and beyond.

Dig a little deeper though, and you'll find it isn't that the man has suddenly doubled his salary in a couple of years. It's often because his new partner already had a mortgage/rents a house and works fulltime - and her price for putting a roof over his head was a baby of her own. She may even be paying that 'little bit over the standard amount'! Without her, he might still be living back at his parents.

[quote MzHz]**@Gigi2341* Just got a message that apparently he doesn't care and we are selfish awful people! This woman is just insane.”

grey rock, ignore her, block on text and keep to email only. Only reply if it’s interesting or relevant

Otherwise? Complete. Radio. Silence.

It works with us.[/quote]
Completely agree with this! Works for us too. The financial ineptitude of an ex is v.frustrating, but it is not your role to bail them out, only to ensure the wellbeing of the child.

As others have suggested, it may be worth getting some advice on the custody issue. You may not need to go to court - when my DH had to take his ex to court our solicitor advised that we could keep his DDs if we had genuine concerns about their well-being.