Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

[Gigi2341]

I really need to rant, DH has one child from his ex who is 8 years old. Dh pays maintenance as he should,above what is expected and didn't reduce payments when we had our two children. Me and DH both work and shelve out a fortune in child care. We luckily have the help of family or honestly not sure how I'd cope. Anyway we do not have lot of disposable income but we are comfortable enough and have a nice content family life. However, the ex is in constant financial difficulty and expects DH to foot the bill. Last year she didn't renew her benefit and fell into debt she wanted DH to bail her out and pay more as she was " destitute" DH gave what he could for the sake of his child. And now just got a message saying that she's been sanctioned by universal credit because she hasn't been going to her work coach or making any appointments as it's all "too much". I have absolutely no sympathy and neither does DH its ridiculous. She is asking for DH to give her a lump sum this month something in thr excess of £1000 to make the difference or she says she won't make the month. I have suggested we just have DSS for 50:50 or even more 70:30. As we don't have the funds. Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover. I'm livid at the messages and the guilt tripping here. I think she thought you can have benefits until your kid is 16 and don't have to ever work it is just shocking the mentality of some people.

According to this it won’t be anywhere near a grand as they only take it off the adult payment, not the child payment or the housing costs. www.turn2us.org.uk/Benefit-guides/Universal-Credit-Sanctions/How-much-will-a-Universal-Credit-sanction-be

I'd send her a message to say " if you are in financial difficulties then the number for citizens advice is......."

If your DH ever got sanctioned then would she accept him giving her less money? No I doubt it.

As I mentioned on another thread earlier this week, people get punished whether they are parents or not. It’s up to the parent who has been punished to minimise the affects on their child unless they are together obviously. It’s the same as her getting a parking fine or a fine from TV licensing, or a deduction of earnings order/dip in benefits because she’s not paid her council tax.
She can’t keep breaking rules and then coming crying to your DH for money.

She can cut her cloth to make up for her own shortfalls.

It's the entitlement that gets me , like DH should bail her out. Well I'm sorry no ! We have suggested the 50:50 and to be Frank I've said we cannot then continue to pay what we are as we'd need that money to help with costs for another child in the household. I've said my peace to DH we are not a free bank ! And he's equally as fed up now. Just got a message that apparently he doesn't care and we are selfish awful people! This woman is just insane.

Yes that's all you can do really. They've split up so she doesn't get the benefit of him bailing her out when she's in a mess. Can he take them more than 50/50 if he gets worried about their wellbeing?

And yes if you go 50/50 work out the maintenance again

Sorry, but why on earth was my comment deleted? All I said was to go for 50/50 and reduce maintenance. Am I missing something? I relaise no one can answer this.

Where did she get £1000 from-sounds a made up figure that she wants, rather than any punitive measure from UC. I’d say we do care and will look after Jimmy. We don’t owe to keep you because you won’t work and won’t make any effort to do so either.

I mean personally I'd ask for a copy of her recent UC payment statement to make any decision on money going forward also. The deductions will be listed on the bottom along with her overal payment.

Might stop her asking for a grand now and again. Your DH isn't a bank.

@Aquamarine1029

Sorry, but why on earth was my comment deleted? All I said was to go for 50/50 and reduce maintenance. Am I missing something? I relaise no one can answer this.

Do MNHQ tell you in a message why? Were those your exact words? I mean I agree, 50/50 (or more) and reduce maintenance

No, just no. She needs to take some responsibility for herself. She sounds like a right lazy cow. Total kick in the teeth to you, husband and people like me working hard

Can you argue 50/50 through solicitors? You shouldn’t have to contribute toward maintenance if you share care equally.

I’d offer to take DC until she sorts herself out. Are they divorced? As long as they’re financially separated, he has no obligation to pay her debts.

Also can I ask why he overpays maintenance? I think he’s making a rod for his own back doing this as it indicates that he will go above the suggested contribution and there’s nothing to stop the ex seeing how far that can be pushed.

Another voice saying absolutely no more money. It’s ridiculous. Presumably she never repays any (non-maintenance) money from DH?

Providing care for DS at your home would surely help until she has sorted herself out.

Madness this is madness

I imagine your DH or others have bailed her out before so in her eyes it's expected rather than a gesture of good will to be grateful for. The entitlement is mad

So not bail this women out no matter what she says. Get contact order to nail it down.
I wouldn't worry about her going NC tbh she doesn't sounds like a mum that would want her kids full time no break.

🤯🤯🤯 people are crackers

It’s a straight no but he shouldn’t it bailed her out before either due to her own laziness.

I was in a similar situation to the ex (because of illness and the disparity between my wages and SSP) and I really was in the situation where I wasn't going to be able to feed DD at the end of the month or there'd be no gas or electric etc.
It fucking sucked and it broke my heart to do it but I asked my ex (well it ended up being my mum!) to take DD until I got back on my feet because it wasn't fair on her, I transferred all CTC and CB to him, moved back in with my mum and got myself sorted in just under 3 months.
She should be doing what's right for the child here, and if you're not able or willing to help out (which I don't think you should btw) then she needs to accept that right now, she can't support her child and someone else can, even short term, which would ease the burden on her until she can get sorted.
I was grateful to ex's mum because she helped me in the best way to help my DD.

• grateful to his mum - not mine!

You are not supposed to mix finances and child contact matters with your ex.

Should he find himself going to court on this any judge would not look kindly on doing so.

So child maintenance is child maintenance, it should not and never be dependent on how much contact the child has.

Therefore it is not appropriate to mix the two things.

Is your DP paying an appropriate amount in chld maintenance and has this been checked?

Having your benefits sanctioned is a difficult situation to be in and there may well be a need for a temporary and one off payment.

Don't blur the boundaries between contact and finances.

Also I would check that your DP is actually paying what he said he is paying. If he is 'overpaying' check the amount. Check the statements. Better to be safe than sorry.

That's rubbish, the amount of maintenance has always been reduced if the none resistant parent has the child more nights. Why should they pay at all if contact goes to 50/50

Tell her no way. She's a cf!

All he needs do is reply " That loss is your responsibility , not mine. ".

She is the mother of his child. They are his responsibility morally though not legally. He can get away with not helping them. It depends on what type of person he is.

He pays 'above and beyond' yet she still has to claim benefits? Generous, like your attitude.

Hang on so she doesn't work at all and has only benefits? Why doesn't she work?

Have you checked CMS calculator that you're paying what you should?

Would DC want to stay with you 50/50 if offered?

@longwayoff or she could get a job instead of relying on other people to bail her arse out every month! 🙄