Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

[Gigi2341]

I really need to rant, DH has one child from his ex who is 8 years old. Dh pays maintenance as he should,above what is expected and didn't reduce payments when we had our two children. Me and DH both work and shelve out a fortune in child care. We luckily have the help of family or honestly not sure how I'd cope. Anyway we do not have lot of disposable income but we are comfortable enough and have a nice content family life. However, the ex is in constant financial difficulty and expects DH to foot the bill. Last year she didn't renew her benefit and fell into debt she wanted DH to bail her out and pay more as she was " destitute" DH gave what he could for the sake of his child. And now just got a message saying that she's been sanctioned by universal credit because she hasn't been going to her work coach or making any appointments as it's all "too much". I have absolutely no sympathy and neither does DH its ridiculous. She is asking for DH to give her a lump sum this month something in thr excess of £1000 to make the difference or she says she won't make the month. I have suggested we just have DSS for 50:50 or even more 70:30. As we don't have the funds. Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover. I'm livid at the messages and the guilt tripping here. I think she thought you can have benefits until your kid is 16 and don't have to ever work it is just shocking the mentality of some people.

Meant to say we get all manner of emotional black mail bullshit, “you don’t care for your dc”, “ is still your dc”, “what has dc done for you to ignore us like this”

The last time she was demanding money, she cc’d Their dc.

He contacts dc direct and so can and does literally ignore everything else

@CiaoForNiao good luck to you too. It's so shit that they can just disappear off the face of the planet and never support or care about their own children. Yet we are the ones sat here picking up the pieces and answering the question of "where is my real dad and why didn't he want me".

Men can be shits. (Women can be too but my experience is men lol)

[quote cricketmum84]@CiaoForNiao good luck to you too. It's so shit that they can just disappear off the face of the planet and never support or care about their own children. Yet we are the ones sat here picking up the pieces and answering the question of "where is my real dad and why didn't he want me".

Men can be shits. (Women can be too but my experience is men lol) [/quote]
Well yes that does happen but what is the relevance of that situation the OP's situation?

@acolderwar it was a separate conversation based on the reaction to a comment I made. Apologies if that's not actually allowed

I'd offer a 2 week 'holiday' at yours for his son,, so she can catch up on her job centre commitments, and spend time job hunting without having to look after her DS.

@Direstraitsmates

She is the mother of his child. They are his responsibility morally though not legally. He can get away with not helping them. It depends on what type of person he is.

So he should clear up all the ex fuck ups because she’s lazy and can’t be assed to get things done.

@Direstraitsmates
There are unforeseen costs of course, and OP/DH are financially responsible for the children whilst they are with them, as well as with DM (hence the maintenance), so likely DH is paying for more than 50% of the DCs daily living costs.

The point about unexpected costs is valid. But again, if this was a post from DH saying, I’ve got to pay a parking fine so I’m not paying my ex maintenance this month we’d all go (quite rightly) mad. This isn’t an “unforeseen” expense. The child’s mother has chosen not to attend an appointment which is vital to her income, you wouldn’t not turn up to work and expect to still be paid. She’s actively CHOSEN not to attend and then has expected to be bailed out elsewhere.

@PreparationPreparationPrep
Unexpected costs are things like, new school shoes, broken glasses etc. You discuss with the child’s other parent and come to an agreement over it.
Maintenance is to cover things like accommodation, but it doesn’t extend to absolutely every possible circumstance like “I need a new doormat but you’ve got to pay half because DC uses it”

What if he has an unexpected household expense? Would you think it’s ok for him to ask you for money? Or not pay his maintenance that month?

Just reading the thread and no my DH is not responsible for the ex "unexpected costs" they are not in one household and are two separate adults. In fact never married and together a total of a year. I don't think that means you must bail out another adult who can't seems to manage money, for the rest of your life. The £1000 figure includes the normal maintenance amount she gets every month. My DH pays maintenance above what the calculator says , buys clothes / shoes gets the bikes and pays for actvities. He also pays alot of tax which in a round about way supports the welfare state and so his ex. However, DH also has a house two other children to support which is also important. I work to give our family what we need and show my kids that hard work and goals in life are a good thing and that nothing in this world is for free. The ex could work but chooses not to. Her life choices are her problem.

@Direstraitsmates

She is the mother of his child. They are his responsibility morally though not legally. He can get away with not helping them. It depends on what type of person he is.

No!

The child is his responsibility. The Ex is not. As an adult, Ex should be responsible for herself.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay
In this position I'd move for 50:50 or 70:30 as she can't financially cope with DSS obviously. Genuinely would ask a family solicitor to start these proceedings stating her financial irresponsibility and wanting to safeguard DSS from poverty and low income household due to the reposnible adult not being able to attend the job centre
This. If my children were suffering as ex was unable to manage their life enough to ensure food and shelter, i would be fighting to have them all the time.

What if he has an unexpected household expense? Would you think it’s ok for him to ask you for money? Or not pay his maintenance that month?

My point is that he is the NRP How can he ask me for money if his child does not live with me - what is the money for? Sorry but that's not a great example. However, being RP means that because of childcare for example, there might be certain jobs she is restricted from - say if she wanted to do nursing or manage or own a small business or restaurant - many of those are long hours and shifts and don't lend well to standard childcare. However if he wanted to do any of the above he is more likely to be in a position to because he is NRP regardless of whether he has a new partner or more children. so the core of that responsibility falls on her as the RP. What, when and where you work has an impact on earning capacity. I think the OP should encourage DH to go for 50:50 -if he is serious he will get it as far as his child wants it. Then he can reduce the amount he gives her and also take on his share of the day to day stress and life restrictions of parenting his child. And she can have some time to study, retrain or have the time for better paying jobs. Maybe he feels he is better off paying the over and beyond! Im sure all is as Op states and she is the sad ex squeezing every penny out of her poor DH and his family.

In fact never married and together a total of a year. I don't think that means you must bail out another adult who can't seems to manage money, for the rest of your life

Op. I can't see what this has to do with it - even if he had only known her for 1 month - he ultimately chose to have a child with this woman and whether they were married or not is besides the point. Do you feel that his new family are more of a family / recognised than his family with ex. I hope you never become the ex.

@PreparationPreparationPrep
Sorry, when I said “you” I meant the ex.

I don’t think you can suggest Op’s DH is responsible for all of his ex’s life choices. Seemingly she doesn’t want to do any sort of job or even look for one, so suggesting that looking after his child is preventing a career change isn’t really relevant. OP has already stated they’ve offered to look after the child more and DM has rejected this suggestion. There’s plenty of single parents who retrain, as OP has said, her DH and the ex weren’t in a relationship for long, so suggesting he’s prevented this when she’s potentially had the opportunity prior to and during their relationship, and now saying 8 years down the line that is his fault she can’t get a job is a bit like the blame game. Equally, the DH may well have or had the opportunity to retrain to earn more, which would result in more maintenance, but perhaps he can’t as he also has childcare responsibilities? But that’s not the ex’s fault either.

• maybe he should try a bit harder for z50:50 - it shouldn't Be too hard if she is as awful a parent as OP makes out and if the child is 8. Saying ex has refused is a bit weak as we all know that in most cases these days the starting point isn50/50 where

Possible.

The child is 8?

So why doesn't the ex have a job?

it's not up to the ex to decide she won't do 50:50z. and DH could pursue it if he really wants to. Maybe it's more
Convenient to pay over and above.

Most parents would agree that 50/50 was completely reasonable. Why should one parent get more contact/lumped with all the day to day stuff?

But we all know that there are plenty of resident parents who won’t allow it because it would mean a cut to finances. Not because they think the child shouldn’t see their other parent. Although I’m not sure how this can be refused? Surely both parents have equal parental responsibility? Does one outrank the other?

50/50 appears mostly to be for the benefit of the parents as far as I’ve seen

Kids I’ve known who have done this have felt they had no home, we’re always in the wrong place

DH asked for 50:50 to take on half the care and surprise surprise the ex can survive financially now and doesn't want to do 50:50. She has borrowed money from her parents apparently. We are seriously thinking of taking her to court. All she says is how unfair it is having to go to job coach appointments and can't always make them... nothing regarding working. She also asked how we have managed to afford my new car yet cannot give her and DSS money when needed to "have a good life". DH replied that's very easy its called a Company car... try working and you may experience it

He also pays alot of tax which in a round about way supports the welfare state and so his ex.

That is actually one of the most ridiculous things I have read on this site. Get a grip.

I hope you're not scrounging off the rest of us by driving on public roads, using state schools and NHS medical care.

We are seriously thinking of taking her to court.

Right.

@user16395699 no I'm not scrounging as you say I pay my fair share of taxes and have done since I was 18 years old I have been working since I was 16 ( earned too little to pay taxes then ) my parents paid taxes and so did their parents . I stay healthy so don't overt burden NHS, not sure what this brings to the thread thankyou ,next

Does she have to physically attend job coach appointments? Mine have all been over the phone for the last 18 months. Actually they were suspended for most of that!

@Gigi2341
Why does it matter what you drive? Why should your family live any differently to how you choose/are able to, because the ex wants a hand out?

Infuriates me that as soon as a new partner is on the scene, if they’ve got a decent income/car/their own assets. then rather than the ex thinking, that’s nice that my children may benefit from that, it’s oh their household income had increased, I’ll try my luck.

I would at the very least have your solicitor draw up something to specify how much maintenance is paid, what it covers and that this will not be subject to change unless DH’s circumstances or your contact arrangement changes.

Bloody cheek of her response it infuriates me!!

I’d never ask my Dds father to cough up if I wasn’t working he’s not responsible for funding my lifestyle. If she honestly can’t clothe or feed her child due to her finances (which seem to be her doing!) then then his child should come to live with him. I wouldn’t offer anymore money next time even if you could afford it. Time, yes.

I’ve heard so many stories last year about mums who receive CSA off the other parent and still demanding money over covid when parent was not working, but then still had the cheek to reject offerings of extra time and care to make up for it. Makes my blood boil!